YGWM, Friday Eye Candy, and I LOVE Camping!
Aug 13, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, You've Got Wicked Mail
Sup Bitches?
In T minus 14 hours I will be off of work and heading out with a kick ass group of friends on a camping trip!
I love camping. LOVE it. I love s’mores, tent-sex, spoadies… and camp-fires.
I am stoked to get there. To set everything up, watch the kids play… and really enjoy my family and I’s first camping trip together.
With that said, I am quite positive that you will have the pleasure of a TMIT or 2 and some funny conversations due to the nature of this trip. 
Now… without further adeau….
Dear Tyrese and Jeremy Piven,
I need to know if we are dating. As far as I am concerned, since I started following the both of you on Twitter, we are dating. Your lack of engagement in this relationship (i.e. RTing to my @’s and #’s) is quite disheartening. I am starting to wonder if maybe you think that you are too good to be my boyfriends.
Are you new? I have been crowned the Queen of Awesome.
This means that you need to recognize and bow at my feet of awesomeness. Get it together if you know what is good for you.
Dear POE,
I can think of sooooooooooo many more interesting things to do with my life than being an over paid data entry specialist.
1) Pull my hair out, strand by strand
2) Reading the phonebook
3) Counting rice granules
Lets try this: pat your folks on the back once in awhile. OR maybe have a leeeeeeeeeeeeettle bit of an idea as to what you are doing? Maybe some organization? MAYBE something to work toward?
I am bored. Challenge a bitch. K?
…. How do I tell you that you are being a cunt ….?
…. Yes, I really DID stop and get coffee this morning, KNOWING that I would be late to this meeting …. and no I do NOT care.
…. STOP BEING AN IDIOT! ….
…. DIVORCE ALREADY! I am sick of the rationalizations and justifications of why your marriage “isnt that bad” … HE DOESNT COME HOME. HE FUCKS OTHER WOMEN. REGULARLY. YOU KNOW IT.
…. You are not as cute as you think you are ….
…. I know you lied ….
…. if you don’t stop peeking over my shoulder. I KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO SEE WHAT I AM DOING …
…. Okay, if we fuck will you stop drooling already? ….
Annnnnnnnnd the Friday Eye Candy is…. Bradley Motherfucking Cooper. He was a complete asshole in Wedding Crashers, but his performance in He’s Just Not That Into You won me over. Annnnnnnnd I hear he was hilarious in The Hangover.
Alright folks… you know the drill: Vent your week away so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Also, Do you like camping? Why or why not?
Share your funniest AND/OR most horrific camping experience!
Tags: camping, mail call, open letter, tgif
YGWM Friday & Oooooooh Xaaaavierrrrrr! (Etc.)
Jun 18, 2009 All Things X, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
TGI MF F to you all.
Welcome to my own special regular Friday blog where I open the ‘floor’ to give you all the opportunity to cuss out whomever royally pissed you off this week so that you can let it go and truly enjoy the weekend.
That is all we really want to do right?!
Dear POE,
I have been a part of many organizations. I get that with every big deal signed, there is a level of ass kissing metrics that have to go along with it. I really do get it. But I have never, ever had this level of juvenile hand holding in a group of adults. Ever.
What gets me is that your selling point in my interview was the fact (and I remember that it was repeated across the 3 people who separately interviewed me) this establishment prides itself on zero micromanagement. That, we are all adults and it is not a babysitting organization.
Tell me, what would you refer to this as then? Nannying? Adult Care?
I call it babysitting. Like with a motherfucking baby monitor by your ear so that you don’t miss a single motherfucking breath taken.
There are ways to go about what you are trying to do without handcuffing us all and making us feel like we are trapped in little boxes full of ticky tacky.
I am just saying.
Dear Gym Rat,
1) your Nike napsack on your back is not cute. It doesnt hold your water. Wanna know how I know? Because you kept “dropping it” on the floor so you could bend over and pick it up in front of the personal trainer that all of the ladies at the gym drool over every single day.
2) He is out of your league. Shit, he is out of my league.
3) if you aren’t going to work out, then leave. You doing circles around the cardio area made me nauseus and furthermore you were wasting paper towels too. You werent even using the cardio equipment that you wiped down. I am no tree hugger and even I know that is plain ignorant and wasteful.
4) You need to be working out because you are not cute. Neither is the way you switch your hip in front of the aforementioned PT. I am pretty sure I watched him throw up in his mouth the last time you shook your nasty booty in his face.
Bottom Line: Not cute. Not one iota. So knock it off before you catch me on an outwardly bitchy day and I tell you about yourself.
Dear Tarable,
I miss you.
Dear KittyFace,
I want them to come home too. Tripping me and breaking my neck isnt going to make them come home any fucking faster. GET OUT OF MY BUSINESS. BLAH.
Alllllllso as promised I am gonna in a nutshell call X’s out.
He ‘found’ $50 in his pocket. After further investigation, he did not actually find it in his pocket. He stole that shit from someone who it was given to as a graduation gift.
Right.
1) He did come clean about it.
2) He apologized to those who he affected by doing it.
3) Kanisha gave me the best idea for creative punishment ever: He will wear a sign that reads “I am a thief” one day when we have a bajillion errands to run. I may also make him write a couple of sentances to carry with so when people ask him questions, he will have something to answer with other than “I dont know”. We will see.
Kanisha rules. The end.
Lastly, before the Friday Eye Candy, I just want to say that I truly appreciate all of my friends. The ones who listen. The ones who let me cry. The ones who let me be a cunt when I need to be one. Especially the ones who respect me and understand me. I am finding thorns in my friend-bush and I am frustrated and confused as to how to help our friendship grow into pretty flowers.
I dont know. I just needed to put it out there in the universe. It helps me clearly figure out what I need to do.
And now. Friday’s Eye Candy is:
Paul Walker. His piercing blue eyes make my naughty bits tingle a lil’ bit. A lot bit actually. My favorite are pics when he has a bit of a scruffy face. Like this one:
Mmmmmmmmmmm.
Feel free to email OR comment me with Friday Eye Candy suggestions.
Now it is your turn. Its MAIL CALL BITCHES!
(Pee ESS: Happy 1 year anniversary Lilu and B!)
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, open letter, paul walker, rant, tgif, weekend, work
Random Air Humps
Apr 16, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, bitch
Happy Friday!
Woooooooooooooo!
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Alriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhht!
(this is about to be the most random blog you have seen from me in awhile. thank lack of sleep and too much shit to stuff into my brain.)
*air humps*
I swear to God, ever since the other day when D thought that air humping about everything was an acceptable answer, I have been obsessed with the act.
*air humps*
I need to make a decision. Like, I love being busy on the weekends, having this thing called a productive life… but at the same time I yearn to be braless on my chaise, remote in one hand… something-chocolatey-and-also-salty in the other (no, not D’s cock… but now that you mention it… *air humps*) laptop… well, on my lap. If I could be lazy and get away with it, I still wouldn’t.
Who actually wants to live their life by the teet of the television/tivo/dvr bullshit?
So I guess this means that I made the decision. I will just long for laziness… while running endless errands.
This decision gets no air humps.
Charli is a fucking crack-up. Yesterday, I yelled for Xavier to get his ass in the house.
Me: (outside yelling for him) “XAAAAAAAAAVIER!!!!!!!!!!”
X: “YEAHHHHHHHHHH”
Me: “IT IS TIME TO COME INSIDE!”
X: “CAN I HAVE 10 MORE MINUTES?!”
Me: “NO! COME ON!!!!!!!!!”
X: “MOMMMMMMM PLEAAAAAASE!?”
Me: “BOY! GETCHOASSINTHAHOUSE!”
For the rest of the night, every time Charli saw X: “BOY! GETCHOASSINTHAHOUSE!”
Clear as a motherfucking bell. Xavier was not amused. Heh. I was.
*air humps*
Speaking of humping:
D: “You are wearing the shorts.”
Me: “Huh?” <— famous last words
D: (all of a sudden on top of me.) “I think you put them on to play pussy games with me.”
Me: (pretending to be unaware of what this means) “Pussy games!?”
D: “Bitch dont play.”
Me: (bending over to pick up a piece of lint on the carpet.) “I am not sure I understand.”
The rest of the convo is considere pornography and could get the site blocked. In case you are lost….
I swear we go through the craziest phases. Sometimes we cannot keep our hands off of each other. Sometimes, I look at him and he looks at me and we give each other the middle finger. Either way, It works. I think right now it is because 1) I am pretty and 2) I am at school again. The less we see each other the more we boogie.
I like it that way.
Speaking of porn, I was watching this clip the other day where I swear to God, this bitch talked through the entire free 5 minute clip of her getting the ever living shit f*cked out of her. What is going on with porn these days? Can I get a free porn clip that does not have this dumb broad holding steady dialogue???
Shut the f*ck up porn star. If we wanted to hear you speak we would watch you on a MOTION PICTURE.
Am I alone in the loathing of the talking porn star?
Is my hand the lone one raised when the question of shut up and get f*cked is asked?!
Sheesh.
Also, my new second favorite word is taint. It is close in the runnings with cunt.
Lastly, (deep breath)
Maybe Jaime Foxx has a point about Miley Cyrus. Maybe it was spoken harshly, but I dont necessarily disagree with the intent.
The Sunday School Teacher that killed that little girl needs to get fucked with a rusty pipe until she bleeds to death.
Hulk Hogan is bat shit crazy, but haven’t we all wanted to murk a bitch?!
Mel Gibson is a douche.
Some one beat the shit out of those 2 Dominoes Pizza employees with a library full of phone books. Dont fuck with peoples food. It isnt funny.
Nobody cares about Bristol Palins baby daddy.
(exhale)
Share your own Friday random.
What are your weekend plans?
Doggy-style or Cowgirl?
What is your favorite word? Why?
