Wicked Facts
Dec 2, 2009 DUH, Etc., Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions, bitch
I have this thing in my head called a brain. Inside of it holds many interesting thoughts and questions. If brains were famous people… mine would be a mix between Weird Al, Madonna, and Awesome-O.
I secretly hate penguins. All birds actually. Penguins are dirty ugly birds just like all of the other birds in the world and I cannot fucking fathom how people are all “OMGLOOKATTHEPENGUINITISSOCUUUUUUUUUUTE!” at the zoo. Cute at the zoo is a tiger. Not a waddling bird.
I only like the crispy outside of cookies. The gooey centers make me pukey. Other gooey centers… well… Heh.
I picture people fucking. When I meet someone, I almost always pick their favorite position out and visualize them doing it in the first 45 seconds. For most of you, this is not new information.
I have an uncanny talent for calling out penis size without ever even seeing it. I think I have been wrong 2 times out of the bajillion I have called out. (the best thing is seeing the guys face when I am right)
I lie to bill collectors. Even when it isn’t necessary.
I have really bad skin. On my face anyway. I am super self conscious about it.
I am also self conscious about my breath. I am constantly making sure that I am not the one with stank breath because I have a seriously high sense of smell and there is nothing worse than a motherfucker with bad breath all up in your face.
Sometimes, I like to pretend that I am an evil villain, mid plot for taking over the world. Sometimes I even evil laugh to myself to make it more realistic.
I eat pear halves from the middle out cause they remind me of vaginas.
I steal spices from the grocery store. Always.
I like submissive sex. Fuck me, suck me, beat me baby! (Again. Not new information for most.)
I AM too proud to beg.
I tend to talk to myself.
I DO NOT answer myself though. That is the difference between crazy and not crazy. (shutup)
I absolutely will only watch one news channel and one news channel only. I may or may not freak out if I am stuck with some GMA rather than the Today show in the mornings. Being on vacation completely fucks with me in regard to this issue. I like to have the news on while starting my day and when it is some weird looking bitch from another region … it throws me off a little. (shut up)
I am obsessed with 3 key things. Name them. If you know me, this will be easy. If you don’t … well … good luck. Heh.
Say the first thing that comes to your mind after reading the following words:
Snuggle
Heart
Marshmallow
Smack
Colloquy
Perpendicular
Hollow
Marker
Tags: aint to proud to beg, Living Wicked, TLC, wicked
Mean People Suck.
Nov 9, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, bitch
I think that it is karma. Karma against me because I used to be one of these mean people.
How is it that I get all of the mean cunts on the phone?
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work!”
Cunt#1: “Why are you yelling?”
Me: “I am sorry, I am not yelling. It must be my headset.”
C#1: “Whatever you are selling I am not buying.”
Me: “How do you know I am selling anything.”
C#1: “I can tell by your enthusiasm.”
Me: “So someone enthusiastic is a sales person?”
C#1: “I said I am not buying.”
Click. Er. ?
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work! How are you today?”
Cunt #2: “I am busy.”
Me: “Well can I schedule a time to speak to you at a time when you are not busy?”
Cunt #2: “No. I would like to know why you are calling me because you assholes keep bugging me.”
Me: “Oh we are bugging you?”
Cunt #2: “Yes. I am sick of the calls.”
Me: “Well, Cunt #2, I was offering you a free whateveritisthatIsell but since we are such a bother, I will offer it to someone else.”
Cunt #2: “A free whateveritisthatyousell?”
Me: “Too late. Have a nice day.”
Click. Mmhm.
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work! How are you doing!?”
Cunt #3: “Mmmmhm. I am aight.”
Me: “Just aight? Anything I can do?”
Cunt #3: “You can get to the point.”
Me: “Sounds good. Listen I needed to talk with you about some really awesome changes that have happened with Where I Work. These changes will directly affect you in the following ways:”
Cunt #3: “Didn’t I say to get the point already?! What the fuck do you want?”
Me: “I wanted to give you a free whateveritisthatIsell, Cunt #3 … but apparently you are not interested in that free whateveritisthatIsell. Have a wonderful rest of your day.”
Click.
And finally:
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work!”
Cunt #4: “Oh HELL no.”
Click.
Let me fucking tell you AGAIN THAT I AM NOT THE ONE.
NOT
THE
ONE
NOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Who do people think they are? Do people REALLY talk to others that way? I mean, I am a cunt if I am provoked. But if someone calls me all perky styles … in a NON TELEMARKETING FASHION … I do not have it in me to be a cunt!
How about if you knew how pretty and awesome and gangster I was, you would be A LOT NICER TO ME.
I am just saying.
What song do you hate the most?
What color are your bed sheets?
Would you rather be a fish or a bird? Why?
What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
You Just Think That You Are Funny.
Oct 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, bitch
Well then.
I guess someone told me, didn’t they?
I am going to do the following things in this blog:
1) Blow a teeny bit of smoke up my own ass.
2) Rant.
Someone said this to me. A person who I don’t speak to. Someone who does not have the repertoire with me to just make a joke like that. So she was seriously saying that she 1) did not think I was funny and 2) that I think that I am funny but that I am really not funny.
Um.
(This is the blowing smoke up my own ass part.)
Actually, I AM really funny. Like, HA HA funny. I pride myself on making jokes and poking fun with the people that I care about. Shit, even people that I don’t really care about. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good when I can make another person chuckle/giggle/snort when they are having a bad day.
I said in return to this unsolicited statement: “Oh I am funny. I know that much is true.” (good one, right?)
(and then the rant.)
For someone who doesn’t even know me to say that all of this time that I have spent confident in my funny demeanor has been just me in my own head … is … fucking offensive and totally uncalled for! Especially given the context of the conversation, the fact that not a single person in it was even acknowledging her presence OR the fact that … really?? No one even asked her.
What I think is funny is that sometimes … more often than not lately … people assume that I am the one. The one who won’t stand up for herself. The one who will just smile and nod and take someone’s shit. The one who will be talked to like she is half of a person.
The one who will get cut off on the motherfucking freeway and NOT pull out my legaltopurchaseatWalmartifIamover18 shotgun and point it directly at their motherfucking faces while still doing 75 on I405.
All I am saying is that I may or may not have pulled my Walmart shotgun out on a bitch for less.
I get that not everyone will like me, that not everyone will always think that I am awesome. Bitch you are the least liked bitch in the establishment. How do you like THEM apples? Huh?! HUH?!?! How about next time though, recognize game? Because what I look like on the outside has no bearing on the venom that comes from within my Wicked little soul.
I will run motherfucking circles around you. While making motherfuckers laugh. SIMULTANEOUSLY.
SAY SUMPIN!
If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of candle, would you do it?
If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for?
Do you watch porn? How would you react if you walked in on your significant other watching porn?
Tags: confrontation, inappropriate, rant, rude, venom, wicked, work
