Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘goals’

Whoo.

Taxes: filed

M’s glasses: ordered

Lost watching: in progress.

Jaja, I wish I could take a pic of Kbob right now.  He was talking my ear off a minute ago and right now that I turned to look  at him he’s fast asleep with his feet on my shoulder and his head hanging off the couch.  He’s a monkey even in his sleep.

Today was incredibly odd.  I spent the better part of two hours reading about deadly creatures of the sea and freaking myself out because who knows when I might one day decide to go scuba-diving and some colossal squid will be like “hmmm, there’s dinner” and drag me down to the abyss with its hooked tentacles and then whatever would everyone do without me around?!  I know!  The tragedy!!!  See people, it’s a good thing I worry about these things.

Seriously, would YOU want this thing swimming after you?!

Aren’t you glad I don’t post images on here often???

Anytwittles, I was in a “mood” for the rest of the day.  Not a bad mood, or a sad mood, but a “what the hell is wrong with me…ooo, shiny!, can we all go home now please?” mood.  Yeah, try explaining that one to your boss.  So it’s just easier to say “lady problems” and move it along and then all is well again.

I’ve decided that I’m going to delete my myspace.  I know, I’m totes late for the movement against “the man” or what not, but fashionably late.  I just need to get my new laptop, go through all my old blogs, save those, go through pics and save the ones I want to keep which I no longer have, and ohmyfkingoodness I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

See, I can organize things better than your average Susie Q.  As long as they are physical things.  Meaning I can touch them.  Files in a computer, though, drive me completely insane.  I don’t even download music because it’s a pain in my ass to organize it into folders that I can easily retrieve depending on my mood.  Can you imagine how I would do with five years worth of crap from a website that gave me my first outlet to the blogosphere???  No bueno.

So sometime, maybe, possibly, perhaps, I will brave my OCD demons and get rid of the whole damn thing and just leave it all behind because really, who wants to go back and reminisce about the dark times in their life?  Oh yeah, THIS drama queen does.

Well, my loves, this is enough rambling for one sitting considering I don’t even have a glass of wine in my hand (although one lovely lady offered to think of me while she downed hers so that has to count for something, right?).

So goodnight, lucid dreams, and as my buddy Normy says, beware of bedtime creatures.

Besos!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  THANK YOU to those of you who joined me on my Google Friend Connect.  I LOVES YOU!!!

That’s the poundage I’ve shred in the last week or so.  Color me content.  Actually, color me super happy.

And that’s not all.  The toning part of it all kicks major ass.  Jillian Michaels is not as much of a bitch as I thought she’d be, but then again I’m barely on Level 1.

I’ll add to this a big thanks to my platonic love for keeping me motivated, and no, don’t ask who he is because I’m not telling you, and yes, that includes you, bff.  Sorry.

And on top of all this, I’m kinda close to reaching my goal of 2 miles in 20 minutes on the treadmill.  I’m at 1.75 right now and the short term goal is 2m by mid-February,  and then 3m in 20 min by mid March.

I am determined to be beach ready with some killer legs and ass by Spring Break.

Other changes going on…no more drinking during weekdays.  This, I’m sure, is certainly helping me with the shredding of the excess poundage.

I just can’t even tell you how uber excited I am about everything right now.  It’s like I have a fresh outlook on everything.  I’m setting goals and making sure I reach them.

I’m just hoping to keep this momentum up once school starts and I’m glad I didn’t over schedule myself because this quarter brings a lot with it including M & Kbob’s karate lessons, M’s soccer league, Kbob possibly being in baseball, and school, school and more school.  Whew!

Anyhoozles…how in the hell have YOU been?!

Apparently my titles only consist of adjectives now.  How fitting.

First off, Happy 2010 to you all!

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am incapable of being happy or accepting things/people that are good for me.  I start to self-destruct and bring everything down around me.  That being said, I’m not unhappy.  I’m just…blah.

As 2009 came to a close and a new year approached with the promises of new beginnings and potential awesomeness, I realized that I’m not ready to share myself fully with someone.  It’s a sucky thing to realize, but one that makes things much more clearer.

I can’t say that I’m focused on something in particular right now as this whole last week has been lived in a sort of hyper-reality being that the kids have been gone and my mom has been out of town so it’s just been me and my friends and I know damn well that’s not my reality, but it has been a week of relaxing and thinking about absolutely nothing but the little things in life that I don’t get to enjoy everyday like sleeping in till 10 am, taking naps at random times and just getting up and going shopping for things for me.  Damn, that was a long sentence.

So in other words, this year has had a bittersweet start, but that’s a good thing.  I have a sense of self I hadn’t had in so long because I was looking for something that I didn’t really want and now that I’ve realized that I can move on and take things as they come.  That makes no sense because I can’t really put this feeling of weightlessness into words, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

In any case, I hope all of you find what you are looking for and reach your goals and have peace of mind in 2010.  A cluttered mind makes for a messy soul.

Love you guys…besos.

After spending the last five days at home, being at work seems like a harsh punishment for wanting material things in life.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where my life is, where it’s going and how it seems like I’ll never be where I want to be.

This semester has basically gone to shit. My GPA will drop. That’s a given. I’m completely out of the game and while I can still hope for one A and maybe two Bs, a C will be the inevitable outcome of the lab I’m taking. I don’t do Cs. Hell, I don’t do Bs either, but settling is what I have to do.
Yeah, I could have put more effort into it, devoted more time to studying rather than sleeping, but I’m fucking exhausted.

The options on how to solve this time/money/school crisis are not good ones:
a. Move back in with my mom and go to school full time. I JUST moved out. I’m not doing this to myself or to my kids.
b. Only do half-time at school for Spring. This will slow me down, yet again, and I’ll be further and further away from my degree.
c. Go to school full-time and get a part-time job. This makes sense, except for the money part. I can barely afford to live with my full-time “decently paid” job. How will I manage on less than half the pay?
d. Leave things as they are, get some good drugs and go full speed. This seems like the most reasonable one.

On top of all this, my kids need their extra-curricular activities back. M needs to get back in soccer. She misses it and it would be so beneficial to her health-wise and to release some pent up anger. Kbob needs something to keep him busy. He’s got way too much energy and needs a structured activity to release it.

Why can’t I have it easy like I see so many undeserving people do? I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I see so many women out there with guys who take care of them. Pay the bills while they go to school full-time and support and love kids that aren’t even theirs. Meanwhile I’m by myself, which is better than what I had while I was married anyway since I was basically by myself then too, but it’s fucking hard. It seems like I’ll never be at a place where I’m calm and stable.

I’ve chosen to go into the education field not only because I like it, but because it offers stability that other fields don’t. I get time off coinciding with my kids and that’s a HUGE deal to me. My mom was always there for vacation time and it meant the world to me; I want to be able to do the same with my kids. It just seems my kids will be grown and out of the house by the time I finally graduate.

And yeah, I’m lonely. There are days I wish I had someone there to just chill with and talk to, but that’s not important right now. I realize that, and while my focus sometimes shifts to this, it’s just the woman in me talking. I think I’ll save the rest of this for another day. I’ve dragged this out enough as it is.
Oh, Mondays…you kill me.

Not fully awake.  Barely focused.  Hungry as hell. 
Yeah, that’s me.
I went to bed early last night.  Out cold by 11 pm only to be awakened at 1 am by anxiety that stemmed from nowhere.
Still, I would say I got a great night’s sleep.
So why are these dark circles under my eyes?  Why does my brain feel only half wired?
Well, if I knew the answer you best believe I’d change it because dark circles on my light complexion do not a good look make.
 
I’ve been thinking lately, and it’s probably not a good thing.  Ha.  Anywhoozle.  This whole “timing” thing really blows. 
“The timing is off”
“We should have met a year ago”
“Our timing always sucks”
 
Bull.shit.  How about this:  It will never be the “right time”; perfect timing doesn’t happen.  You work with what you’ve got and you enjoy it till it’s gone. 
If someone doesn’t make time for you, then they’re not worth your time. 
End of story.
 
I refuse to put myself in another situation with a time frame. 
I know inevitably all realtionships come with an unspoken time frame, but when you know the limit on yours, it’s time to move on.
 
I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life.  I have a friend who is aching so badly to settle down.  She wants a husband and house and the whole nine yards and she wants it now. 
 
I don’t.  I’m not looking for the person who I’m going to “spend the rest of my life with” which is a concept I dont’ believe in anyway.  I’m 23, sure I have kids, but I have my whole life ahead of me. 

I’m enjoying this part of my life where I have to respond to no one.  Dating is apparently out of the question because, well, the timing is always off!  LMAO.  Excuse me while I laugh at that. 
I guess there’s something about knowing that every person you get involved with will eventually piss you off or you them and whatever was going on will spontaneously combust.  But that’s also a good thing. 

I don’t to have to worry about the “where is this going?” and the “will this eventually lead to a serious thing” type questions.  All I want to know is that someone cares enough and finds me awesome enough to want to hang out with me.  That someone respects me enough to tell me when they’re ready to move on.  Someone who can be comfortable with seeing me exclusively even though I can’t devote more than 10% of my time to them. 

I don’t know. I’ve done the marriage thing and while the situation wasn’t perfect, the concept was the same.  I’d rather not go through that again. 
You want eggs and pancakes in the morning?  You get your ass up and make them yourself.  Oh, and pick up your damn socks!  You’re not a molting snake, damnit!!!  (ha, constant arguments, child on the side and the one thing I choose to complain about is the socks? you gotta love me!!!)

 
So no, I don’t believe in this whole perfect timing bullshit.  People are always busy these days and you’ve gotta work with what you’ve got.  I, apparently, seem to attract or be attracted to (can’t decide on this yet) the guys who are ready to leave this place.  Move on to bigger and better things.  I’m taking that as a good thing for now because I’ll take one of those guys over one that sees no problem with living in Brownsville for the rest of their lives anyday.  I’ve got to respect ambition. 

But I will admit that it fucking sucks.  You meet someone you’re attracted to and they say all the right things, do all the right things, and you start liking them more and more everyday and them bam!  They’re moving.  And then comes the whole “this sucks, I hate it, you’re amazing, blah blah blah….” conversation that I’d really rather not have because it doesn’t serve a purpose.  I already know I’m amazing, you don’t need to tell me.  Yes, it does sucks, but you’re bettering yourself and you’re saying what you’re saying for my sake and I don’t apreciate it very much.  I’m leaving this place too; I’m just on a different time frame.