Neurotic Ramblings

Whoo.

Taxes: filed

M’s glasses: ordered

Lost watching: in progress.

Jaja, I wish I could take a pic of Kbob right now.  He was talking my ear off a minute ago and right now that I turned to look  at him he’s fast asleep with his feet on my shoulder and his head hanging off the couch.  He’s a monkey even in his sleep.

Today was incredibly odd.  I spent the better part of two hours reading about deadly creatures of the sea and freaking myself out because who knows when I might one day decide to go scuba-diving and some colossal squid will be like “hmmm, there’s dinner” and drag me down to the abyss with its hooked tentacles and then whatever would everyone do without me around?!  I know!  The tragedy!!!  See people, it’s a good thing I worry about these things.

Seriously, would YOU want this thing swimming after you?!

Aren’t you glad I don’t post images on here often???

Anytwittles, I was in a “mood” for the rest of the day.  Not a bad mood, or a sad mood, but a “what the hell is wrong with me…ooo, shiny!, can we all go home now please?” mood.  Yeah, try explaining that one to your boss.  So it’s just easier to say “lady problems” and move it along and then all is well again.

I’ve decided that I’m going to delete my myspace.  I know, I’m totes late for the movement against “the man” or what not, but fashionably late.  I just need to get my new laptop, go through all my old blogs, save those, go through pics and save the ones I want to keep which I no longer have, and ohmyfkingoodness I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

See, I can organize things better than your average Susie Q.  As long as they are physical things.  Meaning I can touch them.  Files in a computer, though, drive me completely insane.  I don’t even download music because it’s a pain in my ass to organize it into folders that I can easily retrieve depending on my mood.  Can you imagine how I would do with five years worth of crap from a website that gave me my first outlet to the blogosphere???  No bueno.

So sometime, maybe, possibly, perhaps, I will brave my OCD demons and get rid of the whole damn thing and just leave it all behind because really, who wants to go back and reminisce about the dark times in their life?  Oh yeah, THIS drama queen does.

Well, my loves, this is enough rambling for one sitting considering I don’t even have a glass of wine in my hand (although one lovely lady offered to think of me while she downed hers so that has to count for something, right?).

So goodnight, lucid dreams, and as my buddy Normy says, beware of bedtime creatures.

Besos!

Oh, oh, oh!!!  THANK YOU to those of you who joined me on my Google Friend Connect.  I LOVES YOU!!!

• New jeans.  Lots of them.  At least 3 pairs.
• New shoes.  I NEED new wedges like a crackhead needs…well, crack.
• Cute, work appropriate Spring dresses.
• A new laptop.
• A new phone.
• A chocolate brown loveseat.
• New jewelry.  Mama needs some more bling!
• New yoga pants & workout tanks.
• New trainers.
• New flat sandals.
• A new purse.
• To lose 20 lbs.
• To quit smoking.
• To get my fat ass back in the gym.
• To get my hair done.
• A mani/pedi in whatever fabulous spring polish is in.
• Cushions for my dining room table chairs.
• For my spine to stop cracking every time I stand up.
• New Sharpie Pens because mine already ran out of ink.
• A new coffee mug.

Most of all, really, I just needed to make a list.  So voila. I’m hoping it makes my Monday a little less “meh”.

That is all.  Good day.  Ciao.
Oh, hey, you know what ELSE I need that would make me UBER HAPPY?!  If YOU joined my site using the Google Friend Connect widget on the right.  See that over there?  Yeah, that one.  Jeff’s looking a bit lonely over there!!! (thanks, btw, for joining, Jeff!)  So go, click, you can totes count this as your good deed of the day, promise!

Ha, what a difference a day makes! 

The original title of this post was: This blog is brought to you by the letter B and the number P as in Pinot Grigio.

Partly (mostly), because I was blitzed on some when I wrote it, and then somehow forgot to post it.   Read on…

I want to bare my soul right now, but I can’t.

What the hell do you do when your moral core contradicts your heart?  When you see the fairy tale ending, but you’re the Wicked Witch of the West in the story?

Am I expecting a house to fall on me any minute now?  Absofuckinglutely.  Do I want to do anything about it?   Ansofuckinglutely NOT.

Why am I not allowed to be happy?  I’ve thought this many times over the past few days as this little line plays in my head: “My happiness is more important to me than yours”.  While it’s a bitch ass thing to say, it’s nothing but the truth.

Shit, who’s gonna worry about me and my feelings and my heart and my life if not myself?  That’s right, a whole lotta no one.

So to those of you who feel the need to run your mouth and talk your shit, I say this:  Keep talking, bitches,  you have no life.  Kiss my fucking sweet ass.  =)  ahahaha, you wish you fking could.

/drunken/dramatic rambles.

So, most of the sentiment remains the same: “You don’t like me?  Kiss my ass!”  I’ma do me & you can do you. 

But oh, fuck!  I let my feelings get the best of me.  This includes anger and irrantional…impatience.  Or something of the sorts. 

Anyfuckingway…I’ve neglected this place long enough.  Partly because of time constraints, mostly because I’m conscious about who reads it.  But then, I read this awesome post by Shine over at http://www.ishineoutloud.com/shine/  Go ahead, click the link!!!  (I know only like, three people read this blog and all, but two of you really need to read her last particular blog because she said everything I needed to say just so much better and the third one of you needs to go read her posts because she’s full of awesome). 

So now that you’re back, know that if you stumble on here and read something that hurts your feelings or you take personally or just puts your panties all in a twist, too fucking bad.

I’m me.  The same spazzy, foul-mouthed, emotional, insensitive, selfish, narcissitic drama queen you know and love.  You can like me or love me; you can try to hate me; but I’ma be me.

Besitos

That’s the poundage I’ve shred in the last week or so.  Color me content.  Actually, color me super happy.

And that’s not all.  The toning part of it all kicks major ass.  Jillian Michaels is not as much of a bitch as I thought she’d be, but then again I’m barely on Level 1.

I’ll add to this a big thanks to my platonic love for keeping me motivated, and no, don’t ask who he is because I’m not telling you, and yes, that includes you, bff.  Sorry.

And on top of all this, I’m kinda close to reaching my goal of 2 miles in 20 minutes on the treadmill.  I’m at 1.75 right now and the short term goal is 2m by mid-February,  and then 3m in 20 min by mid March.

I am determined to be beach ready with some killer legs and ass by Spring Break.

Other changes going on…no more drinking during weekdays.  This, I’m sure, is certainly helping me with the shredding of the excess poundage.

I just can’t even tell you how uber excited I am about everything right now.  It’s like I have a fresh outlook on everything.  I’m setting goals and making sure I reach them.

I’m just hoping to keep this momentum up once school starts and I’m glad I didn’t over schedule myself because this quarter brings a lot with it including M & Kbob’s karate lessons, M’s soccer league, Kbob possibly being in baseball, and school, school and more school.  Whew!

Anyhoozles…how in the hell have YOU been?!

Apparently my titles only consist of adjectives now.  How fitting.

First off, Happy 2010 to you all!

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am incapable of being happy or accepting things/people that are good for me.  I start to self-destruct and bring everything down around me.  That being said, I’m not unhappy.  I’m just…blah.

As 2009 came to a close and a new year approached with the promises of new beginnings and potential awesomeness, I realized that I’m not ready to share myself fully with someone.  It’s a sucky thing to realize, but one that makes things much more clearer.

I can’t say that I’m focused on something in particular right now as this whole last week has been lived in a sort of hyper-reality being that the kids have been gone and my mom has been out of town so it’s just been me and my friends and I know damn well that’s not my reality, but it has been a week of relaxing and thinking about absolutely nothing but the little things in life that I don’t get to enjoy everyday like sleeping in till 10 am, taking naps at random times and just getting up and going shopping for things for me.  Damn, that was a long sentence.

So in other words, this year has had a bittersweet start, but that’s a good thing.  I have a sense of self I hadn’t had in so long because I was looking for something that I didn’t really want and now that I’ve realized that I can move on and take things as they come.  That makes no sense because I can’t really put this feeling of weightlessness into words, but I hope you get what I’m saying.

In any case, I hope all of you find what you are looking for and reach your goals and have peace of mind in 2010.  A cluttered mind makes for a messy soul.

Love you guys…besos.

I’m so incredibly happy.  I haven’t been able to stop smiling for two weeks. 

I had finals and worried about how the hell I was going to pay all my bills and it was a hectic and shitty week to say the least, but I still couldn’t stop smiling.

Then came Saturday, and well, it’s all been uphill from there. 

You see, I met someone.  An amazing someone.  Someone who I talked to and texted for what’s going to now be 3 months.  And then I finally met him and everything just clicked.  Things in my life seemed to get better once he came into it.  Like everything aligned and me being happy and positive brought good things to me. 

He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met before.  He’s thoughtful, and caring and sweet and loving and I could go on and on and on but I’ll stop with the sap.  Just know I’m incredibly happy and things are finally starting to go really, really well for me.

I’ll give you a tidbit on our date Saturday…He picked me up at my place and we drove to McAllen where we had lunch at a sushi bar.  Fuji Apple sake is freaking delish!   Then we went watch The Blind Side.  And then it was off to dinner at house.wine. which was absolutely incredible.  Does this guy know me, or what?!  We hit up some places downtown and then headed back to Bville to meet up with some of my friends.  The day could not have gone any better.  It was perfect.  I am one lucky woman.

In other news, I managed to end the semester with decent enough grades to keep my GPA above a 3.0.  I honestly didn’t think it was going to happen.  The kicker was my World Lit final which I considered not taking since I was sure I was getting a D in the class anyway.  My final grade: B. Mmmhmmm.

Life is great.

Because bullet points make me smile…

• I need to find an outfit to wear on Saturday.  Every single piece of clothing I own has been played out.  If you’re my friend on FB, you’ve seen them all.  Plus I need cute winter clothes that can be dressed up for a night out, or played down and office appropriate.  I JUST NEED TO SHOP.  PERIOD.
• This month is still killing me financially.  I keep telling myself it will be ok.  I’m breaking down the budget accordingly. 
• This brings me to my next point:
  • I’ve had some people wonder how I bitch about my finances and still manage to go out “all the damn time”.  To those people I simply say this:  I have amazing party buddies.  End of story. 
• TABLE.  That’s all I have to say about that.    well, maybe an lmfao for good measure.
• I cannot WAIT for the end of this week to be here.  All my finals will be over and done with and this semester of procrastination will come to an end.  The S.O.D. will be put into retirement and while Spring will be looming right around the corner, it brings promises of A’s with it.
• There’s something that I’ve been dying to share with you guys…I’ve almost blogged about it, but don’t want to get ahead of myself so I’ve kept mum.  I’m still cringing from not being able to just blurt it out!
• I hadn’t realized how really incredibly happy making lists make me.   Everything is all nice and neat and organized.  I love it.

I’ll leave you with this tale of embarrassment from last night:

I’m suffering from “working out on a Monday” allergies so when I got to my mom’s at around 7ish, I asked her for an allergy pill.  She gave me some generic crap and made sure I only took ONE tiny little pill.  Fast forward to dinner with the BFF & her BF…I was LOOPY.  I couldn’t shut up.  I tried, but I couldn’t.  And I was LOUD!  Like, ten times louder than usual.  I managed to freak out a bus boy by yelling at Ricky Bobby for insinuating that he was bored.  But, the coup de gras came when we (finally) got our tab…see, we needed to split it…and the waiter boy (who looked like a Jonas brother and NOT a flat faced dog as RB put it) says “I can split it for you, just tell me how you want it” *cue school- girl-with-a-crush-med-induced-giggles here*  I could.not.stop.giggling.  I turned beet red.  I hadn’t had one of those moments since I was, well, in middle school.  Oh well, I guess it’s one of those “you had to be there” kind of things.  “how do you want it?”  hehehehehe….I can think of a couple of ways!  I’m such a perv!

I’m <this> close to throwing in the towel.  I’ve had it.

I can’t even find the words to properly describe my frustration with my life lately.  I want help.  I want my kids’ dad to fking step up and take care of shit.  Take the kids away from me every once in a while.  I can’t do this.  I’m losing my g-d mind.  Homework, projects, daycare, clothes, meals, mommy, mommy, mommy.  It’s never ending.  Yes, I’m frustrated.  And fk whoever thinks I’m a weaker person for admitting it.  I WILL get through this and I WILL come out shining and the project WILL be kick ass and I’ll figure out my finances, but DAMNIT, I can rant about it in the process because getting it out is the only thing that will keep me sane.

I’m walking out of the library, frustrated because it’s late, it’s cold, it’s raining and I don’t have cash to pay for the print-outs and they don’t take debit cards.  The circles under my eyes are big and dark because I’ve stayed up late the past few couple of days.  I’m exhausted and it shows.  I looked cute all day, but at that moment when I’m walking out, I feel the hell of the last couple of days weighing me down.  And who do I see as I’m walking out?  Of course it’s him and his girlfriend.  Looking as merry as ever, with NO FKING KIDS.   No, her kids are who knows where and he can’t take care of his/mine because of some lame ass excuse or another.  WHY???

A great friend of mine hit me with reality this morning.  I was wondering to myself, and to him on gchat as well I suppose, “Why would a guy NOT want to date me?”  Yes, it was a moment of self-absorption, but my friend was quick to burst it.  You have BAGGAGE.  An ex who isn’t worth the air that he breathes, no degree, and two kids.  It will take a strong man to want to take on raising two kids that aren’t his.  SAY WHA?!  I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way.  Maybe because I’m not looking for a baby daddy replacement, or a husband, or anything more than a companion at this point.  My kids don’t need a dad.  They have one.  And financial matters aside, a great one at that.  Yes, contradiction is my strong point.  But fuck.  I’m tired of being lonely.  I’m tired of not having someone there to share MY life with.  Maybe not every aspect, but most of it.

-Maybe- I need to stay away from emotionally unavailable men.  Maybe I need to stay away from men altogether.  But c’mon, how many times have you heard me say that???

But this is what I do.  I let everything build up, get frustrated as fuck, let it all out, and then everything is right again.  This is how I manage to function.  It’s a scary thought.  All my breakdowns are neatly chronicled in a web page accessible for the world to see.  But at the same time, it’s a bit freeing.  Maybe, I just need to write more.

And thank you to the person who inspired the title to this post.  I hope my crazy streak hasn’t scared you off too much.

First, I just need to say, it’s gonna be ok.

This weekend was a good one, but one I’d rather forget.  I’m looking at some things irrationally and with blinders on and I know this but can’t seem to stop myself.  Women are catty, spiteful creatures.  I just didn’t think this one was.  Oh well.  Lesson learned.

Apparently, I’m going to be cooking a turkey this Thanksgiving.  I know.  I’m scared too.  I asked M if she would rather me just take them out to eat somewhere for Thanksgiving and she outright refused.  She’s so domestic.  I have no freakin’ clue where she gets that from. 

I decided this morning that I’m not going to let anyone make me feel guilty about shit anymore.  I can only do so much.  The things that matter are taken care of and the rest is just extra. 

My little man’s birthday is on Thursday.  He’s so excited!  He’s been counting down the days since last month.  I’m looking forward to five days spent with my babies sitting on the couch and playing Super Mario Bros on the Wii. 

At some point during these said five days, I have to stop procrastinating and work on M’s science project.  We’re baking lollipops.  I don’t do science and I don’t do cooking so this should be interesting. 

Ok, I’m gonna go and try to get through the rest of this day without bitching anyone out. 

Five things I need to remember today:

• I don’t owe anyone a damn fucking thing.  If they’re upset, then too fucking bad.
• As Courtni always says, I am NOT the ONE.  So quit fucking testing me.
• Material things are just that, things. 
• Someone should only get away with pulling this shit so many times before you finally cut them out of your life.  Just because you call someone a “friend” doesn’t really mean they are.
• It’s gonna be ok.

I want:

• milk
• cookies
• better-than-sex cake
• a glass or two of wine
• a deli sandwich with turkey pastrami, guenoa salami & jalapeno jack cheese
• an ice cold coke (almost frozen to slushy-like consistency)
• a dos xx michelada
• these kids to go to sleep and get up out my face
• a droid phone
• a mani/pedi/massage
• an all about me day
• to go shopping for new lingerie
• for this semester to be done with
• to dissapear for a day or two

I’m obviously hormonal and this bitch of a day hasn’t helped.  Mother Nature can suck it.

There are very few people left on my “I don’t hate your face right now” list.  I’ve been on the war path all day so if I’m still talking/texting/emailing you, consider yourself special because even the bff and the fam caught my bitch-assness today.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll level out because Mother Dear has decided to make me take the kids to the carnival and come with.  That should be interesting.  Thank goodness for happy pills.