Neurotic Ramblings

Archive for the ‘thought spurts’ Category

• New jeans.  Lots of them.  At least 3 pairs.
• New shoes.  I NEED new wedges like a crackhead needs…well, crack.
• Cute, work appropriate Spring dresses.
• A new laptop.
• A new phone.
• A chocolate brown loveseat.
• New jewelry.  Mama needs some more bling!
• New yoga pants & workout tanks.
• New trainers.
• New flat sandals.
• A new purse.
• To lose 20 lbs.
• To quit smoking.
• To get my fat ass back in the gym.
• To get my hair done.
• A mani/pedi in whatever fabulous spring polish is in.
• Cushions for my dining room table chairs.
• For my spine to stop cracking every time I stand up.
• New Sharpie Pens because mine already ran out of ink.
• A new coffee mug.

Most of all, really, I just needed to make a list.  So voila. I’m hoping it makes my Monday a little less “meh”.

That is all.  Good day.  Ciao.
Oh, hey, you know what ELSE I need that would make me UBER HAPPY?!  If YOU joined my site using the Google Friend Connect widget on the right.  See that over there?  Yeah, that one.  Jeff’s looking a bit lonely over there!!! (thanks, btw, for joining, Jeff!)  So go, click, you can totes count this as your good deed of the day, promise!

That’s the poundage I’ve shred in the last week or so.  Color me content.  Actually, color me super happy.

And that’s not all.  The toning part of it all kicks major ass.  Jillian Michaels is not as much of a bitch as I thought she’d be, but then again I’m barely on Level 1.

I’ll add to this a big thanks to my platonic love for keeping me motivated, and no, don’t ask who he is because I’m not telling you, and yes, that includes you, bff.  Sorry.

And on top of all this, I’m kinda close to reaching my goal of 2 miles in 20 minutes on the treadmill.  I’m at 1.75 right now and the short term goal is 2m by mid-February,  and then 3m in 20 min by mid March.

I am determined to be beach ready with some killer legs and ass by Spring Break.

Other changes going on…no more drinking during weekdays.  This, I’m sure, is certainly helping me with the shredding of the excess poundage.

I just can’t even tell you how uber excited I am about everything right now.  It’s like I have a fresh outlook on everything.  I’m setting goals and making sure I reach them.

I’m just hoping to keep this momentum up once school starts and I’m glad I didn’t over schedule myself because this quarter brings a lot with it including M & Kbob’s karate lessons, M’s soccer league, Kbob possibly being in baseball, and school, school and more school.  Whew!

Anyhoozles…how in the hell have YOU been?!

Apparently my titles only consist of adjectives now.  How fitting.

First off, Happy 2010 to you all!

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am incapable of being happy or accepting things/people that are good for me.  I start to self-destruct and bring everything down around me.  That being said, I’m not unhappy.  I’m just…blah.

As 2009 came to a close and a new year approached with the promises of new beginnings and potential awesomeness, I realized that I’m not ready to share myself fully with someone.  It’s a sucky thing to realize, but one that makes things much more clearer.

I can’t say that I’m focused on something in particular right now as this whole last week has been lived in a sort of hyper-reality being that the kids have been gone and my mom has been out of town so it’s just been me and my friends and I know damn well that’s not my reality, but it has been a week of relaxing and thinking about absolutely nothing but the little things in life that I don’t get to enjoy everyday like sleeping in till 10 am, taking naps at random times and just getting up and going shopping for things for me.  Damn, that was a long sentence.

So in other words, this year has had a bittersweet start, but that’s a good thing.  I have a sense of self I hadn’t had in so long because I was looking for something that I didn’t really want and now that I’ve realized that I can move on and take things as they come.  That makes no sense because I can’t really put this feeling of weightlessness into words, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

In any case, I hope all of you find what you are looking for and reach your goals and have peace of mind in 2010.  A cluttered mind makes for a messy soul.

Love you guys…besos.

I get it now.  I’m not celebrating Halloween again.  I can’t even think about Halloween with good memories anymore.

Last year I got puked on, Exorcist style.  It was all over me, my hair, and my car.

This year I ran my car into a ditch.  Yes, I was sober.  Yes, everyone is ok, save for bruises and some pain.  My car is totalled.  That’s that.

I’m not going to dwell on it and I’m not going to let it break me, but I don’t want to tempt fate and see what happens if I do it next year.

I have amazing friends who will wake up at 9 am on a Sunday to drive my ass and my totalled car back in to town and offer to go to the junkyard and pull the parts that I need so I don’t have to spend a lot of $.  Who will try to make me laugh all the way back home so I can stop stressing over how my mom will react when she sees my car.  Who will be there for me when I need them just to be on the phone.  Who will wake up at the buttcrack of dawn and drive me to work, 30 minutes away and take me to Starbucks.  Who will offer to drive me to work for the week.  Who won’t bat an eyelash when I tell them the story and how stupid I felt and will try to make me feel better about the situation.  I love you guys. 

Today is a gorgeous day.  It’s a new month.  My son’s 6th bday is in 24 days.  My little man is growing up. 

I’m on the market for a new car.  My family is amazing.

I guess what I’m trying to say in so many words is that I’m thankful for my life and everyone in it.  I’m thankful for getting to look at things from a different perspective and stay positive. 

Nope, not gonna let this get me down.

After spending the last five days at home, being at work seems like a harsh punishment for wanting material things in life.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where my life is, where it’s going and how it seems like I’ll never be where I want to be.

This semester has basically gone to shit. My GPA will drop. That’s a given. I’m completely out of the game and while I can still hope for one A and maybe two Bs, a C will be the inevitable outcome of the lab I’m taking. I don’t do Cs. Hell, I don’t do Bs either, but settling is what I have to do.
Yeah, I could have put more effort into it, devoted more time to studying rather than sleeping, but I’m fucking exhausted.

The options on how to solve this time/money/school crisis are not good ones:
a. Move back in with my mom and go to school full time. I JUST moved out. I’m not doing this to myself or to my kids.
b. Only do half-time at school for Spring. This will slow me down, yet again, and I’ll be further and further away from my degree.
c. Go to school full-time and get a part-time job. This makes sense, except for the money part. I can barely afford to live with my full-time “decently paid” job. How will I manage on less than half the pay?
d. Leave things as they are, get some good drugs and go full speed. This seems like the most reasonable one.

On top of all this, my kids need their extra-curricular activities back. M needs to get back in soccer. She misses it and it would be so beneficial to her health-wise and to release some pent up anger. Kbob needs something to keep him busy. He’s got way too much energy and needs a structured activity to release it.

Why can’t I have it easy like I see so many undeserving people do? I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I see so many women out there with guys who take care of them. Pay the bills while they go to school full-time and support and love kids that aren’t even theirs. Meanwhile I’m by myself, which is better than what I had while I was married anyway since I was basically by myself then too, but it’s fucking hard. It seems like I’ll never be at a place where I’m calm and stable.

I’ve chosen to go into the education field not only because I like it, but because it offers stability that other fields don’t. I get time off coinciding with my kids and that’s a HUGE deal to me. My mom was always there for vacation time and it meant the world to me; I want to be able to do the same with my kids. It just seems my kids will be grown and out of the house by the time I finally graduate.

And yeah, I’m lonely. There are days I wish I had someone there to just chill with and talk to, but that’s not important right now. I realize that, and while my focus sometimes shifts to this, it’s just the woman in me talking. I think I’ll save the rest of this for another day. I’ve dragged this out enough as it is.
Oh, Mondays…you kill me.

So being that my plans of going for a jog, procuring some wedges and putting up my new curtains got foiled because of a two-hours-too-long nap I’m now considering taking care of the curtain situation but I doubt my neighbors would appreciate the drilling at 11 pm.

Have I mentioned that I have the bestest friend ever?  Seriously, I could have sworn I was going to die from a bruised ego disguised as a broken heart yesterday and she showed up with Rocky Road and we broke out the vodka-poms.  This, of course, after spending all day with me since I was bored out of my mind and being home alone was not a good idea.  The day was spent curtain shopping, chicken-wing eating and football watching, The Ugly Truth and a major edit of my okcupid profile.  This bitch knows me better than I know myself.

Anywhoozle…a few things to look forward to tomorrow:

• Getting up semi-early to make a Starbucks Stop before work.  I haven’t had a scone in way too long
• Possibly hitting up some shoe stores downtown before class since I will not rest until I find the perfect pair of wedges and slouchy boots
• Finally getting my jog on after attempting to and failing all weekend
• My A&P class.  Seriously, love it.  And the professor…le sigh…think Matthew McConaughey, Owen Wilson and some nerdy talk…
• Rack Daddy’s.  Nuff said.
• The fact that everything in my closet either fits perfectly, or is too big.  You have no idea how incredibly happy that makes me.

CTS…(omg, did anyone else every do that in middle school when you would write letters to your friends and then be like “CTS” for “changing the subject”?….no, just me?  ok, moving on…)

I was reading a lot of my old blogs this weekend and I realized how much I hate my writing style lately.  I used to write like I spoke and I really thought it added just the right amount of spunk and personality to my words and now everything is over analyzed and retyped and just plain…BLAH.  I don’t like it.  I plan to so something about it.

And on that note, I’m out, ya’ll.

Happy Tuesday!

Besos.

As soon as I walked out of class at 7 pm today my phone was already ringing and I knew it was my mother.

“It’s raining, there’s a flood warning, which is more than just a watch you know, and there’s a tornado watch as well.  Do you have an umbrella?  You should have a jacket.  And get off the phone…”  (in the background my grandma is chiming in with the story of the lady who got electrocuted through her cell phone because she was on it during a storm)

Oy.

I know where my paranioa of natural disasters comes from.  When I was little we weren’t allowed to watch tv, use the phone, or any electrical appliance for that matter if there was a storm a’brewin’.  You couldn’t even shower.  That was never really explained to me in greater detail other than “you can die”.

I do, however,  remember falling asleep under a nightstand at a hotel in Cisco, TX while watching a tornado through the open door…apparently, you can’t die from looking at them.

My mom and grandma have tried to ingrain some admirable things in me:

• Be a strong woman.
• Never lie; even white lies can be harmful.
• Always know how to do things for yourself even if you don’t need to do them:  “Hay que saber hacerlo para poder mandarlo”  (you need to know how to do it if you want to make sure whoever is doing it for you is doing right)
• Always carry a pair of flats in your car.  You never know when you’re going to have to walk a mile or two.

Aside from that first and last bullet, a lot of words of widsom have been lost on me.  Maybe for the fact that they don’t instill the fear that dying from electrocution or having ugly feet do…

Every time I hear thunder I almost immediately stop what I’m doing and think of my mom.

Everytime I go over my miles for the next reccomended oil change I am reminded of my grandma and all the car maintenance tidbits she will pass on to me and my brother.
(while they drive me insane about changing the oxygen sensor so I can get better gas mileage I can’t help but smile because I remember my grandaddy nagging them about their own cars years ago)

Everytime I have a panic attack over some mundane thing such as “Did I unplug my flat iron so the house doesn’t catch on fire?”…”Did I roll the car window down a tiny bit so the windshield doesn’t crack?”…”Have I changed the air filter this month so that my house doesn’t fill with mold spores?’  I stop and think of all my quirks and over analytical thoughts and remember I have my mom & grandma to thank for them.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What about you?  Did your parents fill you with any paranoid thoughts?
Did you get any of your quirks from them?
Tell me!  I want to know I’m not the only twisty one!!!

Karma has been hunting me down lately.  I’d like to say that I’m taking it like a champ, and I am, for the most part anyway.  But if I get kicked in the ass whilst throwing a punch, does it negate the effect of said punch in some karmic loophole?  I sure hope so.  I don’t want to go through this again.

Nurse Jackie is a great show.  I love Edie Falco.  I love that I don’t see a trace of Carmela when she’s acting.

You know who I miss seeing on tv?  Jackie Werner.  That chick is hot.

And it’s not even her body, it’s her eyes, that piercing look…

Speaking of piercings…I still haven’t gotten around to repiercing my nose.  And now I’m rethinking it.  A friend of a friend got the most kickass Marilyn Monroe.  It’s the outline of the black and white fade away print.  I want that.  But the James Dean version.  Then again, I don’t want that to be the first tattoo I ever get because even if it is James Dean, it’s not a meaningful tattoo.  So I think I’ll just stick to buying the wall art on etsy and putting him in my room:

I love my G1.  They finally cracked down on internet usage at work so I can’t even read blogs on my google reader.  Luckily, I downloaded a reader app from the market so I get to blogstalk all you people and you don’t even know it. Lurker I am.  Just not intentionally.

Ok, I’m out.  I’ll leave you with this to think about:

Is  it possible to live in blissful ignorance?  To blatantly refuse to acknowledge the truth that is staring us in the face?  Can a person really ignore a gut feeling for the sake of fake happiness?