Neurotic Ramblings

Holy effing geez, people!

I’m bursting at the seams with emotion right now!

This morning has been spent in moments of “OMG I’m so happy I’m gonna cry” and dry heaving because OMG, I really could cry right now but all that comes out is a breathy sob. But it’s a weird sob, like sadness enveloped in happy, wrapped in rainbows and sprinkled with fairy dust…

What the hell is UP with me today?!

I don’t know, but I’m by no means complaining. This is a good change.

Today has been full of normalcy. It’s weird. But good. So Yay!

I had lunch with the BFFS at C&C Wings and had the creepiest waiter who just so happens to be new and just so happened to take a liking to me (of course he did, all the weird ones do), but I forgot where I was going with this…I guess spazzy me is back and whooo! Thank goodness!

I have made it a point to take a day off and go to the beach with the BFFS next week even if it means me & Ricky Bobby have to drag Lo out by her hair. I will make it out to the beach at least once during this Spring Break, damnit. I.WILL.
In talking to the BFFS I mentioned the fact that scrolling marquees have been flashing randomly in my view lately. No, not real marquees…imaginary ones. If you’ve been reading long enough, you know that this is not an odd occurrence.

Today’s read: EXISTENTIALISM in big, flashy gold lights just the likes of Vegas. I will take this as a clue and imagine myself existing in Vegas and make it happen this year fo’ sho’. See? I even used slang so you KNOW it’s gonna happen.

Anyfuckingwho…yeah. SPI, Vegas, AustinInJune…here I come!!!

Happy Friday everyone! I hope yours is fan-fucking-tastical as mine!!!

Love ya, besos!

To say this was a loooong day would be such a huge understatement.

Work had it’s good moments, but today was a day I couldn’t wait to escape from. 

I feel like I’ve been running around since the minute I left the parking lot.  Drive home and get the soccer uniform, pick up the kids all the way across town, rush to practice.  This damn weather doesn’t help either.  It’s windy and muggy and humid and chilly all at the same time and the mosquitos look like something out of a sci-fi movie. 

It’s a million little things all rolled into one big, hellatious day.  Pick up laundry, drop off laundry, finding time to actually DO the laundry, clean the apartment, pick up the living room, ask the kids a billion times if homework is done and for the eleventy billionth time, take a shower!!!

It’s overwhelming.  And at the same time, I look around and think, damn, I have it good.  I have a nice place to live, I’m finally feeling at home here.  I have a car that while ugly, is reliable.  My kids have everything they need and so many damn extras that really, they’re quite spoiled.  But they help me out a lot around the house too so it’s a give and take sitch.  It works. 

I think I’m so exhauseted from thinking all damn day.  I expend so much energy worrying about the larger scheme of things that I forget to take a breath and live in the moment.  I’ve been thinking that something that’s supposed to be right shouldn’t take this much work.  Maybe if I take things a little less seriously, I can actually enjoy my time and be happy.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy right now.  But the what-ifs and what-abouts are a little too much to take sometimes.  The long term goals will be reached with or without the worries so there’s no point in worrying in the insignificance that the now sometimes brings.  It’s my fault, really.  We all know I over analyze.  I obsess.  I work out every scenario and always prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.  But why?  Maybe it’s ok to live in my bubble.  Stop trying to burst it.

I don’t know anymore.

What I do know is that today at M’s practice Kbob and I took a walk to the car.  I held his hand in mine and we walked together in silence.  His little face looked up and just smiled and every single worry, every stressful thought, every single moment that had made today a bad day just melted away. 

Enjoy the little things in life.  I won’t always have my baby boy the way he is now.  He won’t always be my baby and want to walk hand in hand with me.  M won’t always need me to be there for her practices cheering her on.  They’ll eventually grow up and I’ll be in the sidelines, still cheering, but I won’t have a little hand to squeeze back.  That’s the reason why I’m here.  That’s the reason I go to work everyday.  That’s the reason I’m going to school.  Focus.  Perspective.  I’ve got it.

Defensio Spam Comment moderator thingy:  you suck.

Wicked, Fi, Aymie & Cass, I just barely saw your comments today.  <3 you girls!

Anywhoozle…

I took Thing 1 & Thing 2 to watch Alice In Wonderland this weekend.  Let me just tell you, it was amazing. 

I’m a huge fan of the original.  I remember watching it as a kid and being completely entranced by the bizarre aspect of it all.  It wasn’t so much Alice’s journey throughout the movie; it was the characters and their stories that drew me in and took me away.  It was all so amazingly odd…the dog with a broom for whiskers and a tail, the little foghorn ducks, the scary talking flowers…so judgy! 

But I think my favorite character, well, no, not favorite because that would be the Red Queen…what can I say, I relate with her the most…jajjaja…

Anyway, as I was saying, the character that had the most impact on me was the Caterpillar.  I can almost trace back my love for words to that one scene in the movie where he begins to speak…or maybe it was the hookah that drew me in     Just the simple enunciation of “Whoooo aaarrrre youuuuuu” did me in.

I love this movie for the oddness of it all.  It gives me a certain comfort.  Maybe it’s the missing Prince Charming and Alice not having to be rescued by him.  Maybe it’s just the plain and simple fact the impossible is only held within a realm that we create ourselves and if  we dream and imagine just enough, we can let reality melt and fantasy take us away.

le sigh…

I leave you with one of my favorite songs of all time… White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

Let’s change this up a bit, shall we?

Remember when I was all “I’m awesome, and gorgeous, and amazing and pretty and funny and a dance machine and omg, wouldn’t you just loooove to be me?!” ?

Yeah, I don’t either.  I seem to have taken myself off my own pedestal and didn’t even realize it. 

But guess what?!  I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! 

Yes, the narcissistic diva you’ve grown to love to hate is back with a vengenace. A girl’s gotta make up for lost time.

Life has been fabulous.  The parties have been amazing and every day has proven to be better than the last.

It’s incredible what one good day can do to change your perspective.  Just yesterday this blog would have been wah wah wah, but no.  I don’t have time for that.

I’m getting back to my stuck up, pretentious, better-than- you self and not making any apologies for it.  Wanna know why?  Because I am fan-fucking-tastic, that’s why.

And by “you”, you know I don’t mean you, my loves.  Ya’ll know I love each and every one of you!!!

But I’m serious.  I dress the part, I walk the part, I talk it and live it, I just don’t know why it hasn’t been coming across on here. 

I read my blogs and my skin crawled.  Who is this dark, whiny person who has seem to have taken over for me and why is she bitching all the time and not even in a sarcastic manner???

Unacceptable, my friends. 

Everything used to be so tongue-in-cheek, inside joke, look at us we’re fabulous…and then BAM!  Negativity central hit.  And the weird part was that it happened just as everything is so awesome in my personal life. 

I don’t need to be miserable to crank out a good blog.  I can do it just fine when I’m oh so happy.  I just need to sharpen up my wit and cook up some snark and I’m on my way with a recipe for Pecosaliciousness. 

Oh yes honey, I’m back.

If you don’t feel like reading another depressing, self-centered, woe-is-me blog, then turn away now.  It ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have a notepad full of tiny little tidbits that I have been wanting to blog about.  Today is not the day for them.

People keep asking me what’s wrong.  Someone actually asked me if I was depressed today.  And I don’t even know what to say to that. 

I mean, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve been trying to eat right by avoiding salty foods and cokes and I’m not drinking anywhere nearly as much as I had been last year.  But I feel…odd.  Like, this weird feeling that I can’t explain where you know something’s not right but yet you’re not in excrutiating pain or discomfort so it’s hard to pinpoint what it is.  All I know is it sucks to feel like this.

I’m starting to see some people for who they really are, and it’s not who I thought they were.  Not even close.  It’s sad and it hurts and it’s kind of like, “fuck, I thought I was getting better at this judging character thing”, but nope.  Apparently not.

Everything is annoying me lately.  I read some fb updates, some tweets, and I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up and get over themselves because they’re really pathetic, and others I just want to delete completely, but I can’t because they’re people I’m close to.  And as much as I try to see the good attributes I still sit there and wonder why the hell I’m friends with these people to begin with.

I’m becoming vicious.  Mean spirited, even.  It sucks.  Mainly because I had put that behavior behind me and it took me years to do that.  There was a point in my life when I would have cut a certain bitch, regardless of what the outcome would have been, and not thought twice about it.  I didn’t like being like that and I’m trying not to become that again.

But see, the thing is I’m in a place where there’s no turning back.  I’ve fallen.  I can try to detach, but the outcome will be the same because I’ll still be miserable. 

So I think the only thing to do now is go back to the point where it was all about me and fuck anyone else, but not too far back to where I actually feel anything towards anyone.

I need to be healthy for me.  I need to be happy for me.  I need to do what’s right FOR ME.

I’m not sure where I got back to the point of putting someone else before me.  But if I could go back to that point knowing that this is what I was getting out of it, I’d bitch slap myself. 

The other thing that bugs me right now is people assuming that I’m sad-ish about Valentine’s Day coming up and me being single.  Um, how about NO.  I’ve been alone for the past five years on V day and it’s not a big deal.  I don’t get flowers or candy or jewlry or anything of the sorts, but I also don’t have to deal with the bullshit that men bring to equation.  Seems like a fair trade.

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday.  I have the day planned out.  I’m making breakfast for the kiddos, doing some shopping, watching Percy Jackson & the Olympians, taking them to lunch and then going to watch Valentine’s Day by myself.  The day will end with a bottle of wine and a toast.  A toast to the fact that while I may be a bit down, I have everything I need to make myself happy.

How will YOU be spending your Valentine’s Day?

When I was married, my husband continually complained that I would shrink his clothes in the dryer. He used this as an excuse to play off the fact that he was slowly becoming a fatty; it was a running joke amongst the in-laws. Well, guess what? My grandma shrank my jeans in the dryer. It’s a sad, sad day.

I feel like stuffed sausage. These pants are so g-damn tight! But it HAS to be that they shrunk because all my other jeans fit just fine! It’s just that I needed to wear my sparkly butt jeans to offset the shittiness that this day was to hold so I was stuck with these. And they fit fine this morning, but somewhere in between the drive to my kid’s school and my drive to work, I must have gained like ten effin pounds. What gives?

Oh yeah, fuck you Mother Nature. You cross dressing tranny, you. I shake my fist at you!

In other news that you don’t care about…I started my shred again yesterday. I wasn’t planning on it, but I needed to.

You see, when I started jogging, I noticed what an awesome relief it was for me. Like, I could be having the worst fucking day EVER, and a quick two mile jog would make it all go away and I could clear my head.

Well, yesterday I needed to RUN. I had to. If I didn’t do something to sweat the stress out, I was going to explode. But guess what? As my shitty luck would have it, the damn gym was CLOSED. GAH! So I went home, popped Jillian Michaels in my DVD player and called her a bitch with each and every side step lunge I did. And.it.felt.good. Every bead of sweat and every ache in my thighs was sweet, sweet relief.

Sometimes I just get the urge to start running. Maybe if I gave in to that urge I could stop blaming my grandma for making my jeans shrink. Hmmmm….there’s an interesting concept.

Whoo.

Taxes: filed

M’s glasses: ordered

Lost watching: in progress.

Jaja, I wish I could take a pic of Kbob right now.  He was talking my ear off a minute ago and right now that I turned to look  at him he’s fast asleep with his feet on my shoulder and his head hanging off the couch.  He’s a monkey even in his sleep.

Today was incredibly odd.  I spent the better part of two hours reading about deadly creatures of the sea and freaking myself out because who knows when I might one day decide to go scuba-diving and some colossal squid will be like “hmmm, there’s dinner” and drag me down to the abyss with its hooked tentacles and then whatever would everyone do without me around?!  I know!  The tragedy!!!  See people, it’s a good thing I worry about these things.

Seriously, would YOU want this thing swimming after you?!

Aren’t you glad I don’t post images on here often???

Anytwittles, I was in a “mood” for the rest of the day.  Not a bad mood, or a sad mood, but a “what the hell is wrong with me…ooo, shiny!, can we all go home now please?” mood.  Yeah, try explaining that one to your boss.  So it’s just easier to say “lady problems” and move it along and then all is well again.

I’ve decided that I’m going to delete my myspace.  I know, I’m totes late for the movement against “the man” or what not, but fashionably late.  I just need to get my new laptop, go through all my old blogs, save those, go through pics and save the ones I want to keep which I no longer have, and ohmyfkingoodness I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

See, I can organize things better than your average Susie Q.  As long as they are physical things.  Meaning I can touch them.  Files in a computer, though, drive me completely insane.  I don’t even download music because it’s a pain in my ass to organize it into folders that I can easily retrieve depending on my mood.  Can you imagine how I would do with five years worth of crap from a website that gave me my first outlet to the blogosphere???  No bueno.

So sometime, maybe, possibly, perhaps, I will brave my OCD demons and get rid of the whole damn thing and just leave it all behind because really, who wants to go back and reminisce about the dark times in their life?  Oh yeah, THIS drama queen does.

Well, my loves, this is enough rambling for one sitting considering I don’t even have a glass of wine in my hand (although one lovely lady offered to think of me while she downed hers so that has to count for something, right?).

So goodnight, lucid dreams, and as my buddy Normy says, beware of bedtime creatures.

Besos!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  THANK YOU to those of you who joined me on my Google Friend Connect.  I LOVES YOU!!!

• New jeans.  Lots of them.  At least 3 pairs.
• New shoes.  I NEED new wedges like a crackhead needs…well, crack.
• Cute, work appropriate Spring dresses.
• A new laptop.
• A new phone.
• A chocolate brown loveseat.
• New jewelry.  Mama needs some more bling!
• New yoga pants & workout tanks.
• New trainers.
• New flat sandals.
• A new purse.
• To lose 20 lbs.
• To quit smoking.
• To get my fat ass back in the gym.
• To get my hair done.
• A mani/pedi in whatever fabulous spring polish is in.
• Cushions for my dining room table chairs.
• For my spine to stop cracking every time I stand up.
• New Sharpie Pens because mine already ran out of ink.
• A new coffee mug.

Most of all, really, I just needed to make a list.  So voila. I’m hoping it makes my Monday a little less “meh”.

That is all.  Good day.  Ciao.
Oh, hey, you know what ELSE I need that would make me UBER HAPPY?!  If YOU joined my site using the Google Friend Connect widget on the right.  See that over there?  Yeah, that one.  Jeff’s looking a bit lonely over there!!! (thanks, btw, for joining, Jeff!)  So go, click, you can totes count this as your good deed of the day, promise!

Ha, what a difference a day makes! 

The original title of this post was: This blog is brought to you by the letter B and the number P as in Pinot Grigio.

Partly (mostly), because I was blitzed on some when I wrote it, and then somehow forgot to post it.   Read on…

I want to bare my soul right now, but I can’t.

What the hell do you do when your moral core contradicts your heart?  When you see the fairy tale ending, but you’re the Wicked Witch of the West in the story?

Am I expecting a house to fall on me any minute now?  Absofuckinglutely.  Do I want to do anything about it?   Ansofuckinglutely NOT.

Why am I not allowed to be happy?  I’ve thought this many times over the past few days as this little line plays in my head: “My happiness is more important to me than yours”.  While it’s a bitch ass thing to say, it’s nothing but the truth.

Shit, who’s gonna worry about me and my feelings and my heart and my life if not myself?  That’s right, a whole lotta no one.

So to those of you who feel the need to run your mouth and talk your shit, I say this:  Keep talking, bitches,  you have no life.  Kiss my fucking sweet ass.  =)  ahahaha, you wish you fking could.

/drunken/dramatic rambles.

So, most of the sentiment remains the same: “You don’t like me?  Kiss my ass!”  I’ma do me & you can do you. 

But oh, fuck!  I let my feelings get the best of me.  This includes anger and irrantional…impatience.  Or something of the sorts. 

Anyfuckingway…I’ve neglected this place long enough.  Partly because of time constraints, mostly because I’m conscious about who reads it.  But then, I read this awesome post by Shine over at http://www.ishineoutloud.com/shine/  Go ahead, click the link!!!  (I know only like, three people read this blog and all, but two of you really need to read her last particular blog because she said everything I needed to say just so much better and the third one of you needs to go read her posts because she’s full of awesome). 

So now that you’re back, know that if you stumble on here and read something that hurts your feelings or you take personally or just puts your panties all in a twist, too fucking bad.

I’m me.  The same spazzy, foul-mouthed, emotional, insensitive, selfish, narcissitic drama queen you know and love.  You can like me or love me; you can try to hate me; but I’ma be me.

Besitos