The Many Reasons Why.
Dec 20, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, love, pillow talk
We are coming down to no time left of D’s extended vacation.
As we approach his return, I have started thinking about all of the reasons why I am so excited for him to come home.
Reason #1: Rhymes with Mex (ican).
Many people have made the comment to me about how the number of days I have gone without or the total number of days that I will have gone without is a drop in the bucket compared to theirs or whatever. Let me break something down for you. I am not living in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. We (besides our moments of dysfunction…) genuinely love each other. Whether we are in a slump or not … he makes up for it with a good grudge fuck. So to not have it … especially not having it because I have been told that I CANT have it … makes me angry.
You better believe that someone is getting some immediately. Stat. On site.
Reason #2: He is more patient than I am. About everything. (Bitches I know you are surprised about that.)
So for a good couple of weeks, I am not going to be participating in anything kid related. You wanna tattle? Go to dad. You want some more motherfucking juice in your cup? Dad will get it. Period. Idontwantit. I am not participating in anything antagonized argument between these 2 little brat faces.
K?
Reason #3: I am lonely. (sadface)
My evenings usually consist of he and I in some sort of conversation. I don’t know about you all who are in relationships, but I actually enjoy spending time with my husband. We laugh our asses off. (Hello have you not read any of the Pillow Talk blogs?!)
Exactly. If anything, him being gone is a disservice to you as my loyal readers. Who looks forward to the next installment of our conversations?!
(me too. D is hilar)
Reason #5: I am tired of cleaning this fucking house.
I swear to Baby Jesus himself that I walk in circles around here picking shit up. Blocks. Socks. Paper. Crayons. Dishes. Fucking sucker sticks. (Thanks Ms.Moon) I get all excited that my house is FINALLY clean and then BLADAAAAAAW! More motherfucking blocks. More motherfucking SOCKS. More motherfucking dishes. Gah. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
It wouldn’t be so bad if that is ALL I FUCKING DID. But it isn’t. So, I think I dont want to anymore. K?
Reason #6: I don’t have time to cook.
So therefore I don’t eat as healthy as I would like to. This means I have gained some weight back. Not a lot, but still. I can tell a difference and I don’t like it. D cooked his awesome ass off, making sure that there was always something that I wanted to eat that I could eat with South Beach. Being that I am on the go all god damn day … I rarely have time to really think that far in advance. Ya dig?
Reason #7: Someone needs to have “The Talk” with Xavier.
Being as I don’t have a penis … (at least not one that is permanently attached to my body) … I dont think that I should be the one to do it. Just like I wouldn’t expect him to talk to Charli about female issues …
Bottom line: D needs to get some birds and bees business out in the air with Xavier. Pronto styles.
Reason 7.1: Charli misses the shit out of her dad.
Reason #8: I want to sleep.
Reason #9: Did I mention the SEX!?
Fucking aye.
I plan on:
picking a fight with his ass so we can have make up sex
lighting some candles so we can have that sweaty making love soap opera sex
putting on my candy apple red JSimpson FMP’s with some school girl stockings so we can have some inappropriate role play sex
wearing one of my fedora’s and an over sized white button up with my new HOT BOOTS so we can have some smooth criminal sex.
leaving for the weekend so we can have some all over the condo butt naked push the shit off the counter give it to me sideways sex.
a great deal of putitinmymouth oral sex.
And that is just the first few days. K? K.
Annnnnnnnnnnd Reason #10: I am spoiled.
I never saw it before. I am so god damn spoiled that it is stupid. I work my ass off every day and he takes care of everything the hell else.
I can honestly say that I am lost without him. So, a bitch is starting to count down. Get ready. It is about to get ugly.
Have a happy MondayBeforeChristmas!
Are you done shopping?
Have you been naughty or nice?
What have you asked Santa for this year?
Tags: birds and bees, Family, jail, marriage, Sex
April Fool THIS!
Mar 31, 2009 DUH, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Wicked Wisdoms
I hate April Fool’s Day.
I don’t think practical jokes are funny. Anymore anyway.
When I was younger, I used to look for anything and every way to play practical jokes on my parents. I used to get a kick out of stressing them the fuck out. I swear I am the sole reason as to why my parents have grey hairs.
I remember one time, I decided that I would have my friends brother call my mom and pretend that he was a police officer. He proceeded to tell her that I had been involved in some illegal activity, and that he couldn’t go into details on the phone. He told her that he needed her to come down to the station.
I could hear my mom fucking yelling through the reciever. Then, my dad got on the phone.
“You tell her that she can sit her fucking ass in jail until she sees the judge. We will NOT be coming to pick her up.”
(I was literally rolling on the floor laughing at this point. If you have ever met my dad, when he gets mad, he *l i t e r a l l y* gets purple. So I could totally see his bugged out purple face.)
“Sir, I am going to need you to come down here so I can discuss the severity of the charges.”
(I am surprised that he could even keep a straight face while he listened to whatever it was that my dad had to say.)
“Mmmhm, I understand. Okay, that is fair. I will come to you. What is the address? See you soon.”
(Fuck.)
So we decide to go and reveal the joke in person. I swear it was gonna be less of a drama situation than that. Of course I was like 15… so what did I know about seeing things from all angles? We pull up, and there my dad is. Standing on the porch. Purple as fuck.
Obviously this was not planned correctly. Obviously he was not in a police car. He was in a Honda.
Imagine the walk of shame that I was on at this point.
“In jail, huh?” My dad asked.
“Uhhh. April Fools?” (it wasnt even April)
“Looks like the joke is on you. You are grounded.”
(Fuck.)
Turns out, my dad saw through my bullshit. He told my friends brother calmly to bring me home. And, when he walked his goofy ass up to the porch with me, my dad grabbed him by the throat and explained something to him that no one else heard and that he will probably never ever forget.
What I didn’t see was that my mom was a hot hysterical mess. And that shit wasn’t funny. Jokes like this almost always get taken too far. That is why I hate jokes. I made it very clear to everyone around me that I was not interested in any part of the April Fools Day pranks. I better not have anything taped or glued or missing off of my desk.
That is all I have to say about that.
Are you a prankster?
What is the best joke you have pulled off? Worst?
Do you fall for pranks easily???
Tell me one time someone got you really good.
Oh. And go wish PQ a Happy Birthday.
Tags: april fools day, illegal, jail, joke, parents, phone, police, PQ, practical joke, walk of shame
‘Til I drop
Dec 28, 2008 Addiction & Recovery, Masturbate-able, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions
I am a shop-aholic.
It used to be that I was addicted to shopping at stores for ‘free.99′, or more popularly known the ‘five finger discount’. Meaning, I was a shopLIFT-aholic. I blogged over a year ago that I used to be a thief. Until the one dreaded moment in time when the stupid Loss Prevention SOB catches you and sends your adrenaline rush down the toilet.
I remember my very first brush with the ‘law’ when I was an early teen. My friend and I were lifting make-up from the local drug store. Our pockets were full to the brim with the goods. I could feel the rush of the break toward the door approaching. Each and every step I took drew more and more flutterby’s in the pit of my stomach.
My friend and I made the eye contact as we made a break for it. As soon as her feet hit the pavement on the outside of the store, I watched his hand grab her arm and yank her back inside. Frantic, I slid into the back of the store and into the bathroom, where I dumped every last stolen treasure into the toilet… and flushed it all down with a bowlful of my nervous bile.
She was caught. I was not. She ended our friendship shortly after that because I did not hop into the back of the cop car with her and take a trip past ‘Go’ without my motherfucking $200.
That should have been my lesson to never ever ever take something that didn’t belong to me. Regardless, I am happily recovering from my horrible addiction.
Now, when I get angry or stressed or ‘choke-a-bitch-out-ed‘ I get in my Jeep, and find the nearest place to spend some dough. It feels good to have my hands full of bright colored bags that are full of ‘paid for’ new-new’s.
New makeup.
New books.
New shoes.
New pens.New smell-goods.
New music.
New New New.
Even previously owned (consigned if you will) items give me just as an amazing high if not better than new stuff because not only is the high from the purchase prevalent, but the high from getting something at an amazing deal is on the tip of my clit right along with it.
Bottom line: I <3 shopping. Too much. Don’t get me wrong, I am not to the point where my bills get unpaid so I am able to get that new Prada bag or those new Jimmy Choo’s… but when it has been awhile since I have had a chance to spend some moo-lah, a bitch gets edgy. Edgy like lack of sex or missing my morning mocha.
Oh man. To have all 3, simultaneously?!
Shopping, while getting fucked with a quad iced white chocolate snickerdoodle mocha in my hand?!? *dies*
If you will excuse me… I have a new masturbateable fantasy to live out.
What is your ___aholism? Your vice?!?
If you were in my shoes, would you have turned yourself in, or gotten rid of the goods?
If you were in her shoes, what would you have expected your friend to do?
Tags: jail, loss prevention, masturbate, monopoly, Sex, shopaholic, shoplifting, shopping
