Miss Tricky Takes Over

Well folks, he brought me a present this time. If we can give him no other credit, at least the man can learn! It’s functional, just cheesy enough to suit my nerdiness and I don’t even feel that it’s cheapened by me bullying him into it. Well-played Mr. President, well played.

My friend Tom asked last week or so if I could post a bit of an informational “how to” blog about buying presents for your squeeze when you are on a trip. Of course! Number one, I love it when anyone asks me about anything (seriously, you send questions to trickytakesover@gmail.com and I will answer them!)  and two, it’s an excellent topic of conversation. It’s also a tricky one…

Part of me wants to answer simply that you should know your partner well enough to just see something and know that you must bring it back to them. Then there is the part of me that has also spent a vacation stressing myself out over the perfect “I was thinking of you” gift only to completely choke and come back with nothing; maybe, like everything concerning love, it’s a balance between planning and fate.

First up, I believe there are two categories to address here; live-in squeeze and squeeze with their own place. If your dearest does not live with you then it is always appropriate to gift them with little home trinkets. Nothing too big or overpowering, but something useless- it should only exist to be pretty and bring a little touch of you into their home. Small folk art prints are an excellent idea. It should be interesting and different; if possible something specific to the area you got it from. The beauty part of folk prints, antique glass and little tins or boxes is that they are universal; you don’t have to match anyone’s décor. Use your head and pick something you think they will appreciate. Even if they totally hate it you are still a big winner; it’s not jewelry or clothing (i.e. something they will think you expect them to wear in public), it can be tucked away on a shelf or in a keepsake box. It is critical to remember that bringing anything back at all is wonderful- the point of a vacation gift is not to supply them with something they have always wanted and will ask to be buried with, it is to show them that you thought about them while you were away. Really can’t find anything at all? Mail them a post card from where you are. Do not bring a blank post card back with you! Mail it. To them. From the location you got it in. Seriously.

When your honey shares a home with you things can get a bit more complicated. There are new rules to remember and new pitfalls to watch out for. Personally, I recommend staying away from art or home décor in this situation; there is a fine line between “I brought this back for you” and “I brought this back for the house”. Bringing something back for your home is lovely and you will both get to enjoy it, but it isn’t exactly an “I love you” gift. It is also totally fair to assume that if you live together you should have a clearer idea of what your sweetheart would really love. Inexpensive, very simple jewelry is normally a winner. Stay away from rings (it sucks to get a gift you can’t wear because you have giant, man fingers.), but basic bracelets and earrings are good. Do not bring her gold if she always wears silver and do not bring her earrings if her ears are not pierced. A nice bottle of wine or spirits from the region would be lovely if she drinks, if she doesn’t try chocolate. Bath salts and the like are okay but if you keep bringing them back and they keep collecting dust in your bathroom try something else for awhile. Relax! You live with this woman; you probably know her better than you think you do. A post card or a letter is also appropriate in this case. Do not just write, “wish you were here”, share an anecdote from your trip that you know she would laugh about. Again, postmarks count people! Mail it! Depending on who your sweetheart is, it could all be really simple and cheap. I love hotel lotions. If you travel a lot maybe come up with something special between you. If you are surrounded by beautiful scenery take a picture for her and bring it back framed.  My friend David says he always asks for a rock- simple, free and will have a good story attached to it. Perfect! Take a silly knick-knack of hers with you every time you go away and take a picture of it somewhere pretty on your journey. It really and truly isn’t about the stuff; it’s about the thought. No, strike that. It’s not about the thinking; it’s about the feeling.

Dear Gentleman from the bar on Tuesday night,

Somewhere along the line you have misinterpreted the rules of attraction. I suspect that this has occurred due to your unwillingness to admit your mistakes and then learn from them. I overheard you rhapsodizing about all the girls who weren’t good enough in an effort to attract her attention. I also watched you start to slump as you realized, once again, that it wasn’t the attention you were looking for. By the time you left you were flattened and defeated and, I assume, confused as to why this happens to you every time you meet a woman. Do you know what rationalizing looks like? I do. It looks like you, at the bar, finishing your martini, and running through the mental checklist of all the ways you are everything right and she must have been everything wrong. You asked me why you hadn’t found “it” yet; allow me to explain…

My gut tells me that we have a few basic rules to cover before we get to the actual meeting women part of this lecture. One: if you have to tell people how self-aware you are, you are not at all self-aware. Two: Knowledge of food, wine and spirits is an excellent thing to posses. It will enhance your enjoyment and allow you to explore new tastes without hesitation. It will not, however, make anyone like you; especially if you carry it around in front of you like a weapon.  And three: I know you are receiving the body language clues people are sending you because I watched you lose confidence (which you tried to supplement with alcohol-never a good idea) as they registered. While being aware of them is a good sign, taking them as an invite to quiz everyone around you about why they are pulling away is not helping your case. Try talking less and watching more.

Now, the most important rule to remember when you are trying to engage the interest of a woman for the first time is that how you feel is not important. If you have initiated a conversation then we can all already assume that you are interested. Try and remember that you are trying to pick someone up and not comparison-shopping for detergent at Wal-Mart, do not quiz her. Do not attempt to compliment her by mentioning how stupid other women are. Do not forcefully steer the conversation into areas that you have pre-planned material for. If you can remember only one thing, let it be this: attracting and holding a woman’s attention at a bar has almost nothing to do with how she feels about you, but everything to do with how you make her feel about herself. All of those qualities you are working so hard to showcase (intelligence, charm and culture) will be obvious to her when you give her the spotlight. Many people will tell you that the trick is to not talk about yourself. While it is true that listening to a man ramble on and on about himself is boring and off-putting, the rules for this are not so black and white. Not talking about yourself but pushing for information from her is just as repellent. Try living in the moment a little. During a first meeting it is best to discuss only what is happening around you at that time. If she inquires about your beverage choice, do have an interesting answer for her about why you like that particular cocktail- do not use it as an opportunity to name-drop all the high end bars you’ve been to. If she asks you a question about something on the menu, do answer honestly. If you are knowledgeable on the subject it will show in the opinion you give, she is not looking for a lengthy lesson about the history of food. Feel free to share an anecdotal story or two about the best drink/appetizer/dessert you’ve ever had but do not immediately name the establishment it came from; if she is curious she will ask you about it. Remember, if you are working too hard for this conversation then not only is she not enjoying it, but you aren’t either. Be honest with yourself about how it is going and never be unwilling to let an unnatural and awkward conversation go. About that….

Part of me appreciates your instinct to play the sympathy card when you realize that she isn’t interested, but only a very small part. You should know that there are two very different forms of sympathy. There is the good kind, i.e. “Oh how sad! How terrible that that happened to you!” and then there is “you poor fool, I pity you for being the way you are”. I’ll give you some examples: Your beloved pet died/is sick? That is a universally sad thing that all people can relate to and it doesn’t reflect poorly on you. You haven’t had a girlfriend in four years and everyone you meet is too stupid or shallow to date? Well…now you have given her an excellent reason to stop talking to you. I imagine you think it’s obvious that you don’t mean her when you describe the women you’ve met that way. It’s not. Is she not a woman you just met? You have, whether you meant to or not, just told her that she isn’t good enough for you. She will not be overcome with a desire to prove to you that not all women are like that and please, please, please don’t give up on love! She will (correctly) assume that your own insecurities have made you overly critical and will suspect that you are suffering from a severe case of sour grapes. (Also, letting out an exaggerated sigh of relief when your bartender knew what the word “antithesis” meant is not helping your “I’m not a jerk” case.) 

In conclusion, if you are even half as intelligent as you repeatedly claimed to be, you must have picked up on the pattern by now. This happens often, right? All the time even? Isn’t it time to consider that maybe the problem isn’t all the girls in Philadelphia, but perhaps it might be you? The approach you are using is not working, you said so much yourself, so try out a new one. Or at the very least, if you insist on badgering every woman who rejects you with questions about what is wrong with you, start listening to her answers. At least then everyone’s cocktail hour will not have been ruined for nothing.

Sincerely,

Miss Tricky

I have no idea how to share a home with another adult at night.

I have always worked nights, and when I didn’t work nights the person I was shacked up with did. We are talking about 11 years of not having anyone around to care what I watch on TV or that I occasionally eat chicken right out of the can, standing up in my kitchen for dinner. Obviously there have been some nights I had company but that is what is always was…company. There was dinner to be made and drinks to be drunk and Trivial Pursuit and other stuff; now Mr. President is just going to be there. It is just going to be boring old bedtime and hang out every night with no fanfare. It’s a good thing, no fanfare. I am a big fan of quiet nights- or at least I have always been a big fan of my quiet nights and I am discovering that integrating someone else into them is not a natural process for me.

At first I thought it could just be habit; the past 18 months or so I have spent totally alone 90% of the time. Then I started going over it in my head and I realized that I have been trying to get people to go away since I was a kid. When I was little I would build pillow nests in my tiny little closet that I could hide in and read. In school I always had my headphones on so no one would try and talk to me on the bus. At my first job I wanted to close every night I worked because it meant at least an hour and a half of total solitude at the end of the night. Then I started realizing that it’s not just at night! I like to get up at the butt crack of dawn because I enjoy a two or three or more hour buffer zone between waking up and interaction.

I think I’m a hermit!

Well, a hermit who loves people and wants to be social between the hours of 10am and about 8:30pm (it used to be more like 11:30pm but I am seriously old now). Have I engineered all my past relationships around my desire to be alone? What the fuck am I doing being in relationships when I just want the house to myself? How I have gotten away with this for so long?

Poor Mr. President, I am either going to drive us both crazy treating every night we’re at home together like a god damned special occasion or start nesting in closets again. Maybe I should cut him a little slack on that whole millipede thing…

**I’d also like to give some big, old, hairy ups to myself and the other eight cars who miraculously and skillfully avoided a massive pile up when that deer wandered across I 79 this morning. I officially take back at least 20% of all the nasty things I have ever said about Pittsburgh drivers.