Living Wicked

Even the Lightbulb in My Head Procrastinates

Apr 20, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, DUH, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Random, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

I wrote last week about how in my motivational interviewing/counseling techniques class we were asked to pick a behavior about us that we would like to work on changing… with the purpose being to learn to be good counselors and not good actors. The intent is to practice specific techniques with real behaviors… so that we get an idea of how we act and react naturally in all facets of the field.

The behavior that I am working on is my excessive and methodic procrastination.

Last week, the focal question was “What are the positives in continuing this behavior?” I was really unable to think about what the positives were in me waiting until the very last minute to do everything… and knowing that I am doing it.

This week, the focal question was “What are the negative consiquences associated with not continuing this behavior?” This question stumped me. If I am addressing this behavior as something that is not good… then what could possibly be negative about not continuing?

So we go in order, with me being the client last. I listened to the others in my group, and was still stumped as to what the negative was in me not continuing to procrastinate. When we finally got to me, I started talking about all of the things I was doing to try and chane the behavior… and how I was so far pretty successful in doing so up to now. As I was talking it out, I began to realize the reason. The method to my madness.

It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. Sound effects and all.

As I was telling my ” counselor” about  my behavior, I started talking about how it was as if I was subconsciously yet purposefully procrastinating doing things in every avenue of my life. And that was it. I realized that I break the rules a bit when I procrastinate. I know that I need to have things done by a certain time. I am aware that I need to be in specific places by set times. But I don’t follow those rules.

Why? Because. I have been placed in the role of the responsible person. I am the one who has dug her size 9’s in the sand and have made this strong, sturdy foundation of my life… and my family. Especially with D on the road to recovery, and in dealing with his addiction for so long… I have owned the role as the rock. I cannot remember the last time when I did not consider others in my decisions. I dont know how to just let loose and do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And whether or not I placed myself there and didn’t know it… or if I was put there by someone else… or both… doesn’t really matter. I am breaking little rules. I am in control of these little acts of irresponsible rebellion.

I like that they, as small as they may be, are  my own little outs. Don’t we all need to feel like rebels once in awhile?

So now I wonder if my procrastination is something that I really want to change. There are risks and rewards in every behavior. This risk could at worst affect my job… if I simply stop making a conscious effort to be to work on time.

Do I want to give up the little things that I do have control and rebellion over? I dont know for sure.

What I do know is that, in these 3 weeks of talking about things… I have learned that I do not spend enough time looking inward. I am so focused on the well being of the people who surround me, that I forget that my soul needs cleansed once in awhile. I may not be in recovery, but I still have things within me that are broken and that desperately need repair.

Maybe, I will address that baby step like I have been doing… and tackle it head on, rather than try and work on all aspects of my procrastination problem being that it has the most risk associated with it and then go from there.

Baby steps… Right!? GAH!!!

Have a great day!

Do you break little rules? What?
Did you pick something to work on with me? What?
How are you coming on your baby steps from last week? I know that some of you were tackling some pretty heavy stuff. I would love to hear about your progress.

Also, a special TMI for Tuesday, because we all deserve a good laugh.

Tarable called me today to tell me that when she was unpacking the box with her purses and clothes in it, she found one of her old dildos inside one of her ‘going out purses’. She said… and I quote: “You know it was on one of my drunken slutty rampages because … um … it wasnt washed.”

Picture THAT! HAHAHAHAAHAHAH!

Any similar stories to share?

Tags: counselor, late, procrastinate, school, sleep, work

Procrastination Station

Apr 14, 2009 Addiction & Recovery, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Plunges, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

I have a tough quarter in school ahead of me. Mentally.

In one of my counseling classes we are learning how to … well … be counselors. So in order to actually use the skills we have learned so far rather than become really good at pretending with fake issues… we have all picked a behavior to work on changing over the course of the quarter, and hopefully on a permanent basis.

The behavior I chose to consciously work on was my premeditated procrastination. Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? I know. But listen.

I know that it takes me 25 minutes to get ready for work. Therefore, I only allow myself that exact amount of time to get ready.

I do my homework at the very last moment allowed. Sometimes, the paper is still warm from the copier when I turn it in.

If I have a deadline, there is no motivation for me to do it early. Even if the material is available days before. I will not even begin to think about doing it until the very last minute allowed.

These are only a couple of examples.

I literally have always been this way. And, as I procrastinate everything else… I have procrastinated on changing this behavior. Even to the point of making efforts to change… and then procrastinating on those efforts. As silly as it sounds, I think that my excessive putting-shit-off-until-the-last-minute has a lot to do with my hunger for controlled chaos. I do not like to feel bored or unchallenged. Not even a little bit.

So, I purposefully put as much shit off as possible. It is like having to pee really bad… but waiting until I am performing the pee-pee dance to actually go to the bathroom.

So, before we even talked about it, I started working on it.

I have been on time to work every day for the last 2 weeks. (give or take 5 minutes)
I am almost finished with my monthly deadline requirements … ahead of schedule.
I have my homework done 2 weeks in advance.

Go me!

My sleep deprived point tonight is that we all have those underlying things that we think about changing about ourselves. Some are more pressing issues than others are. Other things take time and sometimes professional assistance. If you have been standing at Procrastination Station like I have been… maybe today is as good as any to pick one and hop on for the ride. I am 2 weeks into my changes, and I feel really good about the little progress that I have made so far. Eventually, I would like to take on another thing… because I have a couple more that I would like to tackle eventually… but I won’t get ahead of myself.

Baby steps, you know?

Have you thought about something specific you would like to adjust about the already amazing you… to make you that much more amazing?
Are you a procrastinator?
Do you thrive in chaos?
If you could describe you today as a color… what color would you be today and why?
Have you taken any baby steps lately?

Tags: behavior, changes, pee pee dance, procrastinator, school, train station

‘If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out’

Oct 16, 2008 Random, Sound Off/Debate, Thoughts and Perceptions

I dont know if I have mentioned before or not in this forum the fact that I pretty much offended this broad in my class to the point where she hates my very existance. You can see her seething when we make eye contact. She cringes at pretty much every comment I make.

Sometimes, I have found myself pushing the bar with her squirming in mind. Even if I knew it was a far off point or theory, my need to see her face squish up in judgmental disapproval superseded any sense I may have had in making the correct decision. I want her to get angry. I need her to leave class after stewing in her own superficial funk and remember my face. My voice. My literal lack of offense to pretty much any retort or rebuttal she may have had. My little expression really stirred the shit up inside her.

And it isn’t an act. I am probably the least offendable person out there, and because of it, I tend to live with my foot in my mouth. Offending people in a single blurt of opinion.

These facts motivate me to go to this class. They get me out of my warm bed on Saturday morning after working a 5 day week and taking 3 classes at night. I get off on her uncomfortableness. I mean, I am literally aroused by her loathing hatred for all things me. I can feel my naughty bits tingle when her voice shakes with a deep rooted anger that I dont even think she knew even existed. I dont care if that makes me seem cold or mean. I dont care if it is rude. The fact that my lifestyle and the openness about it makes her asshole pooch a little is an interesting fucking phenomenon.

I assume that it bothers her that I am in an interracial relationship. I am not 100% positive that this is fact. I am 95% positive… and stranger things have happened where I have been incorrect in regard to my people reading assumptions. But the look on her face and her body language both lead me to believe that she absolutely and conservatively does not agree with that. I am also pretty positive that when I exposed my bisexuality and the fact that my husband respected my attractions and relationships with women she sucked the air out of the classroom and out of everyones lungs.

I laugh in the face of the easily offended.

This has led me to a few wicked wonderings:

Do people take offense to things as a defense mechanism? Meaning, a person would claim to “be offended” in defense of their closed minded beliefs about the subject at hand.

Do people still genuinely have these unrealistic veiws about the world? What rock were they raised under?

Why are they allowed to procreate?

Which then leads me to wonder why someone wouldnt just embrace their assumptions and biases? Wouldnt the world be such a more harmonious place if we all just stared our assumptions in the face? It seems to take way more effort hiding the truth… rather than embracing that for who you really are.

That is as possible as finding an accurate answer to how many licks there are in a tootsie pop. That question, like the ones above… the world may never know.

What do you think?

Have you ever offended someone soooo good?

Are you easily offended by things in the world? What are they? Do you face them or hide from them?

Tags: assumptions, biases, closed minded, debate, defensive, offend, school, uncomfortable, wicked wondering

Did I miss a ‘buzz-worthy’ moment?

Sep 2, 2008 Parenting

D said to me this morning as he peered through the slits of our dining room blinds… “Are we horrible parents for not walking our kid to the bus stop on the first day of school?”

This question stemmed from watching all of the other parents following protectively behind their kids past our window… the underlying buzz of the first day of school prevalent. My immediate response was the defensive one… “Of course not! He doesn’t need us to stand there next to him at the bus stop!”

However when driving to work, utilizing the little bit of uninterrupted time I am allowed each day to think, I began to question my initial thoughts on the matter. I mean, It is his third year in school. Kindergarten got tears on the first day. First grade… I was excited that he was excited. This year seems more habitual rather than buzz-worthy. These thoughts resonated, leaving me to wonder whether or not we are horrible parents… or if most other parents feel the same way I do.

I don’t cry at every defining moment in my son’s life. School is school. I guess if he were moving from elementary school to middle school… or from middle to high school… I would want to relish that next step with him… but from 1st to 2nd? I think there are moments where he needs to have those to experience without mom and dad all up in his business. I enjoy allowing him a bit of independence from us. I love to see him react without him worrying whether or not mom is in earshot… (whether I am or not remains unknown to him.. ) and with that independence, builds trust and allows him to differentiate between right and wrong without my prompting.

I just hope that he doesn’t silently want me there. I hope that he doesn’t feel like I am not excited simply because his mom and dad didn’t stand next to him at the bus stop like every other kid. I hope that he is confident in the fact that really, we are slowly and thoughtfully letting the reins loose for him to gradually grow into the responsible little man that I know he is going to be.

Parents, have you been here? Felt this way? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Tags: decisions, independence, kids, Parenting, responsibility, school