The other day, we were out having lunch. X is getting to the age of knowing what he wants, and I dont need to hold his hand through it. I like this fact.

Most of the time anyway.

X: “Mom can I order my own food?”
Me: “Do you know what comes in it?”
X: “Yeah. It’s just yakisoba.”
Me: “Then I don’t care, go ahead.”

Waitress: “What can I get for you?”
X: “Can I get chicken yakisoba? With extra broccoli?” (read it and weep beezos. my kid eats veggies.)
Waitress: “Sure, anything else?”
X: “Can you please bring me some Cock Sauce?”
Waitress: “Uhm… what?”
Me: *snort* “Sriracha. He meant to say Sriracha.”
(D has tears streaming down his face as she walked away.)
X: “Mom that is not what you call it! You call it COCK SAUCE!”
Me: “Stop yelling. The actual name is Sriracha, Xavier.”
X: “Why are you teaching me wrong things to say!? How embarrassing.”
Me: “Sorry, it is just easier to pronounce.”
X: “SREE RAH CHAH! That was easy.”
(both D and X are dying laughing at this point)
Me: (evil eye) “I hate you both.”

This led me to remember this one time when we were out at the Cheesecake Factory. Xavier was maybe 5 years old… and he kept trying to say “Maserated Berries” … which are the berries that you have when you make strawberry shortcake. He was begging me to order it so that we could “share it” (which really means that he wanted to eat all of the berries and ice cream and leave me with a soggy fucking biscuit.)

Cute Waiter Boy: “How was everything?”
Me: “Really good. Thank you.”
CWB: “Can I interest you in some dessert?”
X: “Please mommy!?! Please please please please?”
Me: (ignoring him)”D, are you ordering any cheesecake?”
D: “Uh, Duh!”
Me: “What are you gonna get?”
D: (playing into my game) “Ummmmmmm…….”
X: (not-so-silently-praying)
D: “I will have Fresh Strawberry.”
CWB: “Good choice. And for you?”
Me: “I will have the strawberry shortcake.”
X: (Jumping up, yelling) “YES! MASTERBATED BERRIES!”

I didnt know whether to laugh or crawl under the table.

*sigh* I thought the CBW was going to pass out because he was trying to hold in his laughter that hard. Like, his face turned beat fucking red… and he managed to muster out a statement like “IwillberightbackIamgonnaputyourdessertorderin” as he ran to the back of the restaurant to LHFAO in private.

Whatever. I can’t blame him. Who doesn’t think an 8 year old shouting out “MASTURBATED BERRIES” is fucking hilarious?!

The uptight table next to us, that’s who.

Even tonight this child had me cracking the hell up:

Me: (grimacing) “OH MY GOD! YOUR FEET ARE RANCIT!”
X: “Huh?!” <— the apple doesnt fall far from the tree, does it?
Me: “I am tearing up. Your feet smell like a sweaty fart.”
Charli: (Pointing at X’s feet) “Foot! Fart!”
X: “My feet smell like strawberries!”
Me: “If strawberries smell like sour fart milk maybe!”
X: “Stop making fun of me!”
Me: “Wash your butt feet!”
Charli: “Butt! Foot!”
X: “MY FEET DO NOT STINK!”
Me: “Smell them. Tell me that they dont stink after you stick a toe in your face.”
X: (smelling his feet and gagging simultaneously) *cough*”They smell like lemons!!” *cough”
Me: “They smell like butt. And Vinegar.”
X: “And LEMONS!”
Me: “What butt have you ever smelled that smelled like lemons?!”
X: “YOU ARE SO MEAN!” (runs off to take a shower.)
Charli: (pounding on the door of the bathroom) “BROTHER! BUTT! FOOT! FAAART!”

Hahahahahahahahaha. I cannot wait until Charli can say full sentences. I will pass on the make-fun-of-Xavier-torch to her with full confidence that she will represent in a proper and skin-crawling-under-manner.

*sigh* I love my kids.

What is the funniest thing that you have ever heard or heard of a kid say in public?!
What is your favorite dessert?