Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘crazy’

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

Whoo.

Taxes: filed

M’s glasses: ordered

Lost watching: in progress.

Jaja, I wish I could take a pic of Kbob right now.  He was talking my ear off a minute ago and right now that I turned to look  at him he’s fast asleep with his feet on my shoulder and his head hanging off the couch.  He’s a monkey even in his sleep.

Today was incredibly odd.  I spent the better part of two hours reading about deadly creatures of the sea and freaking myself out because who knows when I might one day decide to go scuba-diving and some colossal squid will be like “hmmm, there’s dinner” and drag me down to the abyss with its hooked tentacles and then whatever would everyone do without me around?!  I know!  The tragedy!!!  See people, it’s a good thing I worry about these things.

Seriously, would YOU want this thing swimming after you?!

Aren’t you glad I don’t post images on here often???

Anytwittles, I was in a “mood” for the rest of the day.  Not a bad mood, or a sad mood, but a “what the hell is wrong with me…ooo, shiny!, can we all go home now please?” mood.  Yeah, try explaining that one to your boss.  So it’s just easier to say “lady problems” and move it along and then all is well again.

I’ve decided that I’m going to delete my myspace.  I know, I’m totes late for the movement against “the man” or what not, but fashionably late.  I just need to get my new laptop, go through all my old blogs, save those, go through pics and save the ones I want to keep which I no longer have, and ohmyfkingoodness I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

See, I can organize things better than your average Susie Q.  As long as they are physical things.  Meaning I can touch them.  Files in a computer, though, drive me completely insane.  I don’t even download music because it’s a pain in my ass to organize it into folders that I can easily retrieve depending on my mood.  Can you imagine how I would do with five years worth of crap from a website that gave me my first outlet to the blogosphere???  No bueno.

So sometime, maybe, possibly, perhaps, I will brave my OCD demons and get rid of the whole damn thing and just leave it all behind because really, who wants to go back and reminisce about the dark times in their life?  Oh yeah, THIS drama queen does.

Well, my loves, this is enough rambling for one sitting considering I don’t even have a glass of wine in my hand (although one lovely lady offered to think of me while she downed hers so that has to count for something, right?).

So goodnight, lucid dreams, and as my buddy Normy says, beware of bedtime creatures.

Besos!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  THANK YOU to those of you who joined me on my Google Friend Connect.  I LOVES YOU!!!

I should be incredibly happy right now.  I had an amazing time on my birthday, my belief that I have amazing friends was reaffirmed, and everything went off without a hitch.

Apparently though, I don’t do happy.

I’m shaky and mopey and everything makes me want to cry/punch things.  I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow; I don’t want to go to class.  I don’t want to leave my house.  I want to sit here on this couch and let life pass me by.  I don’t want to work on projects.  I don’t want to watch TV.  I don’t want to bake cookies.  I don’t even want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I’m sad and lonely and pathetic and I hate it because I don’t get it.  I really should be incredibly happy.

So because of I need a much needed attitude adjustment, the birthday blog recap will have to wait.  I don’t want to fuck up my memories of the day with depressing bullshit.

I hope you all are having an awesome Labor Day and enjoying the hell out of it.

Besos.

This weekend = insanity.

I did sooo much shopping and none of it was enjoyable.  School supplies, uniforms and more school supplies. 

Oh, and new tennis for Kbob and some new padded, yes, padded bras for M.  That girl needs to quit growing.  End of story.

My living room looked like a herd of crazy cows had trampled through an Office Depot.  My OCD was in overdrive trying to get all the supplies labeled, organized and packed but we finished in under two hours which is not bad considering we snuck a last minute trip to Wal-Mart in there in search for non-existant red pens.

So in summary, the kids were dropped off at school this morning, lockers were organized and teachers were greeted.  I cannot wait to pick them up and hear all about their first day. 

In other news, I am happy to say that I am surrounded by the most amazing, caring, selfless, kind people I’ve met in a long time.  My circle of friends is great one.  Something happened this weekend that really made me realize that there are still good people out there who will not think twice about helping a friend out.  Humanity is not lost entirely.

I am sooo looking forward to the end of the workday, picking up my kiddos, and then I’m going to get a well-deserved mani/pedi, buy my books for school and sneak in a bit of shopping for myself.  Can.not.wait.

How was your weekend?

Stage 1 was knowing it was something, yet refusing to admit it because that would mean putting the shield down and acknowledging that the potential of getting hurt was there.

Stage 2 was analyzing. Anything and everything that was said, done, texted, emailed, acted out, facially expressed, gestured, etc…was played out in my head a billion times and the possibilities of what it could have meant were made into mental lists with possible outcomes and causes. Every text message sent, every phone call made on my part were thoroughly examined and thought out before being carried out. Make sure you don’t sound to eager/clingy/available but at the same time don’t sound standoffish/rude/unavailable.

Stage 3 is mental bubbles. They resemble pop-up ads in their random content and unpredictable timing. I might be watching tv and I get a “romantic flick advertisement” bubble which will cause my face to contort into a state of frustration/stress/confusion and utter out the dreaded “I miss…” phrase. I might be at work working on a report and “triple xxx movies – get yours now” decides to creep up and take over my mind before I can click the little red x at the top. And then it’s the “call…wait, don’t, text instead…but not yet, it’s too early…oooo, happy pills half off!…ok, just wait for a call/text and then go from there…but you said you would call, then maybe you shoudl so you’re not a flake and oh…fuckmylife I’m back at stage 2…someone gimme a minderaser…”

Confused yet? Bored? Freaked out? Thinking how stupid and exhausting this process is? Yeah, me too. I just want to get to Stage 4: Letting go.

Stage 4 never gets fully reached though because while I may let go and call whenever I feel like it without thinking twice and stop thinking about what that sweet message actually meant, I will be holding on to the fact that in less than three months it will all be over. Yeah. Unavoidable. But I knew. And I chose to let go anyway. And you know what, it feels great.

Stage 1 was knowing it was something, yet refusing to admit it because that would mean putting the shield down and acknowledging that the potential of getting hurt was there.

Stage 2 was analyzing. Anything and everything that was said, done, texted, emailed, acted out, facially expressed, gestured, etc…was played out in my head a billion times and the possibilities of what it could have meant were made into mental lists with possible outcomes and causes. Every text message sent, every phone call made on my part were thoroughly examined and thought out before being carried out. Make sure you don’t sound to eager/clingy/available but at the same time don’t sound standoffish/rude/unavailable.

Stage 3 is mental bubbles. They resemble pop-up ads in their random content and unpredictable timing. I might be watching tv and I get a “romantic flick advertisement” bubble which will cause my face to contort into a state of frustration/stress/confusion and utter out the dreaded “I miss…” phrase. I might be at work working on a report and “triple xxx movies – get yours now” decides to creep up and take over my mind before I can click the little red x at the top. And then it’s the “call…wait, don’t, text instead…but not yet, it’s too early…oooo, happy pills half off!…ok, just wait for a call/text and then go from there…but you said you would call, then maybe you shoudl so you’re not a flake and oh…fuckmylife I’m back at stage 2…someone gimme a minderaser…”

Confused yet? Bored? Freaked out? Thinking how stupid and exhausting this process is? Yeah, me too. I just want to get to Stage 4: Letting go.

Stage 4 never gets fully reached though because while I may let go and call whenever I feel like it without thinking twice and stop thinking about what that sweet message actually meant, I will be holding on to the fact that in less than three months it will all be over. Yeah. Unavoidable. But I knew. And I chose to let go anyway. And you know what, it feels great.

Hola!

How was your weekend?  Mine was fun and family-packed.  I decided Saturday to take the kids to the park instead of Sunday because we had plans to go to the movies.  My kids are monkeys.  Seriously.  I was checking around for a spot to sit when I look up and see Kbob clibing on top of the monkey bars.  I was mortified he would fall, but he just climbed all the way to the end and slid down one of the posts.  Meanwhile, M was doing flips on the hand bars.  That girl is too damn big to be hanging upside down on those things…I swear they’re made for kids under 3′ tall.  Then they decided they wanted me to play tag with them.  Eh, what the hell, right?  Yeah, I was the only adult running around trying to tag my kids.  Fun times.  The highlight of the day “MOM!  stop running!  your boobs jiggle when you run like that!”  yeah, poor M.  Next time I need to remember to wear a sports bra and a t-shirt.  I wasn’t prepared for running that much.

Sunday was High School Musical 3 day.  Fun times.  Ha.  The movie was corny, but the staging and choreography was amazing.  It was a really good movie.  M loved it and Kbob was a good sport and sat through it all.  He was a bit dissapointed that his crush, Selena Gomez, was not in the movie, but he kept making fun of Ashley Tisdale’s Sharpay.  Then we walked around the mall looking for jewelry until M decided she was hungry and wanted some Jason’s Deli.  I love that place and I’m glad they do too because I’ve just been saying no to fast food and Texas Roadhouse was getting expensive.

In other news…I found out that typical Mexican men don’t like being called “typical Mexican men”.  Who woulda thunk?!  Another one bit the dust.  Sorry honey, but I have a voice, an opinion, and you will hear it if I think you’re being an ass.  You will also hear it if I think you said or did something innapropriate.  And if your shauvenistic ass can’t take a woman who puts you in your place, then I’m sorry.  Again, I will say it, you’re a typical Mexican man.  And in this lovely place we call the valley, we’re innundated with them.  Fin. 

Well, that was some funny shit.  Bring it on.

I fucking hate you.  I hate the way you make me feel.  I hate that I don’t fucking understand why.  I used to matter.  You used to care.  I was more than just a random visit and a good time.  I guess it’s all changed.  I still have the fucking bullshit texts you sent me.  “I love you mami” “How’s my baby doing today?” “have an aamazing day because an amazing person like you deserves nothing less”  Yeah, where the fuck is all of that now?  Gone.  Poof.  Dissapeared.  WTF???  Why?  I just don’t fucking get it.  I guess it’s my bad for actually making an effort this time.  Oh fucking well, I got mine anyway so fuck you.

Ok, got that outta my system.  This weekend was freaking amazing!!!!!!!  Road trip with the girlies to Austin.  Partying, sight seeing and hilarity ensued.  I might do a blog, or I might decide to just keep all the fun times to myself…not sure yet.

On a side note, I’m incredibly crazy!  I’m craving a feeling of superiority.  I want to reject you.  I want to make you feel like dirt and then pick you back up to the pedestal that you were once on only to drop you back off again once you’ve reached your high.

No people, I haven’t lost it…I’m just hormonal.   hahahahahha, that’s what we all say, huh?

I’m buying a punching bag.  Yep.  I sure am. 

My mind works in a very weird way.  On my usual drive to work in the morning I drown out my thoughts with the sounds blasting through the speakers.  Today was not one of those days.

Today my mind was whirlwinding.  I felt like a tornado was about to form so I started to do a mental checklist to get it in order.  I’m anal like that.  Lists for everything.  The lists then get transfered to post-its which get plastered to the lining in my purse, the notebook I carry everywhere, or the back of my phone.

Post Its Make my world go ’round…seriously.

So on my list this morning went:
-Schedule M’s appointment with eye Dr.
-Find mechanic for oxygen sensor/brake pads
-Get oil changed on car
-Find blue thingamagig to remove paint chips from winshield (if any of you know what it’s called, please tell me)
-Find an activity to reduce stress and exercise to temporarily replace jogging
-Find an activity to replace wanting to punch him in the face everytime he calls

And then…I literally heard the “ding ding ding” of a boxing bell!  A punching bag?  Why yes, that would be exerciseful (my word, back off), it would relieve stress and keep me from punching someone!!!!! 

So I found the one you saw up there at Academy for under $40 and I can hang it up in the garage and punch my way to toned arms and thighs.  Yeeeeeyaaaaaaah!

In other news, I have that dreaded presentation today.  In 38 minutes to be exact.  Wish me luck.