What Not to Say to a Woman
Jul 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Family, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Plunges, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables
Enter a woman wearing a super sexy polka dot dress (read: me on Monday)
Side note: I am really on this dress kick. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I have never owned a single dress up until just recently. Tarable brought me the aforementioned polka dot dress (in a size EIGHT pee ess) because right now I have a limited selection of clothes that aren’t falling off of me … and little money to just go out and buy new clothes.
Anyway, moving on. I knew when I was wearing the dress that it was going to be one of those where you kinda just stop traffic. Black with big white polka dots, low neckline, red FMP’s… A classic dress. One of a kind. A dress that a woman feels sexy wearing. I was fully aware of the attention that it would get.
Or so I thought anyway.
I am newly accepting compliments with open arms. I dont know if any of you remember a blog that I wrote a few months ago about my having a hard time genuinely accepting compliments or not, but the gist of it was that I would not leave a compliment hanging with a negative connotation. I committed to embracing it. And I really have.
But there are some things you just do not say to a woman.
So I get to work. Do my usual turn the computer on, grab my food and put it in the fridge routine. I haven’t had a sip of my coffee.
A guy I work with, who is a constant form of flirty entertainment (he is not half bad to look at either) came around the corner and fake grabbed his chest like “be still my beating heart” styles. (cheesy I know) He told me how amazing I looked in this (now) infamous dress, and it was that look that put the extra pep in my step for the rest of the morning.
“I have still got it” I thought to myself.
All was good in my world until… He just had to open is mouth again. He couldn’t have left well enough alone.
Him: (leaning down by my desk) “I can’t get over how fine you look.”
Me: (seriously blushing) “Aww honey, thank you!”
Him: “I am serious. If I could bend you over this desk right now…”
Me: “INSERT COWORKERS NAME HERE!”
Him: “I am serious. I am gonna go home at lunch and get the lotion.”
(Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech) <--- sound of the brakes nearly crossing my sexual innuendo line of comfortablness
Me: “Uhhh”
Him: “You know you are hot for me right now.”
Me: “Riiight.. .so I gotta get back to work”
Him: “Just think about it.”
Me: “Oh. Believe me. I will.” (gag)
This is the thing. I am sexual. I eat, breathe, sleep sex. I am not the one who gets offended or thrown by a little friendly dirty talk. (yes there is such a thing) Sexual harassment is only applicable in my opinion when there hasnt been an even exchange of the aforementioned talk.
But go home at lunch and get the lotion? Ick. The last thing I want to hear about is the fact that you are masturbating to me in this dress. Like, ever. Just saying. I think I speak for the masses when I say that, we know that you rub out to us. It is an unspoken thing that is done on a regular basis. We get it. LOUD AND CLEAR.
Just, don’t tell us that you are doing it. It, ruins everything. I will no longer be able to look this jackhole in the face without picturing his masturbation face.
Thanks dick. You were one of the few decently attractive guys at work. Now, you are masturbation face guy. Not cute.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd D answers another question:
Me: “I have another blogger question for you”
D: “Yes it is really that big”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “Yes I am really that much of a pimp.”
Me: “I am going to fucking cut you.”
D: “Okay. Ask me the question and I will think about it whilst (yes he said whilst) shitting”
Me: “I officially hate you.”
D: “ASK!”
Me: “What, other than blow jobs, do you most look forward to when spending time with me.”
D: “Easy. Hand jobs.”
Me: “You will die.”
D: “BRB (yes he said it like that)”
D: “Maybe this feature isnt the best idea”
Me: “Why?”
D: “Because I have the same answer: I love to talk to you.”
Me: “aww.”
D: “Tell these beeshes to ask me different questions.”
(I have a plethora I was just warming him up)
What is the worst mental picture you have ever had?
Worst pick up line?
Tags: dress, lotion, masturbate, men, work
