Life Under Construction

Archive for the ‘Feeling Emo’ Category

I’m too angry and irritated to love anything at the moment.

Except my little brother, who is going to scan those pictures of me when he gets out of work.

I’ve been trying to get in touch with someone from Unemployment for about a month now (because I have to speak to an actual person to find out why).  AN EFFING MONTH.  I was so discouraged that I couldn’t get a hold of anyone that I gave up for a while.  So I called again yesterday and got a recording saying that they were closed Wed and Thu, so I’ve been calling at least once a minute for the last 45 minutes.  And all I’m getting is a busy signal.

So I’m getting zero funds.  Since the beginning of January.  ZERO FUNDS.  I have no income.  It’s driving me crazy.

I HATE UNEMPLOYMENT.

I MISS MY JOB.

BOTH OF THOSE THINGS A VERY LOT.

I really really miss my job.  I can’t even tell you how much.  I’d even take the frustrations again if it meant I could be doing what I was doing where I was doing it.

And now I cry.

Happy freaking Friday, everybody.

Share This

Forgive me, please.

I’m feeling very pitiful, and I guess it is for days like this that I have a ‘Feeling Emo’ category for my blogs.

I read some of my old blog posts earlier, and they made me sad.  Not because I was a sad person writing about miserable happenings or anything, because I wasn’t, but I could see just how drastically my writing has changed over the course of the last three years.  The quality of my writing has gotten better (as in my grammar and such), but the content of my blogs is very different and not at all where I saw myself being three years down the road.  My current blogging style has become uninteresting to me, and that is what makes me sad.

After reading some of these old posts that I saved on my computer I am amazed at how good some of them are, even with the spelling mistakes.  I enjoy reading my old posts because they were personal and silly and very me.  I do not enjoy reading my current blogs as much as my old ones, not in the same way at least.  I feel like the things I wrote then were an entire lifetime ago – like I was a completely different human being – and it makes me feel a bit sad inside that I can’t seem to find the person in me that I used to be.

I kind of feel, I suppose, like my writing has become superficial and insubstantial.  I used to enjoy blogging a lot more – which is evident, I think, with my two, three or sometimes even four blog posts a day.  I mean I was excited about it.  All the time!

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.  Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to find that person I’m looking for deep down inside of me and bring her out again.

Share This

The sun is disappearing over the horizon that is 2009.

I’m so deep, I know.

Four days until the start of the new year.  I feel rather reluctant to leave 2009 behind, so I suppose it’s a good thing that time doesn’t consult me before moving ahead.  I’m sure that if it did I’d still be 6 years old, living in The Gray House, spending my days climbing giant mounds of dirt and hanging out at The Old Oak Tree.

But alas, each day is ending and bringing me closer to 2010.

It’s scary, not knowing what is coming.  I like plans.  I like when things are set in stone, and when there are no surprises.  My skin is cold with anxiety just thinking about it.

At the same time, I know that in approximately three months my best friend is coming home.  We will no longer have to live via telephone wires and internet waves.  We’ll have this whole new life, and I’m excited for it.

But at the same time?  I’m sad.  I’m always sad when things are over.  Even things that weren’t so good to begin with, like old relationships or crummy vacations.  I hate when things end because I don’t know what is coming.

It is for this reason why I hate to finish reading an incredible book.  I know that when I pick it up again, it won’t feel the same.  Will I ever be able to recapture that feeling?  The one where I loved what I found between the pages?  Or right now, nearing the end of the holiday season…  will I ever feel as surrounded by family and tradition as I did this year (when this year I didn’t feel it as much as I have in the past)?  I feel like this every year.  I’m looking forward to the new things to come, and yet I’m sad to leave behind the things I’ve experienced.

Let’s be honest, we all know my memory is crap sometimes.

The new year is coming, and it’s bringing changes with it.  Big, bright, shining changes.  I’m ready for them, but it’s a bittersweet kind of anticipation that I’m feeling.  Kind of like watching the sun go down: you know it happens every night and that the sun comes up every morning, but there’s an ache in your heart as you watch something so beautiful disappear.

Share This

…that I often fail before I even really begin?

I will admit that sometimes I doom myself to failure.  We all do (or so I tell myself so I don’t feel as bad about it).  But there are other times when I fail before I’ve even begun something, when all I really want to do is succeed.

I get discouraged rather easily, so it’s hard to get back up on the horse once I’ve fallen off.  Even if I only had one foot in the stirrup at the time.

I get in these moods where it’s impossible to cheer me up.  If something upsets me I can go from 60 to 0 in a second flat and no matter who you are or what you try and do for me it will. not. lift. my. mood.  The majority of my day is then ruled by the anger or the sadness or the disappointment.  There isn’t even anything I can do.

I used to try to cheer myself up.  I used to try and fix my mood once it went downhill, but I felt like a fake when I did.  I felt like what’s the point? and… well… like my emotions were cheap if I could trade them off so easily.

I’m not an easy person to get along with all the time.  I’m the most stubborn person I know.  Fact is, I react poorly to a lot of thoughts going on in my head because I don’t know how else to handle them.  To some people I’m sure it appears immature or irrational, and I probably come off as emotionally unstable more often than not, but to me it’s always justified.  My feelings are always just that: my feelings.  I deal with them the only way I know how.

It takes a lot to turn my mood around.  Hell, I’ve lived with myself for 26 years now and I still can’t do it.

So why is it that I still disappoint myself?

Share This

I’m stressed out today.  Of course I am.  I was in such a good mood yesterday that today has to suck.  Whenever I’m happy I always have to crash hard.  It’s stupid.

All morning I was looking for this song by Swish & Flick (more Wizard Rock), Astoria Greengrass And The Pure-Blood Prince, but the only place you can get it is if you buy the whole album.  It’s not even on iTunes.  I’d have to order the CD through the mail.  But I don’t WANT the whole CD.  It’s very frustrating.

I also didn’t have time to go to the bank or stop and pick up anything for lunch and dinner on my way to work, so I’ll have to leave work for a little while to get something, which I HATE doing.  I feel like such a bad worker if I leave the building to get food.  Heck, I feel like a neglectful worker whenever I get up from my effing desk.

And to top it all off, I’m depressed and PMSing.  I hate my stupid hair and my shirt is wrinkled and everything is making me angry.

Share This

It always seems like something bad is happening somewhere in my life and (whether it requires my attention or not) I worry about it.  I wonder sometimes if I’m such a good worrier that it’s all I’m really good at in the long term.  I can’t even sleep anymore without worrying because I dream about being worried about something.

Pathetic.  Right.  I know.

I know that every day has the potential to be good and bad.  Good things are going to happen just as surely as bad things are going to happen.  It’s how the world works.  But don’t you just have days when the bad things are all you can see?  Doesn’t everyone?

There are two things going on right now in my life that I can’t avoid thinking about, no matter how hard I try.  I worry about these two specific things constantly, on top of all the other everyday matters that are harder for me to face than they should be.

1. I’m still not over the fact that I broke up with Sean
2. my best friend is going to Iraq in about a month and he’ll be there for at least a year, possibly longer

Did I make a huge mistake?  What if I did make a mistake and can’t make it right?  How am I supposed to live with that?  How can I tell if the pain I’m feeling is the kind that will go away or the kind that I’ll have to live with forever?  What if it ends up being all for nothing?

What if Walter doesn’t come home?  What if he does?  What if he gets hurt over there?  What if he can’t get over the things he sees when he comes home? What if he doesn’t come home???

Some of the time I feel lost, like I don’t know myself.  I often define myself by the people I surround myself with in the moment, and it helps me to feel some confidence and comfort.  I don’t even know what other people see when they look at me, because I don’t know what I see either when I’m looking at myself.  This isn’t a new problem, it’s something I’ve been dealing with and ignoring for a couple years, something that’s getting harder to ignore.  Sometimes I dread spending time alone, because I’m afraid I’ll feel worthless or I won’t exist.

Half the time I want to just give up, throw my hands in the air and give up on everything that’s going on.  I want to, but I don’t do it.  Sometimes I think about running away from my problems, running away from life and starting over.  But I’ve done that before.  And it didn’t work out.  It just made things harder when I came home.  I don’t want to make things harder, because they’re hard enough as it is.

Either I’m going through a defining quarter-life crisis, or every stage in life is merely one crisis after another.

Ugh.  It’s just one of those days where I wish I could erase all my mistakes because learning from them is too hard.  My own emotions are too hard to deal with and I don’t have anyone to help me through them.

Share This

Mike will be working from home and therefor will not be in the office today.  That makes me sad.  But we’re getting dinner on the company later, which is good.

I don’t know if I want to make a peanut butter and Fluff sandwich today for lunch.

There’s (finally) a new Grey’s Anatomy on this week.  And the preview for it looks good.  Better than good.  I hate when they have particularly dramatic two-parters and then take a couple weeks off.  Who wants to watch reruns mid-season?  What’s wrong with television these days?  Why can’t TV shows just run from September to April like they used to?  Things made sense then.  It made sense when children’s shows were only on on Saturday mornings instead of every day at 3:30am, and when shows like Sex & The City were only aired on HBO because of the content.  What happened to the world?  Why do professional sports celebrities and movie stars get paid more than doctors and teachers and firefighters?  AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEES THE STUPIDITY OF IT ALL????

I hate when my computer tells me that updates are ready and it interrupts what I’m doing because the stupid pop up thinks it’s more important than any other program running and needs to be at the front of the screen.

I miss my nephew when I don’t see him for more than a day.

What am I supposed to be doing with my weekend?  I have all this time to myself which is wonderful, but I have no plans and I’m kind of nervous about it.

It isn’t even 9am and I’m contemplating where my life is headed.  Isn’t that a bit heavy for this early?

All Dogs Go To Heaven bothers me.  It’s sort of dark, but I don’t know if that’s it.  The movie itself was good ten or twenty times back in the day (back in the day = when I was wee), but after that it’s just annoying.  I can’t stand any of the music.  It’s like the only Don Bluth film that I truly can’t stand.  Now The Land Before Time, that was an excellent one.

I despise Myspace these days.  I dread logging in but can’t seem to stop myself.  I do have a Facebook now, however.  I broke down and made one ’cause Courtni told me to.  There’s a lot less drama on Facebook.  And I only friend people I actually know and don’t feel bad about it.

What’s the point of life?  I know that’s the age-old question if ever there was one, but it’s eating me up.  What if I’m not doing it right?  What am I supposed to have at this point, being 25?  Am I supposed to have accomplished anything?  Shouldn’t I know myself better than I do?

Share This

I woke up this morning feeling ashamed of what I wrote yesterday.  Even for feeling the things I felt.  Some of which I still feel.

It’s just that… some days are harder than others.  Some days I’m OK and I’m happy and I think life can be good.  Then there are days like yesterday when I feel like my world is falling apart and no matter how hard I try to compensate for everyone else I can’t seem to stop it.

I won’t take back what I wrote.  I can’t, because yesterday I meant every word.  In a few days I may feel like that again.  And again.  And again.  Right now I don’t know exactly how to explain what I feel.  I feel mixed up and betrayed.  My friends are all so supportive of me, and I feel a little bad about that.  But I shouldn’t.  I know I shouldn’t feel bad.

Yesterday I guess I let my feelings overwhelm my compassion and my common sense and I feel terrible about it.  I care so much about everyone else and their feelings that I keep a firm hold on mine so as not to let them hurt anyone else.  I care so much about how the things I say and do will effect other people, especially in a negative way, but yesterday I lost my restraint and unloaded off on the world in a public place for everyone to see and I’m ashamed.

I cried at work off and on all day.  When I got home I cried so hard and for so long that I ended up with a migraine.  Just punishment?  I don’t know.

I’m sorry if what I wrote yesterday hurt any one’s feelings, especially Sean’s and anyone else he knows that might have (but probably didn’t) read it.  I’m sorry if it isn’t exactly what anyone was expecting to hear from me, but I can’t take it back because there are days when I really feel that way and it’s so overwhelming.  While I can usually keep it to myself or share it with one or two people close to me, yesterday I needed to lash out in some way.  And words are the only weapon I’ve ever had.

Share This

I’m not satisfied.  Am I going to explain what I’m not satisfied with?  Probably not very well since I can’t seem to find the right words.

Insomniac Lolita commented on my I LOVE…Fridays blog last week that I have such a positive outlook on life.  I smiled when I saw it, but the truth is that I really don’t.  I don’t have a positive outlook on much at all.

I was looking at Myspace pages today, people I used to know, people I went to school with, and I noticed that most of them seem to be genuinely happy or at least comfortable with their niche in life.  And me?  I’m neither of those things.  I don’t know why either.  I don’t know why I’m unhappy, why I’m dissatisfied, or why I’m too lazy to do a damn thing about it.  I don’t know why I can’t stop worrying, why I’m constantly a secret mess, or why I don’t want anything out of life.

I don’t have goals.  I don’t feel like I can’t reach goals, that’s not the issue, I just don’t have any.  There is nothing that I feel the need to work for, nothing that I want to achieve.

I keep telling myself, for years now, that once I do certain things or when I reach a certain point, then I’ll be happy, then I’ll be living.  But does that even make sense?  I’m living right now.  Why do I feel like I need to reach a certain point to be happy.  Why do I think “if only I can do this” or “if only I can get there”?

Sometimes I’m in such a good mood.  I don’t know if I’m happy per se, but sometimes my mood is so high and good that I feel like everything is right in the world.  But that’s not happiness, is it?  It’s more like temporary elation.  It never lasts, and my mood always plummets afterward.  It’s like whenever I’m happy about something, I crash hard.

The truth is: it feels good to be happy, but it’s so easy to be miserable.  It’s so easy to be sad or depressed.  It’s so EASY.  And that’s why I do it.

I think I just realized that I’m a coward.

Share This

I went to the dentist today and had my crown put on finally.  It’s all gold and shiny in the back of my mouth, like it’s my hidden bling or something.

——————–

I have decided that I love Courtni.  I liked her before, but now I love her and I can’t wait to talk to her tomorrow.

——————–

I’ve been spending more time on Myspace lately than I have been in the past few months.  It’s pretty much the only way I talk to Alli anymore since she works 6 days a week.  I miss her.  I just wanna spend some time with her, just a couple hours.  I won’t even make her go to hibachi because I know she hates rice and meat and vegetables.

——————–

I’m tired in ways that sleep won’t cure.  Tired of so much, and tired of me, I think, sometimes.  Vacation didn’t help.  I don’t know what will.  Sorry to be such a downer.  It’s late and I’m tired and kind of sad about things.  I’m full, I have a headache, my cold is getting worse, and Sean hasn’t called me back, so I’m going to go to bed.

Share This