Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘friends’

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

Apparently my titles only consist of adjectives now.  How fitting.

First off, Happy 2010 to you all!

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am incapable of being happy or accepting things/people that are good for me.  I start to self-destruct and bring everything down around me.  That being said, I’m not unhappy.  I’m just…blah.

As 2009 came to a close and a new year approached with the promises of new beginnings and potential awesomeness, I realized that I’m not ready to share myself fully with someone.  It’s a sucky thing to realize, but one that makes things much more clearer.

I can’t say that I’m focused on something in particular right now as this whole last week has been lived in a sort of hyper-reality being that the kids have been gone and my mom has been out of town so it’s just been me and my friends and I know damn well that’s not my reality, but it has been a week of relaxing and thinking about absolutely nothing but the little things in life that I don’t get to enjoy everyday like sleeping in till 10 am, taking naps at random times and just getting up and going shopping for things for me.  Damn, that was a long sentence.

So in other words, this year has had a bittersweet start, but that’s a good thing.  I have a sense of self I hadn’t had in so long because I was looking for something that I didn’t really want and now that I’ve realized that I can move on and take things as they come.  That makes no sense because I can’t really put this feeling of weightlessness into words, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

In any case, I hope all of you find what you are looking for and reach your goals and have peace of mind in 2010.  A cluttered mind makes for a messy soul.

Love you guys…besos.

Because bullet points make me smile…

• I need to find an outfit to wear on Saturday.  Every single piece of clothing I own has been played out.  If you’re my friend on FB, you’ve seen them all.  Plus I need cute winter clothes that can be dressed up for a night out, or played down and office appropriate.  I JUST NEED TO SHOP.  PERIOD.
• This month is still killing me financially.  I keep telling myself it will be ok.  I’m breaking down the budget accordingly. 
• This brings me to my next point:
  • I’ve had some people wonder how I bitch about my finances and still manage to go out “all the damn time”.  To those people I simply say this:  I have amazing party buddies.  End of story. 
• TABLE.  That’s all I have to say about that.    well, maybe an lmfao for good measure.
• I cannot WAIT for the end of this week to be here.  All my finals will be over and done with and this semester of procrastination will come to an end.  The S.O.D. will be put into retirement and while Spring will be looming right around the corner, it brings promises of A’s with it.
• There’s something that I’ve been dying to share with you guys…I’ve almost blogged about it, but don’t want to get ahead of myself so I’ve kept mum.  I’m still cringing from not being able to just blurt it out!
• I hadn’t realized how really incredibly happy making lists make me.   Everything is all nice and neat and organized.  I love it.

I’ll leave you with this tale of embarrassment from last night:

I’m suffering from “working out on a Monday” allergies so when I got to my mom’s at around 7ish, I asked her for an allergy pill.  She gave me some generic crap and made sure I only took ONE tiny little pill.  Fast forward to dinner with the BFF & her BF…I was LOOPY.  I couldn’t shut up.  I tried, but I couldn’t.  And I was LOUD!  Like, ten times louder than usual.  I managed to freak out a bus boy by yelling at Ricky Bobby for insinuating that he was bored.  But, the coup de gras came when we (finally) got our tab…see, we needed to split it…and the waiter boy (who looked like a Jonas brother and NOT a flat faced dog as RB put it) says “I can split it for you, just tell me how you want it” *cue school- girl-with-a-crush-med-induced-giggles here*  I could.not.stop.giggling.  I turned beet red.  I hadn’t had one of those moments since I was, well, in middle school.  Oh well, I guess it’s one of those “you had to be there” kind of things.  “how do you want it?”  hehehehehe….I can think of a couple of ways!  I’m such a perv!

I want:

• milk
• cookies
• better-than-sex cake
• a glass or two of wine
• a deli sandwich with turkey pastrami, guenoa salami & jalapeno jack cheese
• an ice cold coke (almost frozen to slushy-like consistency)
• a dos xx michelada
• these kids to go to sleep and get up out my face
• a droid phone
• a mani/pedi/massage
• an all about me day
• to go shopping for new lingerie
• for this semester to be done with
• to dissapear for a day or two

I’m obviously hormonal and this bitch of a day hasn’t helped.  Mother Nature can suck it.

There are very few people left on my “I don’t hate your face right now” list.  I’ve been on the war path all day so if I’m still talking/texting/emailing you, consider yourself special because even the bff and the fam caught my bitch-assness today.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll level out because Mother Dear has decided to make me take the kids to the carnival and come with.  That should be interesting.  Thank goodness for happy pills.

I’ve been by myself since last Sunday.  That’s seven days all to myself, kid-free, to do whatever I want.  You know what I did?  A whole lotta nothing.

I mean, yes, there was partying.  A lot of fun times were had.  But I think I’ve come to realize that I’m seriously over it.  And yes, I’ve said that before, but I’m so over it right now it’s not even funny.

I want to stay in and chill at home, go to the movies, make it blockbuster night.  I’ve been doing all that, but by myself.

I need to expand my circle of friends.  Get a movie buddy.  Something.

I’m tired of the same old fking thing.

I guess I need to be more social or something, but I doubt that would help.  I’m great at making acquaintances, friends…not so much.  And then there’s the whole “I’m rarely available” thing that I’ve got going on.  Kinda sucks.

But anyway, moving on…

I can’t even think of anything else to say because every thought is being interrupted by the cows that moved in upstairs.  I swear they fucking do laps around their apartment.  The old neighbors made noise, yes, but it wasn’t this bad.  These people must weigh about 300 lbs and walk around in those chunky 90s heels while dragging around a piece of furniture tied together with chains.  You do NOT drag furniture around when you have tile floors.  Not only does it damage the floors, but it makes your neighbors’ ears bleed and want to murder you in your sleep with said piece of furniture.

Gah.

I think I’m gonna go buy another stud for my lip and watch Zombieland.

In other news, I want another piercing.  Bad.

Hola peoples!

I’ve been M.I.A. for some time now so I thought I’d drop in and give you a little update.  

Ms. Jamie over at Show & Tell made this absolutely fab theme for me and I am copletely in love with it!  It’s so…me!  

I’ve been all over the place lately getting all my stuff squared away and penciled into the S.O.D. (schedule of death in case you forgot).  

So far I think this semester will go by ok.  One of my professors is totally adorable and I seem to hang on every word he says which might come in handy once test time rolls around.  The other two, well, one seems brilliant and the other not so much.  Flaunting your “multiple” Master’s and PhD in less than ten minutes and then failing to figure out how to operate the overhead?  Not impressive.

Most of my time this week will be spent stressing out over my birthday (which is this Saturday, btw!!!).  Plans to go to Austin seem to have been foiled and while I keep saying I don’t want to make a big deal of it, my friends know me better than that.  It HAS to be an event!  I’m talking sexy dress, killer heels and rock star makeup a la It’s Unbeweavable! style.  Check out her page, it’s fab!

So you see, this week my self-centeredness is justified.  It’s all about me.

Like Beyonce said…”I’ve got every reason to feel like I’m that bitch” …such a HUGE EGO baby!

Besos!

Today is the beginning of the schedule of death.  Starting today I will have my head so far up life’s ass that I will lose myself in my own delusional reality just to escape for seconds at a time.  And you, my friend, get to read aaaall about it.

Because of the S.O.D. I will have to schedule time to spend with kids, family and friends.  My OCD persona likes this.  My “live life this moment” one does not.

Eh, I’ll manage.  Just 3 days of waking up at 6 am and going to bed at midnight with work, school, homework, kids, projects, working out and life all packed into 72 short hours. 

Someone hand me the xanax, plsnthnx.

Hey, who knows, maybe I’ll be so busy I’ll forget to eat and drop a few lbs as a result!  I wouldn’t be too mad about that.  Oh wait, yes I would because none of my damn pants fit me the way I like anymore!!!  I don’t do “loose fit”.  Damnit, I want my ass back and I want it NOW!

 Anyway, I had like a ton of stuff to ramble on but my head is spinning out webs of schedules and spreadsheets and budgets so I can’t really focus it all and get it out quickly enough to make sense of it. 

I can smell cigarette smoke in my office and it’s making me crave one but I’m beggining to get a headache and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.

Aaaaaanyway.

My page is getting a fabulous makeover thanks to the fabulous Jamie.  If I wasn’t a WordPress rehtahrd I’d totally link her but I don’t know how to so just click on the button to your right.  Do it. 

Oh, and I have a nice little TMI story for you coming on Thursday courtesy of my partner in crime.  (sherapedaboyandhelikedit) and not boy as in “underage”, boy as in “I refer to all potential guys of interest as boys because that’s how we roll” so leave your judgments at the red x. kthxbai.

Ok peoples, back to the grind I go.  Wish me luck or at least to not die the death of a thousand post-its.

Besitos!

Whoa.

That is the overall sentiment regarding last night.

A few highlights…showing someone a picture of another someone’s torso and it being recognized. I’m cutting my losses short here (again) and not bothering with it anymore.

I have got to stay away from…damnit, I can’t even say keywords, nicknames or give context clues without giving myself away here.

I’m pretty sure I grabbed my ex’s girlfriend when she walked in last night and said “Hey, ma!” very loudly. He looked annoyed. Oh wells.

I danced. Oh.my.gawd. did I dance. And then I stumbledanced to techno. I wonder if I can coin that term. Or if I would even want to…

My phonebook is trouble.

I need coffee in an IV drip. Preferably Flavia’s Intense Dark Roast.

Anything and everything I say after midnight cannot and will not be held against me. This includes texts, emails, phone calls, personal conversations and telepathic glances. The midnight stipulation is null and void if I’ve had more than three shots before midnight at which point the rule applies then and there. I guess I should also include myspace, facebook and twitter communication in here as well.

Ok, now that I’ve had my coffee and I’m eating an Oreo cookie I can go on a proper mini-rant and toot my own horn a bit in the process:

I’m fucking awesome. I know I have my quirks and I’m a bit neurotic at times, but I’m a good person, damnit. Yes, I may be stuck up, but if it weren’t for the narcissist in me I’d crumble at my own insecurities. I’m loud, but not obnoxiously loud. I’m a sweetheart. I really am. I like to make people happy. I’m a people pleaser, sometimes to a fault, and sometimes to my own advantage, but I can’t help it if I want people to like me. I’m pretty. I may not have a perfect body, but I’m pretty fucking hot. I’m a dance machine. I have a bright future ahead of me. I’m not as responsible as I’d like to be, but I’m doing a pretty damn good job with what I have. I call when I say I will and I always return texts. I feel like I should end this with “I like to go for long walks on the beach” (which I do, btw) But seriously guys, I had to write this so I don’t feel insignificant and undeserving. I feel like I should be back in middle school yelling “Why doesn’t he like meeeeeee?!” to my best friend. It’s stupid and fucking ridiculous and this is why it’s reserved to be written on my blog instead of shouted at the top of my lungs.

Ok…/ pitty-party rant.

The smell hit her as soon as she entered the room; stale cigarettes and cheap beer were staples in his life as of late.  He sat on the couch going through his phone, not exactly sure what he was looking for.

The latest one had left him and there they were again, ten years later, in the same situation.  They spoke not a word.  They didn’t have to.  Over the years of arguing and screaming and using words as their poison of choice they had learned that peace and love was kept best in silence.

He noticed her shortly after she had walked in.  Her presence had always commanded attention in the most subtle of ways.  His gaze fixed on her and for all the relief and gratefulness he felt, he couldn’t even bring himself to smile, but his eyes said it all.  They always had.

They walked down the hallway towards her car.  She had made him clean himself up a bit before walking out the door.  That was one of the things she missed the most about him.  His arrogance and pride had always kept looking him clean. 

He was broken now.  He was broken and she couldn’t fix him. Not this time.  No, this time it was different.  He had given himself in.  Given up the others who gave him what he wanted, the ones who took care of him and supported his lifestyle.  The ones who could pick him up from this mess financially.  Now they were gone and so was the one he ran them all off for.

The one he never gave up sat next to him now, comforting him like only she knew how.  They had put each other through hell.  They had been through it all and to this day remained the only constant in each other’s lives. 

He was there through her bad decisions and she was there through his self-destruction phases.  As sick as it was, they had once both found delight in the other’s pain.  But as the years passed by and they grew further away from the destructive and painful past they once shared, they had come to learn to appreciate and value one another.

It was always understood from the moment their paths crossed again that nothing could ever come from that fateful meeting other than a twisted quid pro quo friendship.  Sure, the sexual tension was always there.  But they knew entirely too much about one another and that knowledge crushed whatever desires attempted to build up inside them.  This was nothing more than two people who had bared their souls and put their pride on the line in an effort to have what everyone longs for.  A soul mate. 

You see, to them a soul mate wasn’t in the form of a relationship linked partner.  No, a soul mate was one who knew them inside and out, the good and the bad, the pure and the evil.  One who knew how to heal wounds with a look and an embrace without judgment spoken, although it was constantly there.  They were soul mates, walking the earth in search of something they knew didn’t exist, but incessantly looking for it either way.

It was this mutual understanding that allowed them to remain functional human beings…