Life Under Construction

In just 12 hours I’ll be boarding a plane to Mississippi.

Actually, I’ll be boarding a plane that takes me to another plane that eventually takes me to Mississippi.

And I’m a little freaked out.  I’ll be gone for over a month.  What if I forget something?  What if I don’t remember to grab my meds or my lucky necklace (shut up)?  What if I have an anxiety attack in the airport?  Or worse… on the plane?  I’ve been flying for years, but it seems that every time I fly I get a little more anxious about it.  And I have no iPod this time.  All I have to distract me is my DS, and I really hope that works.

I can’t find my digital camera charger.  I’ve been looking for it for days, and it’s just missing.  And my camera is pretty much out of life juice.  It is not in my bedroom, and it really bothers me when I own something and I don’t know where it is.  So until it’s found, it’s just one more thing for me to worry about.

I probably won’t have the internet for a while.  The most I’ll be able to do, I think, for at least a week is post updates to Facebook and Twitter from my phone.  That means no blogs.

At least when I come back I’ll have something interesting to say.

Share This

It’s Monday again, the start of a new week, and this week actually feels different.  All my days and weeks have felt the same for months now (what with me being unemployed and all) but I know that change is coming and it feels like a good change.  It’s a change I’m ready for.

This Friday I’m making my ‘temporary’ move to Mississippi.  I’ll be living down there for about a month and a half before Walter and I fly back up to Rhode Island to move all my stuff down (read: the actual move).  That will take place sometime in the beginning to middle of May.  Before my birthday, which is in 69 days.

My wedding reception will be *fingers crossed* May 9th.  I realized afterward that that particular Sunday is Mother’s Day, but it’s really the only weekend I can have it.  I think.

I did a lot of shopping at the mall on Saturday, and by a lot of shopping I obviously mean that I bought underwear.  Because it’s been too long since I bought underwear.  I should have looked into buying new sneakers, but I didn’t think of it.  Blast!  I suppose Walter can always take me shopping for new sneakers.  *shrug*  Yesterday I had breakfast with Jean and we went to Walmart and I bought stuff I’d need for the move.  Because I like to come prepared, like a good Girl Scout.  My old troop leaders would be so proud.  I just have a few more things to pick up before I pack my bag, like a pillow and some sunflower seeds.

In other news I’ve been watching Stargate SG1 because all 10 seasons are online.  I swear, I half expect Colonel O’Neill to spit out a piece of gum and pull a toothpick and rubber band out of his back pocket to fix whatever problem they’re encountering.  He obviously doesn’t do that, but it’s still awesome.  I <3 Richard Dean Anderson.  It’s almost hard to believe that they came up with enough material for MacGyver to last 7 seasons… but then I remember that he’s MacGyver.  He can do anything.  DUH!!!

Speaking of MacGyver, I’ma watch some more Stargate now…

How was your weekend????

Share This

I LOVE…  that I have the coolest family and friends.  Lauren and my cousin Crystal took me out to dinner last night at the Olive Garden, and I had SUCH a great time.  Why did we wait so long to do this?  We could have been having this much fun for years, and now I’m moving and it’s going to be a while before we can do it again.  *sad face*

I LOVE…  the non-frozen strawberry Bellini I had last night.  Both of them.  They were most delicious.

I LOVE…  the Sound of Music.  I bought the soundtrack on iTunes the other day and watched the DVD yesterday.  I’ve always loved that movie (just ask Sarah, much to her dismay), and it still makes me feel as magical as it did 20 years ago.

I LOVE…  that my Pampered Chef order came in, and all I want to do is play with everything!

I LOVE…  the diamond earrings I bought myself on Tuesday.  I love them so much, I’ll probably wear them every day.

I LOVE…  that a week from today I’ll be arriving in Mississippi, getting ready for my husband to come home from Iraq.  MY HUSBAND IS COMING HOME.  HE WILL BE HOME.  IN THE UNITED STATES.  WITH ME.

I LOVE…  that I’ve set a date for my wedding reception, and that I know where I’m going to have it.

Share This

If you haven’t read this article, you’re missing out on something truly incredible (a big thank you goes out to Wil Wheaton for always sharing such great articles he finds with his readers).  I don’t know the person who wrote it, but I can definitely relate to her.  I understand where she’s coming from, and what she’s written gives me hope.

I’ve been miserable before.  I’ve gone through life feeling hopeless and sad and bored and empty, like nothing.  Heck, I feel empty almost every day lately.  It sucks.

When I was in middle and high school (ask any of my friends) I obsessed over things I was passionate about.  I found something that made me happy, and I focused on it.  I put energy into it.  In 7th grade it was The Beatles.  In 8th it was Star Wars.  In 9th and 10th it was drama club (and drama club boys, but we won’t get into that right now).  And I was happy.  I was a lot happier than I have been in recent years, and I’ve wondered several times if it had something to do with the lack of an object or topic to obsess over.  In other words: a passion.

I asked myself: What have I been passionate about in the last 10 years? Has there been any one thing I’ve been passionate about that lasted more than a couple months?  And why is that?  Is it because I get bored and lose interest?  Is it because I find something, and I love it so hard, but people patronize me about it?  Like how much I love Harry Potter?  So many people were telling me I’m too old for it, making fun of me over how excited I got (still get) over it.  So maybe I say things like “Expecto Patronum!” in my head with a terrible English accent, and yeah, maybe I did cry when characters died.  So what?  Yes, I listen to Wizard Rock and I fantasize about going to Wrockstock and meeting people that have some of the same interests as me, and I join Harry Potter forums and websites.  What’s it to you?  Why do you have to make fun of me about it?

I think I went off on a tangent there… but moving on….  It’s likely both of those reasons and more.

I can’t think of anything I put energy into anymore.  I don’t even put much energy into blogging (don’t even get me started on how many people in my real life give me shit for blogging as if anyone cared what I had to say).  I don’t have any passions right now.  I feel like I’m just waiting for something to come along, I feel like I have all this passion and all this love and attention to give to something.  I just need to find what it is.

I may not be happy 365 days a year, but I’m on my way to being happy with my life as a whole and reading what the author of that post had to say really put some things into perspective for me.  I’m slowly learning to be proactive, to take charge of my own happiness.  I’ve been working on it for a while, because if I can’t make myself happy nobody can.  But it’s hard because while I can’t rely on others to make me happy, they definitely have the power to put me down.

I want to know what you think.  Read that article.
Can you relate?
Do you have any words of wisdom to add?
Are you passionate about anything?

I’m wicked tired, so I hope this made sense.

Share This

I'm the one in blue.

One of the things I heard most often as a small child was “Take your sister and go play outside.  And stay out of The Gravel Pit.”

Of course that’s right where we headed.

In the way back of our backyard at The Gray House was a hill you could drive a car down that led straight to The Gravel Pit.  Almost at the bottom of the hill there was a little path through the woods that led to The Old Oak Tree (basically just an old tree that had fallen down that we claimed as a fort), so Alli and I would veer right down that path to go to The Old Oak Tree just in case.  I mean, you couldn’t see the path or The Old Oak Tree from the house but we were kids and being overcautious.  We didn’t want to get in trouble!  Alli and I usually climbed on the fallen tree (that wasn’t really an oak tree, but how were we supposed to know that?) and sat for what we deemed was an appropriate amount of time in case mommy came looking for us, then we’d sneak the remaining twenty feet or so to the edge of The Gravel Pit and run around the very edge to another path we’d discovered toward the very back.  It was a weird place we found, and we got in trouble one time because we definitely couldn’t hear anyone calling for us from there, but we liked it.  There was a discarded mattress we could jump on without getting in trouble.  There were some old baseball cards (my favorite was a Darryl Strawberry – I didn’t know anything about baseball at the time except that my dad said Rocket Roger was the best pitcher and Wade Boggs had a hole in his glove – and I really liked strawberries….) we’d look at and it was just our extra special secret place.

There was an unspoken code of honor when Alli and I were kids.  The I won’t tell if you won’t code.  And even then if one of us slipped up and told on the other, the offended party wouldn’t retaliate.  Because to retaliate would mean that we probably got into MORE trouble with the grownups, and if there was anything we understood as children it was that we had to stick together.  We understood what it meant to get in trouble, and we understood what we had to do to keep each other and ourselves OUT of trouble.

As we’ve gotten older that code has sort of dissolved.  I’m still the big sister, the protective one (the enabler).  But instead of being my partner in crime, Alli has taken another path through the woods so-to-speak.  She’s on some super secret path of her own that I can’t see ever going down, and our only interaction is when she reaches out because she wants something or needs something.  Do we adventure anymore?  No.  Not together, at least.  Our friendship, like our partnership, has started to dissolve over time.

The Old Oak Tree is crumbling and breaking and decayed.  The secret path to the discarded mattress and our super secret hideout is no longer discernible through the forest.  And Alli and I can’t rely on each other the way we used to.  Sometimes growing up is no fun.

But no matter what happens, I’ll always always always love my little sister.

Share This

I’m too angry and irritated to love anything at the moment.

Except my little brother, who is going to scan those pictures of me when he gets out of work.

I’ve been trying to get in touch with someone from Unemployment for about a month now (because I have to speak to an actual person to find out why).  AN EFFING MONTH.  I was so discouraged that I couldn’t get a hold of anyone that I gave up for a while.  So I called again yesterday and got a recording saying that they were closed Wed and Thu, so I’ve been calling at least once a minute for the last 45 minutes.  And all I’m getting is a busy signal.

So I’m getting zero funds.  Since the beginning of January.  ZERO FUNDS.  I have no income.  It’s driving me crazy.

I HATE UNEMPLOYMENT.

I MISS MY JOB.

BOTH OF THOSE THINGS A VERY LOT.

I really really miss my job.  I can’t even tell you how much.  I’d even take the frustrations again if it meant I could be doing what I was doing where I was doing it.

And now I cry.

Happy freaking Friday, everybody.

Share This

I was going to post a blog this morning that I spent a lot of time thinking about and working on, but I wanted to put a picture in it of me when I was all wee and cute and my brother never got around to scanning it and emailing it to me, so I’m posting it next week.  Because it just won’t be complete without the picture.  So for tonight I’ll just give you some random things I’ve been thinking about.

• I eat too much candy.  I do, I eat Sour Patch Kids and Raisinets and Nerds and M&M’s and Almond Joys (oh, Almond Joy is my favorite) and Kit Kat bars and… you get the picture.  But I’m not going to stop eating it.  Not right yet anyway.  I need it.  It makes me feel good.
• I also sit around a lot.  I spend the majority of my day sitting, and when I’m not sitting I’m laying down.  I’m so lazy.  I won’t stop doing that either, unless someone forces me to.
• I’m tired of my blog theme.  Nothing I can design ever works for me for more than a month at a time and it really bothers me.  Why can’t I just design something and stick with it and like it?  Huh?  Why do I have to be so ridiculous?
• I was watching Desperate Housewives (don’t judge me) tonight and I recognized Leslie Ann Warren by just her voice.  She played Cinderella in my favorite version of Roger’s & Hammerstein’s classic and I loved her in it so much.  So tonight when I was watching Desperate Housewives (I said don’t judge!!) and I realized who she was I got uber excited and had to check on imdb to see if I was right and I TOTALLY was.  I’m so giddy about it.

That’s it.  I’m pathetic today.  I hope everyone’s week is going good.

Share This

It seems like everyone is moving these days, doesn’t it?

Back in 2003 I moved to South Carolina to be with a boy I’d only known for 8 months.  A boy named Josh who, after less than five months together, asked me to marry him.  I’m pretty sure people in my family were taking bets on how long I’d stay down there.  The move lasted a whole 5 months before I called my dad and asked him to come get me, which he promptly did.  Needless to say, Josh and I never got married.

I was impetuous.  I didn’t think everything though before I said yes to moving 1′000 miles away.  I didn’t think anything through, for that matter.  I agreed as if I had nothing to tie me down, nothing to hold me back.  In all actuality I think I just wanted to run away, and he simply presented me with the opportunity.  I didn’t realize at the time how much I still needed my family.  I didn’t realize at the time that the things I did could have the kind of consequences they’ve had.  I only thought about what I was doing, and not about what would happen down the line.

It’s been nearly 6 years since I moved back home from South Carolina, and I’m going to be moving again.  But this time?  This time I’ve weighed all my options.  I’ve taken all of the important things into account (and a whole lot of unimportant things, too) in making my decision.  Sure, there are some loose ends to tie up but I know I’m moving this time for the right reasons.  I’m not running away from anyone or anything.  I’m running to someone.  And that makes all the difference in the world.

Share This

I LOVE…  feeling genuinely happy.  Lately I’ve been feeling down, often times like there is nothing to look forward to and I’ll never smile again.  Which is a lame feeling.  Today I feel happy.  I’d like to keep this up, please.

I LOVE…  that this week Christina uncovered Bible Fanfiction.  BIBLE FANFICTION.  Do you understand what that means?

I LOVE…  finally wearing pants that fit me.  I put it off for far too long, not wanting to acknowledge that I’d never fit into my size 3’s again.  I guess this means I’ve accepted that I’ll never be the size of a 16 year old as long as I live.  And that’s good… right?

I LOVE…  that there are only 86 more days until my birthday.  ♥

I LOVE…  Pampered Chef!!!!  Lauren had a Pampered Chef party last night and I filled out an order form for some wicked awesome kitchenware goodies that I can’t wait to use!  Like the egg slicer.  And the food chopper.  And the green color coated knives.  (( Can you NOM cooking utensils?  Because I want to…. ))

I LOVE…  the Twilight Saga.  I finished reading Breaking Dawn (for the second time) last night and it was even better than the first time I read it.  Is it sick that I already want to read them again?  Right now?  I won’t.  I’ll wait at least until Breaking Dawn comes out in paperback and I can own it.  I’ll wait.  But I don’t want to.

I LOVE…  owning books.  I dislike borrowing books more than I dislike lending them out.  (( shudder ))  That’s a lot.  I like to own them and know they are mine.  What if I want to read it again?  (( No, I don’t have a library card – in case you were wondering.  I haven’t had one since I was 10 years old. ))

I LOVE…  GLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Share This

I’m feeling wicked detached from the internet – from all things really – and I don’t like it very much.  I feel uninterested in everything and it makes me sad.

Ick.

I have nothing to report, really.  Um, I’m spending the day with my nephew and sporadically reading a blog here and there or watching a YouTube video.

I feel blah.

I feel boring.

I feel uninterested in everything.

I guess I kind of want to go back to bed and hope that I’ll wake up feeling better, more interested.  More excited about ANYTHING.

I’m not getting enough rest at night while I’m sleeping, I think.

Lame sauce.

Someone cheer me up, please?

Share This