For That, I am Grateful – 2
Dec 31, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, love
This is part 2 of 2 of my grateful things of 2009.
To repeat myself …
She is doing 26 Days of Gratefulness. Each day represents a letter filled with things that she is eternally grateful for. Of course more than half of these days made me cry like a fucking baby because that is what the hell I do when there is anything mush or moosh involved in it. But when she does it … it hits me even harder. (I will get to her later.)
N is for Nighttime. It is the only time I have to myself. I am grateful for me time. N is also for Noggin. Not the TV show … the oral sex kind.
O is for Orgasm. I am grateful for every orgasm I can give or get. O is also for Open letters. I look forward to every single Friday so that I can openly bitch out any one and everyone that pisses me the hell off.
P is for Penis. Yes. I am grateful for the infamous penis. I neeeed it in my life on a regular basis. It is also for Pumps. As in shoes. P is also for my Phone Sex Voice. Apparently … it is worth millions. P is especially for Prettiness. It is an essential in this house. Live Prettily and life is Perfect. 
Q is for Quarters. A pre-paycheck scrounge for Quarters is a regular event around here. Quarters get gas, cheeseburgers, wine … even cigs for those who smoke. Q is most importantly for *MY* Q. My Numbah 1. My Partner. One of my best friends. Ever. She owns Q. She *is* Q.
R is for Romance. It is essential. Romance is a part of me. It is also for Rough. Rough sex, that is. I like it Rough and Raw. R is also for Rally. I have needed the people in my life to Rally around me recently … and they really really have. R is also for Range Rover. I want one. K? R is most importantly for Readers. You all make my day better. Your thoughts. Your advice. Your viewpoints. If I didn’t have you … I may not be so into blogging.
S is for Sex. God damnit I am grateful for it. Sex. Seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxx. S is also for Soul Sister. Because I haz them and I am grateful for them. Beyond grateful. Carol. Cass. Anne. Chrissie. Chrissa. ‘Lullah. Mary. Q. Kanisha. Leslie. Rachael. You all make my life a better life. You make me a better person. Each of you are so important to me and my sanity. S is for Sanity. S is also for Sunshine. My Sunshine comes in the form of a Carol. Heh. I made a comment about her being Sunshine, even when she is being followed by a black cloud … and that she doesn’t even know it … which is the best part. My Sunshine makes me happy … when skies are grey. S is also for Squish. Squishy. SquishyAmandaFace. I love her mostly because of how raw and honest she is. But that is only Scratching the Surface. I am so grateful to be her friend.
T is for Tarable. And Tough. And Tolerance. And Teeny Tiny. And Team. All of these have to do with Tarable. She is my rock. My sister. My bestie. I don’t know what I would do without her. T is also for Text messages. They have saved me in tough spots and entertained me to no end.
U is for UPGRADES! I am grateful for this team more than I can describe into words. It was the best decision to take the risk to work in this department.
V is for Vagina. I hope mine knows how grateful I am for it.
W is for Women. Because I have so many inspirational and strong Women in my life. W is also for Wisdom. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. Wisdom within myself and from others has proven to be so beneficial.
X is for Xavier. He is my little big man. No matter how much he fucks up … I will always love him.
Y is for Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Or sleep. Either way Yawning leads to it. And I love sleep like nobodies business.
Z is for Zac. He is a new addition to my life and I am most grateful for him. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who thinks this of him.
G’Head. List your N-Z’s of gratefulness.
If I don’t talk to you before hand, Happy New Year!
Tags: kids, sleep, soul sister, strong women, team, upgrades
2 Year Old Cheese & Whine
Oct 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, DUH, Family, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
________ Monday. (Fill in your own fucking blank … okay?)
As if Xavier being on my shit list wasn’t enough, Charli has to go and put herself on the mommy VIP shit list as well.
Why are both of my offspring under the impression that I am in fact the one? I have explained to them time and time again that I am in fact NOT the one.
I have no idea what switch inside my child was flipped within the last week or so, but whoever did it needs to turn it the fuck off. Out of nowhere, she has become this whiny, cry-ey, annoying little creature.
Gone are the “Mommy please can I have”.
We now have “Mawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwmmy I waaannnnnnnnnnnnnnna”
If you don’t “know me” know me … then you may not know that I do not, have not, will not ever be the parent that coddles a fucking whiner. Not your kid, not my kid, not anyone’s fucking kid. From birth with both of my kids, we have talked to them the way that we talk to anyone else. Because of that, my 9 year old is more articulate and versed than many adults that I know.
I am not bragging, I am just saying.
I am also saying that even when I stop her, and remind her to ask for what she wants … she still insists on whining about it. WTF is she whining for? All it does is make the adults around her aggravated. Especially considering the fact that I do not fucking embrace it. GAH. All it makes me want to do is tell her to shut her whiny, cry-ey, phrase repeating ass the hell up.
SHUT THE HELL UP!
I hate to be all like “I want to punch her in her god damned mouth but …”
“Cover meeeeeee uppppppppp”
“Iwaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmyjuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeeeeeeee”
“Imhungryyyyyyyyyyyyyymawwwwwwwwmyyyyyyy”
“Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
“… it’s phrases like these that make me change my mind.”
Just saying.
Would you like to tell anyone to “Shut the Fuck Up!!!!!!!!!” today?
Fill in the blanks!
The last thing I do before I go to bed at night is __________________.
I should have ______________ yesterday.
Have you ever caught a friend or family member having sex?
Have you ever said something to someone without thinking that you immediately wished you could take back? What was it?
Tags: cheese and whine, kids, mommyhood, Parenting, shut the hell up, terrible two's, wine
I Don’t Know…
Aug 17, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., love
… why I love “Yo Gabba Gabba” so freaking much.
Thanks to Charli, I spend most of my life singing and also dancing the shit out of this song. I know. Sad day.
… how in the hell Xavier gets anything done in his life. That child moves so god damn slow. I can do the things I ask him to do 564634 times in the time it takes him to do it one time.
… why people don’t just say what they need to say. I find it much easier to live life when it is just all out in the open. Head games are not the business. If you hate me, say it. (Tell me why at least please.) If you love me, say it. If you are in love with someone, and you both are aware of the love and the love is a mutual love… SAY IT. Just let the words spill out of your mouth like a waterfall of emotion. For one, you may not ever get to tell them. And then what?
… why oral sex is such a big deal. It is a blow job for cry-eye. Like, why all the build up?
… why people sit on these social networking sites and aren’t even really friends. I just did that … for like … 2 months and then today I decided, ‘fuck it.’ I am trying to act like something is cool that isn’t. So, I pressed delete. It felt good.
… how people can just write their kids off. Just like that. Just, “Hey… I am not into being a parent. Take care!” What kind of bullshit is that? The other day, I was talking to one of my friends… and they were telling me how their nieces mother just decided to sign her rights away. And let another broad adopt the baby. Um, NO!? 1) I am not going to ever just sign my rights away. and 2) If I did, and I won’t I would for damn sure not let some other fucking bitch just jump in and do it. ON PAPER. IN FRONT OF A JUDGE.
Annnnnnnnnnd… I am spent. This random, boring and totally pointless blog was brought to you by sleepless motherfucking Wicked. What does this mean to you? This means that you get to make my blog that much cooler by sharing something super awesome and rad with me and everyone else.
Recipe maybe?
Joke?
A dumbass that you have come across recently?
Tags: deadbeat, facebook, Friendship, kids, parent, slow, social networking websites
Epic-tionary: The Definition of Camping
Aug 16, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Friendship, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked Wisdoms
Yep. I coined it. Someone show me the TM of them coming up with Epic-tionary before me… and I will totally give it to them.
No? Bueller? Thought so.
Anyway. With all of this use of the word “epic”, I have picked up the use a bit as well. Not much is considered epic for me. A few people I know use it so much that it takes away the luster of what epic actually means. Whatev though, I think that epic-worthy moments are definitely depending on the person/place/thing.
So, as I snuggled up to my husband in our tent and listened to 1) nature 2) the drunk orgy at the site next to us and 3) d sleep, I thought about how I might describe the camping trip. The only word I could think to use was …
Epic. Then my mind wandered to what epic means to me. Theeeeeeennnnnnnnn I thought how cool it would be if there was a dictionary with what normal things meant when they went from normal to epic. This is how “Epic-tionary” was born.
If one were to own a copy of this “Epic-tionary”, this is what the definition of camping would look like:
Camping: (KAMP EENG)
-Noun
1. A place where a group of awesome individuals lodge in a tent or other temporary (read: the back of an SUV) place of shelter.
2. Spodie. vodka, rum, watermelon, grapes, limeade, 7up. In my cup. Repeat.
3. S’mores.
4. The aforementioned awesome individuals being able to do their own thing, and also have a great time as a group.
5. Private drama REMAINING private.
6. Good food.
7. Surviving a 65mph windstorm. In. A. Tent.
7.1 collapsing tents
7.2 a certain 2 year old being a SOLDIER and not even waking up during the storm.
7.3 windstorm sex
8. CLIFF JUMPING. Even though I totally chickened out on the middle cliff… I still did the baby one and it was the best adrenaline rush.
9. Sitting around the campfire, and the kick-ass conversations that went along with it.
9.1 Tarable’s brother looks like Joe Jonas, and Jonna (MY FRIEND) tooooooootally called him out on it.
9.2 Saying the wrong thing, and manning up to it … and all of the adultness that went along with that.
9.3 Laughing until my stomach and cheeks hurt.
10. Bestfriendiversary dollar store gift traditions.
11. My kids are amazing campers. AH-May-ZING. Charli gets dirty. Xavier gets dirty. They play together so well. They don’t act a fool and bother the adults on the trip. (That is, except the people that they are supposed to bother. Uhm ME.)
12. Shots of Jameson whiskey.
13. Offending the campers next to us with our music and then Tara and her P.I.C. charming the pants off of him.
It took too long to get home. I hate traffic, but if that was the only thing I had to bitch about for the entire weekend… we are in fantastic shape. I love that I sat and laughed and chilled and bonded with 14 other people… including my own kids. No one fought… at least, not in my presence. As far as I am concerned, this trip went off without a hitch and I am so happy that those who made it, did.
I ate so bad. I drank too much. I cursed too loud. I had SO. MUCH. FUN. I love my little campers and I cannot wait for the next trip.
What did you do this weekend?
Are you looking forward to an upcoming trip/vacation?
What is your favorite part about camping?
Tags: camping, epic, jameson whiskey, kids, s'mores, spodie, tent, trademark, vodka, windstorm
YGWM, Oh CRAP & Friday Eye Candy
Jul 30, 2009 All Things X, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Ranteriffic, Thoughts and Perceptions, You've Got Wicked Mail
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy Friday.
I think that I should double up on my daily blogs, saving one and posting one because come September I am going to be back in the place of toomuchtodonotimetodoit (read: school)
I met with the director/advisor/instructor of the program I am working toward. We had a lot to discuss. Before I get into that, he looked at me, chuckled a little and said:
“You look … rested.”
“I am rested.”
“Dropping summer quarter was a good thing then?”
“Yes.”
“I must say. The last time I saw you … and I am using your words … you had “I am fucking over it” written all over your face.”
(cracking up) “I was fucking over it.”
“I didn’t want to tell you that I thought you should take a break. But I could tell you were burnt.”
“Yeah. I needed this.”
Being that I dropped summer quarter… my education plan changed a bit, extending my completion out to the end of spring quarter instead of winter. At first I was disappointed. And then, after pre-planning not just fall … but winter and spring as well … we got on the subject of what I was going to do after I was certified and licensed.
Duhhhhhhhhh, get my Masters. What else would I be doing?
And then he says: “You know, I am not sure if you thought about the length of time that you are going to be in school or not… but because of your mommy, work, and school chaos … you are going to be in school a long time.”
I sat there and pondered this statement. Long time liiiiiiiiiiiiiike ?
And then he answered. (He must have seen the smoke start to escape from my ears) “Long time like 2018.”
Uh. Two Thousand Eighteen?
Blah.
This means that 1) I will have been in school 10 years and 2) I will graduate college the same year that X graduates high school.
I mean, there really is not an other option for me. Me not getting my Masters that is. I am not the one who just gets the minimum certification. I don’t want to just be a CDP. My interest in psychology is much more complicated than that. Not only that but I am not a settler. If I am in school until I am in a walker… then so be it. I think it was the fact that him saying my 2 0 1 8 college graduation reality out loud really resonated. It became tangible. It is going to take me 10 years, but god damnit I am going to fucking finish what I have started.
/realizationofmyrealityrant
Back to your regularly scheduled programming:
Dear 100 + degree heat,
I like you. I really do. I would like you better from the inside of my AC filled house. The problem: Seattle doesn’t have the need for AC on a regular basis. You are like a free stripper on a Friday: A rarity. It would be nice to have a little warning next time. Just saying.
Dear You,
The world is not out to get you. Pretty sure. At least, I am not out to do you wrong, fuck you over, walk all over you. Other people might be, but not me. I am your friend. Period.
Dear Other You,
You are so full of fucking shit. How about try practicing what you preach? How about you take your cookie cutter inspirational statements and shove them up your fucking ass? I am done playing the game. Words will be had. And when they are out in the open, for all to hear … I will wash my hands of you.
Dear D,
I love you.
Now it is your turn. Same as every Friday. Purge your anger here so you are able to thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd how could I deny you your weekly Friday Eye Candy?
He is a really great actor. He is in one of my favorite movies of all time… Cruel Intentions.
He has a reeeeeee ee e eally nice body. I <3 his infamous 5 o'clock shadow.
Ryan Phillippe
I hope you enjoy your weekends! Dont forget to purge. I know you have at least ONE letter to write.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, graduation, kids, rant, reality, school
And The Award(s) Go To….
Jul 7, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Sex, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Wicked Wisdoms, love
ME!
I have been presented with some awards. Awards for blogging. I have seen these little award avatars on other people’s blogs, but … you know … I never really knew what the hell they really meant, or if these so called “awards” were really handed out or created fictitiously by the blogger themselves. I am new to the blog-o-sphere outside of myspace. Sue me.
Apparently these things are real and now I haz 3.
Award #1: Queen of All Things Awe-Summ, given to me by Just A Girl.
The stipulation of award acceptance is that I name seven (7) things that make me uber-awesome. (Trust me. I know saying uber should strip me of my awesomeness but I am so awesome that I am untouchable … so …)
1) I have a piercing that you can only see if you have *also* seen my vagina.
2) I don’t mind being the bad guy. Ever.
3) I have a 6th sense for penis size prediction.
4) I kick ass. Literally.
5) I was not born with a filter. Some say defect, I say blessing. Tomayto/Tomahto.
6) I swing.
7) Uhm, have you met me!? Nuff said.
I pass this Queen of All Things Awe-summm Award on to:
Miss Tricky
LiLu
The Black Tulip
You bitches rock my socks.
Award #2: Keepsake Blog Award, given to me by Pretty Little Tangents
The stipulation of the acceptance of this award is that I post a sweet and funny keepsake that tells a little something about me.
So hear it goes.
All of you should know by now that I have 2 beautifully bratty kids. Xavier is my first born, Charli my baby girl. What many of you probably don’t know is that before Charli, I had 2 miscarriages while we were trying to get pregnant.
So the fact that she came, in this perfect little caramel colored package was icing on the cake for us. Xavier was an easy baby. She, is as difficult as they come … but because of the struggle to have her, and that I wanted her to be a part of our family so badly … she and I have this special bond.
Now that she is growing up and we are able to actually go and do things because she can walk and (kinda) talk, she and I do a great deal together. Where I go, she goes. One of the things that we do is go for walks. Charli loves to collect rocks. It doesnt matter if they are pretty, or if they are a handful of gravel on the side of the road. Charli gets just as excited.
A few weeks ago, she discovered the dandelion seeds. When we would go for walks, she absolutely HAD to stop and blow each one. I was practicing photography for my class and began to just take pics of her.
(Sidenote: Charli HATES having her picture taken. She literally runs from the camera)
I snapped this pic:
And I turned it into:
And this one just makes me smile:
What do these keepsakes say about me? That 1) I love pictures 2) I love my kids and 3) Pictures are keepsakes within themselves.
I am supposed to name 10 bloggers, but I cant so I wont.
Jamie @ Show & Tell
Briana @ Breezy’s World of Crazy
My Pahtnah @ DC Princess
Just A Girl @ Allconsumingego
Jody @ But Momma
Award #3: The Honest Scrap Award given to me by Breezy
The stipulation of acceptance is to write 10 honest things about me.
1) I would be a lesbian before I married another man if D and I were to divorce.
2) I dont usually like other people’s kids.
3) I am addicted to reality television.
4) And coffee.
5) And sex.
6) I wake up with my hands smelling like my vagina. This has occurred since before I can remember.
7) I have a quirky taste in white boys.
I would rather tell a joke than have a serious conversation.
9) I <3 nakedness.
10) I blog/read blogs/facebook more than I work. And now, I am freaking out because people are asking questions. Will I stop? Nope. I will just learn how to multi-task better.
My award recipients:
F.B.
J.P.
Therapy is Effin Expensive
Pretty Little Tangents
Enjoy the tidbits of info I have provided. If you are on here, take it for what you want. Do it, pass it on, dont, whatev. I just kinda like ya and wanted to share you with my own little piece of the blogosphere.
Lastly, I have a statement and a goal.
Statement: Although the Public Memorial of Michael Jackson was a circus, the actual memorial service was both touching and respectable. I appreciated each thoughtful memory as well as the tributes to his life in photographs. I broke down a couple of times, and was deeply saddened when his beautiful daughter choked out her obviously deep devotion to her father. I wish her and her 2 brothers nothing but joy in their futures.
Goal: Find and read other bloggers. I feel like I am stuck in this blog-basement where I am only able to see through gated windows. I need more to read. Please recommend your favorite blogs here… as well as if you are a lurker and you have a blog I should be reading… link here.
XoXoX!
Tags: award, blog, blogging, death, kids, michael jackson, michael jackson memorial
mykidsandDneedtocomehometheend.
Jun 16, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions
I have had enough of this kidsDbeinggonebullshit. When I was driving home today I was all sappy-like, planning to blog about how my feeling all funky and cranky and weird wasn’t PMS … it was that I felt lost … or empty without them here.
For the first few days I was elated to be alone with my thoughts … free to do whatever I felt like doing whenever I felt like doing it. Annnnnnnnnnnnd… Tara was all up in my business to keep me busy the whole time. I wonder if she knew that she was doing it. Keeping my mind off of the fact that I inevitably was going to miss the shit out of my kids.
Inevitably happened. Now I miss them and even though I have little things that make me happy for like 5-10 minute incriments (my VEGAS SHOES CAME and WE GOT A NEW PLACE TO LIVE THAT IS COOLER THAN THIS STUPID PLACE and I LOST 10 POUNDS and BOUGHT 2 DRESSES) … they aren’t back to back incriments … so I am on this stupid ride of highs and lows like that one swing ride at the fair. (except that swing is my favorite ride other than the ferris wheel at the fair so it isnt a fair metaphor. boo)
(Someone insert a high/low ride quick before I cry again.)
I am not the only one freaking out. Jackson (kitty face) is pacing the house, looking for any sign of someone other than me. He is entangling himself through my feet, tripping me where ever I go through the house. And then today, he was waiting for the door to open and he ran outside and wouldnt come back in.
Kitty face hates me.
Wanna know who else is freaking out? Miss MyLibido Masturbates-alot.
I tried to think about doing the sex with D all dirty spank me like. (DENIED)
I tried to watch my favorite gangbang porn. (No dice)
I tried to do it while D was talking to me really quick so he didnt notice. (R is for REJECTED.)
Bottom Line: I am pathetic. P – AH – THEH – TIC without my family.
The chaos.
The noise.
The Charli climbing all over me like a jungle gym.
The Xavier’s smart ass mouth. (ooooh he is in trouble when he gets home I will blog about it tomorrow and even though he is I still miss the shit out of him)
The D … everything. (sadface)
Soooo I am a big fat mess of missmykidsandD. I can’t focus and I keep crying so be nice to me or I might end up a puddle of patheticness right at your feet.
Tell me a joke to cheer me up.
Or an inspirational quote.
Or a new pick-up line for Miss MyLibido Masturbates-alot
Or a new porn movie/mag to check out.
What it Means to Me.
May 10, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Parenting, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms
I enjoy being a mom. It is something that, prior to having my son (by accident but shh dont tell him), I had no intention of doing/being/experiencing.
For me, being a mom happened when I first held my son in my arms. Not a minute before.
Even after he was born and in our world, I wanted my freedom. I felt confined by the responsibility of having a child. I didn’t love him any less… I just felt like I was missing out on the world. I was angry, resentful, and negative. Even though I loved my son, I wanted to have both. The freedom and the responsibility. But you cant have both.
I was forced to learn what life was really about almost 9 years ago… and if I had one thing to thank my son for… it would be that his handsome face taught me about it.
Fast forward to present day Wicked-Mommy-Hood… I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am content… and satisfied with what my life has become. I am surrounded by unconditional love and support… and I could not ask for anything better. As much as I get where I was then… I am so happy that I grew out of that selfishness that I harbored inside of me. I am so blessed. So So So blessed.
I am thankful that my husband is so understanding and appreciative of me. He is sacrificing so much right now for me to accomplish my goals… and it means the world to me. He is an extension of me as a mom right now… my very own Mr. Mom and I love him to pieces.
Life is not about the bar-hopping party. Happiness isn’t about hollow relationships or shallow friendships. And it is absolutely not about revolving doors of people who do not care about what your soul has to offer.
Life is about family. It is about surrounding yourself with people who genuinely love you for you… flaws and imperfections… laughs and tears.
I am so happy that I have come to a place within myself to embrace being a mom. Because for me, even in the most frustrating of moments… mommy-hood is the definition of what happy is.
To the mommies I know and love dearly… Enjoy your day. Take a nap, demand a foot massage… and above all… don’t forget to love all over those babies of yours. They are the example of what unconditional love means.
Tags: Family, kids, love, mommy-hood, mothers day
Out of X’s Mouth (With a Dash of Charli)
Apr 21, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Masturbate-able, Parenting, Random, Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Yum... or Lack There Of., love
Xavier thinks that he is soooo funny. I am pretty sure that we have a little stand up comedian on our hands.
The other day, we were out having lunch. X is getting to the age of knowing what he wants, and I dont need to hold his hand through it. I like this fact.
Most of the time anyway.
X: “Mom can I order my own food?”
Me: “Do you know what comes in it?”
X: “Yeah. It’s just yakisoba.”
Me: “Then I don’t care, go ahead.”
Waitress: “What can I get for you?”
X: “Can I get chicken yakisoba? With extra broccoli?” (read it and weep beezos. my kid eats veggies.)
Waitress: “Sure, anything else?”
X: “Can you please bring me some Cock Sauce?”
Waitress: “Uhm… what?”
Me: *snort* “Sriracha. He meant to say Sriracha.”
(D has tears streaming down his face as she walked away.)
X: “Mom that is not what you call it! You call it COCK SAUCE!”
Me: “Stop yelling. The actual name is Sriracha, Xavier.”
X: “Why are you teaching me wrong things to say!? How embarrassing.”
Me: “Sorry, it is just easier to pronounce.”
X: “SREE RAH CHAH! That was easy.”
(both D and X are dying laughing at this point)
Me: (evil eye) “I hate you both.”
This led me to remember this one time when we were out at the Cheesecake Factory. Xavier was maybe 5 years old… and he kept trying to say “Maserated Berries” … which are the berries that you have when you make strawberry shortcake. He was begging me to order it so that we could “share it” (which really means that he wanted to eat all of the berries and ice cream and leave me with a soggy fucking biscuit.)
Cute Waiter Boy: “How was everything?”
Me: “Really good. Thank you.”
CWB: “Can I interest you in some dessert?”
X: “Please mommy!?! Please please please please?”
Me: (ignoring him)”D, are you ordering any cheesecake?”
D: “Uh, Duh!”
Me: “What are you gonna get?”
D: (playing into my game) “Ummmmmmm…….”
X: (not-so-silently-praying)
D: “I will have Fresh Strawberry.”
CWB: “Good choice. And for you?”
Me: “I will have the strawberry shortcake.”
X: (Jumping up, yelling) “YES! MASTERBATED BERRIES!”
I didnt know whether to laugh or crawl under the table.
*sigh* I thought the CBW was going to pass out because he was trying to hold in his laughter that hard. Like, his face turned beat fucking red… and he managed to muster out a statement like “IwillberightbackIamgonnaputyourdessertorderin” as he ran to the back of the restaurant to LHFAO in private.
Whatever. I can’t blame him. Who doesn’t think an 8 year old shouting out “MASTURBATED BERRIES” is fucking hilarious?!
The uptight table next to us, that’s who.
Even tonight this child had me cracking the hell up:
Me: (grimacing) “OH MY GOD! YOUR FEET ARE RANCIT!”
X: “Huh?!” <— the apple doesnt fall far from the tree, does it?
Me: “I am tearing up. Your feet smell like a sweaty fart.”
Charli: (Pointing at X’s feet) “Foot! Fart!”
X: “My feet smell like strawberries!”
Me: “If strawberries smell like sour fart milk maybe!”
X: “Stop making fun of me!”
Me: “Wash your butt feet!”
Charli: “Butt! Foot!”
X: “MY FEET DO NOT STINK!”
Me: “Smell them. Tell me that they dont stink after you stick a toe in your face.”
X: (smelling his feet and gagging simultaneously) *cough*”They smell like lemons!!” *cough”
Me: “They smell like butt. And Vinegar.”
X: “And LEMONS!”
Me: “What butt have you ever smelled that smelled like lemons?!”
X: “YOU ARE SO MEAN!” (runs off to take a shower.)
Charli: (pounding on the door of the bathroom) “BROTHER! BUTT! FOOT! FAAART!”
Hahahahahahahahaha. I cannot wait until Charli can say full sentences. I will pass on the make-fun-of-Xavier-torch to her with full confidence that she will represent in a proper and skin-crawling-under-manner.
*sigh* I love my kids.
What is the funniest thing that you have ever heard or heard of a kid say in public?!
What is your favorite dessert?
Tags: cheesecake, cheesecake factory, dessert, fart, kids, Parenting, restaurant, strawberries, strawberry shortcake, uptight
Random Air Humps
Apr 16, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, bitch
Happy Friday!
Woooooooooooooo!
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Alriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhht!
(this is about to be the most random blog you have seen from me in awhile. thank lack of sleep and too much shit to stuff into my brain.)
*air humps*
I swear to God, ever since the other day when D thought that air humping about everything was an acceptable answer, I have been obsessed with the act.
*air humps*
I need to make a decision. Like, I love being busy on the weekends, having this thing called a productive life… but at the same time I yearn to be braless on my chaise, remote in one hand… something-chocolatey-and-also-salty in the other (no, not D’s cock… but now that you mention it… *air humps*) laptop… well, on my lap. If I could be lazy and get away with it, I still wouldn’t.
Who actually wants to live their life by the teet of the television/tivo/dvr bullshit?
So I guess this means that I made the decision. I will just long for laziness… while running endless errands.
This decision gets no air humps.
Charli is a fucking crack-up. Yesterday, I yelled for Xavier to get his ass in the house.
Me: (outside yelling for him) “XAAAAAAAAAVIER!!!!!!!!!!”
X: “YEAHHHHHHHHHH”
Me: “IT IS TIME TO COME INSIDE!”
X: “CAN I HAVE 10 MORE MINUTES?!”
Me: “NO! COME ON!!!!!!!!!”
X: “MOMMMMMMM PLEAAAAAASE!?”
Me: “BOY! GETCHOASSINTHAHOUSE!”
For the rest of the night, every time Charli saw X: “BOY! GETCHOASSINTHAHOUSE!”
Clear as a motherfucking bell. Xavier was not amused. Heh. I was.
*air humps*
Speaking of humping:
D: “You are wearing the shorts.”
Me: “Huh?” <— famous last words
D: (all of a sudden on top of me.) “I think you put them on to play pussy games with me.”
Me: (pretending to be unaware of what this means) “Pussy games!?”
D: “Bitch dont play.”
Me: (bending over to pick up a piece of lint on the carpet.) “I am not sure I understand.”
The rest of the convo is considere pornography and could get the site blocked. In case you are lost….
I swear we go through the craziest phases. Sometimes we cannot keep our hands off of each other. Sometimes, I look at him and he looks at me and we give each other the middle finger. Either way, It works. I think right now it is because 1) I am pretty and 2) I am at school again. The less we see each other the more we boogie.
I like it that way.
Speaking of porn, I was watching this clip the other day where I swear to God, this bitch talked through the entire free 5 minute clip of her getting the ever living shit f*cked out of her. What is going on with porn these days? Can I get a free porn clip that does not have this dumb broad holding steady dialogue???
Shut the f*ck up porn star. If we wanted to hear you speak we would watch you on a MOTION PICTURE.
Am I alone in the loathing of the talking porn star?
Is my hand the lone one raised when the question of shut up and get f*cked is asked?!
Sheesh.
Also, my new second favorite word is taint. It is close in the runnings with cunt.
Lastly, (deep breath)
Maybe Jaime Foxx has a point about Miley Cyrus. Maybe it was spoken harshly, but I dont necessarily disagree with the intent.
The Sunday School Teacher that killed that little girl needs to get fucked with a rusty pipe until she bleeds to death.
Hulk Hogan is bat shit crazy, but haven’t we all wanted to murk a bitch?!
Mel Gibson is a douche.
Some one beat the shit out of those 2 Dominoes Pizza employees with a library full of phone books. Dont fuck with peoples food. It isnt funny.
Nobody cares about Bristol Palins baby daddy.
(exhale)
Share your own Friday random.
What are your weekend plans?
Doggy-style or Cowgirl?
What is your favorite word? Why?
