You know the drill. Purge your weeks in open letter forum so that you can fully enjoy your weekends.

Dear D,

Okay.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Zac,

Remember when I performed “Sideways” as if I were E-40?

Heh.

When “It Aint No Fun” is performed, I am going to perform it as if it were my song that I wrote. Word for word. Annunciation for Annunciation.

Prepare to be impressed.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

My vagina officially has a password on it. Might wanna start looking or new porn because after 3 failed attempts, you are locked out indefinitely. i.e. fuck off you sneaky sonofabitch.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Tomorrow,

I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED. Like if excited had a password, it would be “SNOOP”. If Snoop had a password it would be “MY TITS IN YOUR FACE”

You cannot come quick enough.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Tarable,

Be careful what you wish for.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear D,

For someone who is trying to not be that guy, you are really being that guy.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Vagina,

You need your cobwebs swept.

Love, Kim

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Mom,

Why don’t you call the firing squad in Oregon to get your irresponsible son on the phone. I am not his fucking keeper. I am sorry that he is avoiding you; I did what I could. Stop calling me eleventy million times every day about it. I did my part.

I love you but gaaaaaaaaah geoufmyface.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear You,

Kick rocks to Panama City and then do something with this:

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear PL,

Dont front like you want this when you really cannot handle it.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear IamgladInevermetyou,

You are a horrible, selfish, 2faced, childish human being. You have zero idea what friendship is or what it even means. I am so glad I never met you.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Life,

Why are you so complicated?

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Fat,

Fuck off and fall off.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Self,

You did it! Now all you need to do is work on repeating it every month. You aren’t gonna be the one with the fluke one time success. You have to apply that success to everything that you do.

Next stop — Hawaii!

———————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Fake Bitch,

I know what you think of me. I know that you are jealous. The problem is that it is all you. You are jealous because you are jealous … not because I ever did anything to you. I have just been myself and tried extremely hard to form some kind of commonality with you. I cannot help it if you are an insecure person. I cannot help it if you struggle with yourself and your own success/happiness.

What you need to do is stop blaming the world for your own shortcomings.

————————————————————————————————————————-

Now for some much needed eye candy:

British Rugby star Jonny Wilkinson

Annnnnnnnnd the beautiful Monica Bellucci…

Your turn. Let it out. You know you wanna.

Dear Sex,

2 more days and you will be mine.

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Bitch,

If I could tell you about yourself and have it make a difference… I would. You are the most evasive, non confrontational bitch I have ever met. I am glad I am not your friend because it would be a waste.

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear OTHER Bitch,

Really? Now? You just pop back in all nonchalant like? It doesnt work that way. Sorry. There is a lot of proving to do in order for there to be any sort of relationship.

Now is the time to grow up and stop being so motherfucking selfish and self absorbed.

————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Tarable,

Thank you for being my best friend. You make me smile and I know that we are life partners. I love you.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Dear You,

What is YOUR fucking excuse? God you drive me fucking crazy.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Dear New Guy,

It felt amazing jacking you for your scrilla. Don’t leave money on the table in this department because you will get smashed like Danger smashed the homie.

I take great pleasure in it and will continue to make your life a silent treatment side comment to your face living hell until you crack like the little bitch that you are.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Girls Trip,

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Xavier,

I am trying to understand your logic. I am trying to get how you continuously lie and avoid responsibility and pull the most random and inappropriate shit on a regular basis.

I am trying to love you.

I am trying to pull our little family together … and every time I do … you are fucking up to the point where I cannot even stand the sight of your face.

What am I missing here? What haven’t I taught you? Why would you rather be in trouble than be a positive contributor to this family? I miss you so fucking much that it hurts but I refuse to reward your behavior time and time again.

You do not have to act like this. I am going to give you good attention if you will just knock it the fuck off and let me do it.

Please. Please stop this behavior.

————————————————————————————————————————

And for some Friday Eye Candy!

Hayden Christensen..

Ms. Kat Von D…

Alright … your turn. Let it go. Get it out. Tell a bitch allllllllll about themselves!!!

Alright folks. You know what time it is… Purge your weeks in open letter format so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!

Dear Hallmark Holiday,

Thank you for letting me be alone on yet again another stupid holiday surrounded by all the couples with their stupid coupleness.

I get that I am a fuck up this year. But really, 5 years in a row? What did I ever do to you?

I might as well buy 19 cats and a Costo case of frosting and a pair of elastic wasted poly-cotton blend pants that are too short so it looks like I am waiting for a flood while wearing some crocks.

Put me on the people of walmart website or out of my misery.

Love Tarable

——————————————————————————————————————-

Dear TaraJean,

I know that technically you are alone for this stupid Hallmark holiday … but you are surrounded by 4 people who love the shit out of you. So really, you have 4 Valentines instead of none.

We love you.

The Georges
———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear You,

Hmmmmm….

———————————————————————————————————————————-
Dear PuttingByMyDesk,

Find a new fucking isle.

I am not trying to be Debbie Downer or anything but GEOUFHERE.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear PS3

I am sorry that we don’t spend that much QT together.

Love, D

——————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Negative Ass, GHETTO, Crotchety High Maintenance MotherFucking Owners,

You and I both know that the reason you have a motherfucking attitude problem when I call you is because your broke as a joke asses cannot afford the dream picture that I EXCITEDLY paint for you on a daily motherfucking basis.

Dont be mad at me because you live in a double wide that is rotting from the outside and when you go to our LUXURIOUS MOTHERFUCKING CONDOS you are reminded of the trashyness that you possess.

GET A MOTHERFUCKING ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND BUY SOME MOTHERFUCKING CREDITS SO I CAN RING THE BELLLLLLLLLLL.

K?

Love Wicked.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear New NameDropping Bitch,

No one cares who you know. No one cares that you drive a Lexus. No one cares that you have a heritage. No one cares how much sales experience you have. No one cares about your ugly ass fake ass clip on hair thing that you bought from the kiosk in Alderwood. No one cares. No one.

I dont know who the fuck you think you are being the new bitch telling your bosses that you are bored and that you are gonna go home. Furthermore, we go to lunch for FOURTY FIVE MINUTES … not an hour and FOURTY FIVE MINUTES.

Your shit smells just like the rest of ours.

K?

TarablyWicked

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear NewFuck,

You are a piece of motherfucking work. I promise you that if anyone is above the rules in this department … it for sure is not you. You don’t know people. WE KNOW PEOPLE. So your over explitave, brown nosing, hat wearing, think you know the inside joke of all inside jokes motherfucking ass needs to check yourself. Because there was a before you … and there will be an after you.

Bet that.

TarablyWicked

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Dr,

Thank you for confirming that I am not as fat as I was. It is now official that I am 36 pounds lighter. However, fuck you and your scraping. It was not comfortable or fun or awesome. In fact it was the exact opposite of awesome.

Furthermore, I will thank you for telling me that I didn’t have to come back for 3 whole years. It ALMOST made the scraping worth it. Almost.

Also, thanks for the comedy while molesting my boobs.

Love TarablyWicked

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Mya,

I wanna say sorry and that you are my best friend.

Love Charli

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear D,

You have been motherfucking OFF ONE. I think that I know why. It is because you have little to no contact with adults.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Pedicures and Haircuts,

THANK MOTHERFUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Exercise,

I am working you back in. I didn’t forget about you. Not one bit. I really really really miss you.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Charli,

Use the potty. Thanks.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

And now for some Eye Candy…

Dwayne Johnson ….

Annnnnnnnnd Alicia Keys.

Alright folks… let it out. You know you have at least one fucker to vent about open letter styles.

Blind yet? Heh.

Alright. Let’s get on with the open lettering.

Dear IDIOTS,

Idiot #1: You are so fucking stupid. I feel sorry for your kids who have to grow up in an idiot filled environment. Because of you, there is now a clan of idiots roaming the state of Oregon freely and idiotically.

Idiot #2: You are totally unaware of the level of idiot you possess. To have to be near you on a regular basis is fucking paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainful.

Idiot #3: Really?! Lies? All of them? No one feels sorry for you anymore. In fact, it is the opposite. What happens after, is going to be well deserved for all of the lying.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Everyone,

I don’t give a fuck about the following:

1) The Olympics
2) Your issues.
3) Lost
4) Twilight
5) Avatar

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Sickness in my Throat and Sinuses and Ears and Bodyaches,

FUCK THE FUCK OFF. I am not submitting to your nastiness. I refuse. GET OUT OF MY AREA.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Self,

You need to stop letting your own doubt prevent you from success. What are you so god damned scared of? What do you have to lose? Just ASK for it. The very worst that can happen is that the answer is no.

Stop giving yourself roadblocks. It is unnecessary stress that you do not need.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Charli,

Please leave me to sleep alone for like 3 nights a week. That is all I am asking. I love you to death but seriously?! I would like some sleep without you in my personal space. I am over your feet in my back. I am over your face in my face. You are a kicker and a bed hog and I would really like a night of sleep in peace.

I am | | <--- this close to begging for it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Writers Block,

Seriously? Get the fuck out of my life. I have the ability to write an entire manuscript of poetry and another SC, which is what everyone is waiting for ... but when it comes down to actually putting content on paper, you are there ... COCKBLOCKING my creativity.

FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF AND DIE.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear You,

Blah. Why is it that half the time I hate you and the other half I dont?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tarable,

I am glad you are being an adult. I am proud of you and I love you and I am here for you always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sunshine,

I miss you. Can we catsup soon?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Inner Fat Girl,

If I could reach inside of myself and stab you to death I would. You are counterproductive to my goals.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now for some Friday Eye Candy... Thanks to Cass's recommendation I present Mr. Taye Diggs!

Annnnnd … Ms. Cameron Diaz

There you have it folks. You know the drill … purge your weeks in open letter form, so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!

I apologize for no Friday Eye Candy … or a venting place for the weekly purges … but it was in fact Christmas … and I figured it would be better to host your weekly venting place after the holidays and the after holiday sale madness.

Good decision?

Commence the open letters:

Tara is chomping at the bit to put some open letters out there into the privacy of her own internet space:

Dear Where Do You Want to Start,

I am fucking over it. I am tired of my busy ass life. I just want to relax with my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. K!? (Yeah she went there)

I do not want to deal with anymore:
1) Holiday fucking drivers.
2) Excuse: It’s Christmas Time.
3) Ghey ass, unreliable, (don’t make sense) Holiday Hours
4) Even though I love and absolutely adore holiday parties, I am over them. I am sick of every single weekend being booked and having to stress about what to wear, did I already wear that to a holiday party where there were pictures … etc. Not only that, but I am fucking sick of impressing people and hanging out with people that I don’t like. And, I would rather have my hot boyfriends dick in my mouth. Also, get the holiday food out of my face. Because none of it is friendly to my ass size. K?! (cosigning on #4)
5) Done.

Love, Tarable

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Muffin Top,

You hurt my feelings. You are not cute. You make me feel like all of the bitches I make fun of, and not be excited about fitting into my new size 11 jeans. I haven’t been a size 11 since I was born. Even if I bought a bigger size, it would be just as bad because you would move to my ass and make it look like I pooped my pants and that is not fair.

Get out of here you muffiny fuckin bitch.
Tarable

—————————————————————————————————————

Dear You,

I am over it. I am over it for my friend who is also over it. She wants to put it in her mouth but you are being a baby. So why don’t you take your crying tears and your kleenex box and cry about it via text.

Just saying.

Tarable.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Keanu Reeves,

Can I just fucking touch it? I have been waiting. WAITING. I have wanted to touch it since I was 7. Just let me touch it. Sorry hot boyfriend.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Tara,

Really? A snorer? Of allll the non sexy things you could ever do? Snore? Now you have to wear Breathe Right Strips for your hot boyfriend whos dick you want to put in your mouth to let you sleep over. Grow up its not that bad.

Tarable

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Wine,

Thank you. (No seriously)

Love, Tarable

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Family,

Thank you for not being crazy, psychotic, dysfunctional fuck faces this Christmas. It was proof that we can always get along.

Love Tara

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Donovan,

Fuck you. (Oh!) I hate you right now. I am gonna write you a letter because I love you but I kinda hate you right now. When you come home you better walk in the door, smile and make it all better (Word) annnnnnnnnnnnnd you better not do this bullshit EVER AGAIN or I will personally do something violent and that will not make you smile to you. You are the one that made the analogy of 5 fingers and then cut your own finger the hell off. On both hands. (Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum) Dont ever do it again. K? Gah. We need you here and if you dont see that … I don’t know what to tell you.

I miss you.

Love Me

————————————————————————————————————

And now for mine.

Dear Tarable,

You need to knock it off. You know what “it” is. You don’t always get your way when you want it. If you did, this one would be less interesting.

Don’t make me tell you again.

———————————————————————————————————————

Dear You,

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

And also.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Oh. By the way.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

———————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Carbohydrates,

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I would like to enjoy a slice or 9 of bread without gaining 23537y457754742w3 pounds while doing it.

I LIKE YOU BUT I CANT HAVE YOU AND IT ISNT FAIR AND IT HURTS MY FEELINGS.

BLahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhIwantsomechipsahoy.andacheeseburger.andsomepadthai.andsomemacaroniandcheese.andpizza.andstuffing.withgravy.andmashedpotatoes.andbreadandbutter.andpastaexceptforolivegarden.andredlobstercheddargarlicbiscuits.clamchowderinabreadbowl.chocolate.chipsandqueso.girlscoutcookies.alsosourpatchkids.andsoda.andstickyricewithpenutsauceonitandsomesrirachatoo.anythingfried.andagrilledcheesesandwichwithamericancheesepandaexpress.

The end. Love TarablyWicked

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Vagina,

It is almost over. You have gone the long haul and I am sure the big black cardboard check at the finish line will pay the winner (you) really REALLY WELL. Not to mention, you are (not that you werent already) gonna be really tiny. Like as if you had vagina bypass surgery or something. Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenytinyvagina.

I am proud of your sticktoitiveness.

Wicked

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Boyfriend, (From Girlfriend)

It has been several days since we have fucked. I would like for you to meet me in that one place you suggested the other day so you can bend me over and let me have it.

——————————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Xavier,

Knock it the fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are such a little argumentative fucker right now and I dont fucking get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Tara and Mom!

———————————————————————————————————————————

Dear Washington Strip Clubs,

Why can’t you show me a pretty vagine? Why are the bitches here skanky, disease infested messes? Can I just come on a Friday night and get an alcoholic beverage while staring at pretty vajay dance all in my business because you do not provide that here.

I am just sayin.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Hair,

Pick one.

Tarable

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Readers,

Thanks for Reading. Good Night.

TarablyWicked

—————————————————————————————————————-

And for some Eye Candy: Jamie Dornan

Look. I am in no mood for small talk today. Let’s just get on with it.

Dear Life,

How about go fuck yourself right now. K? I don’t need this shit right now.

———————————————————————————————————–

Dear Courtni,

You need to get it together. It needs to click. E V E R Y T H I N G depends on it. Like, everything. No one can afford for you to fail at this.

———————————————————————————————————–

Dear You,

I don’t like your attitude lately. Get out of my face with that shit.

————————————————————————————————————

Dear D,

I am not frustrated with your current choices. You have finally figured out what the right thing to do is and you are finally doing it. Thank you for that. What I am frustrated and worried and freaking out on the inside about are the past choices that are creeping up on us and affecting the entire family. I am unable to do it all by myself. Literally.

I am behind you. I am just in silent wtfarewegonnado panic mode right now. Especially because the answer is not coming to me.

————————————————————————————————————

Dear Same Pants Guy,

I really adore you. Especially considering that you wear different pants now.

————————————————————————————————————

Dear “You Just Think You Are Funny” Bitch,

Hi Hater!

I have decided that I am no longer bothered by you. I have officially become immune to your 1) horrific homemade outfits and hooker footwear 2) your face 3) your presence & 4) your voice. Fuck yourself kindly. I am planning my witty, non violent, unfireable demise. You have no idea how creative and manipulative I can be.

You have officially fucked with THE wrong bitch.

—————————————————————————————————————

You go. Let it out. Vent away your frustrations so that you can officially enjoy your Halloween weekends.

Friday Eye Candy is one that I have pondered doing before and haven’t. Why? Because he is obvious. But, I am tired and cranky and freaking out and stressed and fucking over it so this is what you get.

Mmmmm…. I almost … ALMOST … feel better.

If you are passing through a hallway and there’s an open door, do you look through it?
What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?
If you could travel through time and meet yourself when you were a kid, what would you say?

This week has been my first week on the floor of my new mystery job. I will say that it isn’t as easy as I hoped but it has also been such a kick ass challenge … that I am happy that it is not easy. I am forced on my tippy-toes all day every day. By the end of the day I am dead to the world.

Anyway, I haz letters.

Dear Same Jehovah Witness:

Um, no. I slammed the door in your face. So, when you see me at Walgreens, it is NOT a good time to talk to me about my belief or disbelief in God or Baby Jesus. The fact that you started the sentence with “I remember you, I bet we are neighbors” didn’t make me any more fuzzy about your fucking face in my face.

Furthermore, if you plan on having your face in someone else’s face, chew gum. K?

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear D,

You are the best house husband ever.

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Same Pants Guy,

WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I almost fell out of my chair when you walked by me with different pants on yesterday. Thank you. I was worried that you actually thought it would be acceptable to actually continue to wear them forever. Because it isn’t. Ever.

—————————————————————————————————————

Dear Sheesha,

Playing “Boom I Got Your Boyfriend” doesn’t make your fantasy that Jax is your man truth. I am sorry that Jax is mine and you are stalking him “reee reee reee” styles … but I think it might be time to throw in the towel. K? K.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Charli and Xavier,

I miss you. This new schedule is hectic but I know that in the long run it will be worth it. Bear with me.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear DC Bitches and Just A Girl,

Fuck. You. Sideways. I am so butthurt, bitter and angry that I am missing this “shindig”. Like, I don’t want to talk to any of you for like 5 minutes after forever.

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Ron Jeremy,

Um, rechargeable means just that. RE CHAA RRR GGG EEE AAA BBB LLL EEE. Don’t make me fucking grab the definition for your ass. This shit you sent me is 1) Not strong enough and 2) NOT RECHARGEABLE. How in the fuck are you gonna act like it is? If I wanted some cheap-o vibrator I would have walked to the Lover’s Package by my house and bought one there.

Boooooooooo Ron Jeremy on the false advertisement. Motherfucking Boo. My clitoris is not a happy customer. She would like me to let you know that she will not be a repeat customer and you just lost $67775689908923456.00 worth of business.

Yeah Ron Jeremy, my clitoris is an avid and experienced masturbator. It requires top of the line equipment, and a level of royalty that most cannot handle. You have failed my clitoris, Ron Jeremy. VIBRATORFAIL!

—————————————————————————————————————–

Dear 10 pounds of douche in a 5 pound bag,

I. Don’t. Fucking. Like. You.

It isnt a joke. I am not kidding when I say that you are a fucking tool. How about get out of my face and get on the phone. How about you are late to work every day and it is only week 2? How about no one wants to talk to you and your Cougar banner sucks? How about your jokes are not funny? Howwwwwwwww about get out of my almonds without asking me first, grabbing my shit like we are friends and I okayed it. Pretty sure I didn’t. Pretty sure that I would rather you just take the whole fucking bag and not give me peehandalmonds back. I dont like my own pee hands, so why in the fuck would I want your nasty, germy, pee-y hands on my almonds?

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Eye Candy.

By popular demand, I give you L.L. Cool J:

He is the Godiva of man chocolate. As gourmet as it gets. Get naked LL. Get naked and let me fuck your face off while watching your beautiful body in the mirror while I do so. I promise that I will fuck your face back on just as good and you wont protest one iota as I repeat the process.

In T minus 14 hours I will be off of work and heading out with a kick ass group of friends on a camping trip!

I love camping. LOVE it. I love s’mores, tent-sex, spoadies… and camp-fires.

I am stoked to get there. To set everything up, watch the kids play… and really enjoy my family and I’s first camping trip together.
With that said, I am quite positive that you will have the pleasure of a TMIT or 2 and some funny conversations due to the nature of this trip.

Now… without further adeau….

Dear Tyrese and Jeremy Piven,

I need to know if we are dating. As far as I am concerned, since I started following the both of you on Twitter, we are dating. Your lack of engagement in this relationship (i.e. RTing to my @’s and #’s) is quite disheartening. I am starting to wonder if maybe you think that you are too good to be my boyfriends.

Are you new? I have been crowned the Queen of Awesome.

This means that you need to recognize and bow at my feet of awesomeness. Get it together if you know what is good for you.

Dear POE,

I can think of sooooooooooo many more interesting things to do with my life than being an over paid data entry specialist.

1) Pull my hair out, strand by strand
2) Reading the phonebook
3) Counting rice granules

Lets try this: pat your folks on the back once in awhile. OR maybe have a leeeeeeeeeeeeettle bit of an idea as to what you are doing? Maybe some organization? MAYBE something to work toward?

I am bored. Challenge a bitch. K?

…. How do I tell you that you are being a cunt ….?

…. Yes, I really DID stop and get coffee this morning, KNOWING that I would be late to this meeting …. and no I do NOT care.

…. STOP BEING AN IDIOT! ….

…. DIVORCE ALREADY! I am sick of the rationalizations and justifications of why your marriage “isnt that bad” … HE DOESNT COME HOME. HE FUCKS OTHER WOMEN. REGULARLY. YOU KNOW IT.

…. You are not as cute as you think you are ….

…. I know you lied ….

…. if you don’t stop peeking over my shoulder. I KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO SEE WHAT I AM DOING …

…. Okay, if we fuck will you stop drooling already? ….

Annnnnnnnnd the Friday Eye Candy is…. Bradley Motherfucking Cooper. He was a complete asshole in Wedding Crashers, but his performance in He’s Just Not That Into You won me over. Annnnnnnnd I hear he was hilarious in The Hangover.

Alright folks… you know the drill: Vent your week away so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.

Welcome to my own special regular Friday blog where I open the ‘floor’ to give you all the opportunity to cuss out whomever royally pissed you off this week so that you can let it go and truly enjoy the weekend.

That is all we really want to do right?!

Dear POE,

I have been a part of many organizations. I get that with every big deal signed, there is a level of ass kissing metrics that have to go along with it. I really do get it. But I have never, ever had this level of juvenile hand holding in a group of adults. Ever.

What gets me is that your selling point in my interview was the fact (and I remember that it was repeated across the 3 people who separately interviewed me) this establishment prides itself on zero micromanagement. That, we are all adults and it is not a babysitting organization.

Tell me, what would you refer to this as then? Nannying? Adult Care?

I call it babysitting. Like with a motherfucking baby monitor by your ear so that you don’t miss a single motherfucking breath taken.

There are ways to go about what you are trying to do without handcuffing us all and making us feel like we are trapped in little boxes full of ticky tacky.

I am just saying.

Dear Gym Rat,

1) your Nike napsack on your back is not cute. It doesnt hold your water. Wanna know how I know? Because you kept “dropping it” on the floor so you could bend over and pick it up in front of the personal trainer that all of the ladies at the gym drool over every single day.

2) He is out of your league. Shit, he is out of my league.

3) if you aren’t going to work out, then leave. You doing circles around the cardio area made me nauseus and furthermore you were wasting paper towels too. You werent even using the cardio equipment that you wiped down. I am no tree hugger and even I know that is plain ignorant and wasteful.

4) You need to be working out because you are not cute. Neither is the way you switch your hip in front of the aforementioned PT. I am pretty sure I watched him throw up in his mouth the last time you shook your nasty booty in his face.

Bottom Line: Not cute. Not one iota. So knock it off before you catch me on an outwardly bitchy day and I tell you about yourself.

Dear Tarable,

I miss you.

Dear KittyFace,

I want them to come home too. Tripping me and breaking my neck isnt going to make them come home any fucking faster. GET OUT OF MY BUSINESS. BLAH.

Alllllllso as promised I am gonna in a nutshell call X’s out.

He ‘found’ $50 in his pocket. After further investigation, he did not actually find it in his pocket. He stole that shit from someone who it was given to as a graduation gift.

Right.

1) He did come clean about it.

2) He apologized to those who he affected by doing it.

3) Kanisha gave me the best idea for creative punishment ever: He will wear a sign that reads “I am a thief” one day when we have a bajillion errands to run. I may also make him write a couple of sentances to carry with so when people ask him questions, he will have something to answer with other than “I dont know”. We will see.

Kanisha rules. The end.

Lastly, before the Friday Eye Candy, I just want to say that I truly appreciate all of my friends. The ones who listen. The ones who let me cry. The ones who let me be a cunt when I need to be one. Especially the ones who respect me and understand me. I am finding thorns in my friend-bush and I am frustrated and confused as to how to help our friendship grow into pretty flowers.

I dont know. I just needed to put it out there in the universe. It helps me clearly figure out what I need to do.

And now. Friday’s Eye Candy is:

Paul Walker. His piercing blue eyes make my naughty bits tingle a lil’ bit. A lot bit actually. My favorite are pics when he has a bit of a scruffy face. Like this one:

Mmmmmmmmmmm.

Feel free to email OR comment me with Friday Eye Candy suggestions.

Now it is your turn. Its MAIL CALL BITCHES!

(Pee ESS: Happy 1 year anniversary Lilu and B!)

Yesterday didn’t count really as actual vacation. It was the “Travel Day” of the vacation, and last night I checked into the “hotel” and got settled.

It is nice to have my house to myself. I layed in bed naked and walked around naked and watched TV naked and talked to Tarable naked and slept under D’s blanket (shutup) naked. I like being naked. This picture is how I feel when I am naked in bed. (heart)

The rush of the day left my house a sty when I got home from school. I rocked the final, and decided to do a little bit of celebrating with a couple of glasses of wine. Yeah, it is cheating but I don’t feel guilty. I have successfully changed my diet and am sticking to healthy eating… going on to week 3 with little slips and a lot of successes. The one thing I did notice about drinking while SB’ing… you get drunk way faster than normal due to zero carbs in your system.

I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Today I say it is not a good thing. My stomach is demanding bread and I am fighting the urge to not give in. I know it would make me feel better.

Its cool, I deserve it.

Today I am gonna do something different and journal it. I am not quite sure what yet, but I am gonna try to do something different every day on my mini vacation, journal it and then blog about it for you! (Thanks Sunshine!)

So far, on the agenda:

*Finish work (I HAD to come in for a couple of hours)
*Run a couple of errands and pay bills
*Gym
*Pedicure/Manicure
*Tanning
*TAKE A NAP (naked)
*Masturbate
*Not rush anywhere OR do anything I dont want to OR feel pressured to do something that I dont want to do.
*Cook something new.
*Read a book. Or at least start one.
*Spend some time alone at home.
*Stop at a couple of garage sales.

Happy Friday, Friends! From this Friday on, I will have Friday eye candy.

This Friday’s eye candy is Tyrese. I dont give a damn if chocolate is your favorite … you cannot deny those abs. Yum!

What new thing should I try this weekend?
Do you have a SB friendly recipe suggestion?
Open Letter Friday is part of today’s blog… but I don’t have one to share today. That doesn’t mean that you can’t. Do you need to tell someone about themselves and cant? Do it here so you can fully enjoy your weekend.