Honest Tuesday’s: Hi Hater!
Dec 22, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic
Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place to come and be honest about everything you aren’t being honest about … even if I am the only one who knows it.
For today, I will admit that I am a big fat fucking hater.
If you are in love, I hate you.
If you are having regular sex and you like it, I hate you more.
I am pretty sure if I see you on the street all glow-ey like, holding hands with your oneandonlysomeone … I hate you.
I hate you if you are named Ken Adams.
If you don’t go home and drink wine alone …. instead you go home and have someone there to talk to OTHER THAN A CHILD, I hate your face.
If you masturbate because you WANT to and not because you HAVE to … biiiiiiiiiitch I hate you the mostest.
I hate you if you have a unlimited amount of money and you just sit on it all frugal like, and you dont give it to me to buy plane tickets for my friends who I miss the most to fly here and fucking kick it.
I hate you if you have a penis and aren’t sharing it with me.
If you have someone to kiss on NYE, I hate you too.
I hate you if you are all Christmas spirit-y.
I hate you if you are one of the 3 people that I hate at work.
I hate you if you are a generally negative person.
I also hate you if you are a feelings hurter.
If you cannot keep my name out of your mouth, I fucking HATE you.
I hate you if you are stupid.
I hate you if you shoot cops.
And if you are a cop killer affiliate. (i.e.. getaway driver, shelter provider, etc)
I hate you if you are my vagina because you are throbbing like no ones business and it is DISTRACTING.
Lastly, I hate you if you are all “aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwiamsosorryblahblahblahwhateveryouneediwillbetherforyou” and don’t come through.
K?
What haven’t you been honest about this week?
Tags: friends, HI HATER, ken adams, masturbation, Sex
Honest Tuesday’s: Diddling.Is.Boring.
Dec 7, 2009 Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Ranteriffic, Sex, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, bitch
Fucking welcome to Honest Tuesdays. It seems mostly that I am not in the fucking mood for intro’s lately, doesn’t it?
Well maybe it is because I AM NOT HAVING THE SEX.
And I am surrounded by people who are REGULARLY HAVING THE SEX and they WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Blah. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I have gone through a Costco sized package of AA batteries in 24 days.
PeeEss I am over it. Idon’twantit. It = a vibrator.
I want the real deal. The real deal = HOT CAHCK. CAHHHHHHHHHHHHHCK.
I am {this} close to asking for a freebie. I am not even kidding. Like, someone that I don’t even know. Just a random schmuck that I use and abuse and send on their way. Is there a Schmuck store somewhere?
I think sooooooooo!
I am a weak individual aren’t I? Maybe it would be easier if I had a no sex support system.
Hint Hint.
No? Fuck you bitches then. You bitches know who you are. K? And not in the way you are already being fucked either. I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW. I may be a hater but at least I am really while doing it.
I am starting to get angry. Angry and mad and livid and did I mention angry? Because a bitch is motherfucking angry over her G spot not being pummeled. ANGRY.
K? K.
Blah. Fuck all of you fuckers who are fucking and I am not. Fuck.
PS. Tarable can suck it for gloating in my face right now about all of the good sex she is having.. I HATE YOU JODY!
How is that for honest? Bitches.
What haven’t you been honest about lately? Spill it.
Will you be a part of my no sex support system?
Tags: fuck you tara, i hate tara, masturbation, Sex, suck it tara
I Need to Have The Sex
Nov 30, 2009 Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions
What in the fuck am I going to do. It has only been 17 days. Of 90. You do the math.
Here I am. An overly sexual person. Stripped of the sexual. Now I am an overly FRUSTRATED person. I was having a conversation with someone about masturbation. Diddling if you will. How all in all, masturbation gets old. The response was that I must not be picturing the right individual while handling business.
The truth? Diddling is awesome. But human contact is better.
The touching. The skin to skin contact. The gelling of 2 bodies. The penetration. (Yep. I said it. The motherfucking penetration.) The sweaty smell of sex between 2 people. The kissing and kissing and kissing. Did I mention the kissing? I love to kiss. It is hands down THE ultimate deal breaker for me. If you are a horrible kisser, then we will never get to the rest. Ever.
I can’t kiss myself, ya know? I mean … If I could … I would. I am a great kisser. Heh.
What in the shit am I going to do for the next 73 days? That is a great deal of touching myself. 73 days. SEVENTY THREE DAYS. Is it wrong that I want to find a poor son of a bitch to use for physical needs only? Sex is only sex, right?!
Fine. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE. So I won’t do it.
All I am saying is that it is absolutely unfair taking the sex away from me. It is like taking the gingerbread out of the man. Or the chocolate out of the chip. Or the candy out of the cane. And it is only going to get worse. *I* am only going to get worse.
Unfair is unfair. That is all I have to say about that.
Fin.
What is the longest you have ever gone without sex?
What is your favorite sexual position?
Tags: casual sex, diddling., love, making love, masturbation, Relationships, Sex
Terminator V: Rise of The Vajay.
Mar 5, 2009 Masturbate-able, Random, Sex
I am not masturbating enough.
I am moody, overly sensitive, cranky… and frankly, a huge cunt lately. I was going to make an appointment for the doctor… and then a lightbulb went off in my vagina.
Err… I mean my brain. Riiight.
Anydiddle… I started to try to remember when the last time was that I did some bean flicking. Key words here: ‘try to remember.’ Then I remembered that I broke yet another god damn vibrator. Which is precisely why I have done little self pleasuring, because when I get the time to actually push one out all by myself… it needs to be a quickie. I dont have time for self-foreplay. It takes too damn long to ‘O’ face when my fingers do all the work. Call me lazy, but I would rather a machine… or ironically a MAN handle the labor in that department.
What is up with me and my vibrator destruction? I am like a clit stimulating terrorist. My vagina seeks to destroy all masturbatory tools.
I have Terminator V: Rise of the Vajay in my pants right now.
Scared!? Dont vibrate anywhere near a bitch and you will be safe from certain death.
Dont get me wrong, my glass dong is pretty kick ass, but I have found it more useful when I have play dates with others. There is not a vibrating feature… with several speeds… that fits in my purse. I need an indestructible vibrating device. That I can slip in my purse and bust out at will.
That doesn’t sound like a freaking chainsaw.
So that is the diagnosis. Wicked – regular masturbation rituals = big fucking beeyotch.
I prescribe me a new vibrator.
Here is the criteria:
1) cordless
2) powerful
3) clitorally driven
4) not bumpy, with added appendages, or extra shit that i dont need.
5) INDESTRUCTIBLE.
Go. Lead me to this vibration.
LEAD ME TO MASTURBATION SALVATION!
Happy Friday by the way. Heh.
Tags: masturbation, o face, orgasm, Sex
Good Vibrations
If I had more time, I would get a 2nd job at a sex toy retailer. Shit, If I had the extra money to purchase a franchise… I would. Even in the slowly deteriorating economy, people still need dongs. I hesitate to purchase my adult toys online, because it is hard for me to trust the description alone. Even the user reviews. Not every bitches clitoris gets stimulated the same way that mine does. One persons max vibration is another persons not enough.
I personally need some intense vibrations… ‘Good Vibrations’ if you will. (Courtesy of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch) I dont need a bunch of frilly additives to my vibrator. Basic Black works for me. Heh. There is a pun in there somewhere, for those of you who know me. 
Anyvibe, back to my trip to the vibrator store.
Remember I told you of my massive amounts of orgasmic strength a couple of weeks ago… remember? When I busted my vibrator in half during an intense self pleasure session? Riiight. With the business of school and life, I hadnt made it to purchase any replacements. I used to have a plethora of vibing friends, but all had since broken and never had been replaced since. I have also been cautious of my toy purchases because my availability of proper storage has been little to none. With the kids being all up in the biz… I just would rather not have Charli come trapsing out of my room with my strap-on around her neck.
Get my drift?!
Anyway, this trip had me in bean-flicking heaven. Vibes and Dongs for every taste and size. Flavors upon flavors of oils and condoms… cute little keychain vibes… to big black schlongdongs. <– has one of those in real life… heh.
Soon after crossing the pearly gates into sex heaven, I was approached by one of the store associates who was all up in my face about “cute shoes this and omg i love your hat that”. Bitch, I dont need compliments. I came here to buy something… so you are guaranteed whatever % commission you get off of my purchase. No, I dont need to look at panties. I dont wear any. Thank you but I am sure that those clear heels would absolutely NOT look good with my outfit. Do I look like a stripper to you?!
Didnt think so.
When I finally DID look up to see her face in my face, I noticed this monsterous sore on her lip. ACK! What the fuck? I am fully aware of non-std imposed cold sores. I have had a few in my day. But you wont catch me at work in some other bitches face with one. No thank you. I know I am not interested in HAVING it, let alone SEEING another persons.
How about getthefuckoutofmyface. KThx.
She saw me perusing the beautiful glass dongs in the display case. I have always wanted my own piece of glass in my collection. The first time I had ever even seen a glass dong was with my first girl-on-girl experience. She fucked me so good with that special piece of equipment… that It has remained on my own personal wish-list ever since. I have just never wanted to spend $100 on a sex toy.
Not sure how you feel about glass? Picture the hardest possible cock. Times that by 50. There you have it. Paired with your favorite vibrator, or fuck buddy… you are money baby.
Anywet, SoreLip handed me a 50% off any item coupon. Heh. You bet this bitch bought herself a new glass plaything. And a pretty pink storage case with a briefcase lock to store it and all of my toys, lubes, and vibes in. Now my rugrats cannot discover the joys of masturbation at too early of an age.
New Dong: Check.
New Vibe: (and not the Pontiac) Check Check.
New Locked Storage Case: CheckCheckCheck.
Wicked is a happy beesh.
Have you ever used glass dongs?
What would you consider a worthy business venture?
Have you ever had your sex toy stash discovered by someone you would prefer didnt know your fetishes?
Happy Masturbating!!!
Tags: cold sore, commission, discount, marky mark and the funky bunch, masturbation, pontiac vibe, sex toy, sex toy store, stash, strap-on, unwanted discovery, vibrator
Walk Like a Man, Fuck Like a Man.
Nov 17, 2008 Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions
Just like everyone else, I have quirks; things that make me on the Board of Directors of Club Awesome.
Don’t believe me? You bet a bitch has examples.
For example, my brain is pretty much built like a man’s brain… yet still has ladylike tendencies. I will cat call a fine female right alongside the boys. If I see a nice ass, you bet your ass I discuss all the levels of ‘tappin’ it I would do, given the ass-tapping-opportunity.
I, like most men, think about fucking about every 2-3 seconds a day. And I am vocal about it. I am so flabbergasted at the level of hush-hush that is still our society when it comes to airing out our dirty panties.
We all fuck, right? (and if you are one of the ones who is not currently involved in the aforementioned fucking… *cough*pqcass*cough* you are involved in the I’m-not-fucking-so-I’m-hating group.) Riiight. We all either fuck, or are haters of those who ARE fucking. Why is it such a big deal to talk about our sexcapades? Or even the ones that we imagine/hope/wish/fantasize about on a daily/weekly/minutebyminute basis?
Seriously. Who doesn’t look at another attractive, fuckable individual standing next to them in the elevator and flash to the ‘Love in the Elevator’ video??
*crickets*
Yes? No? For a split second, in any fuckable scenario, do you let your man brain take over to some corny hair metal song while you picture yourself ripping each others clothes off? Fuck. If you don’t, you are missing out on some great fucking images. Shit, any image with me in it fucking is beyond amazing. Why do you think I masturbate to myself in the mirror every chance I get? Heh.
I swear. Dressing room. Elevator. Freeway in rush hour. Boss’s office. Conference room. Up in this club. School. Wherever I am at, I can see sex. I can feel sex. I can close my eyes and pick out any 2 people in the room and picture them fucking each other, them fucking me, or us all fucking in the form of a sex circle.
If I have met you, we have fucked in my head. Shit, even if I haven’t met you, we’ve fucked in my head. Sometimes, I begin to picture it with people that I really would rather not fuck. I can think of a couple of times that 1) I grossed myself out with a sexvision or 2) was greatly disappointed at the reality vs what I thought would be the sexcapade. Bummer.
Quirk or valuable asset, I think the answer to that question varies to the person asked. Either way, it is a part of my genetic makeup, and I own it and rock it like a new pair of pretty pink stiletto’s.
What is your quirk? The thing that is a big part of making you who you are?
Do you think more like a man or a woman? Or both?
Do you picture people having sex when you meet them?
What is your 80’s hair metal theme song???
Tags: 80's hair metal, aerosmith, club awesome, elevator, female, love in an elevator, male, man, masturbation, music video, orgy, quirks, Sex, sexcapade, woman
Build Your Own Vibrator
My vibrator is dead.<– not the first time this has happened to me.
I have had:
1) The wire come loose so you have to hold it in a certain position to get the shit to work
2) The back mysteriously come up missing, so I have had to duct tape the batteries in.
3) The egg part come clean off the wires.
Yeah. A bitch gets down with the vibrating egg. My TOC (toy of choice) if you will.
Never in my masturbating life has the shit just broken in half in my hands before. DURING A SESSION!!! I mean, the plastic is in 2 pieces. And the part that controls the speed is on the half that is no longer connected to the wiring.
How does this happen?!?
I need to not buy the $14 vibrating eggs anymore. I need to get the one that is like $50, with a 1 year, 100,000 orgasm warranty on it and a 24 hour call center that is there specifically for my vibrator trouble shooting needs.
It should be wireless. Remote controlled, or better yet, mind controlled. Yeah. A telepathic fucking clit stimulator. The speed and intensity should auto adjust to the level of my arousal. It shouldnt let me control it. It should tease me a little. It needs to have an ‘o’face sensor that backs off when it is about to hit just enough times to piss me off in a good way… and then give me exactly what I need at the exact time I need it.
*pondering* Yeah…..
My vibrating egg should creep up on me when I am sleeping to give me a surprise ‘o’.
If I have been naughty, maybe my egg will punish me.
Maybe, that little bugger will form a tongue and give me much needed tongue lashings every night like warm chocolate chip cookies and milk.
Or maybe, just maybe… Charli will lose her ‘anything sexual’ radar and let me get a nightly dick down for cryeye.
Yeah right.
Tonight, I celebrate the long and appreciated lifespan of my one eyed, 5 speed, vibrating purple egg clit stimulator. You served me well my friend. RIP.
What features would you bling your vibrator out with, if you had a build your own option?
Any links or suggestions on a new, upgraded model? Wicked is in the market for a new one.
Share your vibrator horror stories… or comedic ones.
Tags: build your own, duct tape, masturbate, masturbation, o face, toy of choice, vibrating egg, vibrator
Wicked Masturbatables
Oct 17, 2008 Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions
I always get asked the following questions: (no bullshit… people ask me weekly.)
“Do you masturbate every day?”
“How many times a day?”
“What, pray tell, do you masturbate to?”
I think it is funny that people are curious about my masturbation habits. I mean, I know that I am an extremely open person sexually… but I just find it a little bit comical that my self-pleasure has sent wicked wonderings across the country.
So, I am answering these questions for all the world to see.
1: “Do you masturbate every day?” Yes.
2: “How many times a day?” I masturbate at least once at work and once in the shower to wind down at the end of the day. I have been known to push out a self-inflicted “o” face in the car before… I cannot disclose if it involved another party or not.
3: “What, pray tell, do you masturbate to?”
I shall now disclose the top things that I flick my bean to.
girl on girl porn
while my husbands cock is in my hand
while my husband knocks one out of the ballpark
gangbang porn
thinking about me and specific women engaging in full on lesbianisms.
creating a shower scene in my mind (while in the shower)
and… the thing i masturbate the most to… (drumroll please) hahaah
Myself in the mirror. Yep. I get all pretty, and spread out in front of the mirror. I absolutely get off on watching myself cum.
Does anyone ever candidly ask you about your masturbation regularity? Do you answer?
If you never answered before… today is a new day. I pass these uncomfortable, yet arousing questions on to you.
I am interested to know:
“Do you masturbate every day?”
“How many times a day?”
“What, pray tell, do you masturbate to?”
You Go.
Tags: girl on girl, masturbation, o face, orgasm, porn, shower
