Starts with the Letter D.
Aug 2, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, I Forgot to Tag, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love
I don’t talk a lot about it.
I honestly prefer to live inside this silly bubble where it doesn’t exist.
Unfortunately though, it does.
Up until I was about 19, I had never had a personal experience with losing someone close to me. In high school, our class lost a fellow student… and I heard through the grapevine of a couple of others as the years have passed… but I didn’t really have a personal connection to any of them… so it wasn’t the same feeling.
When my uncle passed, I had a hard time processing. My grieving process is to just numb up as if I did a dip in a pool of Novocaine. I wore my dress blues to his memorial service. He was a vet too. I thought he would be proud of me to see me in them.
And then my grandmother died. My mom’s mom. She died the day that X was born. I haven’t ever stopped to really grieve her loss. She was sick for so long that I think that it was well past her time. She needed relief from all of the oxygen treatments and medicines that she had to take for her to even had been with us for as long as she was. I really miss her though. I wish I could’ve had the opportunity to say good-bye to her.
When my Papa passed, it broke me. Like, down on one knee, grab my chest broken. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. He was my hero. I barely remember the service. I just remember thinking that I didn’t even get to talk to him like I had been meaning to. I just wanted to talk to him. It has been almost 6 years since he passed and it still aches to think about it. (or has it been almost 7? Jen help me out here.) Regardless, I miss him every single day.
As cold as it sounds, I was relieved when my Nana passed. She was so heartbroken and sick. We had no idea how bad her Alzheimer’s was until Papa died. When i was growing up, she had this glow around her. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Her laugh was infectious. The last time I saw her, she was dull. Her eyes were not familiar to me. All she wanted was to be with him. And I was so happy when she finally was given that opportunity.
This last year has been odd for me. My best friend has dealt with the loss of 3 people. Each of them were really really close to her. My hurt comes from seeing her broken. I didn’t know the first 2 who passed away. Saturday morning though, we both lost a friend. I met him through her probably a year ago, but just recently had we really hung out outside of the bar setting. He met my kids. They adored him. I immediately loved him. He was this big teddy bear with such a handsome smile, you kinda had no choice but to love him.
He was one of Tara’s best friends. Part of her extended family. He had a daughter. He was surrounded by so much love that it is hard to understand why he was taken away from it at such a young age. He was one of my newest friends. I really enjoyed the fact that he didn’t put up with Tara’s shit … but he did at the same time. This fact played into many fits of uncontrollable laughter.
Seeing Tara broken yesterday … and today … broke my heart. I will miss him too, but it isn’t the same. She is a hot mess of devastated and there isn’t a single word I can say to make her feel better. I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t know how to feel.
Does length of time knowing someone matter in defining the way losing them affects you?
I don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that I feel a empty place inside of me. I am not a fan of this feeling. Not even a little bit.
I know that I wish I knew him better. I will miss not having had the opportunity to do that. Or telling him that.
All I could think about yesterday was that I couldn’t imagine losing a best friend. I just kind of expect that they all are gonna just be here. That, I can pick up the phone and call each of them at any time of day and they will pick up and that will be that. Him dying, so unexpectedly and so tragically, reminded me of the fact that we are all not indestructible. No matter how awesome we are, how much love we have surrounding us, when it is our time … it is just that.
I shouldn’t play pretend anymore because it sucks when reality overlaps in my game of eternal life.
With that said, I just want to remind you all that you need to make amends. You need to look at the relationships you have and let them all know you love them. They may make you angry. They may disappoint. The choices that they make could be choices that you don’t agree with. But they are in your life for a reason. Make sure that you let them know that reason. Otherwise, you might not have the opportunity to do so.
If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown
Tags: death, dying, Family, Friendship, i love you, i miss you, memory
