Life Under Construction

Archive for the ‘Life's Little Questions’ Category

If you haven’t read this article, you’re missing out on something truly incredible (a big thank you goes out to Wil Wheaton for always sharing such great articles he finds with his readers).  I don’t know the person who wrote it, but I can definitely relate to her.  I understand where she’s coming from, and what she’s written gives me hope.

I’ve been miserable before.  I’ve gone through life feeling hopeless and sad and bored and empty, like nothing.  Heck, I feel empty almost every day lately.  It sucks.

When I was in middle and high school (ask any of my friends) I obsessed over things I was passionate about.  I found something that made me happy, and I focused on it.  I put energy into it.  In 7th grade it was The Beatles.  In 8th it was Star Wars.  In 9th and 10th it was drama club (and drama club boys, but we won’t get into that right now).  And I was happy.  I was a lot happier than I have been in recent years, and I’ve wondered several times if it had something to do with the lack of an object or topic to obsess over.  In other words: a passion.

I asked myself: What have I been passionate about in the last 10 years? Has there been any one thing I’ve been passionate about that lasted more than a couple months?  And why is that?  Is it because I get bored and lose interest?  Is it because I find something, and I love it so hard, but people patronize me about it?  Like how much I love Harry Potter?  So many people were telling me I’m too old for it, making fun of me over how excited I got (still get) over it.  So maybe I say things like “Expecto Patronum!” in my head with a terrible English accent, and yeah, maybe I did cry when characters died.  So what?  Yes, I listen to Wizard Rock and I fantasize about going to Wrockstock and meeting people that have some of the same interests as me, and I join Harry Potter forums and websites.  What’s it to you?  Why do you have to make fun of me about it?

I think I went off on a tangent there… but moving on….  It’s likely both of those reasons and more.

I can’t think of anything I put energy into anymore.  I don’t even put much energy into blogging (don’t even get me started on how many people in my real life give me shit for blogging as if anyone cared what I had to say).  I don’t have any passions right now.  I feel like I’m just waiting for something to come along, I feel like I have all this passion and all this love and attention to give to something.  I just need to find what it is.

I may not be happy 365 days a year, but I’m on my way to being happy with my life as a whole and reading what the author of that post had to say really put some things into perspective for me.  I’m slowly learning to be proactive, to take charge of my own happiness.  I’ve been working on it for a while, because if I can’t make myself happy nobody can.  But it’s hard because while I can’t rely on others to make me happy, they definitely have the power to put me down.

I want to know what you think.  Read that article.
Can you relate?
Do you have any words of wisdom to add?
Are you passionate about anything?

I’m wicked tired, so I hope this made sense.

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I don’t understand ‘getting paid to blog’.  How does that work?’

Kat over at Tough Girl 101 posted a blog yesterday about how she gets paid to blog, called Can You Make It As A Paid Blogger? I answered that I didn’t quite understand the mechanics of it, but I wanted to make a blog out of my response anyway to see what you all think about it.

I’m not against getting paid to blog.  On the contrary, I would love to get paid for it.  But at the same time, I think it would lose it’s attraction if I felt I was obligated to do it.  Blogging is something I simply love to do.  But if I were to feel obligated to do it, it occurs to me that I might not want to do it anymore.  That maybe getting paid for it won’t be as fun as just doing it for me?

I mean… who pays you?  How do you claim that on your taxes?  Do you consider yourself to be self-employed?  And what do you blog about to get money?  Do you have to blog about specific things?  I’m sure I can’t get paid to blog about how I sit at my computer every morning before work and debate over whether or not I have time to play WoW, or about the enormous amount of ice cream I ingest on a weekly basis while I watch TV shows with my sister.  I’m just sayin’.  I think there’s only so much out there to get paid for blogging about, isn’t there?  I don’t know a whole lot about any one specific topic (except for Star Wars), not enough to blog about anyway (except for Star Wars lol).

So can someone explain to me how it works, this blogging for dollars thing?  And what do you think about it?

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Mike will be working from home and therefor will not be in the office today.  That makes me sad.  But we’re getting dinner on the company later, which is good.

I don’t know if I want to make a peanut butter and Fluff sandwich today for lunch.

There’s (finally) a new Grey’s Anatomy on this week.  And the preview for it looks good.  Better than good.  I hate when they have particularly dramatic two-parters and then take a couple weeks off.  Who wants to watch reruns mid-season?  What’s wrong with television these days?  Why can’t TV shows just run from September to April like they used to?  Things made sense then.  It made sense when children’s shows were only on on Saturday mornings instead of every day at 3:30am, and when shows like Sex & The City were only aired on HBO because of the content.  What happened to the world?  Why do professional sports celebrities and movie stars get paid more than doctors and teachers and firefighters?  AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEES THE STUPIDITY OF IT ALL????

I hate when my computer tells me that updates are ready and it interrupts what I’m doing because the stupid pop up thinks it’s more important than any other program running and needs to be at the front of the screen.

I miss my nephew when I don’t see him for more than a day.

What am I supposed to be doing with my weekend?  I have all this time to myself which is wonderful, but I have no plans and I’m kind of nervous about it.

It isn’t even 9am and I’m contemplating where my life is headed.  Isn’t that a bit heavy for this early?

All Dogs Go To Heaven bothers me.  It’s sort of dark, but I don’t know if that’s it.  The movie itself was good ten or twenty times back in the day (back in the day = when I was wee), but after that it’s just annoying.  I can’t stand any of the music.  It’s like the only Don Bluth film that I truly can’t stand.  Now The Land Before Time, that was an excellent one.

I despise Myspace these days.  I dread logging in but can’t seem to stop myself.  I do have a Facebook now, however.  I broke down and made one ’cause Courtni told me to.  There’s a lot less drama on Facebook.  And I only friend people I actually know and don’t feel bad about it.

What’s the point of life?  I know that’s the age-old question if ever there was one, but it’s eating me up.  What if I’m not doing it right?  What am I supposed to have at this point, being 25?  Am I supposed to have accomplished anything?  Shouldn’t I know myself better than I do?

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I don’t understand ‘hanging out with friends’.  What purpose does it serve?  What does it accomplish?  I need to understand, what is the point?  What do you get from it?

What do you do when you’re ‘hanging out with friends’?  Does it improve upon the quality of your life?  And if so, how?

These are serious, burning questions.

Also watch my video blog from this morning.

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What do you do for fun?
What do you do to unwind after a stressful day?
What do you do to cheer yourself up when you’re feeling, well, crummy?
What do you do when you have an hour all to yourself to spend any way you like?
Is there anything you do just because you enjoy it, and not because someone else does?

I need to know, because I don’t have answers for any of the above questions when it comes to my life.  :/

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While I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office this afternoon, there were a few other people coming and going.  I always wonder: do I look sick?

I wasn’t there because of physical illness today, so I also thought: do I look anxious?  Can they tell that I’m tapping my fingers even if I’m doing it quietly?

Um, yes Jaime.  They can probably tell if you’re being that paranoid about it.

Anyway, I thought a lot about waiting rooms.  I always wonder about the other people in the waiting room.  I take in their mannor and appearance, and I quietly confer with myself about how sick they appear.  I do it to everyone in every medical waiting room, and I didn’t even notice until today.  I wonder how many people look at me and think that I’m normal because of my appearance, or wonder what I’m doing at the doctor’s if I don’t look sick.  I wonder how many people are secretly conferring with themselves in the secluded spaces of their mind about me and why I’m there.

Does anyone else do that, or is it just me?

There are other times when I’m really physically sick and I make an appointment, but when I get there I feel bad about making the appointment.  Do I really feel as sick as I thought?  Are they going to think I’m faking it if I don’t believe it myself all of a sudden?  Am I just taking up their valuable time?

And then when I leave I feel a flood of relief because I pulled it off.  I proved I was sick because I really was sick, and I’m glad I went because they got the goods to help me on my way to being healthy again.

Does anyone else do that too, or is it just me thinking my real sick is a phantom sick while I’m sitting in the waiting room?

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