TMI Thursday: If I Were A Boy
May 20, 2009 Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Suck It!, TMI Thursday's, The Tarably Wicked Show
Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs… Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
Last weeks TMIThursday had a little bitty game called “I Never”. The winner of the game got to choose what topic this TMIThursday would be about. My pretty winner chose “I never have worn my strap on in public.” (Which is a lie and also which is why I have a story for you this lovely Thursday)
For Christmas several years ago I was given a strap-on from one of my guy friends. Which, from the outside looking in seems extremely odd… but being as I was the only girl they were friends with at the time that was openly bisexual… the gift was more of a HA HA than anything. (Little did he know the kind of use I have gotten out of this bad boy since. )
So one day when I was at home, doing my house-wifery- duties… I stumbled across it in my unmentionables drawer. I had not ever used it at this point but was looking for an opportunity to do so. So I put it on. Over my clothes at first, and was walking around with it on while I cleaned the house, vacuumed… etc.
It felt really fucking cool to have this big cock between my legs, hitting my thigh as I walked around, bent over… whatever it was that I was doing at the time. So then I got naked and stood in front of the mirror with this penis. My penis. I flexed my muscles and showed all of the masculinity that I could muster up. I looked sexy with a dick. If I could have imagined any dick to have as my own, it would have been that size.
This penis was my perfect penis.
So there I was, naked and with faux-cock, making a grocery list when I got the idea-light-bulb.
“I am going to wear my cock to the store!” I announced to myself.
I finished the list, put on my clothes (including a pair of D’s boxer briefs) and left out the door. I had a penis. In my pants. And not some “can I just stick the tip in” kind either.Except when I got there, I felt like everyone was staring at me. I figured that it was just me being insecure. I attempted to adjust my schlong without catching the attention of bystanders, but that was harder than anyone who doesn’t have a dick could even begin to imagine.
So I tried the squat walk to try to get it to fall into place. I pretended like I was “adjusting my shirt” to move it to the left side, rather than in the front where it wanted to hang … allowing the entire population of women to be made aware that I, an obvious woman, had a penis… and it was SEMI-HARD.
I was quickly realizing the mistake I had made by wearing my faux-cock in public. I should have known that penis adjustment would be harder than I imagined. So I tried the squat-walk one more time… just to get it in order enough to make it to the bathroom so that I could take it off and put it in the car.
What I didn’t realize was that in all of the adjustments, the faux-cock and the movement had unzipped my zipper. The cool breeze between my legs all of a sudden drew my eyes down to my penis… and it was hanging out of the zipper… as happy as could be. When I looked up, there was this elderly woman, her facial expression mixed with fear, shock and disgust… looking from my faux-cock to my chest and back down again… unable to comprehend what was actually going on in front of her eyes.
Before she could find her voice enough to scream for security… I bolted, faux-dick still out and bouncing around for the cruel worlds viewing pleasure, to my car and as far away from there as humanly possible.
I hope that my expirement and accidental voueyerism didn’t give that lady a heart attack.
As always… feel free to share your own TMI’s… or whatever else you feel like yakking about today.
Tags: grocery store, penis, strap-on, TMI Thursday, voyuer
Good Vibrations
If I had more time, I would get a 2nd job at a sex toy retailer. Shit, If I had the extra money to purchase a franchise… I would. Even in the slowly deteriorating economy, people still need dongs. I hesitate to purchase my adult toys online, because it is hard for me to trust the description alone. Even the user reviews. Not every bitches clitoris gets stimulated the same way that mine does. One persons max vibration is another persons not enough.
I personally need some intense vibrations… ‘Good Vibrations’ if you will. (Courtesy of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch) I dont need a bunch of frilly additives to my vibrator. Basic Black works for me. Heh. There is a pun in there somewhere, for those of you who know me. 
Anyvibe, back to my trip to the vibrator store.
Remember I told you of my massive amounts of orgasmic strength a couple of weeks ago… remember? When I busted my vibrator in half during an intense self pleasure session? Riiight. With the business of school and life, I hadnt made it to purchase any replacements. I used to have a plethora of vibing friends, but all had since broken and never had been replaced since. I have also been cautious of my toy purchases because my availability of proper storage has been little to none. With the kids being all up in the biz… I just would rather not have Charli come trapsing out of my room with my strap-on around her neck.
Get my drift?!
Anyway, this trip had me in bean-flicking heaven. Vibes and Dongs for every taste and size. Flavors upon flavors of oils and condoms… cute little keychain vibes… to big black schlongdongs. <– has one of those in real life… heh.
Soon after crossing the pearly gates into sex heaven, I was approached by one of the store associates who was all up in my face about “cute shoes this and omg i love your hat that”. Bitch, I dont need compliments. I came here to buy something… so you are guaranteed whatever % commission you get off of my purchase. No, I dont need to look at panties. I dont wear any. Thank you but I am sure that those clear heels would absolutely NOT look good with my outfit. Do I look like a stripper to you?!
Didnt think so.
When I finally DID look up to see her face in my face, I noticed this monsterous sore on her lip. ACK! What the fuck? I am fully aware of non-std imposed cold sores. I have had a few in my day. But you wont catch me at work in some other bitches face with one. No thank you. I know I am not interested in HAVING it, let alone SEEING another persons.
How about getthefuckoutofmyface. KThx.
She saw me perusing the beautiful glass dongs in the display case. I have always wanted my own piece of glass in my collection. The first time I had ever even seen a glass dong was with my first girl-on-girl experience. She fucked me so good with that special piece of equipment… that It has remained on my own personal wish-list ever since. I have just never wanted to spend $100 on a sex toy.
Not sure how you feel about glass? Picture the hardest possible cock. Times that by 50. There you have it. Paired with your favorite vibrator, or fuck buddy… you are money baby.
Anywet, SoreLip handed me a 50% off any item coupon. Heh. You bet this bitch bought herself a new glass plaything. And a pretty pink storage case with a briefcase lock to store it and all of my toys, lubes, and vibes in. Now my rugrats cannot discover the joys of masturbation at too early of an age.
New Dong: Check.
New Vibe: (and not the Pontiac) Check Check.
New Locked Storage Case: CheckCheckCheck.
Wicked is a happy beesh.
Have you ever used glass dongs?
What would you consider a worthy business venture?
Have you ever had your sex toy stash discovered by someone you would prefer didnt know your fetishes?
Happy Masturbating!!!
Tags: cold sore, commission, discount, marky mark and the funky bunch, masturbation, pontiac vibe, sex toy, sex toy store, stash, strap-on, unwanted discovery, vibrator
