Living Wicked

Same Shit, Different Day, Etc.

Jan 27, 2010 Current Events, DUH, Etc., Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Ranteriffic, bitch

I am bored of blogging.

Maybe because the same shit happens every day. Maybe because I feel like I repeat myself all the time lately due to sameshitdifferentdayitis.

Maybe I should quit. Whatever. Suggest some shit. KThx.

I mean, it isn’t like my same shit different day is bad shit … it is just the same. So when you are a daily blogger … and the same shit happens, it is like watching the same episode of Friends that always seems to play at 10pm on TBS. Yeah, that shit is funny … but pretty soon … you can regurgitate all of the banter between Phoebe and Joey or Ross and Rachel. You know when Monica is gonna freak out over a misplaced item in her OCD filled life. Funny? Duh … but same nonetheless.

I was thinking about things that I hate a great deal the other day … which then led me to things that I also like a great deal as well.

For instance:

I hate deadbeats. Not just “parents” … but deadbeats in general. To me a deadbeat is anyone who 1) doesn’t own their responsibilities 2) trys to abusively control another human being OR 3) has nothing in life but a negative ass mouth piece and tries to bring others down with their sorry deadbeat asses.

On the same token:

I like them. I like having them around to fucking clown on or bitch about when I want to feel better about my sameshitdifferentdayitis. If it weren’t for them, we would have no one to talk about. And to be honest, I like talking about folks who deserve it.

I also really really hate liars. Like for no reason bold faced fucking liars. They could almost be put into a deadbeat category … but not always. I happen to know for a fact that there are some bold faced fucking liars who are upstanding citizens in all other ways BUT their lies. The only time lies are acceptable are when you are telling kids that Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy etc exists or when bill collectors keep blowing your shit up and you dont have any money to pay them so you act like “Alicia” and “just got this number yesterday so you have no idea who so’n’so is and stop calling.” “Alicia” may or may not be my fake name for bill collectors. Just saying.

Anyway, Liars suck. The end.

Speaking of sucking, I really like sucking. Literally. Not like sucking at life sucking … but suuuuuuuucking. On lollypops or dripping ice cream or penis or … yeah that.

I also like lint brushes. Nothing says bad sameshitdifferentday than lint all over the place.

I hate when I get out into “natural light” and my outfit looks like my cat dry humped it all over the place. Orange hairs all over the place. That fucker waits until I get my shit set out to come and purr all on it like it is his special bed. Helllllooooo spray bottle … meet Jacksons in my business ass.

I like D fat. He is a fatty and I love every fat inch of him. He is not allowed to get skinny again.

I hate that Charli doesnt sleep through the night yet. It is all my fault too.

I hate processes.

I hate how it takes someone super quick to take your money but fucking forever to give it back.

I like getting paid every week.

I also like my co-workers. Especially the non baby ones. (heh.)

I like my job. When someone closes a deal and rings that bell … that shit rules. Why? Because we all rally and make that person feel awesome for their accomplishment. FIST BUMP!

So yeah. That is where I am at. I am also at LMFAO at this pic:

Does anyone else feel the sameshitdifferentdayitis? Tell me about it.

Also, would you rather be … born with an elephant trunk or born with a giraffe neck?

Tags: friends, lint brush, monica, ocd, phoebe and joey, ross and rachel, same shit different day, would you rather

Honest Tuesday’s: Hi Hater!

Dec 22, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Honest Tuesday's, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic

Welcome to Honest Tuesday’s! A place to come and be honest about everything you aren’t being honest about … even if I am the only one who knows it.

For today, I will admit that I am a big fat fucking hater.

If you are in love, I hate you.

If you are having regular sex and you like it, I hate you more.

I am pretty sure if I see you on the street all glow-ey like, holding hands with your oneandonlysomeone … I hate you.

I hate you if you are named Ken Adams.

If you don’t go home and drink wine alone …. instead you go home and have someone there to talk to OTHER THAN A CHILD, I hate your face.

If you masturbate because you WANT to and not because you HAVE to … biiiiiiiiiitch I hate you the mostest.

I hate you if you have a unlimited amount of money and you just sit on it all frugal like, and you dont give it to me to buy plane tickets for my friends who I miss the most to fly here and fucking kick it.

I hate you if you have a penis and aren’t sharing it with me.

If you have someone to kiss on NYE, I hate you too.

I hate you if you are all Christmas spirit-y.

I hate you if you are one of the 3 people that I hate at work.

I hate you if you are a generally negative person.

I also hate you if you are a feelings hurter.

If you cannot keep my name out of your mouth, I fucking HATE you.

I hate you if you are stupid.

I hate you if you shoot cops.

And if you are a cop killer affiliate. (i.e.. getaway driver, shelter provider, etc)

I hate you if you are my vagina because you are throbbing like no ones business and it is DISTRACTING.

Lastly, I hate you if you are all “aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwiamsosorryblahblahblahwhateveryouneediwillbetherforyou” and don’t come through.

K?

Tags: friends, HI HATER, ken adams, masturbation, Sex

Old-Bitty-Committee

Oct 4, 2009 DUH, Etc., Family, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Random, Ranteriffic, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Yum... or Lack There Of.

Happy Happy Monday! How was your weekend?

Mine was awesome for the most part. Friday night I curled up on my couch with my kids and passed the hell out. I am drained from the new job. I have learned that selling is all about drudging up emotion in the buyer. It is a mental workout to say the least.

On Saturday we had a small get together. It originally was supposed to be my oldest friend and her new wife. Before I knew it, we had a nice group of lovely peeps, plenty of 2 buck chuck and some bomb asian food compliments of D’s chef-ery-like skills.

Me as the hostess and him in the kitchen = big success in my book.

I have come to a realization though. I could very well be coming into the time in my life where I am an old bitty.

A 30 year old motherfucking bitty.

My longing to go out and mingle with the “Cool Kids” at the bars is gone. I have zero desire to go out for drinks after work. I don’t wanna be social. I would much rather curl up in my chair, no bra … no makeup … and just be. Well, it isn’t gone all the way. I still enjoy a night out. I just have no desire to go out every night like I used to.

I was so happy last night when the last of my guests had left my house promptly at 11pm. It was like the inner alarm clock went off inside everyone’s head and they just knew that it was time to shake the spot. As soon as we waved the last of the guests off, we waved my bra off right along with them.

That means we are old … doesn’t it? Fuck it if it does.

I like bedtime. At a decent hour.
I like being at home.
I am perfectly content not meeting another new fucking person ever.
I do not like people knowing my business.
I like the same things and would like to not try new shit. At least not very often.
I don’t wait in line. Ever.
I cry at commercials. And sappy movies. Shit, sometimes I just cry for no reason.
I have to wake up to the same channel in the morning or it throws me off.
I only watch one news channel. (Yes it is the same channel I wake up to in the morning. Don’t judge.)
I have late night talk show preferences and I stand true to them.
I don’t like people. Especially people who are younger than I am and who have no damn sense or manners.

If that makes me an Old Bitty, then so be it. I will be that. I will be the president of the Old Bitty Committee.

Who’s in?

If you had one word to describe yourself , what would you choose?
What is your favorite word?

Tags: bedtime, bra, dinner party, friends, old bitty, president, sleep

^5 @ Slumber Party

Sep 13, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, Parenting, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms

This weekend made for an interesting one. It was Xavier’s birthday slumber party weekend and let me tell you about how it consumed every ounce of my energy.

Nine 9 year olds. N I N E. (Well, the average age was 9. There were a couplea youngins…. but you get the picture) in my house. At the same time. They each were chaos in their own little 9-ish year old ways. I truly enjoy watching people interact, but there is nothing like sitting on my porch with a glass of wine and observing the way kids react with one another.

We (D&I) rocked this slumber party’s casbah. We couldn’t have gotten by without a little help from our friends though. JonnaBonnana with her scavenger hunt co-ordination, painfully awesome game ideas, and creative kid naming, HenrySan and his always having that one little thing we are missing somewhere in a box in his garage … Tarable with her knack for knowing what I need without me even having to ask.

We couldn’t have pulled it off without them.

This night was a test for us. It was our first big kid event ever. D and I had to work as a team to make sure that these kids were entertained, fed, getting along and having a good time. We went in phases:

1: Skatepark- D took all of the boys to the skatepark for a couple of hours while Tarable and I cleaned up the house and prepped for the evening.
2: $5 hot and ready’s from Little Ceasars. (If you are unaware, get aware.)
3: Scavenger Hunt.
4: Some fun outside in our backyard. Red Rover is not suitable for kids. That is all. @ Banonna

5: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Comic Tournament. Winner takes $5. Since there were uneven numbers, D was the wild card. Guess who took the $5. Yep. D. He showed zero mercy. (P.S. my favorite character was The Joker.)

6: Ice cream sundae bar. Direct quote from blue shirt kid: “this is the best slumber party EVER!” (insert ^5 to plaid shorts kid)
7: Race to Witch Mountain. These kids sat through the entire movie. EPIC WIN. This stage also included D and I rocking the evenly distributed movie theatre style popcorn, red vines, sour patch kids and water bottles.

After the movie, it was free reign on the approved list of video games. These rock stars partied until 5AM. Brown outfit kid tried to hang but couldn’t. Neither could plaid shorts kid. They were awakened to chocolate chip pancakes.

Right!? EPIC slumber party.

Go US. It exhausted the shit out of us, but it was so worth it to see X a happy camper. I would do it again. I WILL do it again. No matter how tired I am… I love making my kids happy and seeing them smile … and listening to them laugh.

Right now, Marriage isn’t:

It is more:

How was your weekend? What is new in your world?
What was your favorite part about a slumber party as a kid?
What is your favorite munchie when you go to the movies?

Tags: friends, happy birthday, race to witch mountain, red rover, red vines, skate park, slumber party

Business as Usual.

Aug 9, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

It is one thing for someone to tell you that they saw a grown man break down on one knee and actually seeing it for yourself.

Saturday was the memorial service for my new friend. Tarable and I went and paid our respects. The magnitude of the love that Steve had surrounding him was intense. The service was standing room only. When the mic opened for anyone to pay their respects or share a story about him, the number of people who truly loved him was amazing.

I had a moment at the service where I felt my chest tighten and seeing his handsome face up on the projector hit home for me. It wasn’t until his best friend spoke about him … and broke down … that I lost my composure. It didnt help seeing his beautiful daughter’s heart on her sleeve … and hearing her mother … so broken … so lost … it was hard to see such raw emotion.

A great service ended with a celebration afterward at the bar he DJ’d at.

I met people who were so close to him that I hadn’t met prior to … but most likely would have met anyway. It is funny how when you really connect with someone, even after just meeting them hours before can make you feel like old friends. I hope to see them again, on more positive circumstances next time.

I thought that I had maintained my sob-fest really well. I am a mess of emotion lately anyfuckingway … so I try to avoid as many snot-fests as hormonally possible. In public anyway.

And then I went home to my happy, unknowing-of-my-day family. A “mommy” screaming bum-rush from my kids and dinner. A kiss and a smile from my D. It was business as usual. So … I embraced my “mommyyouweregonealldaywemissedyou” greetings with a super mommy-gangster forced smile, changed into my comfy clothes … and was absorbed by my couch.

And then, I lost it. Like, uncontrollable … tears streaming down my face … snot rags … tryingtohideitsomykidswouldntseeandmakeitworsebyhuggingmebuttheydidanywayand … madeitworse … lost it.

Partially because my new friend that I barely knew but wished I knew was gone. Partially because all week I have been Tarable’s rock. Mostly though, I saw that 7 year old beautiful baby girl up there, trying to be so strong … and her momma … so lost and so heartbroken … nevermind whatever it was that they had … or didn’t have.

Her emotions were real.

So coming home to business as usual struck a cord. Whatever her business as usual was, was taken from her in a motherfucking instant. Mine could be taken from me just as easy. And, (not that I am going to sit here and dwell on that forever or anything,) in that moment of my perfectly imperfect normalcy … in the hugs and loves … I could very well have been standing up there with my babies … Xavier trying to be the strong one … lost … and broken.

So maybe my tears were because I am so thankful that as of today … I still get to appreciate my business as usual. Maybe they were tears of relief and gratefulness. Maybe … they were because, just as Steve lived as if he were invincible … or “Superman” as it was quoted at his service … D does too. And I think that I reminded myself that I need to remind him of how quickly we can be taken, at the hands of someone less careful and responsible as we are.

For now though, I am going to learn the lesson that was put before me and thoroughly enjoy my family. I am going to always let those closest to me know that I love them. Even if we are at odds with one another.

Whatever yours is, make sure you are aware of what business as usual means to you. It would be tragic to realize that you lost it before you even knew it was there.

Have you learned any valuable lessons lately?
What did you do this weekend?
Share a funny story or something. I need to smile.

Tags: business as usual, death, Family, friends, funeral, Parenting

Shedding (Las Vegas) Skin

Jul 12, 2009 Current Events, Etc., Friendship, Masturbate-able, Random, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love

HaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappyMotherfuckingMonday.

This last weekend, I made it to Vegas by the hair on my ass and the skin on my vagina. We scrimped and scrounged to get to this place that I have regularly referred to as my favoritefuckingplaceinthehistoryofplaces.

Vegas. Viva Las … What Happens in … Fear and Loathing in … Vegas.

What is your favorite place in the history of places?
Have you ever taken a trip that turned out not as good as you hoped?
If you could pick anywhere in the world to go on vacation… where would you go?

Tags: coyote ugly, friends, las vegas, luxor, vacation

Considerate Cheating, Etc.

Jun 1, 2009 Family, Fitness Forward, Friendship, Random, This Thing Called Marriage., love

My birthday weekend has come to an end. I didn’t plan on it turning into a weekend of celebrations in my honor, but some really great people surrounded me this weekend and I more than appreciate it.

Also, I shopped for Vegas.

And, I cheated.

I ate a cupcake. One that my son bought for me with his hard earned money.

I ate 3 bites of macaroni and cheese.

I ate a half of a piece of toast.

I ate a small amount of mashed potatoes.

And I only feel bad about the macaroni and cheese.

When D (cautiously) asked me what I wanted for my birthday dessert, I told him that I wanted strawberries and whipped cream. He asked me if I was sure and (of course) I totally was… so he went and found me the SB approved whipped cream.

I have such a newly considerate husband.

He never used to think about things like that before. As long as we had been together, he used to always forget to ask for no mayo on my burgers and sandwiches. He used to forget the drinks that I did or did not like. I learned to deal with it as best as I could, but deep down it bothered me to no end that my own husband, my supposed soul mate couldn’t even remember little things about me.

It all goes back to the little things. You may not think that him taking a moment to stop and find the Cool Whip that is SB approved is important, but I do. It means that he supports me. That he takes me seriously, and knows that as small of a gesture as it is… that it means the world to me.

All in all, it was a great birthday. Thanks to my friends who drank mimosas on Sunday, and all of the messages with Happy Birthday wishes that I recieved all day yesterday and today. I really feel special. And unconditionally loved.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

(Feel free to share your progress)

What is your favorite birthday memory?
What is your favorite birthday cake?

Tags: birthday, birthday cake, friends, presents

TMI Thursday: Not My Crotch Crust!

Apr 29, 2009 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, TMI Thursday's, Yum... or Lack There Of., bitch

Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!

You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.

If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs… Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….

I have heard in several conversations in my life a phrase similar to “sometimes they need a little guidance on how to appropriately clean down there…” in reference to adolescent girls and their vag-area.

(yeah. I am going there yet again)

I always feel like I have a puzzled look on my face when this conversation comes about once in the big fat less than 5 times I have found myself in the exchange of it because I don’t ever remember my mom sitting me down and teaching me the ropes on how to properly clean my snatch.

Do you?

Anyway, on to the nasty of the nast.

When I was about 15-16 years old, I had the party house. One of my girlfriends at the time, we will call her Trina, had it out with her mom and ended up staying with us for (what ended up to be) a couple of months.

I knew that she didn’t have a lot, so whatever I had I shared with her. We went to the same school, worked at the same job and had most of the same friends so it worked out pretty well.

For the most part.

After a couple of weeks, I noticed that she had been wearing a lot of the same clothes. I offered to let her borrow stuff, and for the most part she accepted… even though our styles differed a bit. She also did not take care of her stuff as well as I did, so if she borrowed a shirt, I kind of didnt want it back from her. It ended up stained, over worn, and stretched out beyond recognition.

Call me a snobby bitch, but I dont think it is too much to ask to get something back the way it left my closet. Just saying.

Anyway one day after school, my mom calls me down to her bedroom.

Mom: (holding a monistat box and a pair of black jeans between 2 fingers in a disgusted manner.) “Hey baby… so I was grabbing stuff from out of your bathroom to make a full load of laundry and I stumbled upon these…”
Me: (pointing to the box) “What is that for?”
Mom: (pointing at the jeans) “It is to help you out with this!”
Me: (leaning forward) “To help me out with what?”

And then I saw it. *shudders*

On the inside crotch area of these jeans lived a kind of green crotch crust that cannot be described into words… and makes me wish today that I had premonitions and knew I would blog about this very moment so I could take a picture and visually torture the entire lot of you. It was thick and more than one shade of green… and this crunchy organism had cocooned itself within its green crotch-crusty nastiness.

I jumped back a little, swatting the infected jeans from my mom’s hands.

Me: “Those did NOT come from my bathroom!”
Mom: “Yes they did!”
Me: “Those are NOT MINE Mom!”
Mom: “Well if they aren’t yours…”

Mom: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”
Me: “I cannot believe you thought those were mine!”
Mom: “Well?”
Me: “Well!”

So we … erm … disposed of these jeans in the proper hazmat manner. And left it at that.

If my memory serves me correctly… the jeans were replaced with non contaminated ones… and well, that nasty bitch had to go. I think my mom totally played the bad guy in the reason she needed to take her green vagina home for her mom to deal with.

Did she have the talk with Trina? The world may never know. All I know is I never ever mentioned that shit to her or anyone else really … well … not until now.

Heh. Enjoy the rest of your breakfast.

Does this spark any TMI’s for you?
Anything to add?
Do you remember being taught to wash….. or did it come naturally?

Tags: adolesence. mom, crotch, crust, friends, green, jeans, yeast infection

Allotted Annoyance

Apr 26, 2009 All Things Charli, Current Events, DUH, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, Sound Off/Debate, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch

Happy Monday!

In the interest of my current state of monthly allotment of cuntiness, I have created a list of things that are annoying the ever living shit out of me lately.

I encourage you to embrace this blog and make your own list of accumulated annoyances.

1. Obama bashing. This is not because I am this uber-Obama-nutcase who wears Obama attire every day with an Obama bumper sticker on my vehicle. This is because every where I go, someone has a paragraph and a half about how shitty he is and how bad he has fucked everything up and how the 100 days in office are the reason for all of the countries problems. I dont care who the current President is. I really do not. If it were McCain in office right now, I would be just as irritated with the excessive amount of shit-talking. Am I the only person who is considering the fact that there are at least 2 previous administrations before him that have begun the fucking-up.

How can someone make this big of a mess of things in 100 days? Maybe I am politically ignorant… but… It doesn’t make sense.

This is not pointed at any specific party: Shut UP already!

2. Haters. Specifically the silent, sneaky ones. For instance, many of you follow my blogs through Networked Blogs. (Hint Hint if you haven’t you should) I have noticed that people who are listed as “Anonymous FB User” are following my blogs. Really? What reason would you have to follow me anonymously? Why are you hiding behind the FB silhouette? I smell a rat with a funky vagina in the presence of awesomeness.

Also, the haters who smile in your face, but talk shit around you and behind you … and really everywhere else but to your face.

Say what you need to say. To me. Not behind me.

3. Uninvited Pessimism. I get that people dont always agree. I get that my beliefs aren’t that of those who are in my life. However. To attempt to bring down my passion and my dreams because you dont have any? Uncool.

4. App invitations and excessive fan pages. Become a fan of not being on fire? Really? I dont have any desire to do any of the bazillion apps that are sent my way. I dont have time. Stop asking. Seriously. Not Fashion Wars (even though I totally invited a shit ton of people at one point) Not Mafia Wars. Not GreenPatch. None of it. FB is losing its luster. Myspace can still suck it. TRIBE needs to create a social networking site that is not annoying.

5. All things Twitter. Nuff said.

6. My lack of motivation. I am just not in that place right now, and I really really really need to be.

7. The VA bitch at my school. She has to be the most difficult bitch on the planet to deal with on a daily basis. If it isnt one fucking thing it is the other and all I want to do is just go to school. That is it. She doesnt seem to understand that it is not my intention to deal with her regularly. Just certify my shit and get out of my face. GET OUT OF MY FACE.

8. People hurting my friends feelings.

9. Charli. I know. I get it. But I need to share something. She doesn’t sleep through the night. And, when I am home, she literally has to be touching me. From the time I walk in the door until the time she passes out. I need space. Not want, need. NEED. She doesn’t seem to get yet, that her crawling all over me like I am her human catpost… is not my favorite thing.

Sit next to me. Not ON me. At least for like, I dunno, an hour. Shit, 20 minutes. Fine, FIVE minutes. Whatever. I am just feeling extremely claustrophobic.

10. Pretentious-ness. On date night, we went out into downtown Bellevue. For those of you who dont know… it is a little bit boo-jee. Like, dont show up in some Target brand jeans, or drive anything less than a Lexus… boo-jee. Anyway, D and I braved that shit anyway… putting on our Sunday best and simply enjoying each others company. As we left the theatre, and were coming down the escalator… this total fucking douchebag, who was completely wasted, stopped D to comment on his sweater vest. (which is really dope, btw.)

DB: “Duuuuuuuuude! That is a kick ass sweater vest! Where did you get it?”
D: “Thanks Bro.” (Turning to me) “Babe, where did I get it?”
Me: “TJ Max.”
DB: “TJ Max?! No way.”
D: “Yeah.”
DB: (laughing) “I guess it isnt as kick ass as I thought it was.”
Me: “I am glad we are not out to impress you then. Dick.”

Right. How does an item of clothing lose its kick-assness based on where you purchase it at? DKNY is DKNY no matter if you paid full price or not. In my opinion, the less you spend on name brand the mother fucking better.

Suck it douche bag. But hand over the keys to your over-compensating-vehicle and your platinum credit cars first before you do.

Do you have a list of annoyances?
Wanna add comments to mine?
What did you do this weekend?

Tags: annoyance, facebook, friends, McCain, motivation, myspace, networked blogs, obama, pessimism, pms, politics, tribe, twitter

Bumped it Up & Viagra it Up

Apr 19, 2009 DUH, Family, Friendship, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, Wicked Wisdoms, bitch, love

If there is any conversation going on in my house, I need to know what it is about.

I know. Shocking, isn’t it?!

Tonight, D and his douchebag friend were talking… in dumb code like I was not paying attention.

DF: “My dad comes home tomorrow so I am gonna raid his house for those.”
D: (in a creepy chimo voice) “Heh Heh Heh.”
Me: “What are those?!”
D: “Don’t worry about that.”
Me: “If you tell me to not worry about it one more time in my house I am going to kick you in your dick hole.”
D: “Extend pills.”
Me: “Extend pills? Like Viagra?”
D: (air humping) “Yeeeeeeeeeeah”
Me: “Gross!”
D: “Why is Viagra gross?”
Me: “Because it is like a 9 hour boner. We have kids. You don’t have time to have a 9 hour boner.”
D: “Right, because I would just wake up in the morning and pop a Viagra.”
Me: (raising my eyebrows) “Like you haven’t ever done anything odd like that before for no reason.”
D: “Shut up.”
Me: “Wow. That was a total sick burn.”
D: “Spooge Wrangler”
Me: “Really!?”
D: “Yep.”
Me: “That is how I know I am right.”
D: “Huh?”
Me: “When all you can do is resort to name calling.”
D: “Bitch.”

Case in point.

Heh.

Also, you know you have a best friend when you can yell and threaten to punch them in the face all in jest and not have to explain to their over sensitive ass that you were only kidding.

My partner in pretty, Tarable and I are blessed with that kind of BFF-ationship. We have been tossing around the idea of having our own video show. She is not interested in blogging like I am, but we have been talking about buying a video camera and just recording our situations. D would be our one-liner sidekick. I think we could end up a youtube sensation… because we laugh so god damn much at our own dorkiness… that I would be surprised if we were the only ones who thought it was funny.

I dunno. Could be a good time.

Anyway, Last night when we were laying in my bed, attempting to fall back to sleep after already being asleep but were woken up by Charli’s loud screaming ass, we got to giggling about only things that you giggle about when you are re-awake at 2AM.

Me: “you need to take that plastic off of your back” (referring to her new tattoo)
T: “I don’t want to. If I take it off I am going to have to wash my back”
Me: (grimacing) “Take that shit off you nasty hoe.”
T: (whining loudly) “WASH MY BAAAAAAAACK!”

So I washed her back, but not before kicking some shit, threatening to elbow her in the face, and cussing her out in a loud whiny manner that can only be heard to fully grasp. Or, ask D. He came busting into the bedroom right in the middle of our cat fight and turned right the fuck around and shut the door behind him… only able to mutter a “Wow.” at our behavior.

After the over-dramatic hoopla, Tara and I laid in bed in the dark and cracked the fuck up about this and that.

Me: “Rach watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time a couple of weeks ago… and hated the shit out of it.”
T: “Really!? I fucking love that movie. Like how Napoleon’s brother Kip said “Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know I’m training to become a cage fighter.”
Me: (laughing out loud) “It is really one of those movies that you either love or you hate. Kind of like us.”
T: “True. I love that fucking movie.”
Me: “Me fucking too. Like when Napoleon is riding his bike, and Uncle Rico throws the steak at him and it (giggle) hits (snort) him (gigglesnort) inthefuckingface!?!! How is this not funny?!”

Insert a 10 minute uncontrollable giggle intermission. With tears.

Me: (wiping my face) “I told Rach to have G do the full dance scene at the end.”

More gigglesnorts.

So we lay there. Both trying to sleep, but not sleeping. Suddenly, she shoots up staring at something on the tv.

Me: “What kind of fucking shit is THAT!?”
T: “No shit, right!? It’s like, if I am getting down with a guy… do I want to have to pause and pull that fucking thing out of my head? Or, what if I forget, and wake up the next day with half of it hanging out?”
Me: “I just dont know how that is comfortable.”
T: “It looks like it could be a weapon.”
Me: “A weapon?”
T: “Yeah or like a reverse banana clip.”
Me: “I guess it could come in handy at a bar fight or something.”
T: “Right!?”
Me: “If I am gonna put some contraption like that in my head, it needs to be multipurpose.”
T: “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Me: “Multipurpose like a dildo or a condom holder.”
T: “Wow. Really!?”
Me: “You are just mad that you didnt think of it first.”
T: “Whatever.”

I often wonder what I would do without the 2 of them. They are comic relief, support, love and trust all wrapped up into 2 amazing human beings. When I need to be slapped in the face and told about myself, or a shoulder to cry on… they are there. I am grateful for them every single day.

Anyway, I thought I would share. I thought it was funny and I hope you do too. Everyone needs a good laugh on a Monday morning.

Do you have any funnies from your weekend?
Have you heard a joke or a funny story recently?
What is your favorite comedy right now?
What do you think about us doing the “Tarably Wicked Show”?
Would you buy and wear a Bump it Up!?

Happy Monday!

Tags: bitch, bonding, bump it up, chimo, friends, Friendship, love, marriage, Sex, viagra