YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Sep 24, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Friday! WOOOOOOOOOO!
This week has been my first week on the floor of my new mystery job. I will say that it isn’t as easy as I hoped but it has also been such a kick ass challenge … that I am happy that it is not easy. I am forced on my tippy-toes all day every day. By the end of the day I am dead to the world.
Anyway, I haz letters.
Dear Same Jehovah Witness:
Um, no. I slammed the door in your face. So, when you see me at Walgreens, it is NOT a good time to talk to me about my belief or disbelief in God or Baby Jesus. The fact that you started the sentence with “I remember you, I bet we are neighbors” didn’t make me any more fuzzy about your fucking face in my face.
Furthermore, if you plan on having your face in someone else’s face, chew gum. K?
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Dear D,
You are the best house husband ever.
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Dear Same Pants Guy,
WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I almost fell out of my chair when you walked by me with different pants on yesterday. Thank you. I was worried that you actually thought it would be acceptable to actually continue to wear them forever. Because it isn’t. Ever.
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Dear Sheesha,
Playing “Boom I Got Your Boyfriend” doesn’t make your fantasy that Jax is your man truth. I am sorry that Jax is mine and you are stalking him “reee reee reee” styles … but I think it might be time to throw in the towel. K? K.
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Dear Charli and Xavier,
I miss you. This new schedule is hectic but I know that in the long run it will be worth it. Bear with me.
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Dear DC Bitches and Just A Girl,
Fuck. You. Sideways. I am so butthurt, bitter and angry that I am missing this “shindig”. Like, I don’t want to talk to any of you for like 5 minutes after forever.
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Dear Ron Jeremy,
Um, rechargeable means just that. RE CHAA RRR GGG EEE AAA BBB LLL EEE. Don’t make me fucking grab the definition for your ass. This shit you sent me is 1) Not strong enough and 2) NOT RECHARGEABLE. How in the fuck are you gonna act like it is? If I wanted some cheap-o vibrator I would have walked to the Lover’s Package by my house and bought one there.
Boooooooooo Ron Jeremy on the false advertisement. Motherfucking Boo. My clitoris is not a happy customer. She would like me to let you know that she will not be a repeat customer and you just lost $67775689908923456.00 worth of business.
Yeah Ron Jeremy, my clitoris is an avid and experienced masturbator. It requires top of the line equipment, and a level of royalty that most cannot handle. You have failed my clitoris, Ron Jeremy. VIBRATORFAIL!
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Dear 10 pounds of douche in a 5 pound bag,
I. Don’t. Fucking. Like. You.
It isnt a joke. I am not kidding when I say that you are a fucking tool. How about get out of my face and get on the phone. How about you are late to work every day and it is only week 2? How about no one wants to talk to you and your Cougar banner sucks? How about your jokes are not funny? Howwwwwwwww about get out of my almonds without asking me first, grabbing my shit like we are friends and I okayed it. Pretty sure I didn’t. Pretty sure that I would rather you just take the whole fucking bag and not give me peehandalmonds back. I dont like my own pee hands, so why in the fuck would I want your nasty, germy, pee-y hands on my almonds?
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Eye Candy.
By popular demand, I give you L.L. Cool J:
He is the Godiva of man chocolate. As gourmet as it gets. Get naked LL. Get naked and let me fuck your face off while watching your beautiful body in the mirror while I do so. I promise that I will fuck your face back on just as good and you wont protest one iota as I repeat the process.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, jehovas witness, ll cool j, open letter, ron jeremy
