Mean People Suck.
Nov 9, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, bitch
I think that it is karma. Karma against me because I used to be one of these mean people.
How is it that I get all of the mean cunts on the phone?
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work!”
Cunt#1: “Why are you yelling?”
Me: “I am sorry, I am not yelling. It must be my headset.”
C#1: “Whatever you are selling I am not buying.”
Me: “How do you know I am selling anything.”
C#1: “I can tell by your enthusiasm.”
Me: “So someone enthusiastic is a sales person?”
C#1: “I said I am not buying.”
Click. Er. ?
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work! How are you today?”
Cunt #2: “I am busy.”
Me: “Well can I schedule a time to speak to you at a time when you are not busy?”
Cunt #2: “No. I would like to know why you are calling me because you assholes keep bugging me.”
Me: “Oh we are bugging you?”
Cunt #2: “Yes. I am sick of the calls.”
Me: “Well, Cunt #2, I was offering you a free whateveritisthatIsell but since we are such a bother, I will offer it to someone else.”
Cunt #2: “A free whateveritisthatyousell?”
Me: “Too late. Have a nice day.”
Click. Mmhm.
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work! How are you doing!?”
Cunt #3: “Mmmmhm. I am aight.”
Me: “Just aight? Anything I can do?”
Cunt #3: “You can get to the point.”
Me: “Sounds good. Listen I needed to talk with you about some really awesome changes that have happened with Where I Work. These changes will directly affect you in the following ways:”
Cunt #3: “Didn’t I say to get the point already?! What the fuck do you want?”
Me: “I wanted to give you a free whateveritisthatIsell, Cunt #3 … but apparently you are not interested in that free whateveritisthatIsell. Have a wonderful rest of your day.”
Click.
And finally:
Me: “Hi! This is Wicked from Where I Work!”
Cunt #4: “Oh HELL no.”
Click.
Let me fucking tell you AGAIN THAT I AM NOT THE ONE.
NOT
THE
ONE
NOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Who do people think they are? Do people REALLY talk to others that way? I mean, I am a cunt if I am provoked. But if someone calls me all perky styles … in a NON TELEMARKETING FASHION … I do not have it in me to be a cunt!
How about if you knew how pretty and awesome and gangster I was, you would be A LOT NICER TO ME.
I am just saying.
What song do you hate the most?
What color are your bed sheets?
Would you rather be a fish or a bird? Why?
What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Who Put the Douchebag in the Fishbowl?
Apr 6, 2009 I Forgot to Tag
We have all heard the saying “There are plenty of fish.” in reference to dating, love, relationships… break-ups… whatever. It seems as one jumps into your bowl just as soon as another makes its way back into the pond with the other fish. Sometimes, if you are talented, you could manage to feed more than one fish at a time. It is wise to keep them all in separate bowls though, because fish tend to ravage and turn against each other when they need to make room.
It’s true. I read it in a book once. Speaking of books, I have a short, completely hypothetical story to tell you.
Wannahearithereitgoes.
Once upon a time there was a Princess who had never been in love. She tried and tried and tried to find ‘the one’. Each time she cast her line into the pond of princes, she would get a bite. But pulling the line in was not as successful as the bite.
Some were needy fish… clinging to her every breath.
Some were ugly fish… and I am not talking about the physical appearance. They were game playing fish. Ones who would hop from fishbowl to fishbowl… taking nibbles of food from each.
Many of the fish she caught used her, abused her… and left her battered and broken from the inside out.
One day, after many days of endless baiting and casting… the Princess decided that she would no longer fish. She was tired of fishing for Princes that did not see her worth. She decided that she would wait for a Prince to cast his line out, and let her take the bait for once. Then maybe, just maybe he would truly be looking for the same thing she was. True Love… and a realistic Happily Ever After.
So she waited. The Princess went about her Princess-Like-Duties… until she fell into a social situation with a Prince. One who she thought could be the potential Prince of her dreams. All of the other Princesses loved him, and they thought that their dear Princess friend might finally have found her realistic Happily Ever After.
Boy was she wrong.
Before she knew it, her twitterpated ass was on the recieving end of some bullshit.
“I think you like me more than I like you.” (translation: “I didnt realize that I liked you so much and now I am freaking out”)
“I don’t want to end up hurting your feelings.” (translation: “I am too chicken shit to admit that this became more than I intended it to)
Uh. Wha?! Who put the douchebag in the fishbowl!!!???
Interestingly enough, the Princess wasn’t even aware of the fact that she had these ‘feelings’ in the first place. All she knew was that she enjoyed his company. She really liked him as her friend… and was down right offended at the assumption and dictation of how she felt… especially when she didnt even know herself.
Have you ever heard of the not-so-rare douchefish?
Yeah. This one was one of them. The thing about the douchefish is that they come in all shapes and sizes. They can easily go unidentified for long periods of time… and can fool even the smartest douchefish detectors. Being douchey does not have a ‘look’. You could catch the biggest and best looking fish in the pond… and after a couple of weeks in the process of getting to know your fish, realize just how big of a douche they are.
Lesson Learned. What lesson do you ask?
1) Just because someone is twitterpated, does NOT mean that they are in love. It also does not mean that you can go ahead and assume that the twitterpation is deep. Newfound twitterpation can easily be misunderstood.
2) Some people are just THAT full of themselves.
3) Douchefish are horrible pets.
4) Don’t allow someone to tell you how you feel. That is just rude.
5) Winning IS motherfucking EVERYTHING in the game of Prince-fishing.
Have you ever caught a douchefish?
What lessons have you had to learn in the game of Prince/ess Fishing?
What have you done with/to/about the douchefish in your fishbowl?
Tags: bait, break-up, dating, douche, douche bag, fairy tale, fishing, games, once upon a time, phone, prince, princess
April Fool THIS!
Mar 31, 2009 DUH, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Wicked Wisdoms
I hate April Fool’s Day.
I don’t think practical jokes are funny. Anymore anyway.
When I was younger, I used to look for anything and every way to play practical jokes on my parents. I used to get a kick out of stressing them the fuck out. I swear I am the sole reason as to why my parents have grey hairs.
I remember one time, I decided that I would have my friends brother call my mom and pretend that he was a police officer. He proceeded to tell her that I had been involved in some illegal activity, and that he couldn’t go into details on the phone. He told her that he needed her to come down to the station.
I could hear my mom fucking yelling through the reciever. Then, my dad got on the phone.
“You tell her that she can sit her fucking ass in jail until she sees the judge. We will NOT be coming to pick her up.”
(I was literally rolling on the floor laughing at this point. If you have ever met my dad, when he gets mad, he *l i t e r a l l y* gets purple. So I could totally see his bugged out purple face.)
“Sir, I am going to need you to come down here so I can discuss the severity of the charges.”
(I am surprised that he could even keep a straight face while he listened to whatever it was that my dad had to say.)
“Mmmhm, I understand. Okay, that is fair. I will come to you. What is the address? See you soon.”
(Fuck.)
So we decide to go and reveal the joke in person. I swear it was gonna be less of a drama situation than that. Of course I was like 15… so what did I know about seeing things from all angles? We pull up, and there my dad is. Standing on the porch. Purple as fuck.
Obviously this was not planned correctly. Obviously he was not in a police car. He was in a Honda.
Imagine the walk of shame that I was on at this point.
“In jail, huh?” My dad asked.
“Uhhh. April Fools?” (it wasnt even April)
“Looks like the joke is on you. You are grounded.”
(Fuck.)
Turns out, my dad saw through my bullshit. He told my friends brother calmly to bring me home. And, when he walked his goofy ass up to the porch with me, my dad grabbed him by the throat and explained something to him that no one else heard and that he will probably never ever forget.
What I didn’t see was that my mom was a hot hysterical mess. And that shit wasn’t funny. Jokes like this almost always get taken too far. That is why I hate jokes. I made it very clear to everyone around me that I was not interested in any part of the April Fools Day pranks. I better not have anything taped or glued or missing off of my desk.
That is all I have to say about that.
Are you a prankster?
What is the best joke you have pulled off? Worst?
Do you fall for pranks easily???
Tell me one time someone got you really good.
Oh. And go wish PQ a Happy Birthday.
Tags: april fools day, illegal, jail, joke, parents, phone, police, PQ, practical joke, walk of shame
I just called to say ‘I love you’
Nov 5, 2008 Friendship, Thoughts and Perceptions
When inner turmoil begins to boil over, the right person seems to call my phone and make it all better. Or at least become a temporary distraction of giggles and gossip.
She called tonight. The right fucking person. She needed to hear my laugh as much as I needed to laugh with her on the other end. From miles and miles away she knows exactly what to say. And what not to say. And, thankfully, when to fucking listen.
Typically, I don’t answer my phone. I don’t really like talking on the phone. I prefer face-to-face when I can get it, or text message if I can’t. I have a handful of people that I always answer their calls when I actually hear the phone ring… because normally, my forgetful ass leaves my phone on silent all evening after work, and miss a bajillion calls. Heh. What can I say… my phone is not that important.
Okay, I am lying. My motherfucking phone is damn important. Whatever.
Truth be told, I just have so much going on in my life that a phone conversation is an added thing to deal with. Texts, IM’s… they are multitasking forms of communication for me. They arent less personal than talking on the phone for 5 hours. Not to me. Some of my best friends ever are people who I strictly communicate via text or IM. Is that insane or what? I dont love them any differently than someone I talk to on the phone every day… Is that possible?
So I screen calls. Yep. I sure fucking do. And, I generally dont answer calls… except for when I need that call. I do not know how to explain the feeling, it is just there. If you are one who gets them… you know what I mean. Sometimes you just know that a person needs you to call them. Not wants… needs. I get the urge sometimes, and I will call that person or those people, just to make sure that they know I love them. That they hear it from my voice. Beyond any text message in the world, hearing that on the other end of the receiver makes all the difference in the world.
I appreciate my friends. The ones who get it. And me. And even if you are just like me in the sense that you just plain dont ‘do phone’… replace the word ‘called’ in the title with ‘text’ or ‘emailed’ or ‘imed’ and it is just as meaningful to me that you took the time out to act on the feeling that I may have needed to hear it.
You know??? Of course you do. You get it.
So, if a person pops into your thoughts out of no where, just take a second to ____ them and tell them you love them. It will probably 1) turn their frown upside down, 2) mean the fucking world to them and 3) take a really shitty day and pump some much needed sunshine into it.
My 2 cents.
How do you communicate with people?
Do you have close relationships with people whom you have never or rarely speak to?
Do you ‘do phone?’
Tell me of a time when that person called you, and made you smile without even really knowing that you needed it.
Tags: 'do phone', communication, friends, i love you, IM, laugh, phone, smile, sunshine, text
