YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Sep 24, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Friday! WOOOOOOOOOO!
This week has been my first week on the floor of my new mystery job. I will say that it isn’t as easy as I hoped but it has also been such a kick ass challenge … that I am happy that it is not easy. I am forced on my tippy-toes all day every day. By the end of the day I am dead to the world.
Anyway, I haz letters.
Dear Same Jehovah Witness:
Um, no. I slammed the door in your face. So, when you see me at Walgreens, it is NOT a good time to talk to me about my belief or disbelief in God or Baby Jesus. The fact that you started the sentence with “I remember you, I bet we are neighbors” didn’t make me any more fuzzy about your fucking face in my face.
Furthermore, if you plan on having your face in someone else’s face, chew gum. K?
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Dear D,
You are the best house husband ever.
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Dear Same Pants Guy,
WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I almost fell out of my chair when you walked by me with different pants on yesterday. Thank you. I was worried that you actually thought it would be acceptable to actually continue to wear them forever. Because it isn’t. Ever.
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Dear Sheesha,
Playing “Boom I Got Your Boyfriend” doesn’t make your fantasy that Jax is your man truth. I am sorry that Jax is mine and you are stalking him “reee reee reee” styles … but I think it might be time to throw in the towel. K? K.
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Dear Charli and Xavier,
I miss you. This new schedule is hectic but I know that in the long run it will be worth it. Bear with me.
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Dear DC Bitches and Just A Girl,
Fuck. You. Sideways. I am so butthurt, bitter and angry that I am missing this “shindig”. Like, I don’t want to talk to any of you for like 5 minutes after forever.
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Dear Ron Jeremy,
Um, rechargeable means just that. RE CHAA RRR GGG EEE AAA BBB LLL EEE. Don’t make me fucking grab the definition for your ass. This shit you sent me is 1) Not strong enough and 2) NOT RECHARGEABLE. How in the fuck are you gonna act like it is? If I wanted some cheap-o vibrator I would have walked to the Lover’s Package by my house and bought one there.
Boooooooooo Ron Jeremy on the false advertisement. Motherfucking Boo. My clitoris is not a happy customer. She would like me to let you know that she will not be a repeat customer and you just lost $67775689908923456.00 worth of business.
Yeah Ron Jeremy, my clitoris is an avid and experienced masturbator. It requires top of the line equipment, and a level of royalty that most cannot handle. You have failed my clitoris, Ron Jeremy. VIBRATORFAIL!
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Dear 10 pounds of douche in a 5 pound bag,
I. Don’t. Fucking. Like. You.
It isnt a joke. I am not kidding when I say that you are a fucking tool. How about get out of my face and get on the phone. How about you are late to work every day and it is only week 2? How about no one wants to talk to you and your Cougar banner sucks? How about your jokes are not funny? Howwwwwwwww about get out of my almonds without asking me first, grabbing my shit like we are friends and I okayed it. Pretty sure I didn’t. Pretty sure that I would rather you just take the whole fucking bag and not give me peehandalmonds back. I dont like my own pee hands, so why in the fuck would I want your nasty, germy, pee-y hands on my almonds?
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Eye Candy.
By popular demand, I give you L.L. Cool J:
He is the Godiva of man chocolate. As gourmet as it gets. Get naked LL. Get naked and let me fuck your face off while watching your beautiful body in the mirror while I do so. I promise that I will fuck your face back on just as good and you wont protest one iota as I repeat the process.
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, jehovas witness, ll cool j, open letter, ron jeremy
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy!
Sep 17, 2009 Friday Eye Candy, Masturbate-able, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, Thoughts and Perceptions, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Friday! Who is excited for the weekend?!
Meeeeeeeeeeeeee too. This week has been a long one. I am ready to chill out for a couple of days. Although Sunday is gonna be busy, only because I promised X that he and his friend could go to the fair. (Notice my excitement.) Don’t get me wrong, I love the fair. I would just love to have it all to myself, instead of having to deal with non attention paying idiots. Yadigg?
Dear 3 Day in a Row Pants Guy,
Really? I have a hard time believing that you are this suave, big baller shot caller guy when you wear the same pants every day. The same grey, wool, too short, too tight pants. Every day. I would like to inform you that you do have an option to get new pants. And for not even that much money either. Shit, for MY OWN SANITY, I will buy you a couple of pairs myself.
I am pretty sure your ballsack hates you for doing that to it every single day. I swear to God if I come in today and you have the same fucking pants on … I am going to say something.
Change your pants. At least alternate every OTHER day. At leas, if you are going to own the Same Pants Guy status, make them black slacks. Not some identifying pants that will get you called out.
K? K.
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Dear FaceBook,
You fucking suck. I dont even know how else to express it. The errors are so beyond aggravating that I kinda want to shoot you in the theoretical fucking face. Gah.
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Dear Baby Jesus,
Help guide the people. Help them learn that I am not the one. Because every time I turn around, the assumption is that I AM ACTUALLY the one. This is false information Baby Jesus. They are not in the know of ones. You are. Show them the way.
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Dear Masturbation Anonymous,
I do NOT have a problem. I am NOT powerless over it. I am definitely NOT in denial. Stop sending me fliers.
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Dear Jehovah Witness Guy,
I would like for you to re-think something for me. Rewind today back to 8:01 am PST when you knocked BANGED on my door like the po-po. Did you see my face? That face is the face of me planning to cut you the next time I see your overly perky face in my face that Jehova Damned early in the morning.
Let me re-iterate me not being the one. And, DO NOT try and leave me fliers on my doorstep after I vehemently told your ass NO when you tried to shove them in my door while I was slamming it in your face.
K?
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Dear Baby Jesus.
The above instance is a FANTASTIC example of me not being the one and you needing to guide him before he ends up on YOUR doorstep at 8:03 AM PST.
Just saying.
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Since I know that really, the hot pieces of ass are the only reason why you click on this blog every Friday … I promise that THIS blog will at least happen every week.
So, I love this man. His music. His style. His personality. His tattoos. He isn’t the buffest most whatever, but he is that kind of sexy that is all inclusive.
Pharrellllllll baby. Give me some of that. 
Tags: eye candy, jehovas witness, mail, masturbate, pay attention, pharrell williams, sweet baby jesus, TGIF. fashion
