Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

Apparently my titles only consist of adjectives now.  How fitting.

First off, Happy 2010 to you all!

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am incapable of being happy or accepting things/people that are good for me.  I start to self-destruct and bring everything down around me.  That being said, I’m not unhappy.  I’m just…blah.

As 2009 came to a close and a new year approached with the promises of new beginnings and potential awesomeness, I realized that I’m not ready to share myself fully with someone.  It’s a sucky thing to realize, but one that makes things much more clearer.

I can’t say that I’m focused on something in particular right now as this whole last week has been lived in a sort of hyper-reality being that the kids have been gone and my mom has been out of town so it’s just been me and my friends and I know damn well that’s not my reality, but it has been a week of relaxing and thinking about absolutely nothing but the little things in life that I don’t get to enjoy everyday like sleeping in till 10 am, taking naps at random times and just getting up and going shopping for things for me.  Damn, that was a long sentence.

So in other words, this year has had a bittersweet start, but that’s a good thing.  I have a sense of self I hadn’t had in so long because I was looking for something that I didn’t really want and now that I’ve realized that I can move on and take things as they come.  That makes no sense because I can’t really put this feeling of weightlessness into words, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

In any case, I hope all of you find what you are looking for and reach your goals and have peace of mind in 2010.  A cluttered mind makes for a messy soul.

Love you guys…besos.

I should be incredibly happy right now.  I had an amazing time on my birthday, my belief that I have amazing friends was reaffirmed, and everything went off without a hitch.

Apparently though, I don’t do happy.

I’m shaky and mopey and everything makes me want to cry/punch things.  I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow; I don’t want to go to class.  I don’t want to leave my house.  I want to sit here on this couch and let life pass me by.  I don’t want to work on projects.  I don’t want to watch TV.  I don’t want to bake cookies.  I don’t even want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I’m sad and lonely and pathetic and I hate it because I don’t get it.  I really should be incredibly happy.

So because of I need a much needed attitude adjustment, the birthday blog recap will have to wait.  I don’t want to fuck up my memories of the day with depressing bullshit.

I hope you all are having an awesome Labor Day and enjoying the hell out of it.

Besos.

I’m buying a punching bag.  Yep.  I sure am. 

My mind works in a very weird way.  On my usual drive to work in the morning I drown out my thoughts with the sounds blasting through the speakers.  Today was not one of those days.

Today my mind was whirlwinding.  I felt like a tornado was about to form so I started to do a mental checklist to get it in order.  I’m anal like that.  Lists for everything.  The lists then get transfered to post-its which get plastered to the lining in my purse, the notebook I carry everywhere, or the back of my phone.

Post Its Make my world go ’round…seriously.

So on my list this morning went:
-Schedule M’s appointment with eye Dr.
-Find mechanic for oxygen sensor/brake pads
-Get oil changed on car
-Find blue thingamagig to remove paint chips from winshield (if any of you know what it’s called, please tell me)
-Find an activity to reduce stress and exercise to temporarily replace jogging
-Find an activity to replace wanting to punch him in the face everytime he calls

And then…I literally heard the “ding ding ding” of a boxing bell!  A punching bag?  Why yes, that would be exerciseful (my word, back off), it would relieve stress and keep me from punching someone!!!!! 

So I found the one you saw up there at Academy for under $40 and I can hang it up in the garage and punch my way to toned arms and thighs.  Yeeeeeyaaaaaaah!

In other news, I have that dreaded presentation today.  In 38 minutes to be exact.  Wish me luck.