Living Wicked

Randomly Observant.

Oct 12, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, I WIN!, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show

I like to observe people. People observation is a big fat WIN in my book. Annnnnnnnnnd, my new POE has given me much to observe.

Let me tell you … I get to watch …

People interacting with other people.

People interacting with themselves. Yes in that way too. I may or may not enjoy watching masturbation. (No this doesn’t mean that I have watched someone at my new POE masturbate.)

People having (insert air quotes) secret interactions.

People being catty fucking bitches to other people when they think that people aren’t people observing them. (hypothetically speaking)

The best part? That people have no idea when and where I get my observe on. I am that slick. No lie. Ever since I was little, I have had the ability to eavesdrop/people watch unnoticed. Undetected. If we have been in the same general vicinity ever in life I probably have done it to you without even realizing it.

It is like my brain never stops.

For instance: I know that this one broad l o a t h e s this other broad that I know. Like, drinks a big glass of haterade every morning with her name on it. Whenever the one broad isn’t looking, this broad is all kinds of ‘ihateyoubitch’ eyeballing her. And then smiles in her face all cheeky-like.

The funniest thing about this is that the catty broad doesn’t fucking know. What specifically doesn’t she know, you ask?

1) That the other broad is not the one
2) That neither am I
3) That catty-ness is not cool.
4) That if she continues to be a cunt I will most likely tell her about herself.

Also, I am absolutely in the know when a person wants to stick their penis into someones vagina. I thoroughly enjoy watching this kind of interaction between 2 people. It is like watching 2 sticks rub together, trying to make a friction fire.

Not only that but I also know what size the penis is without seeing it. Tarable can cosign. Furthermore, I pretty much picture what every person I meet ’s privates when I see them. That, and them having sex too.

I know right!!!!!? I haz talents.

With that said, I am taking my random ass thoughts to bed with me. I need to rest my head in order to give 150% at work tomorrow. Apparently 110% doesn’t work in this business.

What is your name spelled backward?
What is your favorite pizza topping?
Have you ever ordered something off of an infomercial? If so, what?

Tags: i haz talents, masturbate, paris hilton, penis, people watching, Random, vagina, work

TMIThursday: Uninvited PenisGuest & Cherry Pop.

Jul 22, 2009 Friendship, Random, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage.

Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!

You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.

If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…

Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….

Today’s TMIT will be like the mixtape of TMIT’s. I have a few short, totally related stories that are starring none other than the love of my life, D. He has been so gracious (read: given no choice) to allow me to put his majorly hilar. and totally inebriated fuck-ups.

Once upon a responsible life of 2 kids and responsibilities… there lived a me and D. We had parties. They were parties that consisted of a great deal (read: pyramid’s of beer cans) of alcohol present among other favors that could be punishable in a court of law if caught participating in. (I will leave that to your own wicked imaginations) So we would get smashed. Completely belligerent. The most affected? D.

I know, right!? Shocking. Especially those of you who knew him then. Bwahahaha.

Annnnnnyfuckingway.

Story number 1 of Uninvited PenisGuest:

We are all hanging out. Our good friend brought his new but old but new girlfriend over to hang out, and (I am almost positive) introduce us to her for the first time. We were all sitting in the living room, watching TV. D and our friend get up to smoke on the deck outside. Our loveseat sat perpendicular to the sliding glass door. New but old but new girlfriend was totally zoned out, watching the movie with her back to the slider. I was across the room on the couch.

Something told me to look up at what the boys were doing, and when I did, I was horrified to see D standing over the back of the loveseat, his penis rested gently on her shoulder. Horrified, I make eye contact with him. He seems to think the event is epic, (that’s what she said… I get it) and when he saw the look on my face … I am pretty sure that was when his brain cells connected as to how NOT COOL it actually was.

We both dart our eyes to our friend, who (rightfully) was livid.

Because none of us wanted new but old but new girlfriend to be made to feel awkward, this was the silent-eye-contact convo that happened.

Friend: “Are you fucking for real?”
D: “So this is not okay?”
Me: “Are you really asking us that?”
Friend: “Get your DICK off of my girls shoulder, dog. Now.”
D: “Are you sure? I mean…”
Friend: “NOW.”
D: (backing up slowly) “My bad, dog.”
Me: (looking at new but old but new girlfriend to see if she noticed. she didnt.) “THANK YOU.”
Friend: “I should fuck you up right now.”
D: “No disrespect. I thought it was funny.”
Friend: “SO not funny.”
Me: “Yeah. Like not even close to funny.”
D: (pathetic face)

Meet my husband. The Puthispenisonhershoulder Guy.

Uninvited PenisGuest Story # 2.

At one of the many parties we hosted, the knife hit was discovered. Or rediscovered. Whatever. Anyway, amongst the heavy drinking and endless knife hits, D became … what is the word I am looking for?! W A S T E D. Right. Wasted. Thanks.

After a several minutes, we all kinda stopped and looked around. D was missing. I scan the living room and the deck. I wander around to the dark staircase and decide to head up to see if he passed out upstairs. Instead, I trip over him. He was passed out face first, on the staircase, his pants and boxer briefs at his ankles.

*le sigh* Decisions, Decisions.

A good wife would have channeled her inner secret squirrel stealth pants pulling up skills and put him to bed.

Heh. I am NOT a good wife.

I snorted and hollered for all of our equally inebriated friends to come see D and his ballsandmore spread eagle on the staircase.

If I would have had a camera then … I would have taken a picture. And I would still have it and I would post that shit on this blog.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I dont. So you are all left to picture my husband and his balls passed out on a staircase. You are welcome.

Last but not least… A TMIT feature from the archives of Tarable:

“Okay so I had liked this guy since I was a freshman. Junior year rolls around and we are at a party at my friend’s house. As high school parties go we were all too drunk off some random fruity vodka drink and the guy I liked was there. One thing lead to another and we ended up in an upstairs bedroom. You may assume that we had sex, but we didn’t. At the time I was the big V and didn’t want to yet, but we pretty much did everything else. When Dan woke us up the next morning he completely freaked out on us.

The worst part was that it was on his face! Ask me how quick everyone at school found out that he popped my cherry.”

There you have it folks, 3 TMIT’s for your Thursday enjoyment.