Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

I want to be able to get back to the point where words flowed freely from my fingers without second thought to syntax, grammar or spelling.  I want to be able to type out my feelings without going back and reading over them to make sure I typed what I really wanted to say. 

There was a time when my emotions poured out through my hands on the keyboard.  When I had no friends, when I had no other outlets, writing is the one thing that got me through.  It was raw, it was unfiltered, it was freeing.  It was me.<

The one who will talk your ear off about how amazing and smart her kids are.  The one you don’t want to bring up kids in the conversation because she will find a way to bring hers up.  The one you wish would just shut the hell up about little Stacy and Bobby and their accomplishments.

But you know what?  I don’t care!!!!!!!!!

It makes me incredibly happy to know how cool my kids are.  My daughter has straight A’s.  She loves learning new things, she’s good at sports and she’s just overall a cool kid.  She’s been top of her class since Kinder and she just continues to excel.

I went to my son’s open house last night.  He’s 4 and in pre-k.  The teacher told me she wants to bump him up to Kinder because he already knows the stuff she’s covering and she doesn’t want to hold him back.  I just can’t even begin to explain how proud that makes me feel.

I want my kids to have the opportunity to be cultured.  I want them to have everything they need to explore different things and learn what they want to learn.  That’s why I’m back in school, to give them the opportunity my mom gave me.

Needless to say, I squandered it with a douchebag, but if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t be here writing about how amazing my kids are, so no regrets.  I just want to make sure they don’t do the same.

Sometimes I think M is too smart and mature for her own good.  I want her to enjoy her childhood and not try to be all grown up.  I don’t want her to end up like me and have to learn the lessons the hard way.  I want her to be able to seize every opportunity that comes her way if she wants to.  She’s my strength.  My princess.

And my Kbob.  My sweet, innocent little boy.  He’s my baby.  My heart.  I want him to enjoy being a little boy.  The rough playing, the sports, whatever he wants to do.  I knew I couldn’t expect him to read at 3 like M did.  Or to be potty trained at 1 like she was, boys and girls develop at different stages.  But it’s amazing to see that hé does great at the things she struggled with.  Different types of intelligence.  Multiple Intelligence presenting itself right before my eyes.

I love it.  I love every minute of wathing them interact.  There’s no better reward in life than seeing your kids do great.