You Just Think That You Are Funny.
Oct 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, bitch
Well then.
I guess someone told me, didn’t they?
I am going to do the following things in this blog:
1) Blow a teeny bit of smoke up my own ass.
2) Rant.
Someone said this to me. A person who I don’t speak to. Someone who does not have the repertoire with me to just make a joke like that. So she was seriously saying that she 1) did not think I was funny and 2) that I think that I am funny but that I am really not funny.
Um.
(This is the blowing smoke up my own ass part.)
Actually, I AM really funny. Like, HA HA funny. I pride myself on making jokes and poking fun with the people that I care about. Shit, even people that I don’t really care about. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good when I can make another person chuckle/giggle/snort when they are having a bad day.
I said in return to this unsolicited statement: “Oh I am funny. I know that much is true.” (good one, right?)
(and then the rant.)
For someone who doesn’t even know me to say that all of this time that I have spent confident in my funny demeanor has been just me in my own head … is … fucking offensive and totally uncalled for! Especially given the context of the conversation, the fact that not a single person in it was even acknowledging her presence OR the fact that … really?? No one even asked her.
What I think is funny is that sometimes … more often than not lately … people assume that I am the one. The one who won’t stand up for herself. The one who will just smile and nod and take someone’s shit. The one who will be talked to like she is half of a person.
The one who will get cut off on the motherfucking freeway and NOT pull out my legaltopurchaseatWalmartifIamover18 shotgun and point it directly at their motherfucking faces while still doing 75 on I405.
All I am saying is that I may or may not have pulled my Walmart shotgun out on a bitch for less.
I get that not everyone will like me, that not everyone will always think that I am awesome. Bitch you are the least liked bitch in the establishment. How do you like THEM apples? Huh?! HUH?!?! How about next time though, recognize game? Because what I look like on the outside has no bearing on the venom that comes from within my Wicked little soul.
I will run motherfucking circles around you. While making motherfuckers laugh. SIMULTANEOUSLY.
SAY SUMPIN!
If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of candle, would you do it?
If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for?
Do you watch porn? How would you react if you walked in on your significant other watching porn?
Tags: confrontation, inappropriate, rant, rude, venom, wicked, work
Pardon Me! Excuse Me!
Sep 7, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, bitch
I am pretty sure that uttering one or both of the phrases in the title of this blog really does not require a great deal of effort on ANYONE’S part.
I wrote a blog awhile ago about etiquette. It was a blog specific to parenting and restaurant etiquette, but I am finding that more and more, people lack any kind of etiquette what so ever.
EyeEee:
Tarable, HN and I went thrifting today. Labor Day sales don’t stop at the mall you know, and bitches on a budget have needs too! I used to loathe thrifting. And, really I still do. I love searching for that awesome deal … and leaving the store with baaaaaaags of good shat and not spending my entire paycheck while doing so … but what I am not a fan of is inconsiderate people.
I am prepared for overcrowding. I am prepared to stand in line and possibly have to have a knock down drag out fight with a little old lady over a bag or necklace. I am prepared to park and walk. These are things that you just know before you even leave the house. Some people meditate to prepare.
I just gangster it the fuck out. It is how I roll.
With that said, there are other things that you must know prior to entering your neighborhood Goodwill or Value Village related to the above mentioned expected happenings:
1) It will be overcrowded. Period. Therefore, you need to pay the motherfuck attention. You also need to say “EXCUSE ME!” or “PARDON ME!” when passing with your cart, when behind a bitch with your cart or simply trying to get by. Do not shove past someone. Do not ram your cart into a bitches ankle. Do not think that your big ass over-filled cart is gonna get past mine without first making your presence known to the bitch in front of you. Conversation is not needed. We don’t need to be motherfucking friends after and sing kumbaya around a camp fire about it.
Just be polite. POLITE and CONSIDERATE.
2) Do not hover over sections with your cart. If you are looking for something specific, and I laid my pretty hands on it before you … I am more than willing to negotiate (read: let you buy it off of me for a really motherfucking inflated price) you walking away with it. But, I am going to politely say excuse me and move your cart over if you are trying to block an entire RACK of black slacks so that you are able to find the perfect pair. (ps you are not my size. Next time move 3 sizes up and be realistic. Your delusion is a waste of my time and the fitting room line’s as well.) Furthermore, I WILL fight you and win. So … pick your battles. See those mom-elastic-waste black slacks over there? Yeah. I am not taking those. Maybe you should just put the crisp black Express ones down in my cart and walk away so no one your ass doesn’t get hurt.
3) If you insist on waiting for that lady in the minivan with 5 kids to move out of that spot so that you dont have to walk your lazy ass an extra 25 feet, please avoid making it so that no one can pass you. It is rude to sit in the middle with your blinker on. Fool I know you see that there are 5 cars behind you that have NO PROBLEM PARKING AND WALKING.
4) If you think that you can park your cart in line and then bounce and expect that you can come back acting all nonchalant about it … and no one is gonna say shit … you are fucking nuts. It is rude. It is rude. It is rude. Especially when it is a non emergency situation. Like, so you can go grab more shit and put it in your cart. Rude. Furthermore, if you think it is appropriate for you to cop an attitude about it if someone (Tarable) DOES say something to you … you are nuts. Insane. There aren’t many reasons to beat a bitch up in front of people. THIS is one of the few reasons.
5) Get out of my personal space.
I get that we all have to be somewhat cramped during this mad dash for those crisp Express slacks at 95% off retail price. I SO get it. This does not mean that you need to be breathing your hot fish oil breath down my neck at the register. You are TOO close. If you can hear me say to Tarable that your ass is TOO CLOSE under my breath and have the audacity to fucking ASK ME IF I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU … fishoilbreath and all … you are too close. MOVE. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.
With that said, if you are unable to mutter an “excuse me” or a “pardon me” … if you ram your cart into people’s ankles instead … then maybe you should stick to online shopping. Because it is people like you that make me want to rip my own arm off and beat the shit out of you with the bloody stump.
Just saying.
It has been a long weekend. Feel free to let a bitch or nine have it if you need to.
What is your favorite dessert?
Chocolate dipped or butterscotch dipped?
(Oh in case you were wondering: I spent $85 total and got 6ish things for Charli, 6ish things for me (including a brand new Anne Taylor crushed velvet jacket), 10-15 things for X and a lamp for my living room.)
Tags: bitch, deal, etiquette, goodwill, labor day, rude, sale, shopping, thrift store, value village
