Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

I should be incredibly happy right now.  I had an amazing time on my birthday, my belief that I have amazing friends was reaffirmed, and everything went off without a hitch.

Apparently though, I don’t do happy.

I’m shaky and mopey and everything makes me want to cry/punch things.  I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow; I don’t want to go to class.  I don’t want to leave my house.  I want to sit here on this couch and let life pass me by.  I don’t want to work on projects.  I don’t want to watch TV.  I don’t want to bake cookies.  I don’t even want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I’m sad and lonely and pathetic and I hate it because I don’t get it.  I really should be incredibly happy.

So because of I need a much needed attitude adjustment, the birthday blog recap will have to wait.  I don’t want to fuck up my memories of the day with depressing bullshit.

I hope you all are having an awesome Labor Day and enjoying the hell out of it.

Besos.

T.G.I.F. ~ Thank Goodness I’m Fabulous!!!

Welcome to Pecosa’s whoknowswhat#I’mon I LOVE Fridays blog!

I LOVE…that I have the most amazing best friend in the world.  Bitch’s got my back.  I love yas.

I LOVE…that I get to interact with the coolest ladies in the blogoshpere almost everyday.

I LOVE…that even though I might feel smothered and annoyed and like jumping off a bridge in six inch heels, my family loves me and protects me.

I LOVE…my new phone that will be promptly activated tomorrow and covered in a hot pink and black zebra print because I’m in that type of mood.

I LOVE…that I’m finally seeing results from eating healthy and working out every day.

I LOVE…my little brother.  He’s a pain in the ass at times, but I love that kid to death.

I LOVE…that Kbob is a natural at baseball, just like his daddy.

I LOVE…that M loves soccer, but still worries about her nails looking pretty.  =)

I LOVE…that even though this morning had almost turned to shit, I was able to recover, take a minute and turn it around.

I LOVE…that you love me and that I love you back and it’s good in da’ hood.  yep yep.

I LOVE…Lady GaGa.  Seriosuly, Starstruck, Poker Face, BeautifulDirtyRich…love ‘em all.

I LOVE…that I get to see my friends for lunch at the Roadhouse today and that even though we haven’t been there in forever, he knows just what I like.

I LOVE…that’s it’s FRIDAY and I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Now tell me…what do you LOVE???

I keep having dreams about my ex-husband.  I don’t  know why.  They’re frustrating dreams.  I’m lucid in them too, which makes it suck even more because I can’t will myself to stop.  We’re always fighting, just like when we were married.  I scream and shout and plead and nothing stops.  He continues to  be an asshole and not care about anything but himself.  I’ve woken up crying, I’ve woken up enraged, hands curled up in a ball, and I don’t know how to stop it, but it’s taking a toll on me.  And his fucking grin…he could give me a heart attack with that fucking grin.  Gah.

Anyshit.

I’m excited!  I’m going on vacation!  I haven’t gone on a family vacation in about five years.  It’ll be my mom, grandma, lil’ bro, my kids and me.  All packed up in a van headed to The Woodlands.  I love it there.  It’s a place in an of itself.  Not having to worry about school, work, the ex, Brownsville in general.  It’ll just be refreshing to get out of town for a couple of days. 

My aunt always makes the best thanksgiving dinners.  Two juicy turkeys, all the fixin’s, and pies, pies and more pies!  Pumpkin, pecan, cherry, apple, and cakes too.  I know my waistline will suffer, but screw it.  I’m on vacation, damnit!

Kbob’s bday is tomorrow.  I’m soooo happy!  My little man just brightens my day.  Seeing him smile warms my heart and the happiness I feel is indescribable.  M and I are going to make sure he has the best day ever, even if we’re stuck in the car for hours.

My brother came home last night with a huuuuuuge smile on his face.  I knew something was up, but I didn’t feel like asking, mainly beacuse I was tired and my mom was around.  Well, he couldn’t keep it to himself.  “Wanna know something?”  me: “I guess, sure, why not, make sure you close the lid on the washer first”  …”I had sex!”  with a huuuuuuuuuge freaking smile.  I didn’t know what the hell to say.  He’s too damn young to be having sex.  “Did you use a condom” “Yeah, (and he shows me a pack of magnums) you had said they wouldn’t fit, but the one you gave me popped when I put it on”  I wanted to die.  die.  TMI bro, TMI.  So I walked out of the kitchen to clear my head.  Then I went to his room to tell him I was happy he was at least responsible about it, and he goes “Got any other tips?” motherfucker.  “DON”T YOU EVER ASK ME THAT AGAIN!!  You’re my little brother for fuck’s sake!!!”  He just burst out laughing.  Fucker. 

Anyway, I’m just in a great mood today! 

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
Got any family TMI stories to share???

The one who will talk your ear off about how amazing and smart her kids are.  The one you don’t want to bring up kids in the conversation because she will find a way to bring hers up.  The one you wish would just shut the hell up about little Stacy and Bobby and their accomplishments.

But you know what?  I don’t care!!!!!!!!!

It makes me incredibly happy to know how cool my kids are.  My daughter has straight A’s.  She loves learning new things, she’s good at sports and she’s just overall a cool kid.  She’s been top of her class since Kinder and she just continues to excel.

I went to my son’s open house last night.  He’s 4 and in pre-k.  The teacher told me she wants to bump him up to Kinder because he already knows the stuff she’s covering and she doesn’t want to hold him back.  I just can’t even begin to explain how proud that makes me feel.

I want my kids to have the opportunity to be cultured.  I want them to have everything they need to explore different things and learn what they want to learn.  That’s why I’m back in school, to give them the opportunity my mom gave me.

Needless to say, I squandered it with a douchebag, but if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t be here writing about how amazing my kids are, so no regrets.  I just want to make sure they don’t do the same.

Sometimes I think M is too smart and mature for her own good.  I want her to enjoy her childhood and not try to be all grown up.  I don’t want her to end up like me and have to learn the lessons the hard way.  I want her to be able to seize every opportunity that comes her way if she wants to.  She’s my strength.  My princess.

And my Kbob.  My sweet, innocent little boy.  He’s my baby.  My heart.  I want him to enjoy being a little boy.  The rough playing, the sports, whatever he wants to do.  I knew I couldn’t expect him to read at 3 like M did.  Or to be potty trained at 1 like she was, boys and girls develop at different stages.  But it’s amazing to see that hé does great at the things she struggled with.  Different types of intelligence.  Multiple Intelligence presenting itself right before my eyes.

I love it.  I love every minute of wathing them interact.  There’s no better reward in life than seeing your kids do great.