Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘life’

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

Whoo.

Taxes: filed

M’s glasses: ordered

Lost watching: in progress.

Jaja, I wish I could take a pic of Kbob right now.  He was talking my ear off a minute ago and right now that I turned to look  at him he’s fast asleep with his feet on my shoulder and his head hanging off the couch.  He’s a monkey even in his sleep.

Today was incredibly odd.  I spent the better part of two hours reading about deadly creatures of the sea and freaking myself out because who knows when I might one day decide to go scuba-diving and some colossal squid will be like “hmmm, there’s dinner” and drag me down to the abyss with its hooked tentacles and then whatever would everyone do without me around?!  I know!  The tragedy!!!  See people, it’s a good thing I worry about these things.

Seriously, would YOU want this thing swimming after you?!

Aren’t you glad I don’t post images on here often???

Anytwittles, I was in a “mood” for the rest of the day.  Not a bad mood, or a sad mood, but a “what the hell is wrong with me…ooo, shiny!, can we all go home now please?” mood.  Yeah, try explaining that one to your boss.  So it’s just easier to say “lady problems” and move it along and then all is well again.

I’ve decided that I’m going to delete my myspace.  I know, I’m totes late for the movement against “the man” or what not, but fashionably late.  I just need to get my new laptop, go through all my old blogs, save those, go through pics and save the ones I want to keep which I no longer have, and ohmyfkingoodness I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

See, I can organize things better than your average Susie Q.  As long as they are physical things.  Meaning I can touch them.  Files in a computer, though, drive me completely insane.  I don’t even download music because it’s a pain in my ass to organize it into folders that I can easily retrieve depending on my mood.  Can you imagine how I would do with five years worth of crap from a website that gave me my first outlet to the blogosphere???  No bueno.

So sometime, maybe, possibly, perhaps, I will brave my OCD demons and get rid of the whole damn thing and just leave it all behind because really, who wants to go back and reminisce about the dark times in their life?  Oh yeah, THIS drama queen does.

Well, my loves, this is enough rambling for one sitting considering I don’t even have a glass of wine in my hand (although one lovely lady offered to think of me while she downed hers so that has to count for something, right?).

So goodnight, lucid dreams, and as my buddy Normy says, beware of bedtime creatures.

Besos!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  THANK YOU to those of you who joined me on my Google Friend Connect.  I LOVES YOU!!!

After spending the last five days at home, being at work seems like a harsh punishment for wanting material things in life.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where my life is, where it’s going and how it seems like I’ll never be where I want to be.

This semester has basically gone to shit. My GPA will drop. That’s a given. I’m completely out of the game and while I can still hope for one A and maybe two Bs, a C will be the inevitable outcome of the lab I’m taking. I don’t do Cs. Hell, I don’t do Bs either, but settling is what I have to do.
Yeah, I could have put more effort into it, devoted more time to studying rather than sleeping, but I’m fucking exhausted.

The options on how to solve this time/money/school crisis are not good ones:
a. Move back in with my mom and go to school full time. I JUST moved out. I’m not doing this to myself or to my kids.
b. Only do half-time at school for Spring. This will slow me down, yet again, and I’ll be further and further away from my degree.
c. Go to school full-time and get a part-time job. This makes sense, except for the money part. I can barely afford to live with my full-time “decently paid” job. How will I manage on less than half the pay?
d. Leave things as they are, get some good drugs and go full speed. This seems like the most reasonable one.

On top of all this, my kids need their extra-curricular activities back. M needs to get back in soccer. She misses it and it would be so beneficial to her health-wise and to release some pent up anger. Kbob needs something to keep him busy. He’s got way too much energy and needs a structured activity to release it.

Why can’t I have it easy like I see so many undeserving people do? I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I see so many women out there with guys who take care of them. Pay the bills while they go to school full-time and support and love kids that aren’t even theirs. Meanwhile I’m by myself, which is better than what I had while I was married anyway since I was basically by myself then too, but it’s fucking hard. It seems like I’ll never be at a place where I’m calm and stable.

I’ve chosen to go into the education field not only because I like it, but because it offers stability that other fields don’t. I get time off coinciding with my kids and that’s a HUGE deal to me. My mom was always there for vacation time and it meant the world to me; I want to be able to do the same with my kids. It just seems my kids will be grown and out of the house by the time I finally graduate.

And yeah, I’m lonely. There are days I wish I had someone there to just chill with and talk to, but that’s not important right now. I realize that, and while my focus sometimes shifts to this, it’s just the woman in me talking. I think I’ll save the rest of this for another day. I’ve dragged this out enough as it is.
Oh, Mondays…you kill me.

It happened again today.  I just had to look at his profile.  I didn’t want to.  I knew I shouldn’t.  I knew it was a bad idea.

But there it was, staring me in the face.  A pic of him and a chick.  A weird looking chick, but a chick nonetheless.

The guy who complained that I didn’t post pictures of us.  The guy who complained that I didn’t text him enough or call him enough.  The guy that I wasn’t good enough for.  The guy who said things that gave me hope.  The guy who strung me along.

There he was, smiling, with his arm around another girl.

The picture burned me more than I care to admit.

Yeah, it’s been more than a few months since he cut the cords that day that I finally gave in to his question…”tell me what you want”  …”I want you…to be with you”  those words tore down whatever it was that I had built up in my head.  Those words that I regret ever  saying because maybe, just maybe, he’d still be here if I hadn’t said them.

But now here I am, alone and trying to type through tear-filled eyes.

It’s not fair.  I don’t want to feel like this.

I didn’t ask for this.  It was just supposed to be a stupid crush, nothing more.

And I looked for ways to forget him in places I shouldn’t have gone.   And those regrets pile on top of the pain that I feel when I think of him and it’s just.not.fair.

It was never anything more than what it was.  A “whatever it is”.  And now it’s not and I want it back and he won’t ever know.

I should be incredibly happy right now.  I had an amazing time on my birthday, my belief that I have amazing friends was reaffirmed, and everything went off without a hitch.

Apparently though, I don’t do happy.

I’m shaky and mopey and everything makes me want to cry/punch things.  I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow; I don’t want to go to class.  I don’t want to leave my house.  I want to sit here on this couch and let life pass me by.  I don’t want to work on projects.  I don’t want to watch TV.  I don’t want to bake cookies.  I don’t even want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I’m sad and lonely and pathetic and I hate it because I don’t get it.  I really should be incredibly happy.

So because of I need a much needed attitude adjustment, the birthday blog recap will have to wait.  I don’t want to fuck up my memories of the day with depressing bullshit.

I hope you all are having an awesome Labor Day and enjoying the hell out of it.

Besos.

Whoa.

That is the overall sentiment regarding last night.

A few highlights…showing someone a picture of another someone’s torso and it being recognized. I’m cutting my losses short here (again) and not bothering with it anymore.

I have got to stay away from…damnit, I can’t even say keywords, nicknames or give context clues without giving myself away here.

I’m pretty sure I grabbed my ex’s girlfriend when she walked in last night and said “Hey, ma!” very loudly. He looked annoyed. Oh wells.

I danced. Oh.my.gawd. did I dance. And then I stumbledanced to techno. I wonder if I can coin that term. Or if I would even want to…

My phonebook is trouble.

I need coffee in an IV drip. Preferably Flavia’s Intense Dark Roast.

Anything and everything I say after midnight cannot and will not be held against me. This includes texts, emails, phone calls, personal conversations and telepathic glances. The midnight stipulation is null and void if I’ve had more than three shots before midnight at which point the rule applies then and there. I guess I should also include myspace, facebook and twitter communication in here as well.

Ok, now that I’ve had my coffee and I’m eating an Oreo cookie I can go on a proper mini-rant and toot my own horn a bit in the process:

I’m fucking awesome. I know I have my quirks and I’m a bit neurotic at times, but I’m a good person, damnit. Yes, I may be stuck up, but if it weren’t for the narcissist in me I’d crumble at my own insecurities. I’m loud, but not obnoxiously loud. I’m a sweetheart. I really am. I like to make people happy. I’m a people pleaser, sometimes to a fault, and sometimes to my own advantage, but I can’t help it if I want people to like me. I’m pretty. I may not have a perfect body, but I’m pretty fucking hot. I’m a dance machine. I have a bright future ahead of me. I’m not as responsible as I’d like to be, but I’m doing a pretty damn good job with what I have. I call when I say I will and I always return texts. I feel like I should end this with “I like to go for long walks on the beach” (which I do, btw) But seriously guys, I had to write this so I don’t feel insignificant and undeserving. I feel like I should be back in middle school yelling “Why doesn’t he like meeeeeee?!” to my best friend. It’s stupid and fucking ridiculous and this is why it’s reserved to be written on my blog instead of shouted at the top of my lungs.

Ok…/ pitty-party rant.

I am having quite a dramatic mood swing this morning.  So dramatic in fact, that I considered changing the name of this blog to “Dramatic Ramblings of a Divorcee”  and then decided that “Neurotic Ramblings” would be more fitting since I am slightly crazy and tend to rable often. 

There seem to be too many blogs out there with the Random Musings title and I don’t like it.  It’s like showing up to a party only to discover that three other people are wearing the same dress you thought to be couture and then the shame sets in and you try to find a way to change accessories or hair or something else that will make it stop.  I know some people would find this to be a talking point and engage in conversation and make friends with the people who seem to share a common interest, but we all know I’m socially reatrded when it comes to social networking on the internet so my solution is just to update the name to fit what I do because my typing is not musing, it’s a nice slice of crazy.

I’ve been playing around a lot more on facebook lately and have become quite fond of it, sans the million and one emails I receive everytime someone comments after me on a note, photo, or status update, but I figured how to solve that little problem.  I also discovered my profile or page or whatever it’s called in fb speak, was not private.  Red lights, flags and panic set in but that’s also been taken care of.

I would tell you people about the back to school shopping I did yesterday, but half of you aren’t interested and the other half (the mommies) would think I’m crazy for thinking that I got a bargain when I purchased Ralph Lauren slacks for my 5 yeard old at $20 a pop, but hey, they were marked down from $40 and my little man looked sharp.  M was just happy that she found pants without bell bottoms because as she says “that is soooo three seasons ago mom”.  Yeah, try three or four generations ma. 

Things on the dating front were mute.  WB went moody on me since Friday and I’m not dealing with that much drama when I’ve only known him for like a month, although I will admit I miss him the most.  He’s a charmer when he’s not being all twisty.  My Cowboy, I guess felt neglected or he’s been out fishing too much and I guess finally decided to give me the boot.  Oh, and the boy.  Yeah, haven’t heard from him in ages, yet the fucker manages to randomly pop into my mind at the most inoportune moments and I still haven’t figured out why since it was just a damn fling.  Cocky ass bastards, the three of them.

This is my last week of somewhat normalcy before my schedule goes from busy to insane.  School, school, and more school.  I’m sooo looking forward to it.  I need this to keep my focus off stupid shit, I need it because me being in school is the one of the few times where I get “me” time.  And of course, F.A. money always comes in handy. 

My case of the Mondays is close to non-existant today, but that could be because I’m wearing my 5 inch heels and my make up is flawless.  Also, my anxiety seems to be under control and we all know that’s always a good thing.

How was your weekend?  I want to now all about the shennanigan’s you got yourselves into…

Besitos!

Not fully awake.  Barely focused.  Hungry as hell. 
Yeah, that’s me.
I went to bed early last night.  Out cold by 11 pm only to be awakened at 1 am by anxiety that stemmed from nowhere.
Still, I would say I got a great night’s sleep.
So why are these dark circles under my eyes?  Why does my brain feel only half wired?
Well, if I knew the answer you best believe I’d change it because dark circles on my light complexion do not a good look make.
 
I’ve been thinking lately, and it’s probably not a good thing.  Ha.  Anywhoozle.  This whole “timing” thing really blows. 
“The timing is off”
“We should have met a year ago”
“Our timing always sucks”
 
Bull.shit.  How about this:  It will never be the “right time”; perfect timing doesn’t happen.  You work with what you’ve got and you enjoy it till it’s gone. 
If someone doesn’t make time for you, then they’re not worth your time. 
End of story.
 
I refuse to put myself in another situation with a time frame. 
I know inevitably all realtionships come with an unspoken time frame, but when you know the limit on yours, it’s time to move on.
 
I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life.  I have a friend who is aching so badly to settle down.  She wants a husband and house and the whole nine yards and she wants it now. 
 
I don’t.  I’m not looking for the person who I’m going to “spend the rest of my life with” which is a concept I dont’ believe in anyway.  I’m 23, sure I have kids, but I have my whole life ahead of me. 

I’m enjoying this part of my life where I have to respond to no one.  Dating is apparently out of the question because, well, the timing is always off!  LMAO.  Excuse me while I laugh at that. 
I guess there’s something about knowing that every person you get involved with will eventually piss you off or you them and whatever was going on will spontaneously combust.  But that’s also a good thing. 

I don’t to have to worry about the “where is this going?” and the “will this eventually lead to a serious thing” type questions.  All I want to know is that someone cares enough and finds me awesome enough to want to hang out with me.  That someone respects me enough to tell me when they’re ready to move on.  Someone who can be comfortable with seeing me exclusively even though I can’t devote more than 10% of my time to them. 

I don’t know. I’ve done the marriage thing and while the situation wasn’t perfect, the concept was the same.  I’d rather not go through that again. 
You want eggs and pancakes in the morning?  You get your ass up and make them yourself.  Oh, and pick up your damn socks!  You’re not a molting snake, damnit!!!  (ha, constant arguments, child on the side and the one thing I choose to complain about is the socks? you gotta love me!!!)

 
So no, I don’t believe in this whole perfect timing bullshit.  People are always busy these days and you’ve gotta work with what you’ve got.  I, apparently, seem to attract or be attracted to (can’t decide on this yet) the guys who are ready to leave this place.  Move on to bigger and better things.  I’m taking that as a good thing for now because I’ll take one of those guys over one that sees no problem with living in Brownsville for the rest of their lives anyday.  I’ve got to respect ambition. 

But I will admit that it fucking sucks.  You meet someone you’re attracted to and they say all the right things, do all the right things, and you start liking them more and more everyday and them bam!  They’re moving.  And then comes the whole “this sucks, I hate it, you’re amazing, blah blah blah….” conversation that I’d really rather not have because it doesn’t serve a purpose.  I already know I’m amazing, you don’t need to tell me.  Yes, it does sucks, but you’re bettering yourself and you’re saying what you’re saying for my sake and I don’t apreciate it very much.  I’m leaving this place too; I’m just on a different time frame. 

*I wrote this last Thursday after a chat with a good friend of mine about
his kid and outdoor activities for kids. After being out of town this
weekend, I think I have a better appreciation for this town and the
foundation it gives its youth. It may not be perfect, glamorous or
innovative, but it’s home.*

Austin was an awesome place to raise to my kids.

I miss Zilker Park. Playing with the kids, walking down the creek, riding
the Zilker Zephyr, children’s museums, just the whole atmosphere.

I fucking miss it like you wouldn’t imagine.

I’m crying right now because it hurts that I took that away from my kids. I
brought them to a shitty ass town with no diversity, where everyone is
judgmental and one-track minded.

I like the fact that people are more family oriented and tight knit here,
but fuck. There’s nothing fun to do! Same old park, same old resacas that
stink and aren’t even pretty to look at.

No driving up by the lake to see the dam. No driving up the hills and
looking at the gorgeous scenery. No picnics at the park, lunches at amazing
restaurants or hanging out in our beautiful apartment just watching movies
and being a family.

And what cuts me even more is that they miss it too. It’s always “Mommy,
remember when we used to take walks by…or go play at…or when you would
take us…” It fucking breaks my heart.

I need to go back. And I will. But I’m afraid by the time I get there my
kids will be “valley kids” with a “valley mentality” and a “valley
attitude”. I would hate that.

I want my kids to grow up appreciating the differences in people. I want
them to explore and expand their knowledge to the brink of their capacity.
I don’t want them to be close-minded. I don’t want them to think that this
is all the world has to offer. I won’t have that.

And I know I can teach them all that here and the way they see the world
doesn’t all have to do with where they live, but how they are raised. I
know that.

It was just so much easier to do that in a city that invites creativity,
praises individuality and opens up the possibilities of the unthinkable.

Three more years, babies. Only three more years.

*As a side note, my monkeys are up in Austin right now spending time with
their cousins and the rest of the other side of the family. They’re having
a blast. And I couldn’t be happier if I tried.*