Miss Tricky Takes Over

Soooooo, I am writing this post on my iPhone while door-whoring late on a Monday night. I believe this is what the pros call “mobile blogging”. I would say that this new feature means there is about a 2% chance I will be pouring my scrambled brains out here with slightly more regularity. What good news for you!

The problem now is that I can’t share my really big! Exciting! THRILLING!! news with you kids because it turns out that the interwebs are not particularly private. Who knew? At any rate, until I get the official go ahead from El Presidente, I have to keep my blogger-lips shut tight. (that sounded dirty) Do you know how hard it is to write about anything else when there is just one thing that you want to write about but can’t? So hard! Algebra hard. Soufflé baking hard! Only doing one shot of jäger in a night hard!!! (It’s totally the hardest.)

Le sigh.

Things, things, and things to do…I have a multitude of things to do. Operation “sleep all day Saturday” was an unprecedented success but has left me feeling a little shorted on weekend time. I keep hoping that one of these days I will be filled with desire to start checking items off my to-do list but so far I am not feeling much of a desire to do anything. I haven’t even sat down and written a to-do list, which is crazy when you consider how much I love to make lists.

 In happier news, The Spawn is finally starting to give a crap about this whole getting married business. At first he was dismayed that my ring isn’t blue (since he knows that blue is my “frayborit” color) and told us that we needed medicine when we shared our wedding plans with him. Since then he has come to decide that “little mirrors” is my new favorite color and he occasionally kisses my ring (it’s like I’m the Godfather!!) and tells me how much he loves the pretty ring that Mr. President gave me. As far as his actual comprehension goes, he tells us that the ring means “mommy and [Mr. President] forever!” which sounds pretty darn good to me.

 As for The Prez, he is thrilled to not have to call me his girlfriend anymore and is greeting me every morning with;” Good morning my fiancée…. my little bride-like thing!”

 And me? Well, I am down to only about an hour of staring at my left hand a day and just once or twice a week bursting into Muppet songs about getting married. I’d say that’s progress.

 Now someone please come move in with me and force me to do all the other stuff I have to do, okay?

So….. It turns out that I am not a “bride”. (I can tell how shocked you all are from here.) For about 3 or 4 days I decided to plan a wedding and pick colors and look at invites and all that stuff. People could come, pictures would be taken and food would be eaten. It all seemed like a lovely idea except for the crazy panic it was causing me. Thank goodness I have since come to my senses! I was having what can only be described as an allergic reaction to bridal-type activities. My stomach was churning; my head swimming and I couldn’t get any sleep worth having.

 And now, a mere 24 hours since Mr. President and I realized that what we really want to do is just be married to each other, I am 100 times less likely to throw up at random. We will be married, quietly and without fuss and are thinking of planning a bit of a tour of friend visits. In theory I understand the appeal of having a roomful of people around to share in our moment but I just can’t imagine anything better than a simple ceremony with my squeeze and my Spawn and a little romantic weekend in NYC to celebrate.

 I guess some of us girls just don’t have it in us.

I am a wedding planning goddess! Well, I am not sure it is going to be a “wedding” really, more of an intimate dinner with family and family-like friends where we happen to get married at the beginning. I’ve got invitations, locations, photographer, food and cake all set and I’ve only been at it for two days. (I think having a tiny little budget is freeing- so many fewer decisions to make!) Now we need an officiant, clothes and decorations and I’m done, right? Oh wait….. rings. Okay, still, I will get this little event planned and paid for with little to no stress and agony.

Now if I can only get over the crippling anxiety I feel whenever I think about people coming to stare at me while I take my vows…..

Soooooo…there are big plans afoot here at Miss tricky HQ but I can’t really talk about them yet so I guess I just became one of those ho-bags that says “oooh ooh! Big news… but I can’t tell you” and then smirks a lot to herself for a while. Sorry. If it helps, it is totally making me crazy too. Sorry again.

 In other news, my list of resolutions is small this year- and they are all of a vain and superficial nature. How fitting….

 Number One: Grooming. I have spent my 28 ½ years on this planet (okay maybe not the first 10 or so) longing to be one of those women who is not a total mess all of the time. Up until now I have been thwarted by my desire for more sleep, more fun times and an obsessive need to be working every moment that I am awake. No more! This is the year that I start shaving my legs more than once a quarter! I also vow to get regular pedicures and manicures. At 28 it is safe to assume that I am not getting any better looking so I might as well start cleaning up what I’ve got. I’d like to pretend that I will also do things like exfoliate and moisturize but let’s not get too crazy. It’s all about the baby steps, people.

 Number Two: Pilates. I have decided to approach this one from a non- weight loss angle this year. Sure there’s about 15 pounds I’d like to say goodbye to, but feeling strong energetic and capable is what I am really aiming for. I suppose the weight will slip off in the process? Also, it has recently occurred to me that I am not 22 anymore and if I have any hope of aging gracefully and beautifully I should start by being 28 gracefully and beautifully. Or something.

 Number Three: Finally get around to making that doctor’s appointment and get this evil mirena yanked from my womb. Over share? My apologies.

Maybe I should quit smoking too.

Sweet baby jebus, The Spawn is back to school! That was a long 11 days. For real. I have never been so excited to put him on the school bus…. not that I don’t adore him. I am, however, looking forward to getting ready for work today without this….

 “Mawmy, are you drying your hair? That’s what you’re doing mommy? Drying your hair? For you can go to work? For you can go to your coptail work? Where you make coptails for the peoples? I like coptails. I visit you and you make me the coptails? What are you doing now mommy? You putting on your make-up? I will help you! Here mommy! Don’t you need these? (Reaches into make-up bag and hands me fistfuls of crap) Here mommy! I am helping you! Did you forget your earrings mommy? I will get them! (Scurries away and returns with earrings) Here mommy, your earrings! Mommy, don’t you want your earrings mommy? Mommy, I got you some earrings! Are you going to take the bus to work mommy? I like the bus but I am not going to school today, mommy. No school today! Here mommy, your earrings! Mommy aren’t you forgetting your lipstick? Don’t you want some lipstick mommy? Liiiiiiiip stiiiiick. I think you need some lipstick mommy…. Mommy are you done now? Are you ready mommy? Are you going now? Mommy? Mommy! Moooooooommmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

 For real, dudes. That happened. If you think your life is ridiculous try starting the day arguing with your four-year-old about why you do not need lipstick.

I am not sure why this has been so difficult for me to write. I keep thinking that this year’s newsletter will be rather anti-climatic after last year-maybe that’s why I have been putting it off. The constant and often painful change of 2008 made it very easy to point to exactly what happened that year; an ordered checklist was easy to compile. 2009 was much sneakier and quiet. But now that I am looking back on it, 2009 seems like proof that 2008 happened.

 This past year was about committing to the changes I had made. This past year was all about settling into the person I had become. 2008 forever changed me- old habits and ideas fell away and I got a chance to re-define how I wanted to live. 2009 proved to me that I have changed. When all the drama and conflict subsided I found myself calmer and more centered than I have ever been before. Here’s to growth and maturity continuing in 2010!

 The Spawn, on the other hand, spent 2009 changing and healing and growing at an incredible rate. If you came to my house today and met the chatty, imaginative little boy who lives here you would find it impossible to imagine that he was the same little boy who’s tantrums and struggles I have detailed in this blog. He has more than blossomed- he has exploded! The changes in his diet and his new therapy have made it very difficult to spot the remaining traces of his disorder. We fully expect him to enter “normal” kindergarten next year, and though that brings with it a new host of challenges we are confident in his ability to continue to thrive.

 And then there’s Mr. President… That crazy man moved The Spawn and I into his home, was patient during the job search, helped to find daycare and a nanny and even attends school meetings on a regular basis. He is more than my squeeze; he is my partner. I am starting to think of The Spawn as ours rather than mine. When you find yourself being a single mom (autism or not) it seems ridiculous to think that you will ever have a relationship again. It seems ludicrous to imagine that anyone will love your child as much as you do or that you would let them if they wanted to. Obviously Mr. President’s love for him is different than mine, but I am amazed to discover that it is perfectly complimentary. We have built a family- and it was easier than I thought it would be.

The thing is, I am lonely. I was going to blame it on being in a new place and having some good friends but not the type you have history with – but, in reality, I have always been lonely. I was lonely in Rockford. I was lonely in Milwaukee, I was lonely in Pittsburgh and now I am lonely in Philadelphia. I might be a “loner”. Remember in school when that was a dirty word? A loner was someone who didn’t make friends and preferred to read quietly and didn’t go to parties and we were all supposed to try and not be that person. A loner was different and dangerous and strange. Are they still?

 When I fantasize about free time and what I would do with it, most often I am alone. I knit and read and write. When I get really crazy in those fantasies I take dance classes and pilates and am in classrooms learning new things. Only once in a very great while to I daydream about being with people. I have this perfect image in my head of what it must be like to have those relationships. Standing breakfast dates and stitch ‘n’ bitches and cocktail hours….. But at 28 wouldn’t I have created that by now? Am I just a loner? It is not my natural instinct to call a friend when I am blue or frustrated with something; I do not naturally reach out. But if I am just built to be solitary then why this lifelong feeling of loneliness?

 Sometimes I imagine that it can all be blamed on distance and that if I could magically place about six of my friends (some of whom have never met each other) into the same city we would bond and spend time together and it would be just like I picture. Unfortunately I suspect that that wouldn’t work. I think I would distance myself and be the same lonely I have always been.

 So then is it time to change the behavior or the way I think about loneliness?

This is day four of my FOUR! CONSECUTIVE! DAYS! OFF! And I have done absolutely nothing. I initially thought that having four whole days to not be at work would be the best Christmas present ever, but then I got me some Tiffany& Co. so it is only the second best present I got this year. (Isn’t it amazing that those little blue boxes are almost enough of a gift in themselves? It’s marketing at it’s finest!) The Spawn is equally delighted with his gifts – largely Lightening McQueen in nature- and is already hassling us about next Christmas. We did not make it to Atlantic City for Boxing Day this year. Rain and our apparent inability to continue a tradition kept us at home watching Six Feet Under all day instead. All in all I am declaring this Christmas a success and we are all hurtling towards a new year together…FTW!

 Tomorrow means back to work and routine and finding a way to keep The Spawn entertained for his next 5 days off of school, so today looks like a good day for a Sunday drive and discs 3 and 4 of S.F.U.- Merry Christmas all, here’s to not getting out of my pajamas until the last possible minute!