Life Under Construction

Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Forgive me, please.

I’m feeling very pitiful, and I guess it is for days like this that I have a ‘Feeling Emo’ category for my blogs.

I read some of my old blog posts earlier, and they made me sad.  Not because I was a sad person writing about miserable happenings or anything, because I wasn’t, but I could see just how drastically my writing has changed over the course of the last three years.  The quality of my writing has gotten better (as in my grammar and such), but the content of my blogs is very different and not at all where I saw myself being three years down the road.  My current blogging style has become uninteresting to me, and that is what makes me sad.

After reading some of these old posts that I saved on my computer I am amazed at how good some of them are, even with the spelling mistakes.  I enjoy reading my old posts because they were personal and silly and very me.  I do not enjoy reading my current blogs as much as my old ones, not in the same way at least.  I feel like the things I wrote then were an entire lifetime ago – like I was a completely different human being – and it makes me feel a bit sad inside that I can’t seem to find the person in me that I used to be.

I kind of feel, I suppose, like my writing has become superficial and insubstantial.  I used to enjoy blogging a lot more – which is evident, I think, with my two, three or sometimes even four blog posts a day.  I mean I was excited about it.  All the time!

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.  Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to find that person I’m looking for deep down inside of me and bring her out again.

I LOVE…  going to the movies by myself, especially when the theater is practically empty.  It makes the whole movie experience more enjoyable.

I LOVE…  when I find a fantastic author, and I want to own all of the books he/she has ever written.  And sometimes, with an author like Sarah Dessen, I own all their books and wish they’d write at inhuman speeds (even though I know that’s not how it works) so that I could have more.

I LOVE…  writing in my journal.  It helps me sort out my thoughts when everything in my head is jumbled (which happens more often than writing).  It also helps me figure out how I feel about just about anything, because writing reveals parts of me that I don’t pay attention to.

I miss my Dear Diary blog.

I LOVE…  spending as much time with my nephew as I do.  I remember being his age and thinking the world of my aunts and uncles, because I was always around them.  I’m glad I can be here for John, looking after him, having fun with him, experiencing things with him.  It makes me feel like I’m giving him things to look back and smile about, the same way I’ll be able to look back and smile about spending so much time with him.

I LOVE…  living with Sarah.  She truly is one of my very best friends.  We have a closeness that I always wanted with her when I was a kid.  I was that annoying little sister that touched every book, Barbie doll (OK, so maybe I massacred her Barbies), and toy she ever owned because I wanted to be just like her.  And look at us now.  ♥

I LOVE…  that Secret Life of the American Teenager is back, Heroes is back, and Lost starts up again in less than a month.  Now if only Glee wasn’t on hold until April, things would be almost perfect.

I LOVE…  the Twilight series.  You should all be happy to know that I picked up New Moon yesterday.  Not the copy with the movie characters on the cover, I picked up the original paperback at WalMart – which is what I’ve been wanting.

Happy Friday everybody!

What do YOU love today?

I’m sending out Christmas cards this year, and I’m pretty darn excited about it!  I was totally going to MAKE Christmas cards this year, but I’m at a loss as to how to do such a thing in a short period of time (read: by Friday – which is when I’m sending out cards).  I am plagued by such questions as How thick can an envelope be for just a regular stamp? and Where on Earth would I get envelopes that take one stamp for construction paper cards? and the like.  Also Who even does that anymore besides first graders?.  You know?  I’ll do it next year when I’ve had more time to prepare.  Probably next year.  Maybe next year.  I’m up in the air about it (( at least I didn’t say “we’ll see” )).

So I’ve been sitting here trying to write a blog that doesn’t sound like I’m writing in in novel form.

I AM OUT OF PRACTICE, PEOPLE!

I’ve come to realize in the last few weeks that I love writing a lot more than I thought I did.  I mean, I knew I loved writing.  I’ve loved writing creatively since I was in the 9th grade.  But recently I’ve developed a desire to do it all. the. time.

When NaNo was first over, I was all like I am never doing this again! and Walter was all like Yes you are. and I was like I know! but I totally thought I’d at least give myself some time before I started working on another project.

Nothing like 50k words in 30 days, mind you.

But last night while I was laying in bed trying to get some shuteye my brain was working up a storm.  One of those furious-ideas-shooting-off-like-thunder-and-lightning-in-the-cloud-that-is-my-brain storms.  I keep a wee notebook by my bed for such occasions so that I can get them out and they don’t float around up in there trying to keep me awake, so I wrote them down (( I also wrote ‘fixed width columns’.  Whatever the Hell that means  o.0 )).  I’ve been thinking about trying my hand at short stories and this writing project Badass Geek asked me if I was interested in helping out with.

I look at all these fantastic pep talk emails from the people over at NaNoWriMo and I think “I can do this!”  I’ve never wanted to BE anything, as I said in my things you probably could have gone the rest of your life without ever knowing about me blog.  I haven’t ever seriously wanted to do anything with my life.  I’ve wanted to just ‘get by’ and do as little as possible since I was in the second grade.  I remember Mrs. Hammond telling me I was the laziest child she had ever met in her years of teaching, and that I was so smart and it made her sad.  And now?  It is like the gods of What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up? have finally smiled upon me.  MRS. HAMMOND WOULD BE SO PROUD.

I wonder if she remembers me.

Maybe what I’ll do today is design a new header for my blog.  Maybe.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
How old were you when you realized what you wanted to do with your life?
Should I buy the Twilight series or just ask for it for Christmas?

…

Gwen Bell’s Best of 2009 Challenge:
December 2 Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind?

This one is a tie:

1.  Breakfast in NYC with Lauren, Pham, and Katie.  It wasn’t the food, because the food sucked so bad.  It was definitely the company.  I ♥ them.  I already knew Lauren (we drove there together DUH), so it was fantastic and fun to meet Miss Dot Com and Mr. Pants.

2.  Breakfast at Bagels ‘N More with Walter.  It felt so normal, so good.  I wish every day could feel like that.

I LOVE…  snogging my husband.  I miss him.

I LOVE…  doing I LOVE…Fridays! every week.  It’s my favorite blog to write each and every week, except maybe this week my favorite was Trust me.  You WANT to read this. (AKA the time I almost killed a man) but I still love my ILF.

I LOVE…  writing.  It’s the only thing that’s challenging that I actually WANT to do, as opposed to all the times I realize something is challenging and give up (which is always).

I LOVE…  how Anissa’s friends and family and all the ladies over at Aiming Low are praying and pulling for Anissa.  She had a stroke this week, and she needs ALL your prayers and well wishes.  If you want to help out the family in any way you can, go to THIS PAGE and fill out the form.  I’m praying for Anissa.  Are you?

I LOVE…  Twitter.  I kind of  stopped using broke up with forgot about it for a while, but with this awesome TwitterGadget doohickey I added to my iGoogle home page a couple weeks ago, I remember to check and update it a lot more.  Like fifty times a day more.

I LOVE…  Twilight.  It’s true.  I make no secret of my love for all things Edward Cullen.  Going to see New Moon this afternoon with Sarah.  It was my least favorite of all the books (because there was practically no Edward!) but the movie looks good.  When NaNoWriMo is over I’m going to re-read them.

I LOVE…  Edward Cullen.  You’ll probably get a lot of that from me in the next few days…  SINCE I’M GOING TO SEE NEW MOON.

I LOVE…  that John Green likes Twilight.  No, Siriusly (<- I love when I do that)… he does.  PROOF!!!!

I LOVE…  Edward Cullen.  What?  I said that?  Oh, well… I do.  I love him.

I LOVE…  this song…

I LOVE…  the Glee mash-up of Young Girl and Don’t Stand So Close To Me.  Mr. Schue totally NAILED it!  I have to say that I love all the Glee mash-ups so far.  I really look forward to more of them.  :D

I totally went all Linky McLinksalot on all y’all today with this great amount of links I’ve posted (and by great I mean ‘large’, not ‘really freaking cool’), but I swear they are all awesome (and by awesome I mean ‘really freaking cool’).

What do YOU love today?
Have you seen/are you going to see New Moon this weekend?

***

Word Count:  33′531

When you’re reading a book, what do you like the most about it?  What do YOU like to see in a novel?

Do you ever just feel empty?  Like there’s nothing left inside you to write?

When I sat down to write this blog I felt like I had nothing left to say, like I’d said everything and no matter what I share with you I’ll just be repeating myself.  It doesn’t feel good, feeling empty of words.  It feels really… uncomfortable.

I don’t feel like my life is empty.  I feel full in that respect.  I’ve got my love, my family, my friends, plenty of things to be happy about, and I am happy.  I just don’t understand why I feel like I have nothing to say.  It’s bothering me.  There’s nothing weighing on my mind.  I feel extremely light, like nothing is wrong apart from that I have nothing to say, except for the fact that I have nothing to say.  That in itself feels wrong.

Does any of this make any sense?

I know I’ve said it a million times before (and I’ll probably say it at least another million times in the future) but I’m going to say it again:

I often want to write but have no idea what I want to write about.  Sometimes the urge to write is so strong, but I end up getting frustrated because I feel empty of ideas.

And I don’t just mean in relation to blogging.  I mean all the time, in my blog, in my journal, in letters, or just writing for the sake of writing.

Does that happen to any of you guys?  Does it frustrate you like it frustrates me?

I love writing.  I haven’t always loved writing, but at some point in high school I developed this love for writing, writing anything: taking notes in class, English assignments, writing notes, poetry (I used to write a lot of poetry)… I never really cared for it before and when it hit me it really hit me.

Is this writer’s block?  I hear people all the time say that writer’s block isn’t real, but if it isn’t real then what is this?  What is this nearly overwhelming desire to write with nothing coming to mind if it’s not writer’s block?

I. Feel. Good.

I do.

I just got off the phone with Walter and while that’s more than enough to put me in a good mood any day of the week, after we hung up I got to thinking about being in a good mood.  What puts me in a good mood?

Besides talking to Walter.  :D

Sitting in my bed, in my comfort zone, with a soft light on or maybe a candle lit, just thinking.  That can put me in a good mood.  Not really thinking about the future or the past, just thinking about the present and what is around me… almost to the point of not thinking (or as close as I can get to that).  Letting my mind wander without premeditated pattern or worry.  That’s about the only time I ever do anything in the moment.

Writing can often times put me in a good mood.  Writing about anything, mostly in my journal, just makes me feel good.  Good about myself, good about life, good about a lot of things.  It makes me feel free, like nothing else in the world has the power to do.

Planning.  Planning makes me feel good.  Planning with myself, inside my head.  Drawing up ideas, making diagrams and lists… it makes me feel good.  Planning is my favorite stage.  It’s way better than doing or finishing.  Finishing is actually the most sad phase of any project because I hate to see things end.

Planning is like fantasizing with paper.  I love fantasizing.  I generally spend 90% of my waking minutes fantasizing about something.  Planning is putting organization to fantasizing.  Call me a nerd but I love organizing.

It’s OK.  I know I’m a nerd.

I like making things with paper.  I like blank paper.  I like the way it feels to know I can do anything with a blank sheet of paper.

It makes me feel good.

I feel good.

I’m going to go lay in bed with Stuffy and feel good for a while.  For as long as I can.  Before Life buts in and insists on reminding me that I’m needed or responsible.  I’m going to go feel good right now, while I can.  Because who knows how long this feeling is going to last?  And if all I do is just lay there and nothing productive comes of it, I’m more than OK with that.  I’m happy with that.  I’ll feel good doing it.