You Just Think That You Are Funny.
Oct 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, bitch
Well then.
I guess someone told me, didn’t they?
I am going to do the following things in this blog:
1) Blow a teeny bit of smoke up my own ass.
2) Rant.
Someone said this to me. A person who I don’t speak to. Someone who does not have the repertoire with me to just make a joke like that. So she was seriously saying that she 1) did not think I was funny and 2) that I think that I am funny but that I am really not funny.
Um.
(This is the blowing smoke up my own ass part.)
Actually, I AM really funny. Like, HA HA funny. I pride myself on making jokes and poking fun with the people that I care about. Shit, even people that I don’t really care about. I love to laugh. It makes me feel good when I can make another person chuckle/giggle/snort when they are having a bad day.
I said in return to this unsolicited statement: “Oh I am funny. I know that much is true.” (good one, right?)
(and then the rant.)
For someone who doesn’t even know me to say that all of this time that I have spent confident in my funny demeanor has been just me in my own head … is … fucking offensive and totally uncalled for! Especially given the context of the conversation, the fact that not a single person in it was even acknowledging her presence OR the fact that … really?? No one even asked her.
What I think is funny is that sometimes … more often than not lately … people assume that I am the one. The one who won’t stand up for herself. The one who will just smile and nod and take someone’s shit. The one who will be talked to like she is half of a person.
The one who will get cut off on the motherfucking freeway and NOT pull out my legaltopurchaseatWalmartifIamover18 shotgun and point it directly at their motherfucking faces while still doing 75 on I405.
All I am saying is that I may or may not have pulled my Walmart shotgun out on a bitch for less.
I get that not everyone will like me, that not everyone will always think that I am awesome. Bitch you are the least liked bitch in the establishment. How do you like THEM apples? Huh?! HUH?!?! How about next time though, recognize game? Because what I look like on the outside has no bearing on the venom that comes from within my Wicked little soul.
I will run motherfucking circles around you. While making motherfuckers laugh. SIMULTANEOUSLY.
SAY SUMPIN!
If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of candle, would you do it?
If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for?
Do you watch porn? How would you react if you walked in on your significant other watching porn?
Tags: confrontation, inappropriate, rant, rude, venom, wicked, work
YGWM, Oh CRAP & Friday Eye Candy
Jul 30, 2009 All Things X, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, You've Got Wicked Mail
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Friday.
I think that I should double up on my daily blogs, saving one and posting one because come September I am going to be back in the place of toomuchtodonotimetodoit (read: school)
I met with the director/advisor/instructor of the program I am working toward. We had a lot to discuss. Before I get into that, he looked at me, chuckled a little and said:
“You look … rested.”
“I am rested.”
“Dropping summer quarter was a good thing then?”
“Yes.”
“I must say. The last time I saw you … and I am using your words … you had “I am fucking over it” written all over your face.”
(cracking up) “I was fucking over it.”
“I didn’t want to tell you that I thought you should take a break. But I could tell you were burnt.”
“Yeah. I needed this.”
Being that I dropped summer quarter… my education plan changed a bit, extending my completion out to the end of spring quarter instead of winter. At first I was disappointed. And then, after pre-planning not just fall … but winter and spring as well … we got on the subject of what I was going to do after I was certified and licensed.
Duhhhhhhhhh, get my Masters. What else would I be doing?
And then he says: “You know, I am not sure if you thought about the length of time that you are going to be in school or not… but because of your mommy, work, and school chaos … you are going to be in school a long time.”
I sat there and pondered this statement. Long time liiiiiiiiiiiiiike ?
And then he answered. (He must have seen the smoke start to escape from my ears) “Long time like 2018.”
Uh. Two Thousand Eighteen?
Blah.
This means that 1) I will have been in school 10 years and 2) I will graduate college the same year that X graduates high school.
I mean, there really is not an other option for me. Me not getting my Masters that is. I am not the one who just gets the minimum certification. I don’t want to just be a CDP. My interest in psychology is much more complicated than that. Not only that but I am not a settler. If I am in school until I am in a walker… then so be it. I think it was the fact that him saying my 2 0 1 8 college graduation reality out loud really resonated. It became tangible. It is going to take me 10 years, but god damnit I am going to fucking finish what I have started.
/realizationofmyrealityrant
Back to your regularly scheduled programming:
Dear 100 + degree heat,
I like you. I really do. I would like you better from the inside of my AC filled house. The problem: Seattle doesn’t have the need for AC on a regular basis. You are like a free stripper on a Friday: A rarity. It would be nice to have a little warning next time. Just saying.
Dear You,
The world is not out to get you. Pretty sure. At least, I am not out to do you wrong, fuck you over, walk all over you. Other people might be, but not me. I am your friend. Period.
Dear Other You,
You are so full of fucking shit. How about try practicing what you preach? How about you take your cookie cutter inspirational statements and shove them up your fucking ass? I am done playing the game. Words will be had. And when they are out in the open, for all to hear … I will wash my hands of you.
Dear D,
I love you.
Now it is your turn. Same as every Friday. Purge your anger here so you are able to thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd how could I deny you your weekly Friday Eye Candy?
He is a really great actor. He is in one of my favorite movies of all time… Cruel Intentions.
He has a reeeeeee ee e eally nice body. I <3 his infamous 5 o'clock shadow.
Ryan Phillippe
I hope you enjoy your weekends! Dont forget to purge. I know you have at least ONE letter to write.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, graduation, kids, rant, reality, school
YGWM Friday & Oooooooh Xaaaavierrrrrr! (Etc.)
Jun 18, 2009 All Things X, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Relationships, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
TGI MF F to you all.
Welcome to my own special regular Friday blog where I open the ‘floor’ to give you all the opportunity to cuss out whomever royally pissed you off this week so that you can let it go and truly enjoy the weekend.
That is all we really want to do right?!
Dear POE,
I have been a part of many organizations. I get that with every big deal signed, there is a level of ass kissing metrics that have to go along with it. I really do get it. But I have never, ever had this level of juvenile hand holding in a group of adults. Ever.
What gets me is that your selling point in my interview was the fact (and I remember that it was repeated across the 3 people who separately interviewed me) this establishment prides itself on zero micromanagement. That, we are all adults and it is not a babysitting organization.
Tell me, what would you refer to this as then? Nannying? Adult Care?
I call it babysitting. Like with a motherfucking baby monitor by your ear so that you don’t miss a single motherfucking breath taken.
There are ways to go about what you are trying to do without handcuffing us all and making us feel like we are trapped in little boxes full of ticky tacky.
I am just saying.
Dear Gym Rat,
1) your Nike napsack on your back is not cute. It doesnt hold your water. Wanna know how I know? Because you kept “dropping it” on the floor so you could bend over and pick it up in front of the personal trainer that all of the ladies at the gym drool over every single day.
2) He is out of your league. Shit, he is out of my league.
3) if you aren’t going to work out, then leave. You doing circles around the cardio area made me nauseus and furthermore you were wasting paper towels too. You werent even using the cardio equipment that you wiped down. I am no tree hugger and even I know that is plain ignorant and wasteful.
4) You need to be working out because you are not cute. Neither is the way you switch your hip in front of the aforementioned PT. I am pretty sure I watched him throw up in his mouth the last time you shook your nasty booty in his face.
Bottom Line: Not cute. Not one iota. So knock it off before you catch me on an outwardly bitchy day and I tell you about yourself.
Dear Tarable,
I miss you.
Dear KittyFace,
I want them to come home too. Tripping me and breaking my neck isnt going to make them come home any fucking faster. GET OUT OF MY BUSINESS. BLAH.
Alllllllso as promised I am gonna in a nutshell call X’s out.
He ‘found’ $50 in his pocket. After further investigation, he did not actually find it in his pocket. He stole that shit from someone who it was given to as a graduation gift.
Right.
1) He did come clean about it.
2) He apologized to those who he affected by doing it.
3) Kanisha gave me the best idea for creative punishment ever: He will wear a sign that reads “I am a thief” one day when we have a bajillion errands to run. I may also make him write a couple of sentances to carry with so when people ask him questions, he will have something to answer with other than “I dont know”. We will see.
Kanisha rules. The end.
Lastly, before the Friday Eye Candy, I just want to say that I truly appreciate all of my friends. The ones who listen. The ones who let me cry. The ones who let me be a cunt when I need to be one. Especially the ones who respect me and understand me. I am finding thorns in my friend-bush and I am frustrated and confused as to how to help our friendship grow into pretty flowers.
I dont know. I just needed to put it out there in the universe. It helps me clearly figure out what I need to do.
And now. Friday’s Eye Candy is:
Paul Walker. His piercing blue eyes make my naughty bits tingle a lil’ bit. A lot bit actually. My favorite are pics when he has a bit of a scruffy face. Like this one:
Mmmmmmmmmmm.
Feel free to email OR comment me with Friday Eye Candy suggestions.
Now it is your turn. Its MAIL CALL BITCHES!
(Pee ESS: Happy 1 year anniversary Lilu and B!)
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, open letter, paul walker, rant, tgif, weekend, work
Mud-Dragger and Blog Plugs
Dec 18, 2008 Ranteriffic, Sound Off/Debate, Thoughts and Perceptions
I am pretty sure that several people reading this today will probably click the red X in the upper right hand corner and 1) be super butt-hurt 2) be confused 3) unsub/never return/stop being my friend.
If you are confused, that is a good thing.
If you get butthurt, and choose to do any of the other options I put out there, then ciao.
Not just one time, or any one person provoked this blog. Let me repeat that. This is stemmed from an accumulative group of emails, phone convos, text messages…. yadda. So’n'So didnt come to me and cry one time. SEVERAL So’n'So’s did. As in more than 3.
I blog about a lot of different things. Many of my topics come from real life instances that have happened to me, or people close to me. Some from what I read about or hear on the news. A great deal are more real than general, but I do my very best to keep the topics general and applicable to everyone who reads. That is how you maintain a solid readership. A group that can expect realistic, respectful real-life instances. It is how readership grows. To be respectfully controversial and relate-able to all walks of life.
If the subject doesnt fit you, then what is your incentive to stay? To keep reading? To interact with others? Exactly. There is none.
I rarely blog about someones specific problem unless it is my own. If and when I do, 1) I always ask permission. 2) I never disclose things that would call that person out or anyone else effected in the situation. 3) I always attempt to be respectful of both sides, regardless of my personal opinion.
If you feel like it is about you, maybe you should check your life.
Do you have a reason to feel guilty?
Is there a reason within yourself that you need to put in check?
You could pick up a Cosmo or a Vogue and read about a bazillion different relate-able instances to your life. Does that mean the author picked your specific brain and called your ass on the carpet to do so? No. They didnt. That is probably because there are many many other people in this world who have similar life happenings as you.
Stop avoiding responsibility for your own guilt and actions and blame shifting them on to what I write. It is silly and immature. And fucking aggravating.
Until tomorrow, when I find a new persons life to drag through the fucking mud… cause that is precisely what I do everyday… Check out these blogs.
Today is the day to rant. Go ahead and blast whomever you need to blast here. I know I did.
Tags: blame shifter, eve-101.com, guilt, pointless banter, PQ Nation, rant, so'n'so, unsubscribe, vanity
‘FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!’
Dec 1, 2008 Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.
Late for work.
X missed the bus.
My coffee was gross.
The sweater I just bought made me feel like a chocolate striped whale.
My computer crashed 3 times.
Didn’t get to go to the gym at lunch because I worked through lunch because I was late.
Mad at D. Why? Because he has a penis. If you are reading this, and have a penis… chances are I hate you too.
I have officially self diagnosed myself with PMS, given the above listed things. Specifically the last one. When Mother Nature and I meet in the boxing ring once a month, D is usually the one who is dodging the blows. Not that bitch. She stays over in her corner, cackling at my crampy bitchy CUNTY disposition. for 3 weeks and at least 2 days of my PMSisode, I kinda feel sorry for him. Then again, he is a moody mofo himself… so I am pretty sure he deserves a boxing match a month. AT LEAST.
Anyway, back to this bitch Mother Nature.
I would like to kick the shit out of that bitch. I mean really kick her fucking ass. Ol’ School style. Meet her at the bike racks with 35 surrounded by a bunch of other pmsing bitches screaming ‘fight! fight! fight!’ while I bitchhandle her to the ground. I would have Rach hold my necklace and earrings ’cause if it got to the point where I needed my girls to jump in on it, she would already have a pre-planned stash spot for the goods. I know this because that is how my bitch rolls. All premeditated and shit. And she wants to kick the shit out of Mz.Nature her damn self. If the timing was right, she mighta been the instigator in the fucking first place.
I wanna pull handfuls of her hair out.
I wanna bite her.
I wanna curb stomp her face.
I wanna straddle her neck with my crotch and punch her in the face repeatedly.
Mother Nature is the bitch that I mean mug at the mall. Or anywhere I go where she is all up in my business like she does. Nosy bitch. Nosy meddling fucking bitch. Who does she think she is anyway? I bet, if all of us women got together and jumped her skank ass she would leave us alone. If we just backed her ass in a corner and let her know that we were not gonna put up with these cramps anymore. No more moodyness. She can keep the bloated uncomfortable bullshit. No more man hating… (actually… … … I wont fault her for that one.) I am taking a stand against that bitch Mother Nature, and if she doesnt comply with my requests… I am going to kick the shit out of her. Plain and fucking simple.
Mz.Nature, if you are reading this… I suggest you take some time to really think about who you are fucking with here. We are some emotional, moody, cranky bloated bitches. We are stuck between a diet rock and a chocolate covered salt lick hard place. It isnt fair what you continuously do to us on a monthly basis. Does my name even remotely sound like Eve? No. It doesnt. I dont even like apples all that much, and sure as hell wouldnt have eaten that shit if I were her. If it were a chocolate covered pretzel, maybe. But an apple? Pfft. Ya’ll coulda kept that shit.
Take your tampax and always maxi pads and shove em up your old raggedy cobweb havin’ ass.
The End.
What would you like to add to this hateblog addressed to Mother Nature?
What cravings do you have when PMSing?
Are you normally a man hater? Or just an imonmyperiodgetyourpenisawayfrommebeforeicutyou man hater?
Is there anything you need to rant about today?! Here is the place to do it, and leave laughing. 
Tags: always, chocolate, fight, hate, maxipad, mother nature, period, pms, rant, tampax
my wickedly itchy vagina.
Nov 11, 2008 Random
I think that I am going to kill a bug in a really angry way.
Hurry. Someone go email my boss and tell them that I am mentally unstable. 
I could live without fucking meetings.
I do not need to take an entire hour out of my day to go to a meeting. How about send me a powerpoint presentation on the important bullet points of the meeting. Minus the ‘what ifs’ and ‘hypothetically speakings’. Definitely minus the bullshit unimportant information that is just filler for the hour.
I do not need another person to point out how big my pants are and the fact that they make me look like I have a penis.
Pointing out the negative is not the same as a compliment. Just saying.
Question: Wicked, why are your blogs always about you?
Uhm. Pretty sure that this is my blog, so that gives me the right to write about me.
I wish that I worked at ‘The Office’.
I do not wish I worked at ‘My Current POE’. (That doesnt mean I want to get fired, laid off or ‘let go’ either. A bitch gotta eat)
I need a soul fill-up. I can feel my negative sarcastic ways washing over me like a flesh eating virus.
Apparently working out cures constipation.
If I worked out more often… I am sure I would be less bitchy.
If I could just get one more hour. I wouldnt work out. I would sleep.
So 2 more hours. Just 2 more hours.
I would still sleep.
I am starting a coalition against dumb bitches.That is not directed just at females either. Wicked Against Dumb Bitches. WADB. No. Wicked Against Bitches Who Are Dumb. WABWAD.
YES!!! WABWAD. Who is in?
Oh. What did you say?? What does this blog have to do with an itchy vagina? Because I have one. Yep. My vagina itches.
Why does it itch, you ask? Nope. Not cause I am a dirty non-showering slore. Nope, of course you would think that. Actually, and I quote. “It is because you are TOO clean.” WTF. I am damned if I do and damned if I dont. So dont be a super dirty bitch OR a super clean one either. One must find the perfect ‘ph’ balance between clean and dirty.
This is what eve did to us bitches. This and pushing a human out of our vajays. Oh and the movie Carrie once a month. Thanks bitch. Appreciate it.
The end. You go.
Tags: meetings, POE, rant, the office, vagina
