First and foremost, check out the new links on my side bar. There are new Buy Stuff links and a couple of new blog links.

So there is a great deal going on in the world of Wicked. For the most part, all is great. I was finally able to get my contract scanned and sent over to XoXo Publishing. It took a minute to get the time together and my damn scanner working so I kinda started to panic like they might want to take it away because I freaking procrastinated. *phew*

So that is done. *squeeeee*

I don’t know what this means though. Like, what is the next step? What do published authors actually do?!

Anyway, I hit a huge goal at work this last month. I am still a tad in disbelief that I did it; you know, going back to the whole scared of success business I go through every day. I am getting better at believing each and every day.

What this has done for me is afewfold.

Every month I feel more invested in our team. It’s crazy but we are a bunch of vulgar and inappropriate nerds and we all (for the most part) click together. When we are on, we are hot. Anyway, as I wes saying … as I get more invested, I get more team territorial. Meaning, when someone is acting like an asshole … I take it kinda personally.

I am not a fan of bad attitude. Like bad attitude where you are your only concern and everyone else can fuck off. Where you try and act as if you are above everyone else, to the point where it is borderline disrespect. The way I roll is that I am all in. If I am going to spend the bulk of my day away from the 3 most important people in my life, I am not going to half-ass it or disrespect it. And I don’t think that anyone else should either. Mainly because it affects me too when you are a fucking beeyotch.

Attitude is everything. It makes and breaks … and the line that attitude teeters on to either make or break … is a fucking thin one.

I don’t like this “I am better than you attitude” in my presence. It makes me want to chicken choke a bitch.

This is my stance on it:

If you think you should be running the show, and you are not … maybe that is for a reason.
If you need to name drop to make yourself feel better … maybe you should find an alternative soothing method.
If you cannot spend an extra 10 minutes of your important little life in order to be a part in a really awesome moment with a really awesome team … maybe you should find a new job.

Maybe … just maybe … you should look up the definition of team and then see if you can comprehend exactly what in the hell it means to be a contributor on it.

In other news, Charli’s blatant refusal to use the potty has since had a turn around. She has officially stopped freaking the hell out every time we bring it up. Now, when I ask … she goes. The next step is getting her motivated to tell us, without us having to ask her eleventy million times an hour.

Annnnnnnnd today she pooped! For the first time! YAY!

Other than that, I have got nothin’. Nothin’ but a new month where I am going to work my ass off to hit my goals. I have my eyes on the prize and I am ready to make it consistent achievement every single month.

What is new with you?!

If you could be famous (a household name), what would you like to be famous for?
If you could go back to any moment in history, where would you go?

Dear New Guy,

If you keep that attitude up, I promise you won’t last. When a person says hello to you, it might behoove you to fucking acknowledge them. Especially being that you are the new guy. The rookie. The green one. I don’t know and really don’t care if you worked here before or know someone who works here. We are family on this team. Find the place in it where you fit or get the fuck on.

Word?

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Dear Fucking Douchebag,

I am beyond disgusted with what you did to my friend. I am almost positive that I have never known of a more fucked up situation where a supposed friend takes complete advantage in a time of grief. You are going straight to motherfucking hell for this.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Charli,

I had a crappy day and making silly faces with you made me feel so much better.

I love you.

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Dear Courtni,

You need to get it together. Seriously. This lack of confidence is fucking bullshit and furthermore, it isn’t YOU to not have any. What is wrong with you? Figure it the fuck out already before I slap the shit out of you.

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Dear Arch Enemy,

Everywhere I go, I am convinced we will meet face to face again. Then the communication between yours and mine on a more frequent basis nails yet another in the coffin of what is going to happen.

This time though, there will be no bitch moves. Nope. What is going to happen is that you are going to get yours for the fakeness that you are. Your fake happy little life is about to get revealed. I cannot wait to clown you.

And, once and for all you will be put in your fucking stupid fake place.

Know that.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Henrysan,

You are hands down the sweetest guy I know. I can’t wait til I am able to spoil you a lil bit like you spoil your friends.

Thanks for being such a great friend to me. I don’t think I tell you enough.

Oh and PeeEss: OPEN EYE!

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Dear You,

God you are such a moody baby sometimes.

———————————————————————————————————————–
Dear Fat Girl,

Stop taking over my normal thought process. I DO NOT WANT A CHEESEBURGER. K?

Wicked
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Dear D,

I am so appreciative of you. I hope you know it.

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Dear X,

Please keep up the effort. I know you aren’t perfect … but I am happy to have had no calls from the principal in a week. I love you no matter what but I like you that much more when you aren’t in trouble.

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Now … for the Eye Candy

Jensen Ackles. Who IS this guy? I just started looking for hotties because I am out of ideas and NO ONE HAS SUGGESTED ANY (hinthint) and he popped up. Yum.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Mila Kunis. I <3 her.

Alright ladies and gentleman … you know the drill!

Purge your weeks frustrations in the form of open letters so that you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekends!

This weekend got me thinking about how much of an impact 1 simple decision can have on everything you do.

Example:

My decision to not deal with D being gone. I made an unconscious decision to just fucking ignore it.

When I got there, it hit me. I haven’t missed someone so much in my whole life like I missed him on Friday night. My right side was vacant. My heart was heavy. I tried my damnedest to play it off but seeing everyone with their significant others stung. With each sting … I made the decision to drink more.

Before I knew it …

I acted like an asshole. I drank too much. I cried like a little girl. I got cut off at the bar for the first time in my whole life. I broke a glass. I forgot a lot of the evenings events. I then made a decision to drive home which then led me to the decision to pull over in some random parking lot and pass out.

Right?!

This decision also led to people worrying about me and that makes me sad. I am not the irresponsible one. Anyway, I woke up on Saturday and wanted to crawl into a hole and just disappear from the world.

What did I say? Who did I say it to? Did I do anything overly embarrassing?

Ahhh… decisions, decisions.

We all make decisions to or not to do things.

Do I make the decision to punch that new work bitch in her face?
Do I make the decision to eat that cheeseburger that I really want to eat?
Do I make the decision to … do that … ?

Because of one bad decision … It dominoed into all of that chaos above. So, now … I have decided to make the decision to stop acting like I am tough all of the time. Because apparently, I am not. I am making the decision to deal with it and not push it out of my mind anymore. Because the next bullshit that happens will be way worse. I know me. That whole business told me about myself.

So. Yeah. As always, I learn the motherfucking hard way.

Have you made any bad decisions lately? How have they affected everything else in your life?
If you could go back and change one decision … one that affected everything in your life … would you? Why or why not?

With that said, it is the same this week as it was last week and the week before that … repeat. Purge your weekly frustrations out on this blog so that you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekends!

Dear Foot,

Really? I mean … R E A L L Y?!

I know that my putting you in stiletto’s on a daily basis for a minimum of 9 hours is maybe something that you might be spiteful for. But … completely giving out on me while in said heels?! While I was walking?! AT WORK NO LESS!?

Fuck. If that wasn’t bad enough, you brought my knee into the hate by scuffing it all up and leaving rug burn on it as if I were the star of some blow job themed porno. (I am not.)

All I am saying is a little warning would be nice.

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Dear Carol,

Thanks for the surprise phone call. I was so happy to have heard your voice today. Love you.

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To My Tarable,

I love you and I am sorry that you are dealing with yet another loss. I know you are trying to fake the “I’m okay” funk but I know you are hurting. Whatever you need … I am there.

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Dear Xavier,

I am proud of you for trying. You are not perfect and that is okay. We are gonna get you back on track. I promise.

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Dear Charli,

God I wish I could bring your daddy back. I know you miss him.

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Dear Vagina,

You are not allowed to take over my ability to make good decisions. No matter how hard you try to convince me. NOT ALLOWED.

Not even if the penis is platinum plated and cums diamonds. (Well maybe then. BUT ONLY THEN.)

K!?
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Dear DumbShit,

We are all so much better off now that you are gone. Like, SO.

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear You,

I just want to fucking SEE it.

————————————————————————————————————–
New Girl,

Um, you must not have had a conversation with Baby Jesus yet. Because if you had … He would have told you specifically that I am not the motherfucking one. And then you would have known not to 1) slow eye roll me when we ACCIDENTALLY bumped into one another … as if it was my fucking fault that your ass is too slow and also kind of as wide ass the doorway. 2) come to my area and try and tell me that I “actually sound good on the phone.” Um … is that supposed to be a compliment? Hello!? Have you ever in your life spoken to another person before in person? Because had you … you might have reconsidered approaching me with some bullshit like that. Because … um … I know that I sound good on the phone. There is no surprise there. Furthermore, you are new. I don’t need a god damn baby jesus bit of advice from some new fucking doormat personality bitch about how my pitch sounds.

Make it through 90 days of employment first. Then you can come to me with some words of wisdom. Until then, keep your commentary AND YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EYEROLLS to yourself.

Capeche?

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Annnnnnnnnnnnnd the Friday Eye Candy!

Boris Kodjoe. Um HELLO HOTTIE. My vagina loves and thanks you.

A classic hottie. Carmen Electra.

If you stumbled upon a genie in a bottle … what would your 3 wishes be? (You cannot wish for more wishes)
If you had a crystal ball … what or who would you look at in it?

It is 12:52 AM and I just spent the past 3 days making shit happen. Meaning, whatever necessary to write my own paycheck. A pretty one too. Because of MY hard work.

Wanna know a secret?

I don’t know if I should tell you.

Alright. Between you and I and the internet, I was | |<-- this close to saying fuck it and walking.

“Good effort Wicked… but you just aren’t cut from that cloth.”
“At least you tried!”
“Way to give it your all!”
“A for effort!”

As much as I am not a quitter … I almost did. I heard all day about what could happen. Thank fucking Baby Jesus that I was able to prove to myself that I absolutely can/could/will motherfucking do it.

It = CREDITS (a shout out to the Dad of my 2 bosses. *wink*)

I was honest and determined and persistent and motherfucking believed that I had it in me … and at the end of the day (literally I drove to get the last deal of the night and made it back to the office with 17 minutes to spare) it happened. I saw for myself what CAN be. Not what it is.

For my department, Tomorrow is the first day of the new year. I have big goals to achieve in this next year professionally. Now that I did it, there really is no other option but to keep on handling business. Not just for myself but for my team. Because that is what we do.

Cheers to a new month and a new year … Most of all cheers to a new career. A bitch is gonna get paid.

If you were stranded on an island, and could have 3 things with you … what would they be?
Wanna make out? Seriously.
Strawberries or Blueberries?

How goes it? What is new?

Life is hectic. I am missing 1/2 of me. He has taken a trip that has left us all kinda in limbo for a 90 day period. Read between the lines. If you know anything about me, you will get it. Furthermore, I am financially fucking strapped. My new job kicks all sorts of ass (i.e. me and Tarable kicking our bosses asses on a consistent basis) but like I have said before, it is slow to start money-wise. Therefore, I am creatively surviving. If you know of any ways to make money (other than selling my pretty vagina which again if you know anything about me I am not necessarily opposed to, given the circumstances) and legitimately please let me know. Thanks.

Moving on.

What is most awesome about my job is the limitless fun we have. Granted, there are a couple of people that I would absolutely LOVE to 1) punch in the face and 2) see get fired or 3) quit but that goes with any job.

Especially MakesHerOwnClothes broad. That bitch has no clue. None. She consistently assumes that I am in fact the motherfucking one when I am actually NOT the one. Like, so not the one that it isnt even funny. She runs around thinking she is so fucking great, when in all honesty, she is so far from great that it is comical.

It took me everything not to fuck her up on Monday. Why do ignorant people get to pull off the dumbest fucking things and GET AWAY WITH IT?!

Example: I am mid conversation when she runs up and elbows me out of the way, INTERRUPTS my conversation only to start a conversation with the person I was having a motherfucking CONVERSATION WITH.

Um. Really?

1) I was in front of the HR office.
2) I need my job.
3) It would be kinda silly to beat her ass in the middle of my place of employment.

Even thought I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally fucking wanted to. Like, R E A L L Y.

/sigh.

It sucks being an adult sometimes. Given my temper. Given my complete and total gangsterness that pumps through my veins on a daily motherfucking basis.

Sometimes. I. Just. Want. To. Freely. Beat. The. Shit. Out. Of. Stupid. Bitches.

She is lucky that I have 2 little baby bird’s mouths to feed. She is also really lucky that I respect my bosses and value their opinions as much as I do. This takes me back to my blog about adulthood and how sometimes it would really be nice to have a free punchabitchintheface card. Or a day a year where you can just punch people freely in the face and have absolutely NO consequences.

Who is with me?

I motherfucking thought so.

Who would YOU like to punch in the face right now?

When is the last time you played the air guitar?
What’s the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
Have you ever called out the wrong name while having sex?

*sigh*

I am freaking the fuck out.

I took a risk leaving the boring, mundane, non-challenging place of employment that I was financially secure at for my new job. A biiiiiiiig risk. A if-I-dont-make-money-we-live-in-my-car risk. But the risk was one that if I was even remotely worried about my success at it… I probably wouldn’t have taken.

Not because I doubt my abilities. Because I am responsible for 4 fucking people. That is a huge god damned responsibility.

The deal is that my old job sucked. I may have known how much money I was making every 2 weeks … but it literally made me want to shoot myself in the face. That is how god damned non-challenging and boring it was. I H A T E D I T. My new job? I love. Other than the cunt that I hate … (andyouknewtherewasgonnabeoneofthosebitches) I love all of my co-workers. I love the dynamic. The jokes. The laughs and most of all I adore my bosses. It is a place that I actually look forward to spending a bulk of my time at on a daily basis.

I know. It is unheard of to love your job.

Not to mention the fact that I sell happiness every day. Yeah I said it: I sell happiness.

How many people can walk into work, punch the clock and know that the product for sale is making memories with their loved ones? That they sell smiles? That the pictures of happy kids on the beach is because *they* got them there?

Right. Not many people can actually say that. Well, *I* can. The problem is that selling happiness is harder than it sounds in this blog. People are fucking open sores of negativity. Pus-filled abscesses of negative energy. Sometimes, regardless of how excited you are … how happy … how much you believe in something to be so great … Sometimes it is not enough.

If someone doesn’t believe it, then I don’t get paid. Meaning, if I fuck up a call … and a person says no … I lose money. Meeeeeeeeaning, sometimes I have spent all day believing enough for the both of us… I have worked for free. I honestly never expected this to be as hard and as emotionally draining as it is. Every single day. I am absolutely not bitching about it. Simply put: I am living a complete lifestyle change right now, and it is freaking me out.

Did I mention that I was freaking out? I haven’t said much before because I am trying to smile my way through it … and you know … not succumb to the negative cesspool of people that are attempting to consume our society … but we are coming to the deadline and … well … shit is not that great. Financially. Will it get better? Fucking aye. I hope so.

Actually. Fuck that.
Yes. It will get better.
Yes. I will be successful.
Yes. I will rock this risk and not regret it.

But I am going to have to work my ass off for it to get better. Never in my life have I had to work this hard. Soooo the conclusion is that I am going to appreciate the success that much more.

Because I have earned it.

Not because it was given to me.

With that said, I am poor so this is a shameless plug to go and support me and buy my book. It is a great book and … well … hell I need all of the extra money I can get.

Thanks.

What have you been less than honest about this week?

What is the best compliment that you have ever recieved?
Have you ever played naked Twister or any other game naked?
Do you scrunch or fold your TP?

I guess someone told me, didn’t they?

I am going to do the following things in this blog:

1) Blow a teeny bit of smoke up my own ass.
2) Rant.

Someone said this to me. A person who I don’t speak to. Someone who does not have the repertoire with me to just make a joke like that. So she was seriously saying that she 1) did not think I was funny and 2) that I think that I am funny but that I am really not funny.

Um.

(This is the blowing smoke up my own ass part.)

Actually, I AM really funny. Like, HA HA funny. I pride myself on making jokes and poking fun with the people that I care about. Shit, even people that I don’t really care about. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good when I can make another person chuckle/giggle/snort when they are having a bad day.

I said in return to this unsolicited statement: “Oh I am funny. I know that much is true.” (good one, right?)

(and then the rant.)

For someone who doesn’t even know me to say that all of this time that I have spent confident in my funny demeanor has been just me in my own head … is … fucking offensive and totally uncalled for! Especially given the context of the conversation, the fact that not a single person in it was even acknowledging her presence OR the fact that … really?? No one even asked her.

What I think is funny is that sometimes … more often than not lately … people assume that I am the one. The one who won’t stand up for herself. The one who will just smile and nod and take someone’s shit. The one who will be talked to like she is half of a person.

The one who will get cut off on the motherfucking freeway and NOT pull out my legaltopurchaseatWalmartifIamover18 shotgun and point it directly at their motherfucking faces while still doing 75 on I405.

All I am saying is that I may or may not have pulled my Walmart shotgun out on a bitch for less.

I get that not everyone will like me, that not everyone will always think that I am awesome. Bitch you are the least liked bitch in the establishment. How do you like THEM apples? Huh?! HUH?!?! How about next time though, recognize game? Because what I look like on the outside has no bearing on the venom that comes from within my Wicked little soul.

I will run motherfucking circles around you. While making motherfuckers laugh. SIMULTANEOUSLY.

SAY SUMPIN!

If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of candle, would you do it?
If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for?
Do you watch porn? How would you react if you walked in on your significant other watching porn?

Lets cut the bullshit and jump right into the open letters for the week.

You know the drill: Vent all of your bullshit for the week so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.

Dear You,

I am sorry that you hate your wife. It is kinda sad that you do because you are a catch and she is not cute. I still want to see it. You know what I want to see.

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Dear Broad-Who-Makes-Her-Own-Clothes,

Just because there is a pattern for it, doesn’t make it cute.

Just because you think you are cute, doesn’t make it true.

Just because you USED to be a stripper, doesn’t mean that it is appropriate to dress like that in a corporate environment.

Your voice sounds like someone denied you the right to not have sinus issues. You sound like a foreign Fran Drescher.

P.S. YES. I was totally making fun of your throwback hot pink 1994 TLC-esque outfit equipped with suspenders. All you were missing was some condoms.

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Dear Think-You-Are-Slick,

I have one of you. You are not close to cute, and pee essI don’t have any desire to see your cock. I don’t. I just play you to get what I want.

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Dear Vagina,

What is wrong with you? Get in gear. I need you right now more than ever.

————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Kanisha,

I think that you should give it up, I’ve had about enough, it’s not hard to see the boy is mine.

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Baby Jesus,

You and I are arch enemies. Officially. I told you. I. AM. NOT. THE. ONE.

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Xavier,

Heh. Keep fucking with me. I dare you. No. I beg you. You think that you are slick. However you continuously get fucking caught. Maybe this time, learn a lesson. Because I am not playing with you about this.

I. Will. Whoop. Your. Ass. Off. Of. Your. Body.

Say I wont.

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Tarable had a letter too:

Dear Ditching Douchebag,

Really?

My vagina rains diamonds and sings beautiful music when it cums. How dare you ditch me, not once but twice?! Men beat down my door to have a taste of this infamous stalker creating vagina. Like a magic bean-stalk. If you think you are hot enough to get away with some madness like this, you are high.

Oh wait. I think you might already be high.

Regardless of the fact that I want to put it in my mouth, you are not going to win this game.

I win. Period.

I would rather not fuck anyone forever, then let you think that you can ditch me and then fuck me on your convenience. K?

It took all of my stubbornness in the history of tarable horny stubbornness to tell you no to some hotdickinmyvagina from you tonight. But I did it. Because you do not get to ditch me and then still fuck me. K?

How about, come over when you say you will on a consistent basis. What are we 17 again? Act like a man, not a teenage boy.

Furthermore, stop fondling me at work. It is tacky. I am not that bitch. And dont text me about being that bitch either because, just like my best friend Wicked says … I am in fact NOT THE ONE.

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Without further ado— Our Friday Eye Candy is a double feature.

First up, the beautiful Scarlett Johansson:

Next? Charlize Theron:

When you were in school, did you speak up in class? Did you sit in front or the back?
Do you wear jewelry? What is your favorite type of jewelry to wear?
If you could drive any car for a day, what would it be?

** LAST MINUTE LETTER ***

Dear Chelsea,

Congrat’s mama! You are gonna be a great mommy.

I cannot wait to smell him.

Let me tell you … I get to watch …

People interacting with other people.

People interacting with themselves. Yes in that way too. I may or may not enjoy watching masturbation. (No this doesn’t mean that I have watched someone at my new POE masturbate.)

People having (insert air quotes) secret interactions.

People being catty fucking bitches to other people when they think that people aren’t people observing them. (hypothetically speaking)

The best part? That people have no idea when and where I get my observe on. I am that slick. No lie. Ever since I was little, I have had the ability to eavesdrop/people watch unnoticed. Undetected. If we have been in the same general vicinity ever in life I probably have done it to you without even realizing it.

It is like my brain never stops.

For instance: I know that this one broad l o a t h e s this other broad that I know. Like, drinks a big glass of haterade every morning with her name on it. Whenever the one broad isn’t looking, this broad is all kinds of ‘ihateyoubitch’ eyeballing her. And then smiles in her face all cheeky-like.

The funniest thing about this is that the catty broad doesn’t fucking know. What specifically doesn’t she know, you ask?

1) That the other broad is not the one
2) That neither am I
3) That catty-ness is not cool.
4) That if she continues to be a cunt I will most likely tell her about herself.

Also, I am absolutely in the know when a person wants to stick their penis into someones vagina. I thoroughly enjoy watching this kind of interaction between 2 people. It is like watching 2 sticks rub together, trying to make a friction fire.

Not only that but I also know what size the penis is without seeing it. Tarable can cosign. Furthermore, I pretty much picture what every person I meet ’s privates when I see them. That, and them having sex too.

I know right!!!!!? I haz talents.

With that said, I am taking my random ass thoughts to bed with me. I need to rest my head in order to give 150% at work tomorrow. Apparently 110% doesn’t work in this business.

What is your name spelled backward?
What is your favorite pizza topping?
Have you ever ordered something off of an infomercial? If so, what?