Pillow Talk — 7
Mar 2, 2010 Current Events, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk
Yo! Yo! Yo!
I always give love to Ms. Lilu for inspiring my Pillow Talk blogs because she posts The Shiz My Boyfriend Says. And I love her so you should read her. Word?
(while watching SNL…)
Me: “Jlo is both the artist and the guest?”
D: “I dunno…”
Me: “What in the hell is she singing tonight?”
D: “I think she sings some mexi stuff.”
Me: “Mexi stuff? Really?”
D: “You know what I meant.”
Me: “So racist.”
D: “Yeah. That’s me. A closet racist.”
Me: “Like mexi fries? Mexi melt?”
D: “Shutup.”
(20 minutes later …)
Me: “Damn Jlo has ass.”
D: “Somethin’ has to make up for her lack of voice.”
Me: “Seriously. Enrique Iglasias needs to tell his wife about herself because dude. She sounds like a dying cat.”
D: (laughing)
Me: “What?”
D: “Jlo’s husband is not named Enrique.”
Me: “Huh?”
D: “You called Jlo’s husband Enrique Iglasias.”
Me: “Oh whatever. Enrique Iglasias … Mark Anthony … sounds the same to me.”
D: “The names sound absolutely nothing alike.”
Me: “You know what I meant!”
D: “You are the closet racist, not me.”
Me: “Wow.”
(in response to a discussion about a husband wanting an “exercise pole” in the house against his wifes will)
Me: “Any man that wants a stripper pole in the house and the wife doesn’t … that just screams infidelity.”
D: “He SAID it was an exercise pole.”
Me: “It is an infidelity pole.”
D: “I am gonna put a stripper pole in the man cave.”
Me: “You have a motherfucking death wish.”
D: “I have hella seating.”
Me: “I will kill you.”
D: “There are tools down there to install it.”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “There are MIRRORS down there.”
Me: “There will be no pole ala stripper in my house.”
D: “That is why the man cave is in the garage now.”
Me: “Die.”
D: “I am just saying. OH! There is MUSIC out there too!!!!!”
Me: “I am going to poison you.”
D: “Babe, it is all for you.”
Me: “Yeah because I am gonna walk out to the “Man Cave” and use the fucking stripper pole.”
D: “Why cant we have one?”
Me: “We can have one when we have our own wing in our house.”
D: “Really?”
Me: “Yep. Because if we have a pole, we need a swing and one of those rocking chair dong ride thingies.”
D: “I really love you.”
Me: “Duh.”
If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which song would you choose?
If you were asked to choose which time you would like to live in, which century would you choose?
Tags: love, marriage, pillow talk, Relationships
Pillow Talk – 6 (Valentine’s Day Edition)
Feb 14, 2010 Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk
Happy Monday!
I jacked this idea from Lilu … “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says” so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.
It took a little bit of an adjustment period for me to have the opportunity to gather material for these weekly installments, but now that D is on a roll … we are in business.
D: (laying in bed) “Why don’t you come over here and let me pound your pee flaps?”
Me: “My what?!”
D: “Your pee flaps. You know … where you pee … the flaps …”
Me: “Um. I get it but really?”
D: “What can I say. I am a total romantic.”
(10 minutes later)
Me: “Does your hip still hurt old man?”
D: “No. But something else does.”
Me: “What?”
D: “The tip.”
Me: “The tip of what?”
D: “Heh.”
Me: “Is this your creative way of asking me for a blow job right now?”
D: “It is neglected. That is all I am saying.”
Me: (touching it) “Does it hurt right here?”
D: (fake ass whimpering) “Yeaaaahhh”
Me: “Oh wooooooowww right now.”
(ticktockticktockticktock)
Me: “You didn’t use my Dove bar to wash your balls did you?”
D: “No I did not.”
Me: “Speaking of your balls right now…”
D: “You want to put them in your mouth?”
Me: “Pretty sure I just did. And being that I did, I think you should shave them.”
D: (looking)
Me: “You have 70’s porn star balls.”
D: “I am offended.”
Me: “No I am offended. You have 70’s porn star afro balls. Shave them.”
D: “No! They just need a trim!”
Me: “A BIC maybe!”
(same night … as I am dozing off I get a tap on the shoulder. …)
D: “psssssst. Babe.”
Me: “What?!’
D: “I am gonna jump out of a big cake on your birthday this year.”
Me: “That kinda defeats the purpose of it being a surprise if you tell me about it beforehand.”
D: “I am gonna be all oiled up in a banana hammock covered in glitter.”
Me: “Glitter? Really?”
D: “No! I meant sequins! Not glitter!”
Me: “Because sequins are way more manly.”
D: “Anyway, I think I will jump out of a box. Not a cake. A cake would be messier. I am going to jump out, all oiled up … like I said and drop it while its hot … all while professing my love for you.”
Me: “What is up with this sudden profession of love?”
D: “This isn’t sudden!”
Me: “It’s the BJ isn’t it.”
D: “NO! Well … yeah … I mean our love is the icing on the cake.”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “And the sprinkles.”
Me: “Really? You are a piece of work.”
D: “At least I am not a piece of shit. I would rather be a piece of meat.”
Me: “You are my piece of meat baby.”
D: “Did I mention that when I pop up out of this box, I will be wearing tear away chaps and a vest?”
Me: “Uhhhhh… I think you should not do that.”
D: “No?”
Me: “No. Our life is not a walking YMCA Village People music video.”
D: ” I love you.”
Me: “You just love my BJ’s.”
Would you rather eat a scorpion or lick a cactus?
Would you rather have 7 toes or have 7 fingers?
Tags: 1970's, dove, pillow talk, valentines day, village people, ymca
Guess What’s Back … Back Again? Pillow Talk … Tell a Friend
Feb 7, 2010 Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, pillow talk
Happy Monday! Guess who won the Superbowl? Psh like I give a fauxck.
I have had some emails wondering why there have been no Pillow Talk blogs as of late. Not to be a sarcastic cunt or anything but I guess I am wondering how Pillow Talk would be possible when the person (D) on the other pillow is not around to share a conversation with.
Just saying.
So, for your enjoyment, here are some recent conversation between the infamous D and myself.
(This convo took place after last weekend’s shenanigans where some random douchebag thought my name was Nicole … and all of my LOVELY friends played into it by screaming “NIKKI” as I attempted to drunkenly convince him that my name was NOT in fact Nicole or Nikki)
D: “Whatever Nikki.”
Me: “You must want to get stabbed.”
D: “I must admit, you could pull off Nikki if you really wanted to.”
Me: “Is that right?”
D: “Yeah. I mean, Nikki is a slutty name. And well … you are kinda slutty.”
Me: (Pondering)
D: “And, I mean Nikki is a bitchy name too. Like ‘I cant STAND that bitch Nikki.”
Me: “You just have it all figured out, don’t you?”
D: “Hey. I am not the one who thought your name was Nikki. I am just saying. If the slutty shoe fits… call her Nikki.”
Me: “I am going to murder you.”
Approximately 10 minutes later…
Me: “You have to wake me up at 7:30 tomorrow.”
D: “What am I, your personal alarm clock?”
Me: “You are my personal more than that and you know it.”
D: “Psh.”
Me: “Mmmmmhm. That is why you answered like that. Cause you know.”
Me: “7:30. Alright? And you better wake me up nicely.”
D: “I know how I am gonna wake you up. HehHehHeh.”
Me: “NO! I am NOT A MORNING PERSON GOD DAMNIT!”
D: “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
Me: “Really? Have we just met?”
D: “What I was GONNA say was I would just wake Charli up early and let HER deal with your non-morning person ass.”
Me: “That would be stupid on your part.”
D: “Why?”
Me: “Because she isn’t a morning person either and I will be getting ready for work, so you will have to deal with her bratty ass.”
D: “Fuuuuck.”
Me: “Yep. Better stick to just waking me up nicely.”
D: “Thisdick.”
Me: “You are a 6th grader.”
D: “Deeeeeeznuttts.”
Me: “I often find myself questioning why I even talk to you.”
Because he takes care of me so well when I am sick…
Me: “I feel like shit right now. My throat and ears feel like sandpaper on the inside.”
D: (smirking)
Me: “I wish I could shove my hands down my throat and scratch them. Blah!”
D: “I think I might have a cure for that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit.”
D: “I am just trying to help you scratch the deepest parts of your throat baby.”
Me: “I swear to Christ I hate you.”
D: “Why such hatred? Here I am fixing the problem and you are so ungrateful.”
Me: “Whatever.”
D: “Fine. Don’t come crying to me when your throat still itches. That is, unless you have made the decision to allow me to *ahem* scratch that itch.”
Me: “Idontwantit!”
D: “Such ungratefulness these days.”
Would you rather fight Mike Tyson, or permanently talk like him?
If you had to assassinate one famous person still living, who would it be and how would you do it?
Tags: love, marriage, mike tyson, pillow talk, superbowl
Pillow Talk – 3
Sep 30, 2009 Etc., Masturbate-able, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love, pillow talk
I jacked this idea from Lilu … so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should.
D: “We are doing it tonight and I am not taking no for an answer.”
Me: “Wow. You are so romantic.”
D: “How could I make it sound more romantic?”
Me: “I don’t think it is possible to be any more romantic than that.”
D: “What if I said making love?”
Me: “Um no. This isn’t Days of Our Lives.”
D “Like sands thru the hourglass…”
Me: “You are such a cliche housewife.”
D: “Am not.”
Me: Really? Um … stories? Um … ice cream?”
D: “I do NOT watch stories.”
Me: “90210?”
D: “Shhhhh!!!”
Me: “Mmmhm.”
The next day:
D: “You fucking fell asleep!”
Me: “I didn’t say no.”
D: “That is some bullshit.”
Me: “Whatever. Me being asleep hasn’t stopped you before.”
D: (creepy laugh) “heheheheeheeehehe”
Me: “Exxxxxxactly. You missed the opportunity.”
D: “Fine.”
Me: “Did I just give you the green light to sleep fuck me?”
D: “NO TAKEBACKS!”
Me: “What are you, 5?”
D: “5 inches from the ground maybe.”
Me: “why do we even have conversations?”
D: “Blog material.”
Me: “I am again reminded that I love you.”
What tv sitcom parents would you have wanted if you had to pick?
Tags: conversation, marriage, pillow talk
Pillow Talk – 2
Sep 23, 2009 Family, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables
I jacked this idea from Lilu … so I gotta always show her some love. If you don’t read … you should be.
D: “I should have taken these fries out way earlier”
Me: (grabbing one and shoving it in my mouth) “I like them crunchy”
D: “Me too. I cant eat them like that anymore.”
Me: “Oh yeah I forgot. You are in your pre-denture phase.”
D: (trying to act offended)”How DARE you make fun of me for being dentally-challenged.”
Me: “Hey, I don’t discriminate.”
D: (snicker) “I may be dentally challenged but I am not orally challenged.”
Me: “No you sure are not. It is one of the top 5 reasons that we are still together.”
D: “The funny thing is, you aren’t laughing.”
Me: “Truth.”
D: “It’s okay, a house husbands job is never done.”
D: “I love this picture.”
Me: (grimacing) “My face looks fucking fat in it.”
D: “Uh. Well. You had … There was … You were … Considerably…”
Me: “Are you gonna finish one of those sentences?”
D: “There was considerably more to you last summer.”
Me: (Stifling a laugh) “Considerably more to me? Is that your final answer?”
D: “Yeah i am gonna go with that.”
Me: “Interesting.”
D: “I fucked myself out of some ass, didnt I?”
Me: “Why do you say that?”
D: “I agreed with your fat face comment.”
Me: “It WAS fat.”
D: (pause) “Yeah, I am sticking with my original comment.”
Me: “You saying that there was “considerably more to me” is still calling me fat. Just in bigger words.”
D: “But I didn’t say it.”
Me: “Considerably more?”
D: “I said that not the other.”
Me: “You are digging a hole here.”
D: “Do I still have ass potential?”
Me: “Only because i too have needs.”
D: “Well if it is any help, you are considerably less now.”
Me: “Really?”
D: “I will shut up while I am ahead.”
Me: “Really?”
D: “I was never ahead, was I?”
Me: “Why are you still talking?”
Tags: fat, love, marriage, pillow talk, Sex
Pillow Talk – 1
Sep 1, 2009 Family, Masturbate-able, Random, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, love
Lilu does “The Shiz My Boyfriend Says”. These installments … little fly on the wall moments … are blogs that I look forward to on a weekly basis.
Why? Because it is blog-reality. It is a peek into real life relationships. Real life love. No acting. It is my life … but in DC. And instead of kid brats, cat brats. I find myself going “holy fuck, I am not the only one?” during many a blog-read. I totally feel like a psycho, but whatever. Lilu is my DC other half and I am pretty sure I blog-crush her face.
(in a totally non-REE-REE-REE way of course)
Anyway, I insert random and totally inappropriate conversations all over my blogs between D and I. I figured it might just be awesome to steal Lilu’s idea and make it mine. I am pretty sure if she wants to fight me about it, I will grab my lime green kiddie pool and a shit ton of whipped cream and we would have it the fuck out.
Just saying.
So last night I am laying in bed, cozy … comfortable … snuggled in my blanket. D comes in, flipping on light switches, being all motherfucking loud like he does. So I sit up and I am watching him fuck around with the pillows. He is focused, making this … platform out of them. At first he doesn’t notice me watching him stack the pillows.
D: (finally looking up) “What?”
Me: “What do you mean what?”
D: “What are you looking at?”
Me: “I … am just trying to figure out what the fuck you are doing.”
D: “Watch and learn.”
This man … my husband proceeds to demonstrate the “ice cream cubby” that he has created with his pillows. He has crafted such a device that he doesn’t have to hold his ice cream while eating it. Where he can prop his head on one arm while the other shovels cookies and cream ice cream in his face.
I know.
Me: “Really?”
D: (laughing with a mouthful of ice cream) “I need to invent some shit. That bitch who made the snuggie is raking it in.”
Me: “What would you invent?”
D: “I dont know. Something fucking cooler than a snuggie.”
Me: “Like your ice cream contraption?”
D: “Don’t hate. When I am rich you wont bitch about spending that shit.”
Me: “Truth. Oh and tell me. Tell me that the reason why the lotion is on my fucking nightstand is not there for the reason I think it is there for.”
D: “Uh.”
Me: “YOU ARE JACKING OFF ON MY SIDE OF THE BED?”
D: “It is closer to the TV.”
Me: “This TV is HUGE. Really?”
D: “You have the advantage. You ALWAYS get the side closest to the TV!!”
Me: “You are joking.”
D: “No. I am just taking what is rightfully mine when you aren’t home.”
Me: “You have an entire Man Cave for this business.”
D: “No. I cant whack off where other men dwell. That is just wrong.”
Me: “Soooo… I am laying in it.”
D: “No!”
Me: “You have horrible aim.”
D: “No. My aim is spot on. I got you pregnant, didn’t I? Twice.”
Me: “Yeah because that is the same.”
D: “You know it is. Now sit on my face.”
Me: “You are so romantic.”
D: “The romanticist. VAGINA COME TO ME.”
Me: (rolling over) “Um… so yeah. Goodnight.”
So there you have it. Kinda boring, but … hey. We are an old married couple after all.
Feel free to word vomit whatever it is that you want to today. Maybe a rant? Maybe an open letter?
Have you seen any good movies lately? DVD or theater?
Are you stoked for fall TV? I know I am! What shows are on your lineup?
Tags: cookies and cream ice cream, eat, marriage, pillow, pillow talk
