Living Wicked

An Opportunity to Say Hello.

Mar 7, 2010 Family, Friendship, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

When did I become such a big ball of emotional?

I know, when I realized that 1) I am a grown up and 2) the friends I have mean more to me than I could ever express into words.

I feel like I am consistently reaching out. Phone calls, Voicemails, Texts … Emails … Many of them go unreturned and that is okay. I know that life is busy and that the world doesn’t revolve around me. However, I just want for them to always know that they are loved and thought of by our family. Fact is, we used to have a tight knit group. Our family. Most of them were boys, and as boys do … the revolving door of female counterparts was a frequent one.

Anyway, the tight knit group have since dissipated. Most of them have moved away and started lives with different friends and love interests. I get it. It is rare that what happened 10 years ago will happen 10 years from now and the entire group of friends will grow old together, spend holidays together … have their kids grow up together. What is hard for me to accept is that, in everyone’s lives … the importance of those friendships aren’t that much more important when distance is involved.

Or is it just me?

D and I found out that one of (or so I thought) our closest friends and his wife and daughter came home for a visit this past week. We found out the day that they left. I hate to be this way, but it stung a little bit to know that, after all of these years … we weren’t important enough for a phone call. It doesn’t really matter how long or short the trip was. It doesn’t make a difference to me. If it were me, I would make every effort to include all of the most important people in my life. If it didn’t work out, then fine … but at least they knew that it was important to us to wrap our arms around them … share a laugh … have a drink … break bread. Whatever. Something.

Even just the opportunity to say hello.

I am watching through photographs. Kids are growing and all of these memories are being made. I want to know them. I want their babies to remember me and love me like I love them. But as it stands, I am a stranger to them. That hurts my heart. Especially because my kids have uncles out there … and now nieces and nephews … whom they barely know. Not by blood, but by bond. Bond to me is that much more solid than any blood relation ever could be.

But I guess I cannot expect the world to see things through my eyes all of the time and I sure as hell cannot expect it to give as much of a shit as I do about the people in it whom I care so God damn much about.

Tags: brotherhood, distance, emotional, Family, Friendship

A Resolution About Family.

Jan 10, 2010 Family, I Forgot to Tag, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Relationships, Wicked Wisdoms

As I have gotten *ahem* … older … I have noticed myself becoming more and more reflective on my life.

Who am I?
What kind of person have I molded myself to be?
What connections have I made?
What connections have I lost over the years?
What does friendship really mean to me?

What does family really mean to me?

The other night I was on FB way too freaking late and my Aunt (my mom’s sister) was online. We have recently reconnected through FB anyway but we hadn’t really chatted. For those of you who don’t know … past my dad’s side of the family (Nana, Papa, Uncles and cousins) and my mom’s mom (who passed away the day Xavier was born) I really have never been close to any of my extended family. The reasons why are not really important, because really … some are silly but some are too serious to put in a blog. Bottom Line: I am kinda “meh” about family.

It is the one way D and I differ. It is also the one way Tarable and I differ.

My parents and my brother get it. I call when I feel like it. If I don’t … they don’t take it personal. I am me whether at a parent present dinner or not. There is no difference in who I am in front of them. Period. I say what I think and if they are offended … well too fucking bad. The coinflip is quite similar. My dad and I butt heads a great deal because of differences of opinion. But I still voice it.

*shrug*

When I married D, I was introduced to what a big family looks like. Meaning, a big family who grew up around each other and have that bond. Where no matter how many years pass from the last time you could just fall back into it like no time has passed.

I never really had that with any of my extended family.

So when I was talking with my Aunt, it was really surreal to see her life in front of me, none of it that I knew about. She has grandbabies. She had 1 other kid that I didn’t even know about. I have cousins that I don’t even know.

So as we were talking, I asked about my grandma’s sister. She and I were so close growing up as a kid. She is sassy and loud and opinionated as all get out. My aunt told me that she lives less than 15 minutes from my house. Really?! I haven’t spoken to or seen her since my grandma passed … and she lives 15 minutes from me?!

Gah.

So I got her phone number and vowed to call her. On Sunday morning, I called her. We talked for an hour and it was really really awesome to hear her voice. We made plans to hang out this next weekend. I am really excited to see her. It is a piece of family that I haven’t had in my life for a decade.

“Reunited and it feeeels so goooood.”

Our conversation had me come to a decision. That is to get to know my family who I have only met once or twice … or even never before. Because they are pieces of me. Because of them I am me and I think it is important to have some idea of who they are. Even if I end up hating their guts which is probably likely because I hate most everyone.

Resolution # 235634 : Know my family.

Have a great week!

Do you have a big extended family?
What does the word “Family” mean to you?

Tags: Family

4 Minus 1

Dec 25, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Current Events, Family, Out with the Old Wicked in with the New Wicked, Parenting, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! (Who you callin’ a HO!?)

As you all know, I am not all “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOITSCHRISTMASSSSSSSSSS!” this year. But, with the me being told about myself and all … I have done my part to fake it until I make it. Annnnnnnnnnd I made it to the finish line. Yay me! Today is the big day that everyone and their dysfunctional mother is talking about.

Christmas. No wait … still faking it … Christmas! (Better?!)

My crooked tree is shining with pretty lights and ornaments. There are presents under it all wrapped and shit. Family and friends (even some unexpected ones) are making my family of 4 minus 1 feel super duper special today. It feels really good to know that there are folks in your corner that genuinely give a shit. Genuine shit givers are few and far between as of late. It seems that when you are beyond struggling … all of those with the best fucking mouthpieces talking about how they will have your back if you ever need anything ever … are the ones that are the most full of shit … and they disappear without a trace …

You know what? FUCK those guys. If you are one of them who told me you would be there for my family and I haven’t heard shit from you … not even just to check in and see how things are going?! Don’t call me. Ever. Delete me from your life if I haven’t already deleted your selfish asses.

(I feel better.)

This holiday season has taught me a few really key things about life. Some things I already knew but needed a refresher on … either way the lesson was re-etched in my brain.

1) True friends don’t need to tell you that they will be there for you. They just are.
2) God only gives you what he knows you can handle. He never sets out to break you. You break yourself.
3) A true testament of strength is when you start at the bottom of the barrel and the next thing you know you find yourself standing on the outside of it, staring down into where you once were … wondering how in the fuck you just got out.
4) No one likes a braggart. There is a time and a place for being a big mouth. True adults know when to keep their fucking mouths shut.
5) Unconditional is unconditional. Either you love someone for all that they are or you don’t. The lesson is that in order to truly love a person, you absolutely have to accept everything about them that you cannot change. Or, stay true to a shallow, loveless relationship where you are constantly trying to mold them into something they can or never will be able to be.

Ya digg?

I miss my D today. As I sit here in a silent house, I am reminded of all of the little traditions he and I have made over the last 9 Christmases that we have spent together. Maybe that is why Idontwantit this year. Because there is a piece of the puzzle missing. We always wrap the Santa presents with different paper than all of the others after the kids crash out. There is a note from Santa, thanking them for the cookies. D eats the cookies because he is a muncher … and that is his favorite part. He always rocks a Santa Hat. All day.

Sometimes I made him keep it on … for … you know. Heh. Okay all of the time but whatever.

D makes me listen to fucking Christmas music.

He cooks. All day. And then he sleeps. Ha!

The reality is that he isn’t here and so my plan is to not sleep through the day like I really want to but was (again) told about myself that it is not okay to do that on Christmas! so I will instead do as best as I can to make sure that as many of these little traditions as possible are felt by my kids. If that means that I have a private moment where I completely freak out … then so be it. The most important part is that my kids will smile and laugh and hopefully … even for just a moment … forget that we as a family of 4 minus 1 are going through one of the hardest times in all of our lives.

If I can pull that off … than I really AM Wonder Woman.

Cheers to the Holiday’s … and if I haven’t mentioned it before … thank you all so much for any and all support that you have given over this time in my life. All of it has gotten me through … and kept me smiling. Know that.

Merry Christmas.

Tags: christmas, Family, Parenting, spirit, wonder woman

The Many Reasons Why.

Dec 20, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Parenting, Random, Relationships, Sex, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, love, pillow talk

We are coming down to no time left of D’s extended vacation.

As we approach his return, I have started thinking about all of the reasons why I am so excited for him to come home.

Reason #1: Rhymes with Mex (ican).

Many people have made the comment to me about how the number of days I have gone without or the total number of days that I will have gone without is a drop in the bucket compared to theirs or whatever. Let me break something down for you. I am not living in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. We (besides our moments of dysfunction…) genuinely love each other. Whether we are in a slump or not … he makes up for it with a good grudge fuck. So to not have it … especially not having it because I have been told that I CANT have it … makes me angry.

You better believe that someone is getting some immediately. Stat. On site.

Reason #2: He is more patient than I am. About everything. (Bitches I know you are surprised about that.)

So for a good couple of weeks, I am not going to be participating in anything kid related. You wanna tattle? Go to dad. You want some more motherfucking juice in your cup? Dad will get it. Period. Idontwantit. I am not participating in anything antagonized argument between these 2 little brat faces.

K?

Reason #3: I am lonely. (sadface)

My evenings usually consist of he and I in some sort of conversation. I don’t know about you all who are in relationships, but I actually enjoy spending time with my husband. We laugh our asses off. (Hello have you not read any of the Pillow Talk blogs?!)

Exactly. If anything, him being gone is a disservice to you as my loyal readers. Who looks forward to the next installment of our conversations?!

(me too. D is hilar)

Reason #5: I am tired of cleaning this fucking house.

I swear to Baby Jesus himself that I walk in circles around here picking shit up. Blocks. Socks. Paper. Crayons. Dishes. Fucking sucker sticks. (Thanks Ms.Moon) I get all excited that my house is FINALLY clean and then BLADAAAAAAW! More motherfucking blocks. More motherfucking SOCKS. More motherfucking dishes. Gah. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

It wouldn’t be so bad if that is ALL I FUCKING DID. But it isn’t. So, I think I dont want to anymore. K?

Reason #6: I don’t have time to cook.

So therefore I don’t eat as healthy as I would like to. This means I have gained some weight back. Not a lot, but still. I can tell a difference and I don’t like it. D cooked his awesome ass off, making sure that there was always something that I wanted to eat that I could eat with South Beach. Being that I am on the go all god damn day … I rarely have time to really think that far in advance. Ya dig?

Reason #7: Someone needs to have “The Talk” with Xavier.

Being as I don’t have a penis … (at least not one that is permanently attached to my body) … I dont think that I should be the one to do it. Just like I wouldn’t expect him to talk to Charli about female issues …

Bottom line: D needs to get some birds and bees business out in the air with Xavier. Pronto styles.

Reason 7.1: Charli misses the shit out of her dad.

Reason #8: I want to sleep.

Reason #9: Did I mention the SEX!?

Fucking aye.

I plan on:

picking a fight with his ass so we can have make up sex
lighting some candles so we can have that sweaty making love soap opera sex
putting on my candy apple red JSimpson FMP’s with some school girl stockings so we can have some inappropriate role play sex
wearing one of my fedora’s and an over sized white button up with my new HOT BOOTS so we can have some smooth criminal sex.
leaving for the weekend so we can have some all over the condo butt naked push the shit off the counter give it to me sideways sex.
a great deal of putitinmymouth oral sex.

And that is just the first few days. K? K.

Annnnnnnnnnnd Reason #10: I am spoiled.

I never saw it before. I am so god damn spoiled that it is stupid. I work my ass off every day and he takes care of everything the hell else.

I can honestly say that I am lost without him. So, a bitch is starting to count down. Get ready. It is about to get ugly.

Have a happy MondayBeforeChristmas!

Are you done shopping?
Have you been naughty or nice?
What have you asked Santa for this year?

Tags: birds and bees, Family, jail, marriage, Sex

Business as Usual.

Aug 9, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Friendship, Parenting, Random, Relationships, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms

It is one thing for someone to tell you that they saw a grown man break down on one knee and actually seeing it for yourself.

Saturday was the memorial service for my new friend. Tarable and I went and paid our respects. The magnitude of the love that Steve had surrounding him was intense. The service was standing room only. When the mic opened for anyone to pay their respects or share a story about him, the number of people who truly loved him was amazing.

I had a moment at the service where I felt my chest tighten and seeing his handsome face up on the projector hit home for me. It wasn’t until his best friend spoke about him … and broke down … that I lost my composure. It didnt help seeing his beautiful daughter’s heart on her sleeve … and hearing her mother … so broken … so lost … it was hard to see such raw emotion.

A great service ended with a celebration afterward at the bar he DJ’d at.

I met people who were so close to him that I hadn’t met prior to … but most likely would have met anyway. It is funny how when you really connect with someone, even after just meeting them hours before can make you feel like old friends. I hope to see them again, on more positive circumstances next time.

I thought that I had maintained my sob-fest really well. I am a mess of emotion lately anyfuckingway … so I try to avoid as many snot-fests as hormonally possible. In public anyway.

And then I went home to my happy, unknowing-of-my-day family. A “mommy” screaming bum-rush from my kids and dinner. A kiss and a smile from my D. It was business as usual. So … I embraced my “mommyyouweregonealldaywemissedyou” greetings with a super mommy-gangster forced smile, changed into my comfy clothes … and was absorbed by my couch.

And then, I lost it. Like, uncontrollable … tears streaming down my face … snot rags … tryingtohideitsomykidswouldntseeandmakeitworsebyhuggingmebuttheydidanywayand … madeitworse … lost it.

Partially because my new friend that I barely knew but wished I knew was gone. Partially because all week I have been Tarable’s rock. Mostly though, I saw that 7 year old beautiful baby girl up there, trying to be so strong … and her momma … so lost and so heartbroken … nevermind whatever it was that they had … or didn’t have.

Her emotions were real.

So coming home to business as usual struck a cord. Whatever her business as usual was, was taken from her in a motherfucking instant. Mine could be taken from me just as easy. And, (not that I am going to sit here and dwell on that forever or anything,) in that moment of my perfectly imperfect normalcy … in the hugs and loves … I could very well have been standing up there with my babies … Xavier trying to be the strong one … lost … and broken.

So maybe my tears were because I am so thankful that as of today … I still get to appreciate my business as usual. Maybe they were tears of relief and gratefulness. Maybe … they were because, just as Steve lived as if he were invincible … or “Superman” as it was quoted at his service … D does too. And I think that I reminded myself that I need to remind him of how quickly we can be taken, at the hands of someone less careful and responsible as we are.

For now though, I am going to learn the lesson that was put before me and thoroughly enjoy my family. I am going to always let those closest to me know that I love them. Even if we are at odds with one another.

Whatever yours is, make sure you are aware of what business as usual means to you. It would be tragic to realize that you lost it before you even knew it was there.

Have you learned any valuable lessons lately?
What did you do this weekend?
Share a funny story or something. I need to smile.

Tags: business as usual, death, Family, friends, funeral, Parenting

Starts with the Letter D.

Aug 2, 2009 All Things X, Family, Friendship, I Forgot to Tag, The Tarably Wicked Show, Thoughts and Perceptions, Wicked Wisdoms, love

I don’t talk a lot about it.

I honestly prefer to live inside this silly bubble where it doesn’t exist.

Unfortunately though, it does.

Up until I was about 19, I had never had a personal experience with losing someone close to me. In high school, our class lost a fellow student… and I heard through the grapevine of a couple of others as the years have passed… but I didn’t really have a personal connection to any of them… so it wasn’t the same feeling.

When my uncle passed, I had a hard time processing. My grieving process is to just numb up as if I did a dip in a pool of Novocaine. I wore my dress blues to his memorial service. He was a vet too. I thought he would be proud of me to see me in them.

And then my grandmother died. My mom’s mom. She died the day that X was born. I haven’t ever stopped to really grieve her loss. She was sick for so long that I think that it was well past her time. She needed relief from all of the oxygen treatments and medicines that she had to take for her to even had been with us for as long as she was. I really miss her though. I wish I could’ve had the opportunity to say good-bye to her.

When my Papa passed, it broke me. Like, down on one knee, grab my chest broken. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. He was my hero. I barely remember the service. I just remember thinking that I didn’t even get to talk to him like I had been meaning to. I just wanted to talk to him. It has been almost 6 years since he passed and it still aches to think about it. (or has it been almost 7? Jen help me out here.) Regardless, I miss him every single day.

As cold as it sounds, I was relieved when my Nana passed. She was so heartbroken and sick. We had no idea how bad her Alzheimer’s was until Papa died. When i was growing up, she had this glow around her. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Her laugh was infectious. The last time I saw her, she was dull. Her eyes were not familiar to me. All she wanted was to be with him. And I was so happy when she finally was given that opportunity.

This last year has been odd for me. My best friend has dealt with the loss of 3 people. Each of them were really really close to her. My hurt comes from seeing her broken. I didn’t know the first 2 who passed away. Saturday morning though, we both lost a friend. I met him through her probably a year ago, but just recently had we really hung out outside of the bar setting. He met my kids. They adored him. I immediately loved him. He was this big teddy bear with such a handsome smile, you kinda had no choice but to love him.

He was one of Tara’s best friends. Part of her extended family. He had a daughter. He was surrounded by so much love that it is hard to understand why he was taken away from it at such a young age. He was one of my newest friends. I really enjoyed the fact that he didn’t put up with Tara’s shit … but he did at the same time. This fact played into many fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Seeing Tara broken yesterday … and today … broke my heart. I will miss him too, but it isn’t the same. She is a hot mess of devastated and there isn’t a single word I can say to make her feel better. I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t know how to feel.

Does length of time knowing someone matter in defining the way losing them affects you?

I don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that I feel a empty place inside of me. I am not a fan of this feeling. Not even a little bit.

I know that I wish I knew him better. I will miss not having had the opportunity to do that. Or telling him that.

All I could think about yesterday was that I couldn’t imagine losing a best friend. I just kind of expect that they all are gonna just be here. That, I can pick up the phone and call each of them at any time of day and they will pick up and that will be that. Him dying, so unexpectedly and so tragically, reminded me of the fact that we are all not indestructible. No matter how awesome we are, how much love we have surrounding us, when it is our time … it is just that.

I shouldn’t play pretend anymore because it sucks when reality overlaps in my game of eternal life.

With that said, I just want to remind you all that you need to make amends. You need to look at the relationships you have and let them all know you love them. They may make you angry. They may disappoint. The choices that they make could be choices that you don’t agree with. But they are in your life for a reason. Make sure that you let them know that reason. Otherwise, you might not have the opportunity to do so.

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

Tags: death, dying, Family, Friendship, i love you, i miss you, memory

Monday Madness.

Jul 26, 2009 All Things Charli, All Things X, Family, Fitness Forward, Parenting, Random, Ranteriffic, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., Wicked & D Quotables, bitch, love

Happy Monday. No seriously. HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY GOD DAMNIT! (i joke)

How was your weekend? Mine was super duper radical. I went to the gym and stepped on the dreaded scale. I was positive that, after Vegas and the fact that jumping back into the South Beach eating lifestyle was actually not as easy as anticipated, I had gained some weight back.

WRONG bitches. As of Saturday, I have officially said bye-bye to the 180’s and a gleeful hello to 179. Thank you, baby Jesus. (Channeling my inner Tori)

I haven’t been following SB as closely as I should be. But I have noticed that my preference has changed.

For example: 2 months ago I would eat a big ass bowl of alfredo, whereas now I only put enough on my plate for a couple of bites. This allows me the taste of it without over indulging. I prefer this to the latter. I don’t feel stuffed. Or uncomfortable. So, I will say that 90% of my eating is SB. If it takes me longer to lose the remaining 19 pounds, so be it.

(if you were participating) How has your progress been?

I am considering participating in a 1/2 marathon with Kanisha. The problem: I hate running. So, part of me wants to run it so that I can say that I have done it… and to have that feeling of accomplishment… the other part (read: the lazy part) wants to walk it because that is easier.

We shall see which part wins in this arm wrestling match.

Hey Tarable: MY QUADS HATE YOU.