It Started With a Simple Question …
Feb 2, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., I Forgot to Tag, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions
… that led to this blog.
Do you ever wonder what other peoples “pee faces” look like? I pee a lot lately, and sometimes I know I make the most ridiculous pee faces ever. Especially when I should have peed like 1 hour prior… so I reeeeeeeeealllyyyy have to pee. It is probably closer to an orgasm face than a pee face.
I am so nosy. I would totally be a fly on the stall wall, observing other people’s pee faces; giggling uncontrollably at them squint, and silently sigh as they finally let it all out.
I don’t want to be a fly on the wall for poo faces. No No No. Grunty faces aren’t interesting to me, especially because the present left after the grunts and groans and poots is stinky. I am not interested in being a part of another woman’s poo funk.
I would also be that proverbial fly on the wall during sex.
All sex. Gay sex, bi-sex, old people sex, group sex…. You wouldn’t really get a true idea of what other people’s sex behaviors are if they knew you were watching.
People fart. Unattractive noises are made sometimes during position change. The moaning is not necessarily as pretty sounding as the little girls on the movies. I would perch my nosy, horny ass on their smoke stained wallpaper and watch them go at it.
I have had people watch D and I have sex… which was weird at first, but now that I think about it…. triple rawwwwrr. Watch me! And while you are at it, touch yourself while you are doing it. Why haven’t you joined in yet? I wanna make you call MY name out.
What?? Too bold??
Porn = a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. These sluts know that a camera is on them, so they absolutely put on a show. That is what they are paid for, right? I am inclined to say that porn doesn’t necessarily turn me off… but it isn’t really what I need to get the mood going. Well, with the exception of more than one girl going at it… and then really, it just makes me more mad than anything—because I really would rather just actually be with more than one girl, rather than watch them have all of the fun.
Wouldn’t you?
Sex makes me curious.
How does sonso give head? What is her secret technique to drive hubby over the edge? Does whatsherface like it in the butt? I wonder if thatonedude likes to really get into eating pussy? Or does he half-ass it? How many times does Ol’girl call out my name when she masturbates? Does she use a toy, or is she fingers only? Would thatonebitch really make out with me, or would she chicken out last minute??
I honestly have had at least one sexual thought about each and every one of you little minxes. I have also pictured myself on top of each and every one of you as well… or were you on top of me???
Anysnatch….
Sometimes, when I masturbate I don’t think about anything. More often than not, I am not me… I am in someone else’s body, with their husband… or with more than one person. Sometimes I am the pleaser… sometimes I just lay there and let my fantasy take over and please me.
I am a toy kind of girl; a no-nonsense, get down to business girl who doesn’t waste anytime sending me to that optimum climax. Sometimes I make myself cum more than once in a session. I have sent myself to that point so many times in one session that I cant even pee or wipe or touch it without a pleasure-filled pain involved.
So yeah. One question in my head led to this blogtastrophe. You are welcome.
Would you rather … Be trapped in an elevator with wet dogs or with three fat men with bad breath?
Tags: masturbate, people, porn, Sex
Randomly Observant.
Oct 12, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, I WIN!, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show
I like to observe people. People observation is a big fat WIN in my book. Annnnnnnnnnd, my new POE has given me much to observe.
Let me tell you … I get to watch …
People interacting with other people.
People interacting with themselves. Yes in that way too. I may or may not enjoy watching masturbation. (No this doesn’t mean that I have watched someone at my new POE masturbate.)
People having (insert air quotes) secret interactions.
People being catty fucking bitches to other people when they think that people aren’t people observing them. (hypothetically speaking)
The best part? That people have no idea when and where I get my observe on. I am that slick. No lie. Ever since I was little, I have had the ability to eavesdrop/people watch unnoticed. Undetected. If we have been in the same general vicinity ever in life I probably have done it to you without even realizing it.
It is like my brain never stops.
For instance: I know that this one broad l o a t h e s this other broad that I know. Like, drinks a big glass of haterade every morning with her name on it. Whenever the one broad isn’t looking, this broad is all kinds of ‘ihateyoubitch’ eyeballing her. And then smiles in her face all cheeky-like.
The funniest thing about this is that the catty broad doesn’t fucking know. What specifically doesn’t she know, you ask?
1) That the other broad is not the one
2) That neither am I
3) That catty-ness is not cool.
4) That if she continues to be a cunt I will most likely tell her about herself.
Also, I am absolutely in the know when a person wants to stick their penis into someones vagina. I thoroughly enjoy watching this kind of interaction between 2 people. It is like watching 2 sticks rub together, trying to make a friction fire.
Not only that but I also know what size the penis is without seeing it. Tarable can cosign. Furthermore, I pretty much picture what every person I meet ’s privates when I see them. That, and them having sex too.
I know right!!!!!? I haz talents.
With that said, I am taking my random ass thoughts to bed with me. I need to rest my head in order to give 150% at work tomorrow. Apparently 110% doesn’t work in this business.
What is your name spelled backward?
What is your favorite pizza topping?
Have you ever ordered something off of an infomercial? If so, what?
Tags: i haz talents, masturbate, paris hilton, penis, people watching, Random, vagina, work
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy!
Sep 17, 2009 Friday Eye Candy, Masturbate-able, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, Thoughts and Perceptions, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Friday! Who is excited for the weekend?!
Meeeeeeeeeeeeee too. This week has been a long one. I am ready to chill out for a couple of days. Although Sunday is gonna be busy, only because I promised X that he and his friend could go to the fair. (Notice my excitement.) Don’t get me wrong, I love the fair. I would just love to have it all to myself, instead of having to deal with non attention paying idiots. Yadigg?
Dear 3 Day in a Row Pants Guy,
Really? I have a hard time believing that you are this suave, big baller shot caller guy when you wear the same pants every day. The same grey, wool, too short, too tight pants. Every day. I would like to inform you that you do have an option to get new pants. And for not even that much money either. Shit, for MY OWN SANITY, I will buy you a couple of pairs myself.
I am pretty sure your ballsack hates you for doing that to it every single day. I swear to God if I come in today and you have the same fucking pants on … I am going to say something.
Change your pants. At least alternate every OTHER day. At leas, if you are going to own the Same Pants Guy status, make them black slacks. Not some identifying pants that will get you called out.
K? K.
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Dear FaceBook,
You fucking suck. I dont even know how else to express it. The errors are so beyond aggravating that I kinda want to shoot you in the theoretical fucking face. Gah.
———————————————————————————————————–
Dear Baby Jesus,
Help guide the people. Help them learn that I am not the one. Because every time I turn around, the assumption is that I AM ACTUALLY the one. This is false information Baby Jesus. They are not in the know of ones. You are. Show them the way.
———————————————————————————————————–
Dear Masturbation Anonymous,
I do NOT have a problem. I am NOT powerless over it. I am definitely NOT in denial. Stop sending me fliers.
———————————————————————————————————–
Dear Jehovah Witness Guy,
I would like for you to re-think something for me. Rewind today back to 8:01 am PST when you knocked BANGED on my door like the po-po. Did you see my face? That face is the face of me planning to cut you the next time I see your overly perky face in my face that Jehova Damned early in the morning.
Let me re-iterate me not being the one. And, DO NOT try and leave me fliers on my doorstep after I vehemently told your ass NO when you tried to shove them in my door while I was slamming it in your face.
K?
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Dear Baby Jesus.
The above instance is a FANTASTIC example of me not being the one and you needing to guide him before he ends up on YOUR doorstep at 8:03 AM PST.
Just saying.
———————————————————————————————————–
Since I know that really, the hot pieces of ass are the only reason why you click on this blog every Friday … I promise that THIS blog will at least happen every week.
So, I love this man. His music. His style. His personality. His tattoos. He isn’t the buffest most whatever, but he is that kind of sexy that is all inclusive.
Pharrellllllll baby. Give me some of that. 
Tags: eye candy, jehovas witness, mail, masturbate, pay attention, pharrell williams, sweet baby jesus, TGIF. fashion
OrlyRandomNSheet.
Sep 16, 2009 Current Events, Etc., Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Sex, bitch
Sup?
I honestly thought that my not being able to post every day was going to be this breath of fresh air. I miss my daily banter with you crazy bitches. (Yes I did call you alllllllllllllll bitches.) There is so much happening in Wickedland that I don’t even know where to begin. To be honest, I am so god damned brain dead from all of this new information I am taking in … that I really cannot think straight.
Like, I find myself completely zoned out when I get home. When I say zoned out … I am talking staring at nothing for periods of 5-10 minutes before I or D catches it. I cannot hold a sentence together, nor can I finish one. I am so focused on absorbing the info I need to kick ass at this new job, that my brain has gone into panic mode. I am pretty sure that it is going to start rebelling and go on strike.
I do it all for the nookie … so I know that in the end it will be more than worth all of it. Yaddidah?
Also, either my vibrator is possessed OR it is as moody as I am. Either way, I am almost scared of it. ALMOST. This means I need to buy a new one. One that does not fit inside D’s ear. One that does not sporadically just fucking turn off moments before I need it to be on MORE THAN EVER.
What is my deal with vibrating machines of pleasure? I break them. I mangle them. My vagina almost literally chews them up and spits them out. (Heh. Mental picture. ROFL)
I already know what one I am gonna get. It plugs into the wall for rechargability. No more dead batteries.
Me: (in a baseball referee voice) Hey AA’s … YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!
AA’s: HELL NO! WE WONT GO!
(I told you I was brain dead.)
Annnnnnnnnnyway…
I told you I would answer my own vacation related questions today.
My top 3 vacation locations:
1) Bora Bora. Over water private bungalows that have glass bottom floors that you can open and feed the fish that have private ladders to the ocean. (yes I am aware that it was a run on sentence)
Need I say more?
2) Europe. Specifically Spain, France, Italy & Greece. I want to roam like the B52’s freaking sing about.
3) NYC. With no budget. With no schedule. Just me and Central Park. Just me and Matt Lauer. Just me and bootleg purses from street vendors. Just me and Broadway. Just me and Harlem. Just me and Ms. Liberty. Just meeeeeeeeeeeeee and my I <3 NY Tshirt, foam fucking finger/Statue of Liberty hat, a cool cab driver, touristy locations and some true to NYC food.
Most importantly, just me and THIS guy.
There you have it. A story about my vibrator and where I want to travel. With that, I must pass the fuck out.
Uhm. Yeah.
What do you think is the sexiest feature on a man/woman/both? Why?
What food would you rather starve than eat?
Tags: baseball, Bora Bora, greece, italy, masturbate, matt lauer, nyc, rechargable battery, referee, spain, times square, vibrator
TMIThursday: stickitinyerear.
Sep 9, 2009 All Things Charli, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, TMI Thursday's, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Hello my TMIT gluttons for punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…
Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
This TMIT will be short and sweet. Ready? OKAY!
Yesterday, D calls me:
D: “Guess how I woke up this morning?”
Me: “How?”
D: “There I was, sleeping peacefully next to your daughter when I woke up to this insanely loud buzzing in my ear.”
Me: “OMG was it a moth?!”
D: “Uhm no. It was not a moth.”
Me: “What kind of bug was it?”
D: “It was not a bug. It was your VIBRATOR. IN MY EAR. INMYEAR!! How do you suppose your daughter got a hold of your vibrator?”
Said Vibrator … only mine is pink. Heh.
Me: (stifling a laugh) “Huh?”
D: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
Me: “It miiiiiight be because I used it last night when I was mad at you and shoved it under my pillow.”
D: “Might be?”
Me: “Is.”
D: “She shoved your vibrator IN MY EAR and was hovered over me, laughing.”
(I am unable to hold in my laughter at this point.)
D: “You think that is funny, don’t you?”
Me: “It is pretty funny.”
D: “No matter how much you clean it, it still smells like your vagina.”
Me: “YOU SMELLED IT?!”
D: “I smell your bras. Same diff.”
Me: “Good point. You whacked off didn’t you?”
D: “Huh?”
Me: “Mothafucka you heard me.”
D: “I miiiiiiiiiiight have pushed one out when she went down for a nap.”
Me: “Might have?”
D: “Did. But not on your side of the bed this time.”
Me: “So considerate.”
There you have it. My daughter knows EXACTLY what to do with a vibrator. I am such a great influence on her, aren’t I? AhhhhhhhhhhhStickitinyerear!
Happy TMIThursday! As always share your own TMIT’s if mine sparks a story of your own!
Tags: bra, bug, marriage, masturbate, moth, ROFL, Stick it in your ear, vagina, vibrator
What Not to Say to a Woman
Jul 28, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Family, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Plunges, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables
Enter a woman wearing a super sexy polka dot dress (read: me on Monday)
Side note: I am really on this dress kick. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I have never owned a single dress up until just recently. Tarable brought me the aforementioned polka dot dress (in a size EIGHT pee ess) because right now I have a limited selection of clothes that aren’t falling off of me … and little money to just go out and buy new clothes.
Anyway, moving on. I knew when I was wearing the dress that it was going to be one of those where you kinda just stop traffic. Black with big white polka dots, low neckline, red FMP’s… A classic dress. One of a kind. A dress that a woman feels sexy wearing. I was fully aware of the attention that it would get.
Or so I thought anyway.
I am newly accepting compliments with open arms. I dont know if any of you remember a blog that I wrote a few months ago about my having a hard time genuinely accepting compliments or not, but the gist of it was that I would not leave a compliment hanging with a negative connotation. I committed to embracing it. And I really have.
But there are some things you just do not say to a woman.
So I get to work. Do my usual turn the computer on, grab my food and put it in the fridge routine. I haven’t had a sip of my coffee.
A guy I work with, who is a constant form of flirty entertainment (he is not half bad to look at either) came around the corner and fake grabbed his chest like “be still my beating heart” styles. (cheesy I know) He told me how amazing I looked in this (now) infamous dress, and it was that look that put the extra pep in my step for the rest of the morning.
“I have still got it” I thought to myself.
All was good in my world until… He just had to open is mouth again. He couldn’t have left well enough alone.
Him: (leaning down by my desk) “I can’t get over how fine you look.”
Me: (seriously blushing) “Aww honey, thank you!”
Him: “I am serious. If I could bend you over this desk right now…”
Me: “INSERT COWORKERS NAME HERE!”
Him: “I am serious. I am gonna go home at lunch and get the lotion.”
(Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech) <--- sound of the brakes nearly crossing my sexual innuendo line of comfortablness
Me: “Uhhh”
Him: “You know you are hot for me right now.”
Me: “Riiight.. .so I gotta get back to work”
Him: “Just think about it.”
Me: “Oh. Believe me. I will.” (gag)
This is the thing. I am sexual. I eat, breathe, sleep sex. I am not the one who gets offended or thrown by a little friendly dirty talk. (yes there is such a thing) Sexual harassment is only applicable in my opinion when there hasnt been an even exchange of the aforementioned talk.
But go home at lunch and get the lotion? Ick. The last thing I want to hear about is the fact that you are masturbating to me in this dress. Like, ever. Just saying. I think I speak for the masses when I say that, we know that you rub out to us. It is an unspoken thing that is done on a regular basis. We get it. LOUD AND CLEAR.
Just, don’t tell us that you are doing it. It, ruins everything. I will no longer be able to look this jackhole in the face without picturing his masturbation face.
Thanks dick. You were one of the few decently attractive guys at work. Now, you are masturbation face guy. Not cute.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd D answers another question:
Me: “I have another blogger question for you”
D: “Yes it is really that big”
Me: “Wow.”
D: “Yes I am really that much of a pimp.”
Me: “I am going to fucking cut you.”
D: “Okay. Ask me the question and I will think about it whilst (yes he said whilst) shitting”
Me: “I officially hate you.”
D: “ASK!”
Me: “What, other than blow jobs, do you most look forward to when spending time with me.”
D: “Easy. Hand jobs.”
Me: “You will die.”
D: “BRB (yes he said it like that)”
D: “Maybe this feature isnt the best idea”
Me: “Why?”
D: “Because I have the same answer: I love to talk to you.”
Me: “aww.”
D: “Tell these beeshes to ask me different questions.”
(I have a plethora I was just warming him up)
What is the worst mental picture you have ever had?
Worst pick up line?
Tags: dress, lotion, masturbate, men, work
TMI Thursday: I Never…
May 13, 2009 Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, TMI Thursday's
Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs… Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
Today’s TMIT is a bit different. Due to my job/school/picking Tarable up from the airport… I have not had time to write my nightly blog. So I have decided to challenge you to a little game of “I Never”
Whoever is first to guess the most of my “I Never” statements that I have actually really done… Gets to choose the next TMIT blog I write from them.
Ready? I thought you were.
I never have pooped in front of Donovan.
I never masturbate.
I never had sex in high school.
I never was a stripper.
I never passed out in D’s roommates bathroom naked.
I never have been fisted.
I never have pooped my pants.
I never used heroin.
I never have been donkey punched.
I never have worn my strap on in public.
Good Luck!
You go: I never…??? Maybe I can guess if you are full of shit or not. 
‘Til I drop
Dec 28, 2008 Addiction & Recovery, Masturbate-able, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
I am a shop-aholic.
It used to be that I was addicted to shopping at stores for ‘free.99′, or more popularly known the ‘five finger discount’. Meaning, I was a shopLIFT-aholic. I blogged over a year ago that I used to be a thief. Until the one dreaded moment in time when the stupid Loss Prevention SOB catches you and sends your adrenaline rush down the toilet.
I remember my very first brush with the ‘law’ when I was an early teen. My friend and I were lifting make-up from the local drug store. Our pockets were full to the brim with the goods. I could feel the rush of the break toward the door approaching. Each and every step I took drew more and more flutterby’s in the pit of my stomach.
My friend and I made the eye contact as we made a break for it. As soon as her feet hit the pavement on the outside of the store, I watched his hand grab her arm and yank her back inside. Frantic, I slid into the back of the store and into the bathroom, where I dumped every last stolen treasure into the toilet… and flushed it all down with a bowlful of my nervous bile.
She was caught. I was not. She ended our friendship shortly after that because I did not hop into the back of the cop car with her and take a trip past ‘Go’ without my motherfucking $200.
That should have been my lesson to never ever ever take something that didn’t belong to me. Regardless, I am happily recovering from my horrible addiction.
Now, when I get angry or stressed or ‘choke-a-bitch-out-ed‘ I get in my Jeep, and find the nearest place to spend some dough. It feels good to have my hands full of bright colored bags that are full of ‘paid for’ new-new’s.
New makeup.
New books.
New shoes.
New pens.New smell-goods.
New music.
New New New.
Even previously owned (consigned if you will) items give me just as an amazing high if not better than new stuff because not only is the high from the purchase prevalent, but the high from getting something at an amazing deal is on the tip of my clit right along with it.
Bottom line: I <3 shopping. Too much. Don’t get me wrong, I am not to the point where my bills get unpaid so I am able to get that new Prada bag or those new Jimmy Choo’s… but when it has been awhile since I have had a chance to spend some moo-lah, a bitch gets edgy. Edgy like lack of sex or missing my morning mocha.
Oh man. To have all 3, simultaneously?!
Shopping, while getting fucked with a quad iced white chocolate snickerdoodle mocha in my hand?!? *dies*
If you will excuse me… I have a new masturbateable fantasy to live out.
What is your ___aholism? Your vice?!?
If you were in my shoes, would you have turned yourself in, or gotten rid of the goods?
If you were in her shoes, what would you have expected your friend to do?
Tags: jail, loss prevention, masturbate, monopoly, Sex, shopaholic, shoplifting, shopping
Build Your Own Vibrator
My vibrator is dead.<– not the first time this has happened to me.
I have had:
1) The wire come loose so you have to hold it in a certain position to get the shit to work
2) The back mysteriously come up missing, so I have had to duct tape the batteries in.
3) The egg part come clean off the wires.
Yeah. A bitch gets down with the vibrating egg. My TOC (toy of choice) if you will.
Never in my masturbating life has the shit just broken in half in my hands before. DURING A SESSION!!! I mean, the plastic is in 2 pieces. And the part that controls the speed is on the half that is no longer connected to the wiring.
How does this happen?!?
I need to not buy the $14 vibrating eggs anymore. I need to get the one that is like $50, with a 1 year, 100,000 orgasm warranty on it and a 24 hour call center that is there specifically for my vibrator trouble shooting needs.
It should be wireless. Remote controlled, or better yet, mind controlled. Yeah. A telepathic fucking clit stimulator. The speed and intensity should auto adjust to the level of my arousal. It shouldnt let me control it. It should tease me a little. It needs to have an ‘o’face sensor that backs off when it is about to hit just enough times to piss me off in a good way… and then give me exactly what I need at the exact time I need it.
*pondering* Yeah…..
My vibrating egg should creep up on me when I am sleeping to give me a surprise ‘o’.
If I have been naughty, maybe my egg will punish me.
Maybe, that little bugger will form a tongue and give me much needed tongue lashings every night like warm chocolate chip cookies and milk.
Or maybe, just maybe… Charli will lose her ‘anything sexual’ radar and let me get a nightly dick down for cryeye.
Yeah right.
Tonight, I celebrate the long and appreciated lifespan of my one eyed, 5 speed, vibrating purple egg clit stimulator. You served me well my friend. RIP.
What features would you bling your vibrator out with, if you had a build your own option?
Any links or suggestions on a new, upgraded model? Wicked is in the market for a new one.
Share your vibrator horror stories… or comedic ones.
Tags: build your own, duct tape, masturbate, masturbation, o face, toy of choice, vibrating egg, vibrator
