TMI Thursday: Could You Provide a Towel With That Shower?
Apr 22, 2009 Family, I Forgot to Tag, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Wicked Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch
Happy Thursday Blogosphere!!! This is my 3rd TMIThursday, and I am beginning to really enjoy grossing you all the fuck out on a weekly basis.
Like the torture? Check out LiLu. She not only founded this sick and twisted day of grossness… but she blogs the nasty right along with us.
Back when Wicked was a little slut, (shut up.) she dated many a penis provider. Some had big cocks, some notsomuch. Some, packed a great punch but were too quick for her. She smiled pretty-like but at the end of the one-pump-chump sexcapade… she lost his number as quick as he came.
Literally.
One day, she met a boy. He was Creole, and had pretty caramel skin, long curly hair, (shut the fuck up it was cute back then) and flashed a charming smile whenever she entered the room. Sooner than later, she had sunk her Wicked claws into him and had him wrapped around her Wicked little fingers.
They flirted and dated. They kissed and touched. They practiced running bases until it was time to play the big game.
When the day came to get down Wicked was excited to finally make sweet love with her sexy Creole man. So they get into the moment. Clothes fly off into their seperate corners, salivas are swapped and certain regions begin to throb. At first glance, Wicked is a tad disappointed at the lack of girth… but had been proven wrong about penis first impressions in the past. She laid back and attempted to let the magic happen.
And it did. At first anyway.
He penetrated her, giving her a taste of what he had to offer. Initially satisfied, she closed her eyes and let go. He moved with her, and she loved every minute of it. As they fucked, Wicked noticed that the temperature had raised between them more than she was used to. Attempting to ignore it, she moaned out… to let him know that she was enjoying the moment.
All of a sudden, she felt a drop of moisture graze past her lips and into her mouth. It was salty and warm… but water… not the creamy salty substance she was used to having in her mouth in this situation.
Then, one by one, more warm drops hit her face in sporadic locations.
Drip
Drip
Drip
She opened her eyes only to witness the most human condensation she had ever seen on another human being… and he was less than 4 inches from her own face. Both stunned and disgusted, and also immediately turned off… she realized that she was paralized, trying to figure out where to go. Instead of offering a towel, she decided to duck and dodge the sweat bullets… hoping that he wouldn’t notice. Instead, he moved with her, his weapons of mass sweat-struction attacking her in full force like a Nazi Army. Not only was his forehead sweating, but his long hair and all of its hair-product-glory was dripping as well.
If Wicked ever in her life wished for anyone to be a one-pump-chump… it was this day. This moment. This salty, sweaty, sexcapade. But nooooooooooo… not her luck. He drudged on for a good 30 minutes, grunting and moaining… and did I mention sweating all over her pretty Wicked face.
When he was finished and re-entered the real world, where people were not aroused and also drenched in someone elses sweat, he smiled… that once charming, bur now repulsive smile at her.
Him: (breathing heavy-like from his recent orgasm)”Wow. You are amazing.” (REALLY!?) “Sorry, sometimes I sweat a little bit when I get into the moment.”
How does someone respond to that? Uhm, YA THINK!!!!????!?!?!?!
I am pretty sure if you asked her, Wicked cannot remember anything about the sex. She was far to disgusted to remember the quality of the cock. Wicked would also tell you that she is still equally grossed out and traumatized to this day by his sweatshower. Pretty sure.
Enjoy your Thursday!!!
Any bodily fluid TMI’s get sparked from this nasty tale?
Any recent TMI’s to share at all??
Tags: creole, make-out, one pump chump, Sex, sweat, TMI Thursday's, towel
TMI Thursday: Smell My Finger
Apr 15, 2009 Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, Wicked Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of.
So I am going to bet a great deal of my paycheck that the contents of this blog will make even the strongest of stomachs will churn.
Consider yourself warned.
In my early days of freaky – deaky Wicked, I chased as much vagina as I possibly could. One might have considered me to be a closet lesbo. In fact, I am pretty sure that it was the consensus of all of D’s friends.
(one of our really good friends actually purchased me a strap-on for Christmas one year. He presented it to me with a speech.)
Anyway, D ran into this broad that he had met years ago. He had tried to hook up with her back then, but they ended up just becoming good friends. Anyway, she started coming around to party with us… and after a great deal of alcohol, she revealed that she was also bisexual.
I immediately turned my radars on.
Was she flirting?
Did she seem like she wanted to makeoutwithmyvagandmore?
Was she laughing with me or at me?
We are about to find out.
One night, we all were meeting up at a party. She came to my house to get ready, and as we were all leaving out, asked did I want to ride in her car? I, of course, did the polite thing and accepted her offer… assuming that I would be one of a few piled into her vehicle.
That’d be a big fat no. It was just the 2 of us.
We stopped to pick up liquor, even though she and I had already been heavily drinking before we left… (PSA Break: Dont Drink and Drive) ... and next thing I knew we were pulled over on the side of I-5 all over each other in the front seat.
She had amazingly full lips. I remember her kisses were soft but aggressive at the same time. I dont really remember her removing my pants, but I obviously was not protesting. She went down on me expertly. I had assumed that she was new to the whole girl-on-girl thing like me but it was obvious that she was a professional.
After I came, and I came HARD… I eagerly went to return the favor. I will remind you that I had not really been with that many women before at this point.
The pants come off. “Woah. She has hair down there.”
Panties. Off. “Hella hair. Like Don King in a headlock… Damn.”
My fingers attempt to mashetti through the forests of her pubic hair… only to reveal a milky white substance against her brown skin. “Hmmm…”
So I go for it. Yes. I did. Stop for a minute and get past that part of it. Ready? No? Okay I will wait a second longer.
Alllllllllrighty then. Moving on.
1) I felt put on the spot
2) I was not sure if it was or was not normal… nor did I smell any fish…
and
3) I was not fully comfortable with sexual discussions at that point in my self discovery.
As soon as the lips were spread though, the funk commenced to burn the hairs out of my nostrils. And I could not bring myself to put my mouth on it. Her vagina looked like a bowl of sour cream dip. And, my lips and tongue took a stand. They refused to have any part of the creamy party favorite that was located between her legs.
“Wicked, what did you do?”
“Did you tell her about herself?”
Unfortunately, I was not who I am today. So no. I did not tell her about herself. Instead, I banged her. I made up some excuse about the gearshift and steering wheel being in the way and how we should probably get going… and banged her til she came. *shudders* All over my fucking hand.
I could not wait to get to a Costco sized bottle of Dial.
As we were driving to the party, I started to ponder whether or not I was being unreasonable. I mean, I hadn’t really put my face in that many vajays at that point… maybe I was being picky…? Maybe some people had drippysnatches like she did. Maybe she was made to look like the appetizing centerpiece of a snack table at your cousin’s wedding shower.
And I was determined to find out.
So we walk into the party. She was happy as a (I cant help it) clam yapping her flap to everyone there. I, however was on a mission. I pulled 2 of my closest guy friends aside and shoved my fingers under their noses.
“Does this smell like a normal vagina!?” I demanded
The raw looks on their faces gave me my answer.
That bitch’s vagina was naaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty.
Happy TMI Thursday People!!!
Do you have any SEX related TMI’s to share?
What would you have done? (make sure to put yourself in my younger, inexperienced and naive at the time shoes)
Tags: car, chips, girl on girl, go down, I-5, party, Sex, sour cream dip, TMI Thursday's, vagina
Popping My TMI Thursday Cherry: “Fuck You Like a Whaaaa?”
Apr 1, 2009 Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's
So, because of an informal challenge, and because I have lived my life in a whirlwind of TMI… I am jumping on the TMI Thursday bandwagon.
Ready, Set, GO!
Once upon my old ass, I was allowed to go on my very first camping trip without parental supervision. I had to beg and plead to get my parents to allow it… but they finally caved. I am pretty sure that I left out the fact that I was going on this trip with my smokin’ football playing boyfriend.
*GASP!!* (who does that?!)
So we go to this kick ass location over the mountains. It was 6-8 of us rowdy drunken teenagers, with loud music and a lot of pot and alcohol. As soon as you could say “Freedom” we were commencing to getting wasted, some of us double-fisting bottles of Strawberry Hill Boones. (Who is old enough to remember those days of underage debauchery?!)
I don’t remember much, other than that there was a huge hill that we ran to the top of and rolled down several times, the group of about 20 campers at the campsite next to ours, and the fact that hunky football boy and I had yet to have sex. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd the fact that it was just him and I in a tent. Alone.
*Queue Porn Music*
So we are all sitting around a campfire, drunk off of our asses. I may or may not have taken another illegal substance other than the previously mentioned 2… but again, I have little memory of details. (alcohol and age dont mix I swear) HFB and I start making out all over the place, and before I knew it, we were stumbling back to our tent and ripping each other’s clothes off.
I did not consider the location of 1) our campsite and 2) our tent in the campsite. We were dead center of the campground. Our site and our tent.
We fell out in fits of giggles at the fact that the only condoms that *I* (not him, douche) brought were brightly colored ones. We argued (loudly, apparently) at which color to use… finally (loudly) deciding on the red one. (which, really looked hot pink when it was stretched out… I do remember that.) And then it happened. I, like the good little sex pistol that I was, flipped over into the infamous “face-down-ass-up” position.
And then… out of nowhere…
“FUCK ME LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!”
First, complete silence.
Second, a sporadic snort and giggle.
Then, the ENTIRE campground burst into uncontrollable laughter. Like, ROARING laughter.
What do I do? (Do you really have to ask???) “Well!? What are you waiting for??” I demand.
So he did. (He knew what was good for him.) Well, I dont really know what fucking me like a football player is… but I do know that he fucked the ever living shit out of me.
And it was goooooooooo oooood.
It was a live porn show for the campground. I was 16. Right. The next day, sober… (only for a hot second before I realized that in order to endure the humiliation that my mouth YET AGAIN caused me…) I was mortified. After a few bottles of Boones, I laughed right along with them. The remainder of the weekend random people all over the campground would shout the famous last words… “FUCK ME LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER!!!” into the night, echoing out into the air.
And… of course I never lived it down. I run into old friends who werent even THERE… and they still call me out for it.
*sigh*
So there it is. My very first memorable TMI moment. Be prepared for more where that came from.
To read other kick ass TMI posts, Visit LiLu. She always links them on her post. PQ posted a great one today as well.
Have you ever publicly humiliated yourself in a moment of sexual arousal?
What is your most embarrassing or funniest sex moment?
Tags: Boone's, camping, condom, drunk, football player, humiliation, Sex, tent, TMI Thursday's
