Neurotic Ramblings

Archive for the ‘TMIT’ Category

Ok, I’ve drowned Debbie Downer in a wine glass full of pinot and I’m ready to share some TMI that I was victim of a couple of weeks ago…

My partner in crime and I had loads of sun this spring/summer.  There was lots of  partying, lots of alcohol, and lots of boys.  Well not a LOT of boys, but enough for us to not get lonely as the seasons changed…

Anytwat…I was at work behaving like the good girl that I am (read: I was bummed that I couldn’t go out that night) when this text pops up on my cell:

PC (partner in crime) “Come get me, I’m at ____.  Bring a brush.”

Me: “OMG…what, I mean WHO, did you do?”

PC: “Just come get me, I’ll tell you when you get here”

So I hop in my car and head home from work to grab a brush for my friend in need.  I may or may not have also slipped on some higher heels just in case we went out for happy hour, but that’s besides the point…

I get to (insert hotel name here) and let her know I’m there and wait…and wait…and wait some more.  The suspense is killing me at this point because damnit, I want to know what happened!!!

I’m looking in the rearview and I see her walk out and then…ZOMG!  JAILBAIT!!!

“OH.MAI.GAWD, PC, what did you DO?! lmfao!”

“Just drive!  I’ll tell you right now…”

In the process of picking a gossip spot, Jailbait calls her and somehow or another he ended up tagging along.  I guess I should tell you who Jailbait is…he’s PC’s 18 year old, well 19 as of that day, coworker who just so happens to be in L**E with her.

We get to the restaurant, order our drinks and then she proceeds to make HIM tell ME what went down the night before.

His answer? “She raped me!!!”

I swear I tried not laugh/choke on my pina colada…but I just couldn’t help myself!

He then goes on and fills me in on the rest of the details which included his party favors, drinks, PC grinding on him on the dance floor and then just bolting and then somehow ending back up with him, and explicit details on how my  friend ended up being a man eater and taking advantage of a poor, unsuspecting 19 year old.  This eventually led to whether or not a guy can be raped by a chick if he’s drugged because how’s it going to stand at attention if it’s asleep???

This entire time PC is sitting across from me eating the hell out of her shrimp quesadillas and sipping on her drink as if this were the usual for a Thursday evening convo.  Gotta love her!

I have an awesome TMI coming up for you guys…you will not believe the shit that happened to me last Halloween!!

As always, for the Queen of TMI & more hilarious stories, make sure you click here!

Okay, so let me set the story for you.  I had been “seeing” this guy for awhile…like three-four months and the sex was amazing.  I’m talking makeucumassoonasitsin leavesyoubreathlessfromallthemoaning type good.  It was just awesome.  But I had a little problem…I couldn’t get wet.  Like, at all.  Even when he went down…nothing.  It got to the point where it would hurt so bad that we’d have to stop. 

It freaking sucked because it still felt great and I still had multiple Os…but we had to use lube. 

I’m no t a fan of using lube.  It’s smelly and sticky and I’m only 24* for fuck’s sake…I shouldn’t have to use it.  And I never have had to before, in fact, the ex in this story could tell you a story about a puddle, but we’ll just save that one for another Thursday. 

So because this was never an issue for me I start freaking out.  Is it the new body wash I’m using?  Maybe it’s too harsh…so I try hypoallergenic soap.  Nope, that wasn’t it.  Ok, maybe it’s because I’ve been going commando for awhile?  Nope.  The detergent on my sheets?  Nah.  Maybe my landing strip needs some tending…so I take it all off…still nothing.  Damnit.  And theeeen I think “well, maybe it’s the guy…” so I go to town myself and nada…zilch…Sahara desert type dryness. At this point I’m in tears and calling my gyno to make an appointment so he can fix this horrible ailment.

Fast forward a few weeks and me and the ex are on my couch talking and playing down the sexual tension between us when I blurt out “we can’t….it would be weird”.    Oh, irony, you slay me.

Next think I know we’re in my bed and it’s all kinds of good and I’m more like Niagara Falls than the Sahara Desert so when we’re done I mindlessly breathlessly mutter “well THAT saved me a visit to the doctor!” ohmygawdIdidNOTjustsaythatoutloud…

He whipped his head around so fast I thought it was going to spin on his neck.  Yeah, the look on his face was one of puzzlement, curiosity and might I even say a little fear…  I explain the thoughts behind the statement and he starts cracking the hell up because what guy can be mad about solving THAT type of girl problem???

So now every time we talk he offers to save me a visit to the Dr. and we have our laughs about how I was the one worrying about things getting weird but ironically was the one who contributed the weird factor with my little gem of information.  Oh well, at least I got my mojo back!

For the Queen of TMIT and more awesome stories make sure to click this link!