YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Feb 4, 2010 All Things Charli, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Yum... or Lack There Of.
Hello and welcome. Happy motherfucking FRIDAY to you all!
Blind yet? Heh.
Alright. Let’s get on with the open lettering.
Dear IDIOTS,
Idiot #1: You are so fucking stupid. I feel sorry for your kids who have to grow up in an idiot filled environment. Because of you, there is now a clan of idiots roaming the state of Oregon freely and idiotically.
Idiot #2: You are totally unaware of the level of idiot you possess. To have to be near you on a regular basis is fucking paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainful.
Idiot #3: Really?! Lies? All of them? No one feels sorry for you anymore. In fact, it is the opposite. What happens after, is going to be well deserved for all of the lying.
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Dear Everyone,
I don’t give a fuck about the following:
1) The Olympics
2) Your issues.
3) Lost
4) Twilight
5) Avatar
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Dear Sickness in my Throat and Sinuses and Ears and Bodyaches,
FUCK THE FUCK OFF. I am not submitting to your nastiness. I refuse. GET OUT OF MY AREA.
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Dear Self,
You need to stop letting your own doubt prevent you from success. What are you so god damned scared of? What do you have to lose? Just ASK for it. The very worst that can happen is that the answer is no.
Stop giving yourself roadblocks. It is unnecessary stress that you do not need.
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Dear Charli,
Please leave me to sleep alone for like 3 nights a week. That is all I am asking. I love you to death but seriously?! I would like some sleep without you in my personal space. I am over your feet in my back. I am over your face in my face. You are a kicker and a bed hog and I would really like a night of sleep in peace.
I am | | <--- this close to begging for it.
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Dear Writers Block,
Seriously? Get the fuck out of my life. I have the ability to write an entire manuscript of poetry and another SC, which is what everyone is waiting for ... but when it comes down to actually putting content on paper, you are there ... COCKBLOCKING my creativity.
FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF AND DIE.
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Dear You,
Blah. Why is it that half the time I hate you and the other half I dont?
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Dear Tarable,
I am glad you are being an adult. I am proud of you and I love you and I am here for you always.
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Dear Sunshine,
I miss you. Can we catsup soon?
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Dear Inner Fat Girl,
If I could reach inside of myself and stab you to death I would. You are counterproductive to my goals.
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And now for some Friday Eye Candy... Thanks to Cass's recommendation I present Mr. Taye Diggs!
Annnnnd … Ms. Cameron Diaz 
There you have it folks. You know the drill … purge your weeks in open letter form, so you can go and thoroughly enjoy your weekend!
Tags: cameron diaz, Friday Eye Candy, idiot, open letter, taye diggs
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Jan 22, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Etc., Family, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
WAZZZZZZZZUP!!!!!!!!!!! TGIMFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No bullshit, I am 1) Glad that it is Friday. 2) Glad that it is the weekend. 3) Glad that it is Open Letter FUCKING FRIDAY!
Dear New Piercing(s),
Fucking HEAL already.
Love Tarable & Wicked
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Dear D,
Bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (breath)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Fine. Fucking fine. FINE.
Courtni.
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Dear Stupid Boy,
You are fucking STUPID. I just wanted to you to know.
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Dear JWow and Snook’s,
We are your West Coast soul sistahs. We would beat any bitches ass or even a dudes if he pressed the right buttons. It is like the East and West ATeam. Or really the Bteam. B= Bitches.
Yeeeeah.
Tarably Wicked.
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Dear Jamie,
If the open letter isn’t signed … then I wrote it.
Love Wicked.
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Dear Tarable,
I gotcho back. Always.
Love, Your Bestie
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Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you so addicting?!
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Dear You,
I appreciate you. Love you, mean it. 
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Dear Emotions,
Why? Why do you have to come out at the most inopportune time? Why do you have tear ducts? Like at work when you are looking at yourself in the mirror … or when you are talking to your bestie and she realizes that you are crying and she asks you as you are crying and when she asks you, you cry harder? Why ruin your makeup? Why?
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Dear Friday’s,
We have 60 of you that are just to ourselves. We vow to do really awesome stuff together and without boys or kids or drama filled people. Just us. A bestfrienddate.
Love TarablyWicked
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Dear 2/12,
You have been scheduled as our bestfriendvalentinesdayfridaydate. We are gonna kick it and get drunk and watch a funny movie. The end of that.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Snookin for Love,
Really?!
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Dear Credits,
Fucking get bought. K?!
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Dear Self,
You are good enough. You are going to be successful. You will make President’s Club. Why? Because. You are not average. You work your ass off everyday. You are TRYING.
It will will will will will will pay off.
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Dear Charli,
GET OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.
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Dear Carbs,
Fuck the hell offfffffffffffffff. FUCK OFF.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Old Man,
I get that you are grumpy because you haven’t eaten dinner. I bet your dinner involves complex carbohydrates. Guess what?! Mine doesn’t and I am just as cranky if not more.
Fuck you stupid owner david.
Tarable.
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Dear Ken Adams,
Fuck. Seriously, the thin line is getting thinner by the moment.
Regina Philange
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Dear Hungry,
We legitimately hate you.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Girls Trip,
Its GONNA HAPPEN.
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Dear Courtni,
You need to make a decision for yourself for once. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. You can never say that you didn’t try.
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And for some FRIDAY EYE CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!
First… Gerard Butler … YUMMMMMMM.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Minka Kelly ….
Now you go. Purge your weekend so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends!
Tags: 300, Friday Eye Candy, gerard butler, ken adams and regina philange, minka kelly
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Jan 14, 2010 Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch, love
Happy Friday!
You know the drill … come here, purge your bullshit so that you can enjoy the weekend.
Dear You,
Thank you so very much for knocking it the fuck off. You are much more pleasant to be around when you are not being a fucking baby.
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Dear D’s Penis,
Thank you for the meeting. I forgot that you even existed. Shit, I forgot that I even existed.
Love, Wicked’s Vagina
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Dear Bank Account,
I am really sorry. It is not my fault that you are overdrawn. Soon this will all be resolved and we wont be poor.
Wicked
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D,
I am so so so so so happy you are home. In the past week, you have made such an impact in the house. We all appreciate every single thing that you do for us. I missed you more than you will probably ever know.
PeeEss … thanks for the sex.
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Dear Miley Cyrus,
I am pretty sure none of us believe that you are even close to a virgin. You are going straight to hell for lying about your aforementioned faux-ginity to you millions maybe even billions of fans.
Just admit that you have had some of the cahck.
P.S. If I hear you “singing” that “bumpin jay-z” song one more mother fucking time I may have a credit melt down. You suck.
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Dear Baby Jesus,
There are several reasons why we need to have a conversation.
1) I am not the one.
2) Virginity movement?! Really?
3) Keep it pushin.
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Dear Tara,
Where did your wit go?!
Love Tarable.
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Dear D,
Thank fucking sweet baby jesus that you are home.
Love, Tarable.
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Dear Haiti,
I wish that I could swoop in and give you all of the food in the world. All of the food and water and money to fix it. But I don’t have it. My heart goes out to all of you and all of the families who lost someone.
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Dear Porn Movies,
Shut up. No one wants to hear you talk. We just want to see the sex. All of the sex. We don’t care about the plot or the story line or the climax … that is … unless the climax consists of a dude climaxing on a bitches face.
K?
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Dear Boyfriend,
I hope you have a fantastic time. I will miss you. Be safe. Look at all the boobs you can but reserve it for me.
Love Tarable
Pee Ess. We are having the sex when you get home. Like put it in my mouth.
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Dear Mike O and Boyfriend,
You motor boatin’ sons of bitches.
Love Tarable
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Dear D,
Did I mention, thank fucking GOD you are home!?!?
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Dear New Bitch,
I am SO FUCKING GLAD YOU ARE NOT HERE ANYMORE.
BYE BITCH BYE!
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Dear Ken Adams,
Heh.
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Dear Cari and Jim,
Congrats on the news that you are having a BOY!!!!!!! Baby Bush is more lucky than he knows to have such awesome people as parents.
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Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd for some CLASSIC eye candy!
Denzel Washington
Annnnnnnnnnd… Julia Roberts
As always … Friday Eye Candy suggestions are needed.
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy (or) 3 days.
Jan 8, 2010 All Things X, Completely Hypothetical and Generally Specific, Current Events, DUH, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail
Well hello there! Welcome to the first YGWM of 2010. It has been a couple of weeks huh?
Miss me?! Whatever.
You know the drill. Purge your week (s) so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekend.
Dear You.
You are a fucking big pouty baby. Knock it off.
Me
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Dear Mommy,
This is a letter requesting for you to whoop my ass. I would like for you to whoop my ass for the following reasons:
1) For that time I called and pretended to be a kidnapper on the voicemail.
2) For not listening to 3/4 of the things you say to me.
3) For telling half truths.
4) For not doing my chores OR half assing my chores. (i.e. no food in the cat bowl today. or the dirty toilet. or the recycle being left for days on the street.)
5) For fucking with Charli on purpose and then acting like I didnt do anything with a stupid fucking look on my face.
6) For watching American Pie when I knew I wasn’t supposed to.
Please whoop my ass! I am begging you.
Xavier
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Dear D,
Please for the love of God, take a shower and then put it in my mouth in 3 days.
It will benefit everybody.
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Dear Cheeseburger,
(s) Yep. I had 2 of you and I loved every single salivating bite. I chewed each bite approximately 22 times to really taste you in my mouth.
I don’t care if it is me being unfaithful to my phase 1 diet. It was worth it. YOU were worth it.
TarablyWicked
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Dear Lucky Jeans Sales Guy,
I fucking adored your face. Especially when you made me try on size TWENTY NINE even despite my own inner fatty arguing over it. And then, when the size TWENTY NINE fit me, I honestly wanted to hug your fucking face off.
You were the best sales guy ever, giving awesome recommendations when needed without being fucking aggravating and in my face.
Also, a size TWENTY NINE!? That is fucking rad. If it wasnt for you, I would have never even tried them on.
You rule.
Wicked
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Dear Mom
You will be trivial. It could go one way or the other. I don’t want to but I have to. I am gonna take one for the team.
But if you sit at that slot machine at that slot machine like a test lab mouse pushing it for crack, I will leave and find my own fun.
Happy Birthday,
Tara Monique
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Dear Romo,
Don’t fucking blow it. You are my last hope other than the Vikings which I am grandfathered into being a fan of at this point. At least it is for a good reason.
Tarable
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Dear Red Jeep,
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I am so fucking sick of your endless fucking problems and your endless drama that I could literally cry.
I cannot wait until I don’t have to drive you anymore. You are the biggest piece of shit ever.
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Dear Jersey Shore,
Why are you such a trainwreck?
Why do I love you so much?
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Dear Jackson,
What in the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of my face, off of my table and out of my house.
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Dear D,
I am excited for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) To put your face in my vagina.
2) To put your dick in my vagina.
3) To put your dick in my mouth.
4) To put the christmas tree away.
5) To deal with Xavier.
6) To sleep in the bed with me.
7) To have a conversation and not be on a time limit.
To sleep in on the weekends. I just want to sleep.
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Dear Hickey on my boob,
I don’t know where you came from or how you got there, but please go away.
Love, Boobs.
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Dear Paycheck,
Really?!
TarablyWicked
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Dear D,
I am happy for you to come home for the following reasons:
1) Courtni & I will no longer be at each others throats … well not daily and multiple times in a day anyway.
2) She will finally take a fucking joke. Because right now, to her, I am talking in literal form. All day.
3) It is like I have no personality and I am not funny. You and I both know this is not true.
4) She will finally not be mad at me for getting some. Because she will be getting lots of somes. Thank god.
5) I will finally have someone else telling me about myself. Because I am honestly done with Courtni telling me about myself. She is mean when she tells me about myself. This is because you arent putting it in her.
6) So you can whoop Xaviers ass. Jesus. He is a good kid but he needs a fucking ass whoopin. Fuck.
7) I value the extra 20 minutes of sleep I get. That is the time it takes to drop Charli off and make coffee and make breakfast. I would like to sleep in.
IF YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE A PART OF THIS TEAM, THEN GET A NEW FUCKING BRAIN.
Love and no disrespect because I love you,
Tarable
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Dear You,
Also above and beyond you being a big fucking baby, you need to pick one. This back and forth shit is fucking both annoying and old.
K? K.
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Dear Boyfriend,
Fuck you read this so it is hard to open letter your ass. Even though it is not a bad open letter but our bosses read this too so…. put it in my mouth.
Tarable
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Dear New Guy #1,
I don’t give a good god damn who you think you are. Not even a little bit. Dont act like you are somebody. Because to me, you kinda arent.
Dear New Guy #2,
Your pick up lines are wack. Kinda like your face. Because you look like a dude that was a douche to Tarable.
Dear Mike O,
I love that I am your work boo.
Love Courtni
Dear Mike O,
I love your butt
Love Tarable
Dear Boyfriend,
Dont trip, your butt is cuter and nicer. And I get to touch it whenever I want except during work hours because that is not work appropriate and our bosses read this blog.
Love Tarable
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Dear HenrySan,
We miss the following:
1) your laugh
2) your rice
3) your open eye
4) your face
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Yep I feel better.
Now for the Friday Eye Candy. Since it has been awhile, I wanted to do something special.
A special group eye candy … just for you.
I joke.
This Friday’s eye candy is (drum roll please)
George Clooney
Oh and Khloe Kardashian. She is a hottie.
You go. Get it off of your chest. Purge your weeks drama so you can enjoy your weekend! (annnnnnnnd, I am looking for eye candy suggestions)
Tags: Friday Eye Candy, george clooney, khloe kardashian, Parenting
Dear Xavier and Friday Eye Candy
Dec 4, 2009 All Things X, Current Events, Family, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Ranteriffic, Wicked MOMMY Wisdoms, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Motherfucking Friday. You know the drill, so come and purge your weeks so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.
Xavier, Xavier, Xavier,
You have outdone yourself. Really outdone yourself.
We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about how ungrateful you are and that you may very well not have a Christmas. Do you remember this conversation?
Apparently not.
I was talked into letting you have one … even though I did not believe that you deserved one … by your Meemaw and other people who love you and had your back. I fought with my own reasons and decided that their reasons were valid enough to not be stubborn.
You were right there and you didn’t even know it. And then you pull this shit.
I cannot motherfucking believe that you brought a porn magazine to school with you. (Even though you say that it wasn’t you who brought it) Furthermore, I cannot believe that you gave it to one of your friends who brought it home with them and showed their parents. (Even though you insist that he likes to blame you for everything and that he is lying about this incident)
What is even more infuriating are the facts that 1) the same named magazine that the principal said you gave this kid is the same named magazine that you “found under the washing machine while looking for a sock”. Coincidence? I think not. and 2) that I have to go into the GOD DAMN school at 8:30 in the morning and have a conversation about why my 9 year old child has access to these magazines in the fucking FIRST PLACE. (Thanks D. It is like I tell you to put this shit in a place that he cannot reach or find just to hear myself speak. Under the washer though?! Really?!)
But wait! There is more.
The 3 accusations of you making sexual gestures at girls in your school? (The 3 accusations that you claim are just to get you into trouble and you wouldn’t DARE behave that way)
Inappropriate name calling? (Oh wait that wasn’t you either … was it?)
I absolutely do not want to hear your claims of innocence. I don’t. In the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf … you are the boy who got eaten by the wolf because nobody believes you. I don’t believe you. I think you thought you were slick and wanted to show some shit off to your friends. I think, you took advantage of the little trust I had left for you and snooped in my and your dad’s shit. I also think that you think that you are slicker than you actually are.
Must I remind you that I am not the fucking one? I told you that your Christmas is done. I think that you think that I will not do it. Watch me. You get not a single present. From anyone. There will be no tree. There will be no nothing.
As much as it breaks my heart … It has to be this way. You don’t think I will do it, and I am telling you that I will.
Wanna know what else I am going to do? Whoop your motherfucking ass. I am talking knee in the back, arm pinned bare surprise ass whoopin.
Thank you for completely mortifying me. I am soooooooo excited to have a conversation with your principal about this porn magazine issue.
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Dear Shopping,
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I will see you on Sunday.
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That is all I got.
And now, for the eye candy.
I have always loved me some Johnny Depp. He is not only an amazing actor, but he has this quirky sexiness about him. He also doesn’t give a motherfuck what people think.
And Ms. Adriana Lima … I am a dark hair light eyes lover. Especially on women. Her blue eyes completely mesmerize me.
Any Friday Eye Candy suggestions? You know I am always looking for what you wanna see.
Happy Weekend!
Answer the following questions:
According to your ex, you are?
Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
Are there things you can’t live without?
Tags: ass whoopin, christmas, Friday Eye Candy, Parenting, punishment
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Nov 13, 2009 All Things Charli, DUH, Friday Eye Candy, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Ranteriffic, Sex, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., You've Got Wicked Mail
TGIMotherFuckingF.
Furthermore, let us get on with the Open Letter forum. This is not new information. Purge your week’s frustrations out here so that you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends. K? K.
Dear Toribear:
Here is your Eye Candy:
I love you.
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Dear Dumb Bitch,
Yeah. My shoes are so cute. I saw you staring at them today. No you cannot touch them. Also, the funny thing is, THEY ALL LOVE ME AND HATE YOU. K? K.
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Dear D.
I really really really really really really love you. Thank you for the 7 orgasms in a row last night. I REALLY needed that.
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Dear You,
I am over it. I don’t even want to see it anymore. I however DO still adore you. I just have no desire to hump your face off anymore.
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Dear Charli,
I don’t really know where you found my dong … but thank you for returning it unscathed. FYI that is NOT a toy meant for children or tweens or teenagers under the age of 18.
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Dear Stupid Ex,
How dare you make me feel guilty for paying a bill that you accrued while living in MY condo and then leaving me with when you abruptly decided to move out because you “couldnt handle it” anymore. Go snort some more drugs up your nose and go live in your dilusional life that you live in where we actually have the chance of ever getting back together.
Dont show up at my house with flowers thinking that you might have some edge on seeing/touching/smelling/tasting/penetrating my vagina because you lost that chance a hot motherfucking minute ago.
I would rather never fuck again than fuck your balding younger than me fat drug addicted ass. K? K.
I AM NOT THE ONE, Tarable.
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Dear Panty-Swinger,
Thank you for not being at work all week. Your face makes me want to throw up in my mouth, swallow it and then re-throw up again.
I hate you, Tarable.
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Dear Always Get Me Involved in Drama That I Don’t WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN,
Quit involving me. K? I AM NOT THE ONE.
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Dear Married Dudes that Remember Me From Back in the Day,
Quit telling me that I am the one that got away. Even more quit telling me that you always have been and always will be in love with me. I understand that my vagina is like a slot machine when hitting the jackpot but you need to stick with the hairy, fat, nagging, slot machine you motherfucking married.
I am tired of being the green grass on the other side, go mow your own motherfucking lawn you infidelious (yeah I made up my own word there) sons of bitches.
Love and Thank You, Lisa
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Dear Starbucks Appointment,
We know what you are thinking about while pushing one out tonight. Yes we have, yes we would and if you ask nicely … yes you can.
Love, Tarably Wicked
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Dear “Friends”,
You are insecure, nosy, jealous and downright selfish people. It would be nice if you took your gossipy, 2-faced selves and learned some facts about me before shoving yourselves up your own asses. The truth is, most of you know nothing about me or my situation and even if you did, none of you have the right to judge me. If you have questions, man up and ask. I love to hate you.
Anonymous
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Dear Vagina,
I am really sorry that you also were sentenced to 90 days in jail. I know that realistically, you are simply guilty by association. Please assist me in not attempting to escape prison in a big fat whorey way. I don’t care how much Tarable vagina tries to influence this escape route. IT IS NOT A GOOD DECISION.
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And now for some Eye Candy.
I am going to start making sure that I have a boy eye candy AND a girl eye candy too. You are welcome.
Terrance Howard
Rhianna
Do you talk to yourself?
If you could go back or forward in time,where would you go?
Name one thing you never worry about running out of?
Tags: chris andersen, Friday Eye Candy, rhianna, terrance howard, YGWM
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy … NBA Styles
Nov 6, 2009 Current Events, Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Random, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail
Happy Friday!
I am so happy that today is Friday. Like, SO. I have no preface, just open letters.
Dear Xavier,
Thank you. Seriously. I cannot wait to fucking cut all of your nasty ass afro into a sweet fade. I told you to take care of that shit, didn’t I? Now, I get to do with your hair as I will and the shorter the mofoing better.
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Dear Biggest Mistake of Tarable’s Life,
First of all: Quit walking around like you are all that. I may be half your size but I still am not the fucking one and I will not give in. Your man friend is really even not that big compared to your bigness and your big ego.
Second of all: Dont pretend like I am not there because you and I both know I AM there and dont try and bring my best friend ie sister from another mister on your team because she will never cosign or agree or tell you that you are right because you are not you are big fat black wrong.
Third of all: I pretty much said what I had to say without ever uttering a word to your stupid face. Furthermore, you got to see and more this magical beanstalk of a vagina and then you went and ruined it with your stupid ass stupidness. (i.e. your idea of a work flagpole panty display. you just showed the world that you are not really 40 something you are really 10 something.)
You will never in your life see, taste, finger, penetrate, smell, breathe, be an active part of my vagina. K?
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Dear Tarable,
I told you so.
Love D
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Dear Matt,
I whooped your ass today. Don’t try and front. It happened. The end.
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Dear Same Pants Guy,
I <3 you.
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Dear You,
Really? You are a trip. Whip it out already. Seriously.
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Dear Kanisha,
1) I cannot wait to spend most of my Saturday with your face in my face.
2) I <3 you.
3) Jax is not your man.
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Dear 5K Bitch,
You could have called me. We bonded. I was honest. You WANT that shit. But nooooooooooo you have to motherfucking avoid me. You do not have the balls to cancel. You would rather me assume than you admit that you decided against it. How motherfucking disrespectful, unprofessional and RUDE.
I would rather give that shit to someone else and not you.
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Dear D,
I have got your back. I will miss your face and also your big black cock.
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Annnnnnnnd (insert drum roll) the Friday Eye Candy
NBA Edition:
Done and done.
Have you ever had sex on your parents bed?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Do you believe in luck?
Tags: allen iverson, dwayne wayde, dwight howard, Friday Eye Candy, nba
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 29, 2009 Friday Eye Candy, P.O.E. Biz, Ranteriffic, You've Got Wicked Mail, bitch
Look. I am in no mood for small talk today. Let’s just get on with it.
Dear Life,
How about go fuck yourself right now. K? I don’t need this shit right now.
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Dear Courtni,
You need to get it together. It needs to click. E V E R Y T H I N G depends on it. Like, everything. No one can afford for you to fail at this.
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Dear You,
I don’t like your attitude lately. Get out of my face with that shit.
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Dear D,
I am not frustrated with your current choices. You have finally figured out what the right thing to do is and you are finally doing it. Thank you for that. What I am frustrated and worried and freaking out on the inside about are the past choices that are creeping up on us and affecting the entire family. I am unable to do it all by myself. Literally.
I am behind you. I am just in silent wtfarewegonnado panic mode right now. Especially because the answer is not coming to me.
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Dear Same Pants Guy,
I really adore you. Especially considering that you wear different pants now.
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Dear “You Just Think You Are Funny” Bitch,
Hi Hater!
I have decided that I am no longer bothered by you. I have officially become immune to your 1) horrific homemade outfits and hooker footwear 2) your face 3) your presence & 4) your voice. Fuck yourself kindly. I am planning my witty, non violent, unfireable demise. You have no idea how creative and manipulative I can be.
You have officially fucked with THE wrong bitch.
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You go. Let it out. Vent away your frustrations so that you can officially enjoy your Halloween weekends.
Friday Eye Candy is one that I have pondered doing before and haven’t. Why? Because he is obvious. But, I am tired and cranky and freaking out and stressed and fucking over it so this is what you get.
Mmmmm…. I almost … ALMOST … feel better.
If you are passing through a hallway and there’s an open door, do you look through it?
What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?
If you could travel through time and meet yourself when you were a kid, what would you say?
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 22, 2009 All Things X, Friday Eye Candy, Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, P.O.E. Biz, Parenting, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show
Happy MFing Friday!
Lets cut the bullshit and jump right into the open letters for the week.
You know the drill: Vent all of your bullshit for the week so you can thoroughly enjoy your weekends.
Dear You,
I am sorry that you hate your wife. It is kinda sad that you do because you are a catch and she is not cute. I still want to see it. You know what I want to see.
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Dear Broad-Who-Makes-Her-Own-Clothes,
Just because there is a pattern for it, doesn’t make it cute.
Just because you think you are cute, doesn’t make it true.
Just because you USED to be a stripper, doesn’t mean that it is appropriate to dress like that in a corporate environment.
Your voice sounds like someone denied you the right to not have sinus issues. You sound like a foreign Fran Drescher.
P.S. YES. I was totally making fun of your throwback hot pink 1994 TLC-esque outfit equipped with suspenders. All you were missing was some condoms.
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Dear Think-You-Are-Slick,
I have one of you. You are not close to cute, and pee essI don’t have any desire to see your cock. I don’t. I just play you to get what I want.
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Dear Vagina,
What is wrong with you? Get in gear. I need you right now more than ever.
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Dear Kanisha,
I think that you should give it up, I’ve had about enough, it’s not hard to see the boy is mine.
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Dear Baby Jesus,
You and I are arch enemies. Officially. I told you. I. AM. NOT. THE. ONE.
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Dear Xavier,
Heh. Keep fucking with me. I dare you. No. I beg you. You think that you are slick. However you continuously get fucking caught. Maybe this time, learn a lesson. Because I am not playing with you about this.
I. Will. Whoop. Your. Ass. Off. Of. Your. Body.
Say I wont.
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Tarable had a letter too:
Dear Ditching Douchebag,
Really?
My vagina rains diamonds and sings beautiful music when it cums. How dare you ditch me, not once but twice?! Men beat down my door to have a taste of this infamous stalker creating vagina. Like a magic bean-stalk. If you think you are hot enough to get away with some madness like this, you are high.
Oh wait. I think you might already be high.
Regardless of the fact that I want to put it in my mouth, you are not going to win this game.
I win. Period.
I would rather not fuck anyone forever, then let you think that you can ditch me and then fuck me on your convenience. K?
It took all of my stubbornness in the history of tarable horny stubbornness to tell you no to some hotdickinmyvagina from you tonight. But I did it. Because you do not get to ditch me and then still fuck me. K?
How about, come over when you say you will on a consistent basis. What are we 17 again? Act like a man, not a teenage boy.
Furthermore, stop fondling me at work. It is tacky. I am not that bitch. And dont text me about being that bitch either because, just like my best friend Wicked says … I am in fact NOT THE ONE.
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Without further ado— Our Friday Eye Candy is a double feature.
First up, the beautiful Scarlett Johansson:
Next? Charlize Theron:
When you were in school, did you speak up in class? Did you sit in front or the back?
Do you wear jewelry? What is your favorite type of jewelry to wear?
If you could drive any car for a day, what would it be?
** LAST MINUTE LETTER ***
Dear Chelsea,
Congrat’s mama! You are gonna be a great mommy.
I cannot wait to smell him.
Tags: charlize theron, emplyoment, Friday Eye Candy, scarlett johansson, work
YGWM & Friday Eye Candy
Oct 15, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friday Eye Candy, I WIN!, Parenting, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, You've Got Wicked Mail
Sup Bitches?
I don’t really know what else to say about this week but I will tell you that I am really fucking glad that it is Friday right now.
How about you?
Right. Happy motherfucking weekend. You know the drill. Purge your week in the form of an/many open letter/s so that you can jump in your weekends and enjoy them to the fullest. K? K.
Dear You,
I think that you are funny. Funny like “Really?” funny. I know what you want. I know what I want. So lets just do it already. Whip it out and lemme see it. K? K.
Just saying.
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Dear Baby Jesus,
Do you hate me? Is it your life mission to hurl individuals at me who have this preconceived notion that I am the fucking one, when in fact I am actually not.
Is it that you are one of these individuals? Do you think that I am the one? Because, Baby Jesus … I am in fact NOT the fucking one. I promise you.
You know who else is not the one? Tarable. I am about to find you, Baby Jesus and beat some sense into your infant sized body if you do not fix this incessant problem with the individuals assuming that I am the one.
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Dear Friends,
I miss you dearly. Each and every single one of you. Once I figure this out, I will make it up to each of you. I promise.
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Dear Kanisha,
Jax is not yours. I wish that you would just bow out already. He told me 5 minutes ago to tell you that he has had about enough of you harassing me about this wild made up story in your head that you and he have some sort of relationship going on when he and I are obviously in love.
I am sorry. You definitely will receive an invitation to the wedding. You dont even have to bring us a present.
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Dear Xavier,
Really? I mean … really?!
I am unsure who lied and told you that it would ever be appropriate to say “Suck my penis” but it is not. Ever. Like ever. I don’t care who said it first. Like, not even a little bit.
So, I want to allow you an opportunity to pick your soap. Because you are about to eat an entire fucking bar of it.
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Dear Husband of Mine,
Thank you kindly for that 3AM business. I am so happy that you took my advice and shaved your face because 1) I would have stood firm in my “your hairy fucking face wont go near my vagina stance and 2) I would have unfortunately had to have grown my legs/vag out in protest of the beard you thought was cute.
I know you know I was serious because you shaved.
I win!
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Dear Pedicure,
I fucking love you.
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Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd for the Friday Eye Candy. This one was by request.
Channing Motherfucking Tatum.
Do you talk dirty during sex or are you quiet?
Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others.
As a man, would you rather wake up to find you have grown nonremovable D cup breasts or that your testicles have disappeared?
