Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘defeat’

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

I’m <this> close to throwing in the towel.  I’ve had it.

I can’t even find the words to properly describe my frustration with my life lately.  I want help.  I want my kids’ dad to fking step up and take care of shit.  Take the kids away from me every once in a while.  I can’t do this.  I’m losing my g-d mind.  Homework, projects, daycare, clothes, meals, mommy, mommy, mommy.  It’s never ending.  Yes, I’m frustrated.  And fk whoever thinks I’m a weaker person for admitting it.  I WILL get through this and I WILL come out shining and the project WILL be kick ass and I’ll figure out my finances, but DAMNIT, I can rant about it in the process because getting it out is the only thing that will keep me sane.

I’m walking out of the library, frustrated because it’s late, it’s cold, it’s raining and I don’t have cash to pay for the print-outs and they don’t take debit cards.  The circles under my eyes are big and dark because I’ve stayed up late the past few couple of days.  I’m exhausted and it shows.  I looked cute all day, but at that moment when I’m walking out, I feel the hell of the last couple of days weighing me down.  And who do I see as I’m walking out?  Of course it’s him and his girlfriend.  Looking as merry as ever, with NO FKING KIDS.   No, her kids are who knows where and he can’t take care of his/mine because of some lame ass excuse or another.  WHY???

A great friend of mine hit me with reality this morning.  I was wondering to myself, and to him on gchat as well I suppose, “Why would a guy NOT want to date me?”  Yes, it was a moment of self-absorption, but my friend was quick to burst it.  You have BAGGAGE.  An ex who isn’t worth the air that he breathes, no degree, and two kids.  It will take a strong man to want to take on raising two kids that aren’t his.  SAY WHA?!  I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way.  Maybe because I’m not looking for a baby daddy replacement, or a husband, or anything more than a companion at this point.  My kids don’t need a dad.  They have one.  And financial matters aside, a great one at that.  Yes, contradiction is my strong point.  But fuck.  I’m tired of being lonely.  I’m tired of not having someone there to share MY life with.  Maybe not every aspect, but most of it.

-Maybe- I need to stay away from emotionally unavailable men.  Maybe I need to stay away from men altogether.  But c’mon, how many times have you heard me say that???

But this is what I do.  I let everything build up, get frustrated as fuck, let it all out, and then everything is right again.  This is how I manage to function.  It’s a scary thought.  All my breakdowns are neatly chronicled in a web page accessible for the world to see.  But at the same time, it’s a bit freeing.  Maybe, I just need to write more.

And thank you to the person who inspired the title to this post.  I hope my crazy streak hasn’t scared you off too much.

The blinding headaches, the tension building up in my shoulders, the sleepless nights…that the hell is wrong with me?!

The days start out fine…then all of a sudden…bang…the depression creeps like smoke through the vents…it slowly consumes me and I’m left with an emptiness inside that nothing can fill.  It’s not that I’m not thankful for what I have.  I am.  I know I’m blessed with everything I’ve been given and that’s why I don’t understand why this is happening to me.

I shouldn’t feel this way.  I should be happy and smiling and fulfilled.  But I’m not.  I’m sad.  I’m angry.  I feel defeated. 

It gets so bad that I can barely function.  My back and shoulders hurt so much that it’s hard to even walk.  The pain in my head makes it impossible to concentrate on anything else but this feeling of doom.  I try to snap out of it but it’s like the rubberband breaks and hits me square on my temples. 

I haven’t had a regular period all year.  I haven’t had one at all in two months.  I’m not pregnant.  I’m just stressed.  And why?  I don’t even know. 

I won’t let this consume me.  I won’t let it beat me.  But please, just please make it go away.

Will It Help?

Always.  Like clockwork.  An awesome day HAS to be followed by a crummy one. 

I felt it when I woke up.  I didn’t sleep more than four hours last night.  Something kept waking me up.  What it was?  I don’t know.  I had anxiety.  Bad.  Finally at 5 it was the last straw…no use in going back to sleep.  The headache hit immediately.  It always does when I don’t sleep well.  It sucks.

The kids didn’t want to wake up either.  Dragging an 8 yeard old out of the top bunkbed is not fun.  Plus KBob is recovering from eye and refuses to open his eyes before I turn the lights back off. 

I was hella busy this morning.  Running up and down trying to plan a luncheon for my coworker while translating procedures into Spanish and hiding from my overly emotional boss.  But I thought “It’s ok, you leave at 2 to go do your teacher observations”.  WRONG.

The Dean informed that I have to tell them a day prior.  That’s nice, consiering when I called Monday you told me I could just show up.  And now I have a paper due that is going to be a day late because I was misinformed.  Fuck.  There goes 25 points, no A for me today.

So now I’m thinking my paper is late, I still have to leave early because my car needs an oil change which means that tomorrow’s half day off is reeeeeally going to hurt my paycheck and I have a headache and I have to listen to my boss whine about why my coworker shouldn’t leave while keeping my mouth shut so as not to scream at him and tell him it’s his damn fault and I have to keep going till 10 PM tonight.  When will I ever have time to watch Ms. Pettigrew Lives For a Day????????????/

Can I take a nap????????