Love and Marriage… Horse and Carriage… You Get It.
Apr 7, 2009 Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
D: “Don’t you think that slit is a little risque for work?”
Me: “Really?”
D: “Yeah, I mean it makes me want to hike it up over your ass and do you. That screams risque to me.”
Me: “Don’t you want to do that anyway, slit or no slit?”
D: “Good point. Wanna f*ck?”
Me: “D! Charli is right there!”
D: “She is the ultimate cock block.”
Me: “There is always Spongebob and Goldfish. That buys us at least 15 minutes.”
D: “With that skirt, all I need is 5.”
Me: “Pumps on or off?”
D: “Really?”
Me: “Good point.”
I used to read a blog that I liked very much that talked a lot about marriage. It cracked me up to read the conversations between them because they paralleled my own married dynamics.
I wonder what ever happened to that blog….? Weird.
Anyway…. as I was blogging.
Today, after I floated out the front door to class (floating = bent-over-the-bed-pretty-pink-pumps-still-on-skirt-hiked-up-kids-coulda-caught-us-but-they-didnt-spontaneous-sex sex) I started thinking about why I love being married.
What!?! I LOVE being married?!?! I know. It sounds preposterous. It is totally unlike a married person to publicly announce their love of all things married. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have some single friends who I envy. They are without any real relationship responsibility… and that fact alone sometimes leaves me longing for just a snippet of what that feels like. I know though, that as soon as I had a taste of it… I would want the old thing back.
I am going to make a list of why I love being married. I love lists.
1) Married sex. Contrary to popular belief, having sex with a different penis/vajay every night is not the business. It really isn’t. What sucks is that in conversation… married sex gets the shit end of the stick.
I say that those people… the ones that complain about married sex, or lack there of was having issues far before vows were spoken and rings were exchanged. Marriage has simply been chosen as the blame-ee. <– See? Shit end of the stick.
2) No more dating. F*ck.Ing.Aye. I hated dating. Haaaaated it. Dating to me was like yanking my f*cking fingernails out. First dates, where you kinda know a person but not really… and then you get in front of them and begin to slowly dissect their mannerisms. “Do they have a lisp?” “Look at their tiny ass hands!” “OMG! This fool chews so god damn loud!”
I swear, before settling down with D, I would date such dumb asses that had no idea what the phrase ‘intelligent conversation’ meant… let alone what each word meant separately.
Don’t make a bitch nod off in her salad. Or want to pull her motherf*cking hair out. I am just saying.
Furthermore, people f*cking lie. And when I say lie, I am referring to the kind of lie where their asses remove themselves from their body in protest of the lie. The “I am not that kind of girl” kind of lie. BULLSHIT. The whole point is to bang. You screw to find out if their penis matches your vagina properly… or vice versa. But, as a woman, we have to act like sex is the last thing on our minds.
So we dont seem easy.
I say f*ck that. A bitch has needs.
Now that I am married… I can just grab D’s cock when I need some sex. Or just give him the look. The one where he knows that it is time to do me sideways. (That usually involves a specific pair of boy shorts or a sexy outfit that I am wearing too…) The point is, I don’t have to play games. I dont have to say a single word. I get what I want when I want it.
3) Comfort and safety. Literally. I know that I can pretty much speak freely about anything in the world when I am talking to my husband. We can try anything, and I know that he knows me and my reactions well enough to understand if it was a good decision. In the moment. I like to try things. I enjoy spontaneity. I want to explore stuff with him that maaaaaybe is not in the book of appropriate things to do. (Yeah there is a book.)
Marriage … actually. Committed relationships are not the ball and chain metaphor. They just aren’t. I am proud to say that I have chosen to spend my time with one person. Maybe it is because I am old…errrr or more mature in my perception of what ‘happiness’ is, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
What is your perception of marriage? Ball and Chain or Happily Ever After?
Do you or DID you enjoy dating? Why or why not?
Are/Were you a “I’m not easy” kinda person on the first date… or did you go with what felt natural… EITHER WAY!?
Tags: ball and chain, blogging, committment, dating, dumbass, first date, I'm not that kind of girl, liar liar pants on fire, love, marriage, safe, Sex
