Today is Tuesday
Nov 24, 2009 DUH, Etc., Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
Or the 13th day since I have seen D.
Or 77 days until I get to see him again.
Or another work day. (at least it is not my last day)
Although it could be someones last day … somewhere.
Which would arguably mean that it would also be someone’s first day as well.
It is also the day that my cat woke me up at 6:30 to let his whiny ass out.
That may or may not be every day though.
Today I wish it was my birthday.
Or today could be another special day if I wished it hard enough.
Maybe today is a special day and I just don’t know it yet.
Today someone is falling in love.
One could also mention that today someone is telling someone that they are not in love with them anymore.
Today I caught up on my favorite blogs.
Today I considered finding a poor sap to use him for his member because I really really really really really want to have the sex.
I then considered the fact that I am married and it probably wouldn’t be a nice thing to do.
So then I diddled.
Then I decided that I am going to buy myself a new vibrator.
Today I got a letter from D. I haven’t read it yet.
Today I realized how poor I actually am.
And then I remembered where I work and how that fact is only temporary.
I still cried about it though.
And then I felt empowered.
Today I am sad and lonely.
I also feel like jumping off of a building.
Or finding a hole to crawl into.
Or both.
Today I am mad.
Although a good music-filled house cleaning should help all that.
And another diddle before work. Heh.
What is going on in your world today?
If you could ask me one question, and I was guaranteed to answer it, what would you ask me?
What is your favorite quote today?
OrlyRandomNSheet.
Sep 16, 2009 Current Events, Etc., Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, bitch
Sup?
I honestly thought that my not being able to post every day was going to be this breath of fresh air. I miss my daily banter with you crazy bitches. (Yes I did call you alllllllllllllll bitches.) There is so much happening in Wickedland that I don’t even know where to begin. To be honest, I am so god damned brain dead from all of this new information I am taking in … that I really cannot think straight.
Like, I find myself completely zoned out when I get home. When I say zoned out … I am talking staring at nothing for periods of 5-10 minutes before I or D catches it. I cannot hold a sentence together, nor can I finish one. I am so focused on absorbing the info I need to kick ass at this new job, that my brain has gone into panic mode. I am pretty sure that it is going to start rebelling and go on strike.
I do it all for the nookie … so I know that in the end it will be more than worth all of it. Yaddidah?
Also, either my vibrator is possessed OR it is as moody as I am. Either way, I am almost scared of it. ALMOST. This means I need to buy a new one. One that does not fit inside D’s ear. One that does not sporadically just fucking turn off moments before I need it to be on MORE THAN EVER.
What is my deal with vibrating machines of pleasure? I break them. I mangle them. My vagina almost literally chews them up and spits them out. (Heh. Mental picture. ROFL)
I already know what one I am gonna get. It plugs into the wall for rechargability. No more dead batteries.
Me: (in a baseball referee voice) Hey AA’s … YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!
AA’s: HELL NO! WE WONT GO!
(I told you I was brain dead.)
Annnnnnnnnnyway…
I told you I would answer my own vacation related questions today.
My top 3 vacation locations:
1) Bora Bora. Over water private bungalows that have glass bottom floors that you can open and feed the fish that have private ladders to the ocean. (yes I am aware that it was a run on sentence)
Need I say more?
2) Europe. Specifically Spain, France, Italy & Greece. I want to roam like the B52’s freaking sing about.
3) NYC. With no budget. With no schedule. Just me and Central Park. Just me and Matt Lauer. Just me and bootleg purses from street vendors. Just me and Broadway. Just me and Harlem. Just me and Ms. Liberty. Just meeeeeeeeeeeeee and my I <3 NY Tshirt, foam fucking finger/Statue of Liberty hat, a cool cab driver, touristy locations and some true to NYC food.
Most importantly, just me and THIS guy.
There you have it. A story about my vibrator and where I want to travel. With that, I must pass the fuck out.
Uhm. Yeah.
What do you think is the sexiest feature on a man/woman/both? Why?
What food would you rather starve than eat?
Tags: baseball, Bora Bora, greece, italy, masturbate, matt lauer, nyc, rechargable battery, referee, spain, times square, vibrator
TMIThursday: stickitinyerear.
Sep 9, 2009 All Things Charli, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, TMI Thursday's, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Hello my TMIT gluttons for punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…
Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
This TMIT will be short and sweet. Ready? OKAY!
Yesterday, D calls me:
D: “Guess how I woke up this morning?”
Me: “How?”
D: “There I was, sleeping peacefully next to your daughter when I woke up to this insanely loud buzzing in my ear.”
Me: “OMG was it a moth?!”
D: “Uhm no. It was not a moth.”
Me: “What kind of bug was it?”
D: “It was not a bug. It was your VIBRATOR. IN MY EAR. INMYEAR!! How do you suppose your daughter got a hold of your vibrator?”
Said Vibrator … only mine is pink. Heh.
Me: (stifling a laugh) “Huh?”
D: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
Me: “It miiiiiight be because I used it last night when I was mad at you and shoved it under my pillow.”
D: “Might be?”
Me: “Is.”
D: “She shoved your vibrator IN MY EAR and was hovered over me, laughing.”
(I am unable to hold in my laughter at this point.)
D: “You think that is funny, don’t you?”
Me: “It is pretty funny.”
D: “No matter how much you clean it, it still smells like your vagina.”
Me: “YOU SMELLED IT?!”
D: “I smell your bras. Same diff.”
Me: “Good point. You whacked off didn’t you?”
D: “Huh?”
Me: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
D: “I miiiiiiiiiiight have pushed one out when she went down for a nap.”
Me: “Might have?”
D: “Did. But not on your side of the bed this time.”
Me: “So considerate.”
There you have it. My daughter knows EXACTLY what to do with a vibrator. I am such a great influence on her, aren’t I? AhhhhhhhhhhhStickitinyerear!
Happy TMIThursday! As always share your own TMIT’s if mine sparks a story of your own!
Tags: bra, bug, marriage, masturbate, moth, ROFL, Stick it in your ear, vagina, vibrator
Good Vibrations
If I had more time, I would get a 2nd job at a sex toy retailer. Shit, If I had the extra money to purchase a franchise… I would. Even in the slowly deteriorating economy, people still need dongs. I hesitate to purchase my adult toys online, because it is hard for me to trust the description alone. Even the user reviews. Not every bitches clitoris gets stimulated the same way that mine does. One persons max vibration is another persons not enough.
I personally need some intense vibrations… ‘Good Vibrations’ if you will. (Courtesy of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch) I dont need a bunch of frilly additives to my vibrator. Basic Black works for me. Heh. There is a pun in there somewhere, for those of you who know me. 
Anyvibe, back to my trip to the vibrator store.
Remember I told you of my massive amounts of orgasmic strength a couple of weeks ago… remember? When I busted my vibrator in half during an intense self pleasure session? Riiight. With the business of school and life, I hadnt made it to purchase any replacements. I used to have a plethora of vibing friends, but all had since broken and never had been replaced since. I have also been cautious of my toy purchases because my availability of proper storage has been little to none. With the kids being all up in the biz… I just would rather not have Charli come trapsing out of my room with my strap-on around her neck.
Get my drift?!
Anyway, this trip had me in bean-flicking heaven. Vibes and Dongs for every taste and size. Flavors upon flavors of oils and condoms… cute little keychain vibes… to big black schlongdongs. <– has one of those in real life… heh.
Soon after crossing the pearly gates into sex heaven, I was approached by one of the store associates who was all up in my face about “cute shoes this and omg i love your hat that”. Bitch, I dont need compliments. I came here to buy something… so you are guaranteed whatever % commission you get off of my purchase. No, I dont need to look at panties. I dont wear any. Thank you but I am sure that those clear heels would absolutely NOT look good with my outfit. Do I look like a stripper to you?!
Didnt think so.
When I finally DID look up to see her face in my face, I noticed this monsterous sore on her lip. ACK! What the fuck? I am fully aware of non-std imposed cold sores. I have had a few in my day. But you wont catch me at work in some other bitches face with one. No thank you. I know I am not interested in HAVING it, let alone SEEING another persons.
How about getthefuckoutofmyface. KThx.
She saw me perusing the beautiful glass dongs in the display case. I have always wanted my own piece of glass in my collection. The first time I had ever even seen a glass dong was with my first girl-on-girl experience. She fucked me so good with that special piece of equipment… that It has remained on my own personal wish-list ever since. I have just never wanted to spend $100 on a sex toy.
Not sure how you feel about glass? Picture the hardest possible cock. Times that by 50. There you have it. Paired with your favorite vibrator, or fuck buddy… you are money baby.
Anywet, SoreLip handed me a 50% off any item coupon. Heh. You bet this bitch bought herself a new glass plaything. And a pretty pink storage case with a briefcase lock to store it and all of my toys, lubes, and vibes in. Now my rugrats cannot discover the joys of masturbation at too early of an age.
New Dong: Check.
New Vibe: (and not the Pontiac) Check Check.
New Locked Storage Case: CheckCheckCheck.
Wicked is a happy beesh.
Have you ever used glass dongs?
What would you consider a worthy business venture?
Have you ever had your sex toy stash discovered by someone you would prefer didnt know your fetishes?
Happy Masturbating!!!
Tags: cold sore, commission, discount, marky mark and the funky bunch, masturbation, pontiac vibe, sex toy, sex toy store, stash, strap-on, unwanted discovery, vibrator
Build Your Own Vibrator
My vibrator is dead.<– not the first time this has happened to me.
I have had:
1) The wire come loose so you have to hold it in a certain position to get the shit to work
2) The back mysteriously come up missing, so I have had to duct tape the batteries in.
3) The egg part come clean off the wires.
Yeah. A bitch gets down with the vibrating egg. My TOC (toy of choice) if you will.
Never in my masturbating life has the shit just broken in half in my hands before. DURING A SESSION!!! I mean, the plastic is in 2 pieces. And the part that controls the speed is on the half that is no longer connected to the wiring.
How does this happen?!?
I need to not buy the $14 vibrating eggs anymore. I need to get the one that is like $50, with a 1 year, 100,000 orgasm warranty on it and a 24 hour call center that is there specifically for my vibrator trouble shooting needs.
It should be wireless. Remote controlled, or better yet, mind controlled. Yeah. A telepathic fucking clit stimulator. The speed and intensity should auto adjust to the level of my arousal. It shouldnt let me control it. It should tease me a little. It needs to have an ‘o’face sensor that backs off when it is about to hit just enough times to piss me off in a good way… and then give me exactly what I need at the exact time I need it.
*pondering* Yeah…..
My vibrating egg should creep up on me when I am sleeping to give me a surprise ‘o’.
If I have been naughty, maybe my egg will punish me.
Maybe, that little bugger will form a tongue and give me much needed tongue lashings every night like warm chocolate chip cookies and milk.
Or maybe, just maybe… Charli will lose her ‘anything sexual’ radar and let me get a nightly dick down for cryeye.
Yeah right.
Tonight, I celebrate the long and appreciated lifespan of my one eyed, 5 speed, vibrating purple egg clit stimulator. You served me well my friend. RIP.
What features would you bling your vibrator out with, if you had a build your own option?
Any links or suggestions on a new, upgraded model? Wicked is in the market for a new one.
Share your vibrator horror stories… or comedic ones.
Tags: build your own, duct tape, masturbate, masturbation, o face, toy of choice, vibrating egg, vibrator
