Neurotic Ramblings

Archive for June, 2009

Nurse Jackie is a great show.  I love Edie Falco.  I love that I don’t see a trace of Carmela when she’s acting.

You know who I miss seeing on tv?  Jackie Werner.  That chick is hot.

And it’s not even her body, it’s her eyes, that piercing look…

Speaking of piercings…I still haven’t gotten around to repiercing my nose.  And now I’m rethinking it.  A friend of a friend got the most kickass Marilyn Monroe.  It’s the outline of the black and white fade away print.  I want that.  But the James Dean version.  Then again, I don’t want that to be the first tattoo I ever get because even if it is James Dean, it’s not a meaningful tattoo.  So I think I’ll just stick to buying the wall art on etsy and putting him in my room:

I love my G1.  They finally cracked down on internet usage at work so I can’t even read blogs on my google reader.  Luckily, I downloaded a reader app from the market so I get to blogstalk all you people and you don’t even know it. Lurker I am.  Just not intentionally.

Ok, I’m out.  I’ll leave you with this to think about:

Is  it possible to live in blissful ignorance?  To blatantly refuse to acknowledge the truth that is staring us in the face?  Can a person really ignore a gut feeling for the sake of fake happiness?

I am getting this out before it boils enough and spills out in the form of spoken word.
Fuck this shit. I’m done.
I deserve better. I want better.

It’s so simple to fall into a casual lay. To be honest, I don’t have the time or energy to invest in meeting new people. I just don’t. This was convenient. It was easy. It was fun.

But, I’m also a woman. Which means that I’m programmed to inevitably get attached. Even though I don’t want to. Even though I know it won’t work. Even though I know I’ll get hurt.

I just didn’t think I was going to be this moody about it. Like, seriously. One minute I’m all about the casual, not so many strings attached whathaveyous and then the next I’m clingy and insecure and demanding immediate attention. What the hell? Maybe it has a bit to do with the all the cuddling and babying and “I wish it were more even though I know it can’t be” that I keep getting. But, I’m also getting the brush off, the asshole attitude, and fuck, my heart is racing just typing about this. It pisses me the fuck off. Why does he have to be such an asshole?! Can I have the past three months back, please?

It always starts smoothly, no? Dinner, movies, good conversation, just hanging out and some sex every now and then. There is effort on the other party’s side to make plans and see you, to call, to text. And then bam, next thing you know all that has faded and been replaced with a string of “what are you doing tonight?” that no longer means you’re getting taken out on a date, it means you’re getting lucky. And for a while that’s all cool and shit, because honestly, who has the time to be going on dates all the time? For someone who has their calendar full for the next two months with things kid and work related, this should work out perfectly. You have great sex and get on with your life. Had the whole thing started off as an FB kind of thing, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad…

But it’s the fact that it turned into that that pisses me off.

I know why it happened. I know it’s my fault. I should have never been this available. I shouldn’t have payed that much attention. I shouldn’t have tried to make it something it wasn’t.
I knew what the outcome would be. And I’ve typed this out before yet still go back to him because falling back into an already existing sexual relationship is easier, more convenient, and safer than going out and having to establish some sort of connection with someone, wait as long as it takes to feel comfortable and make sure they’re not pervs/psychos/weirdos before actually thinking about sleeping with them. Not to mention the fact that as much as I talk about sex, my libido is close to non-existant lately. I kind of just crave a warm body lying next to me.

I don’t get it. I’m confused and I really don’t know what I’m saying anymore. All I know is this sucks and I hate reacting like this. I feel like a silly school girl with a crush. I’m stronger than this. I don’t play games, I don’t put guys through tests, I am moody, but not to the extreme that it has been getting to lately. I know I can’t say one thing and mean another or expect someone to read my mind, yet I still do it.

I don’t like the person that this is turning me into. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. It makes me feel like I’m falling, literally. I get goosebumps and chills and I can feel my body plummeting down as if I just jumped off a building. I feel exposed.

So fuck that. I deserve better. I want better and I’m done settling.

But then I got overwhelmed with all the pictures.  Coming Wednesday: My Brag Book.  Babies, Goofy Mothers, Studly Brothers and One Awesome Grandma.  The people who make me crazy, insane, and the happiest chick in the world.

But for tonight, I’m out.  Had a loooong day: hella busy at work, actually made dinner, cleaned house and then rushed out to Kbob’s Pony League Closing Ceremony.  It doesn’t sound exhausting, but trust, it is.

Have a great night ya’ll.

Ok, first off, my apologies for not being around in forever. I didn’t even know I had replies to the last post until today. Given my last topic, let’s just say now I know why people think I’m a flaky friend! heehee

Aaaaanytwit, I FINALLY have a reliable home internet connection so expect to read a lot more of my neurotic ramblings. Hope you stick around for that…

I had the day off today. Well, technically, Kbob had an ear ache this morning so I had to take him to the Dr. but then he was like “Mommy, I wanna go back to daycare because I promised M I would and I have to keep my word” to which I was like “awww, yes you do! are you sure you’re ok though” all the while thinking, yes, chaching, I have an excuse from work ’til tomorrow so I can go home and give myself a pedi and relaaaax and finally finish reading my book and…oh, I have errands to run. Nevermind.

So I’ve been running up and down since 11 am this morning doing whatnots and whathaveyous and now it’s 4:10 and I have to get the munchkins at 4:30 and haul them off to practice at 5 and then somehow pick up my new couch before 6 and then get ready to go back to work for tomorrow. FML. Being a mom is hardwork, ya’ll!

On the upside, I’m in my own place now so when I finally get the kids to bed at 10ish I get to do NOTHING. Yes. Doing nothing is nice. Doing nothing with no one hovering or coming in and out of the room just to be annoying and no one asking if you can take them here or there in the morning is niiiiice. I can take 20 minute hot showers and then read until I fall asleep and not have anyone sreaming at me to hurry up because I’m running up the water bill or to go sleep because it’s really late and the kids can’t sleep with the light on and blah blih blahbitty blah. My.own.place.rules. Yep. (I miss my mommy and grammy though, just a bit. Even the punk lil bro, but don’t tell them I said anything or they’ll come visit)

Oh, and you people need to quit twittering about how awesome The Hangover was. You’re making me green with envy as I will not be able to see said film for a whole ‘nother week.