Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘time’

I am getting this out before it boils enough and spills out in the form of spoken word.
Fuck this shit. I’m done.
I deserve better. I want better.

It’s so simple to fall into a casual lay. To be honest, I don’t have the time or energy to invest in meeting new people. I just don’t. This was convenient. It was easy. It was fun.

But, I’m also a woman. Which means that I’m programmed to inevitably get attached. Even though I don’t want to. Even though I know it won’t work. Even though I know I’ll get hurt.

I just didn’t think I was going to be this moody about it. Like, seriously. One minute I’m all about the casual, not so many strings attached whathaveyous and then the next I’m clingy and insecure and demanding immediate attention. What the hell? Maybe it has a bit to do with the all the cuddling and babying and “I wish it were more even though I know it can’t be” that I keep getting. But, I’m also getting the brush off, the asshole attitude, and fuck, my heart is racing just typing about this. It pisses me the fuck off. Why does he have to be such an asshole?! Can I have the past three months back, please?

It always starts smoothly, no? Dinner, movies, good conversation, just hanging out and some sex every now and then. There is effort on the other party’s side to make plans and see you, to call, to text. And then bam, next thing you know all that has faded and been replaced with a string of “what are you doing tonight?” that no longer means you’re getting taken out on a date, it means you’re getting lucky. And for a while that’s all cool and shit, because honestly, who has the time to be going on dates all the time? For someone who has their calendar full for the next two months with things kid and work related, this should work out perfectly. You have great sex and get on with your life. Had the whole thing started off as an FB kind of thing, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad…

But it’s the fact that it turned into that that pisses me off.

I know why it happened. I know it’s my fault. I should have never been this available. I shouldn’t have payed that much attention. I shouldn’t have tried to make it something it wasn’t.
I knew what the outcome would be. And I’ve typed this out before yet still go back to him because falling back into an already existing sexual relationship is easier, more convenient, and safer than going out and having to establish some sort of connection with someone, wait as long as it takes to feel comfortable and make sure they’re not pervs/psychos/weirdos before actually thinking about sleeping with them. Not to mention the fact that as much as I talk about sex, my libido is close to non-existant lately. I kind of just crave a warm body lying next to me.

I don’t get it. I’m confused and I really don’t know what I’m saying anymore. All I know is this sucks and I hate reacting like this. I feel like a silly school girl with a crush. I’m stronger than this. I don’t play games, I don’t put guys through tests, I am moody, but not to the extreme that it has been getting to lately. I know I can’t say one thing and mean another or expect someone to read my mind, yet I still do it.

I don’t like the person that this is turning me into. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. It makes me feel like I’m falling, literally. I get goosebumps and chills and I can feel my body plummeting down as if I just jumped off a building. I feel exposed.

So fuck that. I deserve better. I want better and I’m done settling.