TMIThursday: Of COURSE You Are Hot.
Mar 3, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Welcome to TMIT! Lilu is the founder of the awesome awfulness … so go show her and all of the other TMIT contributors some pukeinyourmouth trainwreckyoucantturnaway love.
This post comes from an anonymous source. I understand why. I wouldn’t want the world to know this about me either. Not because it is the grossest thing ever … but because it is quite possibly the most mortifying thing ever.
Mad props. Maaaaaaaad props and a Ha Ha Ha!
And with that …
So I knew that there was something wrong. I tried the over-the-counter meds. No dice. So I call my local female doc. Yes boys, if you are easily grossed out … you might wanna click the red X in the upper right hand corner.
Pause…
As I was saying.
So the femdoc diagnoses me. It requires some antibiotics. Fuuuuuuuck. So she does me a solid and calls in the prescription. (Thanks for cutting my admission of why I need this antibiotic to the public in half by eliminating the drop off)
The next morning, I shoot over to my local pharmacy all ballcapped the hell up looking scruff-o-matic. No one should know my identity. No one should remember the face of me with this temporary vagina cold. *coughcough*
FORGET MY FACE WORLD! FORGET IT!
I go and whisper my info to the cashier.
Me: “ihaveaprescriptiontopickupforanonymousplease”
Cashier: “WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?!”
Me: “aprescriptionforanonymous”
Cashier: “A PRESCRIPTION FOR ANONYMOUS?!”
Me: “Gahyes!”
Cashier: “You will need to have a consultation from the pharmacist.”
Me: “I think I am good but thanks.”
Casher: “I cannot give it to you without the consultation.”
Me: “Of course you cant. Fine.”
So I walk to the pharmacist’s window. And I wait. And wait. Annnd waaaaaaaaaait.
Pharmacist: “Anonymous?”
Me: (walking over to the window) “Hi”(omgyouarefuckingsohot) <-- to myself
Pharmacist: (with his ocean blue eyes and his stupid sexy Australian accent.) "Hi Anonymous! For your vagina cold, this is a 5 day antibiotic for you to take vaginally (dies) with the cartridges provided (dies). Please make sure and finish all of the antibiotic vaginally (diiiiiiiiiiiiies) and avoid the use of alcohol while taking the antibiotic. (fuck because I really need a drink right now.)"
Me: (mortified has a picture of me next to it in the dictionary.) "Thank you."
I swear to God he winked at me.
There goes probably the one good catch left in the world. I am going to die alone with my cats and my vagina cartridges.
There you have it folks. Mortification defined. Show my anonymous TMITer some love. She needs it.
If you could choose how you were going to die, what would you choose your death to be?
If you could hear what someone is thinking for a day, who would you choose?
Tags: obgyn, pharmacy, tmithursday, vagina
Randomly Observant.
Oct 12, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, I WIN!, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show
I like to observe people. People observation is a big fat WIN in my book. Annnnnnnnnnd, my new POE has given me much to observe.
Let me tell you … I get to watch …
People interacting with other people.
People interacting with themselves. Yes in that way too. I may or may not enjoy watching masturbation. (No this doesn’t mean that I have watched someone at my new POE masturbate.)
People having (insert air quotes) secret interactions.
People being catty fucking bitches to other people when they think that people aren’t people observing them. (hypothetically speaking)
The best part? That people have no idea when and where I get my observe on. I am that slick. No lie. Ever since I was little, I have had the ability to eavesdrop/people watch unnoticed. Undetected. If we have been in the same general vicinity ever in life I probably have done it to you without even realizing it.
It is like my brain never stops.
For instance: I know that this one broad l o a t h e s this other broad that I know. Like, drinks a big glass of haterade every morning with her name on it. Whenever the one broad isn’t looking, this broad is all kinds of ‘ihateyoubitch’ eyeballing her. And then smiles in her face all cheeky-like.
The funniest thing about this is that the catty broad doesn’t fucking know. What specifically doesn’t she know, you ask?
1) That the other broad is not the one
2) That neither am I
3) That catty-ness is not cool.
4) That if she continues to be a cunt I will most likely tell her about herself.
Also, I am absolutely in the know when a person wants to stick their penis into someones vagina. I thoroughly enjoy watching this kind of interaction between 2 people. It is like watching 2 sticks rub together, trying to make a friction fire.
Not only that but I also know what size the penis is without seeing it. Tarable can cosign. Furthermore, I pretty much picture what every person I meet ’s privates when I see them. That, and them having sex too.
I know right!!!!!? I haz talents.
With that said, I am taking my random ass thoughts to bed with me. I need to rest my head in order to give 150% at work tomorrow. Apparently 110% doesn’t work in this business.
What is your name spelled backward?
What is your favorite pizza topping?
Have you ever ordered something off of an infomercial? If so, what?
Tags: i haz talents, masturbate, paris hilton, penis, people watching, Random, vagina, work
TMIThursday: stickitinyerear.
Sep 9, 2009 All Things Charli, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, TMI Thursday's, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Hello my TMIT gluttons for punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…
Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
This TMIT will be short and sweet. Ready? OKAY!
Yesterday, D calls me:
D: “Guess how I woke up this morning?”
Me: “How?”
D: “There I was, sleeping peacefully next to your daughter when I woke up to this insanely loud buzzing in my ear.”
Me: “OMG was it a moth?!”
D: “Uhm no. It was not a moth.”
Me: “What kind of bug was it?”
D: “It was not a bug. It was your VIBRATOR. IN MY EAR. INMYEAR!! How do you suppose your daughter got a hold of your vibrator?”
Said Vibrator … only mine is pink. Heh.
Me: (stifling a laugh) “Huh?”
D: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
Me: “It miiiiiight be because I used it last night when I was mad at you and shoved it under my pillow.”
D: “Might be?”
Me: “Is.”
D: “She shoved your vibrator IN MY EAR and was hovered over me, laughing.”
(I am unable to hold in my laughter at this point.)
D: “You think that is funny, don’t you?”
Me: “It is pretty funny.”
D: “No matter how much you clean it, it still smells like your vagina.”
Me: “YOU SMELLED IT?!”
D: “I smell your bras. Same diff.”
Me: “Good point. You whacked off didn’t you?”
D: “Huh?”
Me: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
D: “I miiiiiiiiiiight have pushed one out when she went down for a nap.”
Me: “Might have?”
D: “Did. But not on your side of the bed this time.”
Me: “So considerate.”
There you have it. My daughter knows EXACTLY what to do with a vibrator. I am such a great influence on her, aren’t I? AhhhhhhhhhhhStickitinyerear!
Happy TMIThursday! As always share your own TMIT’s if mine sparks a story of your own!
Tags: bra, bug, marriage, masturbate, moth, ROFL, Stick it in your ear, vagina, vibrator
mykidsandDneedtocomehometheend.
Jun 16, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions
I have had enough of this kidsDbeinggonebullshit. When I was driving home today I was all sappy-like, planning to blog about how my feeling all funky and cranky and weird wasn’t PMS … it was that I felt lost … or empty without them here.
For the first few days I was elated to be alone with my thoughts … free to do whatever I felt like doing whenever I felt like doing it. Annnnnnnnnnnnd… Tara was all up in my business to keep me busy the whole time. I wonder if she knew that she was doing it. Keeping my mind off of the fact that I inevitably was going to miss the shit out of my kids.
Inevitably happened. Now I miss them and even though I have little things that make me happy for like 5-10 minute incriments (my VEGAS SHOES CAME and WE GOT A NEW PLACE TO LIVE THAT IS COOLER THAN THIS STUPID PLACE and I LOST 10 POUNDS and BOUGHT 2 DRESSES) … they aren’t back to back incriments … so I am on this stupid ride of highs and lows like that one swing ride at the fair. (except that swing is my favorite ride other than the ferris wheel at the fair so it isnt a fair metaphor. boo)
(Someone insert a high/low ride quick before I cry again.)
I am not the only one freaking out. Jackson (kitty face) is pacing the house, looking for any sign of someone other than me. He is entangling himself through my feet, tripping me where ever I go through the house. And then today, he was waiting for the door to open and he ran outside and wouldnt come back in.
Kitty face hates me.
Wanna know who else is freaking out? Miss MyLibido Masturbates-alot.
I tried to think about doing the sex with D all dirty spank me like. (DENIED)
I tried to watch my favorite gangbang porn. (No dice)
I tried to do it while D was talking to me really quick so he didnt notice. (R is for REJECTED.)
Bottom Line: I am pathetic. P – AH – THEH – TIC without my family.
The chaos.
The noise.
The Charli climbing all over me like a jungle gym.
The Xavier’s smart ass mouth. (ooooh he is in trouble when he gets home I will blog about it tomorrow and even though he is I still miss the shit out of him)
The D … everything. (sadface)
Soooo I am a big fat mess of missmykidsandD. I can’t focus and I keep crying so be nice to me or I might end up a puddle of patheticness right at your feet.
Tell me a joke to cheer me up.
Or an inspirational quote.
Or a new pick-up line for Miss MyLibido Masturbates-alot
Or a new porn movie/mag to check out.
Wicked’s Guide to AH-MAZING Cunningulus
May 4, 2009 Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, Wicked Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of., love
I am a tired little minx… and have a shit ton of homework due like last week, so I have found some favorite old blogs to re-post. This is part 1 of 2 instructional blogs on effective oral sex.
If you know of someone in need of a reminder lesson or a lesson in general, pass it on.
*drum roll*
For starters… never, ever go directly to the motherland. A girl likes foreplay.
I know I like foreplay.
* Kiss her, and mean it. To a woman, the kiss is everything. It is more than 2 pairs of lips touching.
* Use your hands. Let your hands show her that she is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Explore every inch of her body, from her fingers to her toes, her plump breasts to her beautiful ass….
* While you are kissing her, work your hands down to her pussy. It should be sopping wet by now. If it isn’t, you didn’t make her feel like the most beautiful woman, so repeat the top two items of business. Take her clit gently between your thumb and forefinger, and massage it. feel it begin to throb, feel the swell of it between your fingers. Deeply penetrate her with your fingers. Explore inside of her, her flesh different than any other flesh you have ever touched before.
* Watch her expressions and her movements… look at her when she smiles. Let her see you looking at her. Play on her reactions…
* Tell her how much you love her body. Whisper it in her ear, while your fingers bring her to her first orgasm. Don’t move your fingers anywhere, until she reaches full climax. (If she likes it, let her lick your fingers….)
Bury your face between her legs, and taste her sweet nectar. The first is always the sweetest.
* Find her clit with your tongue. Suck on it, lick it, nibble on it just a bit…. if you don’t know what makes her crazy, figure it out right now. With women, it is all about paying attention to her reactions to you. Granted, some are less vocal than others, but if you are doing your job, she wont be able to be quiet forever.
* Move your tongue from her clit, tasting her, loving her pussy. Only long enough to tease her a bit, and then move back to her clit– massaging it with your mouth, your nose, and importantly your tongue. As she moves, and moans the more intense your tongue makes love to her.
* Give her the penetration she should be begging you for by now. With your fingers or her favorite toy. You have to make sure that it mirrors what your tongue is doing. The harder you thrust, the harder and faster your tongue should be moving against her throbbing clit.
* Suck on her labia, still finger fucking her while you move back and forth methodically. At this point, your face should be saturated with her secretions.
Don’t give her the big climax just yet. You want to make her beg a little.
* Now, lean back on you knees, and just look at her. My guess is her eyes are closed, her head back…. fists clenched. She will probably open one eye, in a split second of irritation that you took her out of her zone. When she sees you smiling at her expressions, with possibly a wrinkle in her sweat beaded brow… she will instantly forgive you.
* Kiss her. Let her taste how wonderful she is. Let her smell herself on your face, grind your body on her body….
Now is the time for her to let go.
* As ravenous as possible without hurting her; lick, suck, fuck her with your face… your tongue the master. Feel her swelling pussy wrap around your mouth. Feel her clit throb rapidly against your tongue.
* Thrust your fingers (or toy) inside her… driving her to complete and total ecstasy. While she cums, let your face and mouth absorb every last drop of her.
It is possible that she is not all the way done.This is the prime time to penetrate her with your penis/strap-on/favorite toy.
I guarantee that whatever it is will be readily accepted.
Is there a step that I missed?
Anything to add?
What is your favorite part about receiving oral? Giving?
Are you an orally stimulated orgasm person? Penetration stimulated? Both?
Do you like 69? Why or why not?
Stay tuned tomorrow for my instructions on giving good head…
TMI Thursday: Smell My Finger
Apr 15, 2009 Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Wicked Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of.
So I am going to bet a great deal of my paycheck that the contents of this blog will make even the strongest of stomachs will churn.
Consider yourself warned.
In my early days of freaky – deaky Wicked, I chased as much vagina as I possibly could. One might have considered me to be a closet lesbo. In fact, I am pretty sure that it was the consensus of all of D’s friends.
(one of our really good friends actually purchased me a strap-on for Christmas one year. He presented it to me with a speech.)
Anyway, D ran into this broad that he had met years ago. He had tried to hook up with her back then, but they ended up just becoming good friends. Anyway, she started coming around to party with us… and after a great deal of alcohol, she revealed that she was also bisexual.
I immediately turned my radars on.
Was she flirting?
Did she seem like she wanted to makeoutwithmyvagandmore?
Was she laughing with me or at me?
We are about to find out.
One night, we all were meeting up at a party. She came to my house to get ready, and as we were all leaving out, asked did I want to ride in her car? I, of course, did the polite thing and accepted her offer… assuming that I would be one of a few piled into her vehicle.
That’d be a big fat no. It was just the 2 of us.
We stopped to pick up liquor, even though she and I had already been heavily drinking before we left… (PSA Break: Dont Drink and Drive) ... and next thing I knew we were pulled over on the side of I-5 all over each other in the front seat.
She had amazingly full lips. I remember her kisses were soft but aggressive at the same time. I dont really remember her removing my pants, but I obviously was not protesting. She went down on me expertly. I had assumed that she was new to the whole girl-on-girl thing like me but it was obvious that she was a professional.
After I came, and I came HARD… I eagerly went to return the favor. I will remind you that I had not really been with that many women before at this point.
The pants come off. “Woah. She has hair down there.”
Panties. Off. “Hella hair. Like Don King in a headlock… Damn.”
My fingers attempt to mashetti through the forests of her pubic hair… only to reveal a milky white substance against her brown skin. “Hmmm…”
So I go for it. Yes. I did. Stop for a minute and get past that part of it. Ready? No? Okay I will wait a second longer.
Alllllllllrighty then. Moving on.
1) I felt put on the spot
2) I was not sure if it was or was not normal… nor did I smell any fish…
and
3) I was not fully comfortable with sexual discussions at that point in my self discovery.
As soon as the lips were spread though, the funk commenced to burn the hairs out of my nostrils. And I could not bring myself to put my mouth on it. Her vagina looked like a bowl of sour cream dip. And, my lips and tongue took a stand. They refused to have any part of the creamy party favorite that was located between her legs.
“Wicked, what did you do?”
“Did you tell her about herself?”
Unfortunately, I was not who I am today. So no. I did not tell her about herself. Instead, I banged her. I made up some excuse about the gearshift and steering wheel being in the way and how we should probably get going… and banged her til she came. *shudders* All over my fucking hand.
I could not wait to get to a Costco sized bottle of Dial.
As we were driving to the party, I started to ponder whether or not I was being unreasonable. I mean, I hadn’t really put my face in that many vajays at that point… maybe I was being picky…? Maybe some people had drippysnatches like she did. Maybe she was made to look like the appetizing centerpiece of a snack table at your cousin’s wedding shower.
And I was determined to find out.
So we walk into the party. She was happy as a (I cant help it) clam yapping her flap to everyone there. I, however was on a mission. I pulled 2 of my closest guy friends aside and shoved my fingers under their noses.
“Does this smell like a normal vagina!?” I demanded
The raw looks on their faces gave me my answer.
That bitch’s vagina was naaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty.
Happy TMI Thursday People!!!
Do you have any SEX related TMI’s to share?
What would you have done? (make sure to put yourself in my younger, inexperienced and naive at the time shoes)
Tags: car, chips, girl on girl, go down, I-5, party, Sex, sour cream dip, TMI Thursday's, vagina
Breaking Wicked News!
Nov 12, 2008 Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
I AM OFFICIALLY ON THE PATH TO PH-MOTHERFUCKING-BALANCEDNESS!
Yeah shit talkers. Now what are you gonna write blogs and blog comments about now? LMFAO.
Also, if you are a follower of Submissive Confessions, you need to read the following PSA(s):
I am not posting another blog on Myspace. Ever. So going forward, they will be posted here. However, (and this is the important piece. Wake up!) I am not posting until I recieve confirmation that I am fully copyrighted. (which I am in the process of doing right now.)
So.FAQ’s if you will.
No, it isnt going to be months before I post again. We are looking at the latest Monday to be able to read the next chapter.
The projected availability date for purchase is the 8th of December. Truthfully, I would like to do it earlier to give anyone and everyone the opportunity to purchase my book as gifts for family and friends for Christmas! Heh.
And, just to be clear, I am not posting the ending of this story online. You will have to purchase it to read it.
Lastly, A Letter.
Dear Catering Companies,
Not everyone likes mayonaisse on their sandwiches. I personally do not enjoy a mouthful of the nasty white substance that squirted from a breadpour in my provided BLT from my meeting today.
I thank whomever is responsible for paying for this lunch, and I appreciate the effort and thought put into having the limitless sandwich selection for the vegetarians, vegans, health concious groups in our office. Greatly appreciate it. But, have you ever heard of a motherfucking mayo packet? Is it fathomable to you idiots that even those who enjoy the aforementioned mayo squirt to the back of the throat might appreciate the control of how much mayo they get to spread on the bread??? Or even that possibly, mayo makes even the sourest of sourdough soggy after marinating in the packaging for over 5 hours???
My mayo logged bread and tomato do not thank you for this oversight. Neither does the snickerdoodle, apples and bagle w/creamcheese that I vomited up after realizing the amount of mayo I had in-fucking-gested unknowingly and unwillingly.
Fuck off, Mayo Nazis.
Wicked Fuckin’ Game
Feel free to contribute your own letters, and FAQ’s about SC
Tags: christmas present, free, gift, mayo, sandwich etiquette, Submissive Confessions, vagina
my wickedly itchy vagina.
Nov 11, 2008 Random
I think that I am going to kill a bug in a really angry way.
Hurry. Someone go email my boss and tell them that I am mentally unstable. 
I could live without fucking meetings.
I do not need to take an entire hour out of my day to go to a meeting. How about send me a powerpoint presentation on the important bullet points of the meeting. Minus the ‘what ifs’ and ‘hypothetically speakings’. Definitely minus the bullshit unimportant information that is just filler for the hour.
I do not need another person to point out how big my pants are and the fact that they make me look like I have a penis.
Pointing out the negative is not the same as a compliment. Just saying.
Question: Wicked, why are your blogs always about you?
Uhm. Pretty sure that this is my blog, so that gives me the right to write about me.
I wish that I worked at ‘The Office’.
I do not wish I worked at ‘My Current POE’. (That doesnt mean I want to get fired, laid off or ‘let go’ either. A bitch gotta eat)
I need a soul fill-up. I can feel my negative sarcastic ways washing over me like a flesh eating virus.
Apparently working out cures constipation.
If I worked out more often… I am sure I would be less bitchy.
If I could just get one more hour. I wouldnt work out. I would sleep.
So 2 more hours. Just 2 more hours.
I would still sleep.
I am starting a coalition against dumb bitches.That is not directed just at females either. Wicked Against Dumb Bitches. WADB. No. Wicked Against Bitches Who Are Dumb. WABWAD.
YES!!! WABWAD. Who is in?
Oh. What did you say?? What does this blog have to do with an itchy vagina? Because I have one. Yep. My vagina itches.
Why does it itch, you ask? Nope. Not cause I am a dirty non-showering slore. Nope, of course you would think that. Actually, and I quote. “It is because you are TOO clean.” WTF. I am damned if I do and damned if I dont. So dont be a super dirty bitch OR a super clean one either. One must find the perfect ‘ph’ balance between clean and dirty.
This is what eve did to us bitches. This and pushing a human out of our vajays. Oh and the movie Carrie once a month. Thanks bitch. Appreciate it.
The end. You go.
Tags: meetings, POE, rant, the office, vagina
