Neurotic Ramblings

Posts Tagged ‘career’

After spending the last five days at home, being at work seems like a harsh punishment for wanting material things in life.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where my life is, where it’s going and how it seems like I’ll never be where I want to be.

This semester has basically gone to shit. My GPA will drop. That’s a given. I’m completely out of the game and while I can still hope for one A and maybe two Bs, a C will be the inevitable outcome of the lab I’m taking. I don’t do Cs. Hell, I don’t do Bs either, but settling is what I have to do.
Yeah, I could have put more effort into it, devoted more time to studying rather than sleeping, but I’m fucking exhausted.

The options on how to solve this time/money/school crisis are not good ones:
a. Move back in with my mom and go to school full time. I JUST moved out. I’m not doing this to myself or to my kids.
b. Only do half-time at school for Spring. This will slow me down, yet again, and I’ll be further and further away from my degree.
c. Go to school full-time and get a part-time job. This makes sense, except for the money part. I can barely afford to live with my full-time “decently paid” job. How will I manage on less than half the pay?
d. Leave things as they are, get some good drugs and go full speed. This seems like the most reasonable one.

On top of all this, my kids need their extra-curricular activities back. M needs to get back in soccer. She misses it and it would be so beneficial to her health-wise and to release some pent up anger. Kbob needs something to keep him busy. He’s got way too much energy and needs a structured activity to release it.

Why can’t I have it easy like I see so many undeserving people do? I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I see so many women out there with guys who take care of them. Pay the bills while they go to school full-time and support and love kids that aren’t even theirs. Meanwhile I’m by myself, which is better than what I had while I was married anyway since I was basically by myself then too, but it’s fucking hard. It seems like I’ll never be at a place where I’m calm and stable.

I’ve chosen to go into the education field not only because I like it, but because it offers stability that other fields don’t. I get time off coinciding with my kids and that’s a HUGE deal to me. My mom was always there for vacation time and it meant the world to me; I want to be able to do the same with my kids. It just seems my kids will be grown and out of the house by the time I finally graduate.

And yeah, I’m lonely. There are days I wish I had someone there to just chill with and talk to, but that’s not important right now. I realize that, and while my focus sometimes shifts to this, it’s just the woman in me talking. I think I’ll save the rest of this for another day. I’ve dragged this out enough as it is.
Oh, Mondays…you kill me.

Today’s blog is on the main page…go check it out and tell me about your passions!

http://thepqnation.com/blog/2009/03/pecosas-passion/

Buenos Dias.

Is it really Monday again?  Uhg.  I’m soooore.  M had a 1k race yesterday morning (at 8 am no less) and Kbob refused to walk.  He was tired so I carried him almost the whole time.  Ouch.   But she did really well, finished top 20 from a group of 200 ages 5-50.  Not bad for my little girl.

Ask me what I bought from my list…yeah, just one item.  The carrying case.  And it’s not even a carrying case, it’s a sleeve.  I’m broke as folk right now. 

On that note, I’m really debating keeping this job.  I mean, it stresses me out, overworks me and I get paid diddlysquat.  It really sucks.  I should be going to school full-time.  But then again, I like money and I’m not sure if I’m ready to give that up just yet.  Ugh, decisions. 

I’ve been having really weird dreams lately.  Like not freaky ones, just weird ones.  And I’m lucid.  I can control them.  It freaks me out.  I don’t know how to interpret that.  I’ve already had my share of ghosts and paranormal stuff happen to me and right now it’s not something I want to deal with.  It’s exhausting.  I thought I had finally gotten rid of whatever demons and spirits were around and now this.  Ugh.

Anyway, how was your weekend?