Living Wicked

Honest Tuesday’s: I Don’t Like You. It Is Easier That Way.

Mar 8, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, Etc., Friendship, Honest Tuesday's, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

’scuse me while I ramble a bit… and feel free to relate if you wish.

I am sure that I am not alone when I say that I feel most content surrounded by the people I love. But I am probably one of few that doesn’t have that many people surrounding them anymore.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, the people I love the most diminish with time and happenings and exchanges of words. It makes me sad. It breaks my heart. It causes me to look in the mirror and ask myself what I as a friend could have possibly done to push them so far away.

But then, maybe it isn’t me.

I am difficult to love, and I like it that way. Why should my devotion come so easy to everyone? Is it fair to think that the people in my life should work hard to earn my love, trust and loyalty? I would work hard to reciprocate for theirs. In every relationship that I have ever encountered, I have worked hard to show them exactly how important they are to me.

I wonder why I find less and less people willing to do the same. As if, it is acceptable to give 50% in a friendship all of a sudden?

D tells me that so many people are terrified of me. Intimidated even. That they are afraid of what I might say to them. What do you mean? You are afraid of someone possibly telling you the truth? Is that what “friendship” has come to? Lying to one another? It makes me sad to know that people walk on eggshells… but at the same time, my guard remains up because really, I don’t give a fuck. I am gonna be me and say what I think, and ask for forgiveness later if it comes down to having to.

Fact is, I don’t like people. I don’t trust people. So excuse me if I don’t run and hug you and tell you all of my deepest, darkest secrets when we first meet.

Regardless, my life and my love are mine… and I choose who to share them with. If it isn’t you… then you haven’t proved to me that you are worth my love. If I shared it with you, and it was betrayed by you… then shame on me for allowing you in in the first place… It is too bad that you are gone, but with or without you…

I am going to love life, and live love.

Because that is how I roll.

Thoughts?

If you could have any car you wanted, which car would you choose? Would it be practical or flashy?
Imagine you woke up one morning to find you had switched bodies with me. What would you do?

Tags: eggshells, Friendship, guard, intimidate, love

An Opportunity to Say Hello.

Mar 7, 2010 Family, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

When did I become such a big ball of emotional?

I know, when I realized that 1) I am a grown up and 2) the friends I have mean more to me than I could ever express into words.

I feel like I am consistently reaching out. Phone calls, Voicemails, Texts … Emails … Many of them go unreturned and that is okay. I know that life is busy and that the world doesn’t revolve around me. However, I just want for them to always know that they are loved and thought of by our family. Fact is, we used to have a tight knit group. Our family. Most of them were boys, and as boys do … the revolving door of female counterparts was a frequent one.

Anyway, the tight knit group have since dissipated. Most of them have moved away and started lives with different friends and love interests. I get it. It is rare that what happened 10 years ago will happen 10 years from now and the entire group of friends will grow old together, spend holidays together … have their kids grow up together. What is hard for me to accept is that, in everyone’s lives … the importance of those friendships aren’t that much more important when distance is involved.

Or is it just me?

D and I found out that one of (or so I thought) our closest friends and his wife and daughter came home for a visit this past week. We found out the day that they left. I hate to be this way, but it stung a little bit to know that, after all of these years … we weren’t important enough for a phone call. It doesn’t really matter how long or short the trip was. It doesn’t make a difference to me. If it were me, I would make every effort to include all of the most important people in my life. If it didn’t work out, then fine … but at least they knew that it was important to us to wrap our arms around them … share a laugh … have a drink … break bread. Whatever. Something.

Even just the opportunity to say hello.

I am watching through photographs. Kids are growing and all of these memories are being made. I want to know them. I want their babies to remember me and love me like I love them. But as it stands, I am a stranger to them. That hurts my heart. Especially because my kids have uncles out there … and now nieces and nephews … whom they barely know. Not by blood, but by bond. Bond to me is that much more solid than any blood relation ever could be.

But I guess I cannot expect the world to see things through my eyes all of the time and I sure as hell cannot expect it to give as much of a shit as I do about the people in it whom I care so God damn much about.

Tags: brotherhood, distance, emotional, Family, Friendship

Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s: True Friendship

Mar 2, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Whatever Happened to? Wednesdays

Happy Hump Day folks, and welcome to Whatever Happened to Wednesday’s!

Today, my WeHtW’s post has little to do with me and more to do with my own observations.

The reason why is because I have already flushed my non-true friends down the figurative toilet.

It is hard to let friends go. Especially when you have a history with them. It is hard to swallow the fact that someone who you once thought you would end up an old bitty with … may have a different path than you.

But it is life.

The thing that bothers me the most is when people … adults … behave like children in the friendships.

Judgment
2 faced behavior
Conditions
Unrealistic expectations
Lies
Non existent communication

I could go on forever.

The point is that I have found that rarely (with females specifically) do childhood friendships go the long haul. I know many will argue that my view is not accurate. “I have been friends with SonSo for 2367845 years” blah blah blah.

I get it.

There ARE friendships that have gone the long haul. The difference is that each person in that friendship have grown together in the friendship. Both parties have become adults. And in adulthood, they have grown to accept the other person for all of their imperfections and flaws. It is similar to a marriage. When any relationship goes the long haul, there are kinks and bumps and hiccups.

You don’t just smile through them. Sometimes you knock down drag out whoop each others asses to get through it. Period.

One thing that I will say about each of my TRUE friendships is that each and every one of them have just embraced me for me and I have done the same. It may have taken an argument or 2 to get there … but if we made it through the last 5 years and remained friends … you and I will be lifelong.

I am not a judger. I may fucking loathe whatever the decision is that my friend is making … but you know what? It is not my decision to make. I am gonna love and stand by. I am gonna listen, and you can bet your ass when the bitch finally gets the clue I am gonna tell her about herself on some “I told your ass so” shit when she figures it out for herself. That is what a true friend does.

I am a true friend to my friends. I always will be. But I am not perfect, and I do not expect my friends to be perfect either. Unless awesome = perfect. Because all of my friends are awesome.

I am flaky sometimes. I forget to call you back. I am over extended and sometimes unable to manage my time well. I am selfish sometimes. But there isn’t a time where I would not bend over backwards if my friend needed me to be there. There isn’t a time where I wouldn’t give them my last god damn dollar if I knew my friend needed it more than I did.

It really hurts me to see a friend lose a friend. Almost as much as if I were the one losing the friend myself.

I just wish that each were able to fully step out of their own shoes and into the others. Most of the time, each have valid points in the hurt that they hold in their hearts … but that hurt can be blinding. Blinding to the point that the communication between friends goes down the toilet.

That usually is where The End fits.

I am quite confident that I have closed the book on all of the friendships that were dead weight on my life. It is a good feeling to know that I am finally surrounded by people who get it and me.


What are your thoughts on friendship?
Have you kept any friends from childhood? Are they more friends or acquaintances?
If you could be a crayon, What color and Why?

Tags: Friendship, high school, honesty, love, truth

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy

Dec 18, 2009 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Relationships, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch, love

TGIMFF!

You know the drill. Purge your week so that you can officially enjoy your weekend!!!

Dear Tarable,

I understand that you are having really good sex. I am really really really really happy for you. However. I am not having it. It = the sex. I would appreciate it if you would stop rubbing it in. Ok? Ok.

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Dear Owner,

I need to say this bluntly: It is offensive for you to blame our company for your addiction to food. There is nothing wrong with being a bigger size. Furthermore, I completely relate to us all not fitting the societal mold of a size 2 runway model. But to have the audacity to sit on the phone with me and blame this company for your obesity is offensive and completely out of line.

It is not my fault that you need to buy 3 plane tickets for you and your spouse in order to travel. Period. It is also not my fault that you are uncomfortable with your travels because of your size. How about rethinking that Big Mac with extra special sauce next time?

If you are mad about being obese … then maybe you should order a salad. Maybe … just maybe … you shouldn’t blame people i.e. your account manager for the woes you have experienced. The bottom line is: You are mad that you are obese. Either own it or fix it.

Love Tarable

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Dear Mister,

Go ahead and let it out. Just do it. Like Nike. It is going to happen eventually. You and I both know that it is inevitable. I am patiently waiting for the words to come out of your mouth. Because I refuse to be the one to say it first.

Yours always, Tarable

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Dear You,

It is inappropriate. Period. All of it. Every bit. Blah.

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Dear Wicked,

I love you, first and foremost. I am so glad that you admitted the weakness that it was and that you are bigger and better for it. You are truly my best friend in every way shape and form … and know me better than anyone else does. WE will get through the hard times together. No matter what happens. Goodnight and goodbye … ooooh ooh ooh. Because when it truly comes down to it, you are there. Quit looking at your cell phone. K?

Tarable.

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Dear Tarable,

You are not allowed to make me cry on my own blog. I am so proud of you and also so happy for you for finding someone to make you happy. I love you. Forever. I cannot wait to have my moment to honor you.

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Dear Ken Adams,

I may or may not have a crush on you.

Love, Regina Philange

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Dear Bosses,

I am stoked to be a part of the team. Know that I am gonna work my ass off. Period. Because that is what I do.

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Dear New Bitch,

Get out of my face. I am not interested in being nice to you. Ever.

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Dear Carol, Squish, Tori, Q, Chrissie, Cassie, Chrissa,

I motherfucking miss you. So bad that it hurts.

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Dear Vagina,

OMG STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot listen to your manipulativeness. CANNOT.

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Dear Manipulative Fucking Bitch,

He is going to leave you if you don’t knock it off. We don’t believe you. Whether you are in the picture or not, we will be friends. Period. It is all innocent and not at all what your insecure ass thinks that it is. K? K.

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Dear Xavier,

Thank you so much for trying. You really are a wonderful kid.

Love, Mommy

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Dear Wicked,
You will get there I promise. You need some strong something or other pushing you towards the finish line….I love you. You pretend like you can handle anything and everthing but you need help and when you ask for it it is hot. You can never be replaced. Even with you texting shit eating grin on your face. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear D,

God damnit I fucking miss you. On a level that is not able to be verbalized.

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This Friday, I am undecisive on the hottie. So Tarable hit “Random Hottie” in Google .. .so this is what you get:

Have you ever been left speechless? What put you in a position where you were without words?

Tags: Friendship, random hottie, Sex

A Blog About Violence.

Nov 8, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Etc., Family, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Suck It!

Sometimes I would like to punch the fuck out of a bitch.

Some people call that violence. I call it natural selection. Meaning, you are a dumb bitch and then I naturally select YOU to get punched in the face by me.

Example 1: Assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.

Like, talking shit about me to my husband in my house when I am not even there. Even further into it, the shit you are talking actually is not even close to the truth. Further than that is when you can’t even have a conversation with a bitch.

This lack of adult communication leads me to a blog about violence.

Example 2: Lack of manners.

Be it from kids, in a public place or even on the freeway. It all applies.

“Give me juice!” from a kid instead of “Please may I have some juice.”
Shoving past someone rather than saying “Excuse me.”
Cutting me off on the freeway without looking at how close I am to you and how fast I am going instead of pausing and checking your blind spots while using a blinker.

All 3 are motherfucking rude and also lead me to a blog about violence.

Example 3: Liars.

Tell me the truth. Even if it makes me mad. I am to the point with people who lie where I simply will stop talking to you. Not grudge holding. Not any stubbornness. Simply not willing to put in the time to re-trust you again. I just would rather not.

Liars bring me to a blog about violence.

People are fucking with my last nerve. We talk daily about not being the one. Me specifically not being the one. Once my last nerve is numb, I get violent and I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Add allllllllllllllllll off the other stresses?

Psh.

I might just charge your ass at the bar the next time I see you. And by charge, I mean fly/climb/hop over shit and pummel you to the ground. It would be worth the night in jail and lifetime ban from that bar to stomp a mudhole in your ass.

I might dump juice in your face you mannerless kid and then bitchslap yo’ momma for allowing such behavior to exist.

I might shoulder check the SHIT out of you next time for shoving past me like that. Bitch don’t touch me. I will gladly let you by if you simply fucking ask me to move. Wicked shoulder checks are not pretty. Especially if I accidentally let my hand fly up and slap you in your FACE.

I might ram into you. You don’t know me. The car I am driving might be a throw away car. One that I could give a fuck about the damage. I may not care about my own life either. Maybe I was on my way to the nearest bridge so I could launch my pathetic self off of it.

I might have a bar of Ivory handy ready to shove clean into your mouth if you are the next person to lie to my face.

Name 3 things in nature you find most beautiful?
When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?

Tags: behavior, childish, Friendship, road rage, violence

Life To-do’s … or Tada!’s

Aug 23, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, Wicked Wisdoms

** PSA: We are experiencing some spammy sensitive issues. (Meaning, pretty much all of my comments are being detected as spam. Comment just as normal and I may have to manually approve them when I check) **

Just when you think you know how to tackle life, another curveball gets pitched in your face.

Ever been on the shit end of the curve-ball-in-the-face stick? If you haven’t… I am jealous.

Overall I would say that this summer has been one of the best to date. I dropped summer quarter due to vehicle issues, and in the long run, it was the best decision that I could have possibly made. It has allowed me time with my best friends, my kids and my husband. As hard as I try to remain happy, there is this feeling of unsettling blue-ness all around me.

It seems like even if I am not specifically on the shit end of the stick … I still catch a good deal of the ouch that happens upon contact. Not that it bothers me or anything … you know … to in a way absorb even just a smidgen of someone else’s angst. Because it doesn’t. I think it is more of a draining feeling to consistently feel like you are surrounded by negative energy.

Is it just me?
Is it the effect of the economy and the State of the Union?

I feel like we are all tiptoeing. On the fragilest of eggshells. Afraid that one look in the wrong direction might just be the cause of the next major riot or government overthrow.

I feel like we are getting dumber by the millisecond. Dumber and more callus and so so drone-ish to everything that is going on around us. The REAL reality television. You know like how there is civil war happening in other countries, and maybe how our troops are smack dab in the middle of complete unrest?

So, instead of bitching about it, I think I will do my best to bring happy back to my corner of the world.

“Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.” – Burton Hills

Wicked’s To-Do List to reach ultimate Wicked happiness:

1) I have been missing the gym. A great deal. Like a long lost fuck buddy with an extremely big penis.
I think it is time to re-pack my gym bag and start going at lunch. I know that even 30 minutes of exercise every day will make me feel better.

2) More frequent masturbation. I don’t know what I have been distracted by, but just within the last 48 hours, I have had my fair share of bean flicking and can tell a significant difference in my mood. Whoever thought masturbation wasn’t an essential part of day to day happiness… was a damn fool.

3) More frequent blow-jobs. I really enjoy getting … but I reeeeeeeeeally enjoy giving.

4) Reconnect with my poetic side. I cannot remember the last time I was able to make a masterpiece poetically. Even if I just start doing flow-storms. Something to get my head back there. I miss poems.

5) More regular pedicures with my Charli-bear.

6) Deleting people from my life that are toxic and in no way a healthy addition.

7) Telling people when they make me sad rather than keeping it inside. Also telling them that I love them too… so it balances.

Laugh more.

9) Continue to stand up for my friends. No matter what others think of my doing so.

10) Always remind myself how beautiful I am. Not just on the outside. No matter what, I am a good person.

Lastly, 11) Remember to tell Xavier all of things about him that I love. So he doesn’t remember me as the mom who just bitched at him. (Isn’t this a kick ass picture)

I hope that me writing it out, I can refocus and get back to where I love to be: Happy as a clam and sharing joy with those who I love most. With that said, have a great Monday and thanks for reading. I now have something to reference back to.

Do you have a ToDo List that you can refer back to … to bring you back to happy? (That is if you arent already there)

Tags: Friendship, gym, laugh, love, pedicure, poetry, to-do list, toxic

I Don’t Know…

Aug 17, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., love

… why I love “Yo Gabba Gabba” so freaking much.

Thanks to Charli, I spend most of my life singing and also dancing the shit out of this song. I know. Sad day.

… how in the hell Xavier gets anything done in his life. That child moves so god damn slow. I can do the things I ask him to do 564634 times in the time it takes him to do it one time.

… why people don’t just say what they need to say. I find it much easier to live life when it is just all out in the open. Head games are not the business. If you hate me, say it. (Tell me why at least please.) If you love me, say it. If you are in love with someone, and you both are aware of the love and the love is a mutual love… SAY IT. Just let the words spill out of your mouth like a waterfall of emotion. For one, you may not ever get to tell them. And then what?

… why oral sex is such a big deal. It is a blow job for cry-eye. Like, why all the build up?

… why people sit on these social networking sites and aren’t even really friends. I just did that … for like … 2 months and then today I decided, ‘fuck it.’ I am trying to act like something is cool that isn’t. So, I pressed delete. It felt good.

… how people can just write their kids off. Just like that. Just, “Hey… I am not into being a parent. Take care!” What kind of bullshit is that? The other day, I was talking to one of my friends… and they were telling me how their nieces mother just decided to sign her rights away. And let another broad adopt the baby. Um, NO!? 1) I am not going to ever just sign my rights away. and 2) If I did, and I won’t I would for damn sure not let some other fucking bitch just jump in and do it. ON PAPER. IN FRONT OF A JUDGE.

Annnnnnnnnnd… I am spent. This random, boring and totally pointless blog was brought to you by sleepless motherfucking Wicked. What does this mean to you? This means that you get to make my blog that much cooler by sharing something super awesome and rad with me and everyone else.

Recipe maybe?
Joke?
A dumbass that you have come across recently?

Tags: deadbeat, facebook, Friendship, kids, parent, slow, social networking websites

YGWM & Friday Eye Candy x2

Aug 6, 2009 Current Events, Etc., Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., bitch

Happy Friday!

Today doesn’t feel like a Friday. I worked from home on Tues/Weds… and doing that always throws me off a bit. As I write this, I am cranky as a mofo. It annoys me when stupid shit comes to my attention. (stupid shit = finding out that people creatively omit information)

With that said:

Dear Twitter: (yes that is a link to SC’s profile)

/rant. For now anyway.

For Friday Eye Candy, I picked 2. 1 because I promised… and, I just dont see it but I promised and she is family… so without further ado….

Gavin Rossdale:

I looked and looked for a sexy pic that made me drool. He kinda creeps me out. … Not gonna lie. But, a promise is a promise. I hope I delivered, cousin of mine. <3

The 2nd is ... I am so fucking in lust after this man. I don't care what anyone thinks or says... I would fuck his face clean off of his body. And then re-fuck it back on so I could repeat the process of face fucking.

Jeremy Piven. My vagina throbs when I hear the name drop.

You are …. WELCOME. Now. Get to writing. I know you have a bitch to vent about from this week. At LEAST 1.

Tags: Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, heart and soul, place of employment, tarably wicked

Starts with the Letter D.

Aug 2, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, I Forgot to Tag, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love

I don’t talk a lot about it.

I honestly prefer to live inside this silly bubble where it doesn’t exist.

Unfortunately though, it does.

Up until I was about 19, I had never had a personal experience with losing someone close to me. In high school, our class lost a fellow student… and I heard through the grapevine of a couple of others as the years have passed… but I didn’t really have a personal connection to any of them… so it wasn’t the same feeling.

When my uncle passed, I had a hard time processing. My grieving process is to just numb up as if I did a dip in a pool of Novocaine. I wore my dress blues to his memorial service. He was a vet too. I thought he would be proud of me to see me in them.

And then my grandmother died. My mom’s mom. She died the day that X was born. I haven’t ever stopped to really grieve her loss. She was sick for so long that I think that it was well past her time. She needed relief from all of the oxygen treatments and medicines that she had to take for her to even had been with us for as long as she was. I really miss her though. I wish I could’ve had the opportunity to say good-bye to her.

When my Papa passed, it broke me. Like, down on one knee, grab my chest broken. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. He was my hero. I barely remember the service. I just remember thinking that I didn’t even get to talk to him like I had been meaning to. I just wanted to talk to him. It has been almost 6 years since he passed and it still aches to think about it. (or has it been almost 7? Jen help me out here.) Regardless, I miss him every single day.

As cold as it sounds, I was relieved when my Nana passed. She was so heartbroken and sick. We had no idea how bad her Alzheimer’s was until Papa died. When i was growing up, she had this glow around her. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Her laugh was infectious. The last time I saw her, she was dull. Her eyes were not familiar to me. All she wanted was to be with him. And I was so happy when she finally was given that opportunity.

This last year has been odd for me. My best friend has dealt with the loss of 3 people. Each of them were really really close to her. My hurt comes from seeing her broken. I didn’t know the first 2 who passed away. Saturday morning though, we both lost a friend. I met him through her probably a year ago, but just recently had we really hung out outside of the bar setting. He met my kids. They adored him. I immediately loved him. He was this big teddy bear with such a handsome smile, you kinda had no choice but to love him.

He was one of Tara’s best friends. Part of her extended family. He had a daughter. He was surrounded by so much love that it is hard to understand why he was taken away from it at such a young age. He was one of my newest friends. I really enjoyed the fact that he didn’t put up with Tara’s shit … but he did at the same time. This fact played into many fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Seeing Tara broken yesterday … and today … broke my heart. I will miss him too, but it isn’t the same. She is a hot mess of devastated and there isn’t a single word I can say to make her feel better. I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t know how to feel.

Does length of time knowing someone matter in defining the way losing them affects you?

I don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that I feel a empty place inside of me. I am not a fan of this feeling. Not even a little bit.

I know that I wish I knew him better. I will miss not having had the opportunity to do that. Or telling him that.

All I could think about yesterday was that I couldn’t imagine losing a best friend. I just kind of expect that they all are gonna just be here. That, I can pick up the phone and call each of them at any time of day and they will pick up and that will be that. Him dying, so unexpectedly and so tragically, reminded me of the fact that we are all not indestructible. No matter how awesome we are, how much love we have surrounding us, when it is our time … it is just that.

I shouldn’t play pretend anymore because it sucks when reality overlaps in my game of eternal life.

With that said, I just want to remind you all that you need to make amends. You need to look at the relationships you have and let them all know you love them. They may make you angry. They may disappoint. The choices that they make could be choices that you don’t agree with. But they are in your life for a reason. Make sure that you let them know that reason. Otherwise, you might not have the opportunity to do so.

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

Tags: death, dying, Family, Friendship, i love you, i miss you, memory

Wholly Magnetic

May 29, 2009 Friendship, Random, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

Please forgive me ahead of time. I had a pretty low key evening with Tarable which involved great conversation during a couple of stiff vodka-tonic’s in dollar store pounders with lemons all over them.

Yum.

I have been experiencing this feeling. It feels like my soul is magnetically being pulled in 14 different directions. It is being stretched. Tugged at. Yanked so tight where it feels as if my soul were see-thru. I get it and for the most part, it isn’t a bad feeling.

It’s just that I need some reprieve. I need to wrap myself up in my soul again; my security blanket if you will. I feel empty when even an inch of it isn’t covering my being.

Have you ever felt this way? That you are magnetic? That no matter how hard you try, you cannot fight feeling as if you are being pulled to something?

The worst part for me is that there is nothing I can do about it. I know why I feel like I do. I want to follow the magnetic pull, but I can’t. It hurts. It makes me feel empty and sad and uncomfortable and angry. I have a huge piece of my heart here where I am, but there are more pieces of my heart spread out… and I need to pull them back together to feel whole again.

I need my Tribe. Sooner than October. Tomorrow. Yesterday. Last week. 2 weeks from Monday. E. V. E. R. Y. D. A. Y.

I need to stand in the middle of the biggest group hug/boobie smashing in the history of hugs/boobie smashings. And then I need to find and hug every single one of them for like 3245 minutes each until my arms hurt and my heart swells so big and full that you can see its shape through my chest.

That is all. I just need them. I need my Tribe.

G’night.

Tags: Friendship, love, magnets, tribe