Life Under Construction

Posts Tagged ‘Sean’

It always seems like something bad is happening somewhere in my life and (whether it requires my attention or not) I worry about it.  I wonder sometimes if I’m such a good worrier that it’s all I’m really good at in the long term.  I can’t even sleep anymore without worrying because I dream about being worried about something.

Pathetic.  Right.  I know.

I know that every day has the potential to be good and bad.  Good things are going to happen just as surely as bad things are going to happen.  It’s how the world works.  But don’t you just have days when the bad things are all you can see?  Doesn’t everyone?

There are two things going on right now in my life that I can’t avoid thinking about, no matter how hard I try.  I worry about these two specific things constantly, on top of all the other everyday matters that are harder for me to face than they should be.

1. I’m still not over the fact that I broke up with Sean
2. my best friend is going to Iraq in about a month and he’ll be there for at least a year, possibly longer

Did I make a huge mistake?  What if I did make a mistake and can’t make it right?  How am I supposed to live with that?  How can I tell if the pain I’m feeling is the kind that will go away or the kind that I’ll have to live with forever?  What if it ends up being all for nothing?

What if Walter doesn’t come home?  What if he does?  What if he gets hurt over there?  What if he can’t get over the things he sees when he comes home? What if he doesn’t come home???

Some of the time I feel lost, like I don’t know myself.  I often define myself by the people I surround myself with in the moment, and it helps me to feel some confidence and comfort.  I don’t even know what other people see when they look at me, because I don’t know what I see either when I’m looking at myself.  This isn’t a new problem, it’s something I’ve been dealing with and ignoring for a couple years, something that’s getting harder to ignore.  Sometimes I dread spending time alone, because I’m afraid I’ll feel worthless or I won’t exist.

Half the time I want to just give up, throw my hands in the air and give up on everything that’s going on.  I want to, but I don’t do it.  Sometimes I think about running away from my problems, running away from life and starting over.  But I’ve done that before.  And it didn’t work out.  It just made things harder when I came home.  I don’t want to make things harder, because they’re hard enough as it is.

Either I’m going through a defining quarter-life crisis, or every stage in life is merely one crisis after another.

Ugh.  It’s just one of those days where I wish I could erase all my mistakes because learning from them is too hard.  My own emotions are too hard to deal with and I don’t have anyone to help me through them.

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I LOVE… my boyfriend.
I LOVE… bacon.
I LOVE… Ramen noodles.
I LOVE… bananas.
I LOVE… blogging.
I LOVE… writing just about anything down on paper.
I LOVE… taking pictures.
I LOVE… knitting.
I LOVE… Lost.
I LOVE… Padu’s chicken.
I LOVE… that my nephew pronounces kitchen as chicken.
I LOVE… vanilla coconut room spray from Bath & Body Works (the only thing I love there is room spray).
I LOVE… grapes.
I LOVE… the sun shining outside my window at work.
I LOVE… karaoke at the Cove on Friday nights.
I LOVE… FRIDAYS!  For realz.
I LOVE… everyone at the PQ nation.

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I LOVE… blueberry pie.
I LOVE… that Varitek *finally* signed with the Red Sox for the 2009 season (with an option for 2010).
I LOVE… that my pillow smells of Sean’s cologne.
I LOVE… when I’m listening to my iTunes and one of Sean’s recordings pops up randomly.  ♪♪♪
I LOVE… my new kick ass ringtones.  ♪♪♪
I LOVE… my kick ass cell phone.
I LOVE… taking pictures.
I LOVE… singing in my car.  ♪♪♪
I LOVE… that it’s Friday and I have the next two days off to play FlyFF and CoD4.

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As I was driving home last night from my grandmother’s house I heard on the radio that Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady are not engaged and that she is still available. Not that I really give a rat’s ass who in Hollywood is dating who or who is available and when, but it’s how he said it that bothered the crap out of me (a classic case of ‘it’s not always what you say, it’s how you say it’).  It was something along the lines of the following:

“Gisele Bündchen announced to the press today that the rumors being passed around of her supposed engagement to football star Tom Brady are not true.  You hear that?  Guys – Gisele Bündchen is still available!  And ladies- Tom Brady is still available!  I’m sure a lot of you are happy to hear that!”

What pissed me off?  No, not the assumption that all the women in the world want Tom Brady (um… no thanks) or that all the men want a Brazilian model for a girlfriend.  No, it actually wasn’t anything like that at all.  It was the way he says they’re “still available”, implying that couples who aren’t engaged or married can’t have the same loyalty and emotional commitment as those that are.  As far as I’m concerned, being in a relationship makes me unavailable.  Period.  There’s no room for negotiation there.

I may not be engaged but that doesn’t make me any less emotionally committed and loyal to Sean.  I can only imagine that other couples that are in serious relationships feel the same way, they’re not available just because they don’t wear a ring.

Man.  I don’t even know you dude, and I want to kick you in the balls.

There.  I felt offended.  I’ve said my piece.  I feel better.

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I’ve been interviewed by Grumpy Young Lady!  Here are her questions and my answers:

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1. Describe yourself using 5 words starting with the initial of your first name.
jaded
jumpy
jealous
judgemental
joker
2. Toilet paper – do you scrunch or fold?
I scrunch the first one or two squares and then fold the rest, so it’s kind of like wrapped around my fingers like a mitten.
3. What is it that you love about your partner?
It might be easier to tell you what I don’t love about him because the list would me much smaller, but I’ll tell you some things that I love about him anyway.  I love the way his skin smells.  I love the scar on his nose, and how blue his eyes are.  I love that he thinks about me when I’m not around, and misses me when we’re not together.  I love his nipple rings, his neck, his hands.  I love the way he makes me laugh.  I love the way he makes me feel inside.
4. If you could be a man for a day, what is it that you would like to experience in that 24 hours?
Honestly I’d want to have sex with a girl and see what all the fuss is about.
5. People can’t change.  Discuss.
I think that’s a false accusation.  People DO change, but most change doesn’t happen abruptly.  People that sincerely want to change can change.  People that don’t want to change will always stay the same.  As they get older, people grow and mature.  That’s changing.

******Some extra bonus questions!******

6. Your earliest childhood memory (or ‘image’)?
I was about 2½ years old, and I’d just walked into my grandmother’s kitchen.  She was making fish on the counter and I saw a worm coming out of it.  I haven’t been able to eat fish since.  I also remember being bathed in the kitchen sink.  I wonder how old I was then…
7. If you had to give up either sight or hearing to save the world, which would it be and why?
You’d think this is a tough question, but immediately I decided that I’d give up hearing.  I need to be able to read.  While I like music, it doesn’t affect me the way it does a lot of the people I know.  I can go for weeks without listening to music and not even notice.  I can NOT, however, go weeks without watching a movie or reading a book.
8. Who would you ‘change teams’ for?
Scarlett Johansson.

and Zooey Deschanel

9. Which deceased famous person you would bring back from the netherworld and why?
It’s a complete tie between Henry VIII of England and his second wife Anne Boleyn.  I’m so fascinated with the reign of Henry VIII and the women in his life (including his children and sisters).  There are so many things I would want to ask them about their lives together and apart.
10. Star Trek vs Star Wars? If you don’t like either – which has the craziest fans?
Um, Hi.  Have we met?  I know all the lines to the original three Star Wars movies.  I have posters, old toys, the original theatrical release on DVD, books of all kinds.  While I do love Star Trek (Wrath of Khan, anyone???), Star Wars is just so much more magical for me.  I’m going to go ahead and say that they both have equally crazy fans.  Star Wars freaks (I use that term lovingly) have Star Wars themed weddings, while the majority of Trekkies are probably nerds (see The Big Bang Theory on CBS).  Both are lovable, but Star Wars is my favorite.  Ever.  Now, if by the ‘vs’ you’re wondering who I think would win in the ultimate battle for all the universe I would have to go with Star Wars again.  The Federation has some pretty kick ass weapons and ships, but the Jedi have powers.  POWERS.  You can’t beat powers, no matter how many photon torpedoes you have.

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The rules: (to be put at the end of your post, answering the above questions!)

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

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I want to thank everyone for their support on last Thursday’s blog.  I really appreciate it.  This weekend has been wicked hard for me.  Sean is miserable at AIT, I miss him so much, and I moved out of my grandmother’s house over the weekend and in with my sister Sarah.  It’s great living with her and my nephew.  I take showers that stay hot for more than two minutes.  Everyone knows how to undress themselves.  I’m in good company there.  Right now I don’t have the internet set up on my home computer but I’m not that worried about it just yet.  I will be soon though, I’ll start to go through FlyFF and CoD4 withdrawals and then I’ll worry.

Maybe I’ll get a laptop.  We’ll see how that goes.  I’ve been wanting one for a while now but I can’t afford one.  If I can get some overtime at work I’ll totally get one.  I’m at work early right now, but an hour and a half of overtime isn’t going to buy me a laptop.  I’m not going to be able to afford to go on the NKOTB cruise, but with everything that’s been going ok I’m ok with that.  I’ll probably be disappointed later on in the year, as the cruise dates draw closer, but for now my energy and focus are on other things.  More attainable things.  Things a lot closer to my heart.

In other news I watched Wishbone yesterday at my dad’s house.  I can’t believe that show still runs on PBS.  I used to love it, and it wasn’t disappointing to watch after so many years like a lot of older TV shows are when you out grow them.

I don’t have much else to say right now I guess.  I need to buy stamps later.  And envelopes.  This is shaping up to be a long four months.  I miss my boyfriend so much.

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I want to kick some Army ass.  Seriously.

Sean has been ‘tentatively‘ scheduled to leave this week for months now.  He’s supposed to leave on Friday for AIT.

Tentatively.

I keep asking him if he’s found out for sure if he’s leaving or not, and he always replies with ‘I’m not sure, they still haven’t gotten back to me.’

Sarah made some comment about the Army supposedly being the most organized organization and yet they can’t even tell a body if he or she is going to school after months of waiting, with four days left to go.

I’m so angry!  How freaking hard can it be?!!  I’d like to march on down there and give someone a face full of my fist because this is ridiculous.

Ridiculous!

They’re supposed to be this image of structure, stability, and reliability.  How can anyone take them seriously if they can’t even be that?!

In other Army related ranting, Walter is supposed to be getting deployed to Iraq with his unit sometime this spring.  He isn’t sure when, he just knows that it’s going to happen.  They have a ‘tentative’ leave date, but they’re told it could be earlier (it’s a possibility, they aren’t sure and can’ t make up their minds) and aren’t given a leave date.  Well, they have a tentative leave date, but now they’re not so sure about it.

Don’t they understand that being in the Army is a job, and that these people have families and lives and probably other jobs too???

Is it like this everywhere in the Army, or is it just the units in question?  How about the other US Military branches, are they this disorganized???

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Ten days until Christmas, ladies and gentlebloggers.  Sean’s stocking is officially stuffed and waiting for The Big Day.  There’s nothing too big in it since I got him a guitar, it’s just a stocking but I think he’ll like it.  We went out and bought new stockings and decorated them since it’s our first Christmas together (thanks for the collective “aww!”).  We’ll be a whole year together in January.  *glowing grin*

A word to the wise:  Do not use glitter glue on super fuzzy stockings.  *pout*  Sean’s is already peeling.

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RANDOM RANT:
There is no milk in my house!!!  I’m cranky and thirsty and DAMMIT I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!

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We sold our iPhones FINALLY, the day we got back from the Cape.  Got new cell phones, but I’m not sure how I feel about mine yet.  The AT&T software is lame, it should just be simple.  Sean got a BlackBerry Curve and I got a Samsung Rugby (the phone I’ve been ogling online for days).  The BlackBerry is too complicated for me, and I really like flip phones.  Here’s what my phone looks like, except there’s no yellow on mine:

Mine is all black baby, but only because they were all out of burgundy.  The only thing I’ll miss about the iPhone is how I could check my email wherever (I’m a compulsive email checker), but I’ll get over that.  I don’t need to be CONSTANTLY connected.

Do I?

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I went to Texas Roadhouse yesterday.  First time ever.  And it was gooooooood.

There was this old couple sitting diagonally from us, and the woman had such thick white crimped-like hair that you’d have thought it was a wig!  …Except that she had a mustache to match, but that’s neither here nor there.

The food was wicked tasty.  It’s my new favorite restaurant (especially now that there’s no Macaroni Grill in RI >.<), their prime rib is so yummy!

This is us being silly at the restaurant:

OK, so Sean is being silly and I’m being cute.  :D

It’s Monday, I’m back from vacation, and I’m probably not even really “back” yet (if I was ever gone to begin with).  I’m excited for the holidays and spending time with my family.

What is everyone up to today?  I need a distraction from the stress of being me, so DISTRACT ME!

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I’m super serial.

Vacation from work starts in 2 hrs 4 min.

Vacation from life starts in approx 19 hrs.

Sean and I are going to The Cape tomorrow, coming back later in the week, so chances are pretty damn good that I won’t be around the Internets until at least Friday.  Wish me lots of good relaxing, because I’m going to take a crack at it.

My first vacation without my family since 2006, and this one’s just for ME!  And Sean, but ME!

xoxo

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Maybe I’ll ask for some for Christmas.  :]

It’s Friday, halfway through my workday, and I’m so ready for the weekend.

<– I like this picture.  I took it at Alli’s old apartment (they just moved) and I’m still so fascinated by word magnets.  Plus it’s all rainbow-y like sorta.

I hope everyone had a great trke day!  Mine was cool.  It was different, but cool.  It was the first time in about 10 years that I didn’t eat Thanksgiving dinner at my grandmother’s house and she wasn’t very happy about it (she’s so greedy with my time :]).  The food was good, the company was excellent, there were only two things missing but I’m not going to tell you what they were.

I finished making my 101 in 1001 list today and posted it as a separate page to my blog here (I’m not sure if making new pages alerts you through email).

I miss spending time with Alli.  I hope we can get together and go to the movies this week (although I’ll probably regret it because she’s that person who asks a billion questions during the movie even if you haven’t seen it before).  There’s a couple things out that I want to see.

I’m almost done getting Sean’s Christmas gifts in order.  I still need to buy stockings for us, but maybe we can do that this weekend (if we dare to go out in the sudden after-trke-day hullabaloo).  Probably Target or something.  I don’t know if I want to go all the way to Providence with all the crazies on the road.  Please.  There were a billion on my way to work in CHARLESTOWN.  I can only imaging how Providence will be this weekend.

The greatest part of my weekend is being with Sean.  After watching Heroes tonight I’m going right to his house.  I’ll make him play Flyff with me too, because he hasn’t played with me since last weekend.  There’s a new event going on over the weekend and I want to get a lot of the limited time offer items.  I’m all over that event stuff, LOL.

For the time being I’m going to have to read my book and hope the phones stay as slow as they’ve been.

What is everyone up to today?  Anything good?  Still in a trke coma?

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