I’m No Punk, Bitch! (i.e. Off One.)
Oct 18, 2009 Friendship, I WIN!, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Ranteriffic, Suck It!, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage., bitch
Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty freaking awesome actually.
When I was younger … oh … say 10 years ago … if one would have asked me what the ideal Friday night was, I bet $100 that spending mine snuggled up with my beautiful family would not have ranked top 3 on my list. In fact, a decade ago I would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted that I would be married with 2 kids … I probably would have laughed in your face.
That is how my Friday was spent. Snuggled and warmed.
Saturday though? Not so snuggled. At least, not the evening anyway. For the first time in months, D, Tarable and I were able to get dolled and go hit the town together. I love going out with the 2 of them. There is never any drama, and we are all reaaaaally pretty when we get pretteh-fied.
So that is what we did. Pretty alcohol induced people. Shiny Happy People. With nice tits and a hot black man on our arm. D cleans up really nice I tell you.
We get to the bar and there weren’t many people there. I was kinda stoked because the first bar we went to was so packed that it was stupid. Within 20 minutes, there were so many people in this bar that I couldn’t breathe. It’s cool though. We had a blast. I met a cool cat while watching this dick-fuck bartender serve everyone BUT me who provided really great conversation.
The best 3 things that happened at the bar:
1) As I was leaning on a chair in conversation with the guy mentioned previously, (still waiting for my drink might I add) this dumb cunt slid into the chair that I had claimed as mine over an hour beforehand. Not only did she try to seat jack me, she also thought she was going to get a drink before me.
I would like to quickly mention the fact that this is a prime example of someone assuming that I am the one when in fact I am not.
What do I do?
Me: *taptaptap*on her shoulder “Um. Really?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “This is my seat.”
Her: “How do you figure?”
Me: “Well, consider the facts 1) you are sitting on my purse 2) I have been sitting on it off and on for over an hour and 3) I am leaning on it.
Her: “It didn’t look like you were gonna sit back down.”
Me: “Did you ask me?”
Her: “Ask you what?”
Me: “You said it didnt look like I was gonna sit back down but did you bother to ask me?”
Her: “No. I didnt.”
Me: “Wellllllll if you would have I would have told you that I was going to because it is my chair.”
Her: “Wow. Well how about I give you your chair back and sit in this empty one right next to you.”
Me: “That sounds like a GREAT idea actually. You should sit next to me. Because I am AWESOME.”
The look on her face was priceless. The looks on her friends faces were even better. What has happened to how bitches roll out in public? If that would have been me or one of my bitches who were getting blatantly punked like that in front of folks, I would not have stood for it. The bitches I roll with are prepared to pull nails off, earrings … drop to bare feet so that the stiletto heels are available to use as weapons if need be.
It is a prerequisite of how I roll. I don’t need some weak scaredy cat fucking bitch in my group. This goes directly along with me not being the one.
2) The fucking douchebag that thought it was acceptable to come up behind me and cup my vagina.
Yes you read that correctly. Some fucking drunk asshole came behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and made his way down to my vagina to cup it. And then didn’t quite understand why 1) I was mad, 2) I shoved the fucking shit out of him after he tried to touch me again and 3) had him physically removed from the bar.
Do I look like the bitch that accepts a strange vagina cupper? With no introduction? With no conversation? What is this world coming to?
3) When I saved my friends ass from another mans ass.
After peeing and powdering my nose like a girly girl does, I come back to my seat where my friend and her husband were keeping them warm.
Him: “Do you see this guy behind me? He is trying to share a seat with me.”
Me: “You dont know this guy?”
Him: “Fuck NO!”
Me: “I got your back friend.”
So I smile at the assclown who obviously has no sense of personal space and shove my pretty ass between his and my friends.
Me: “Oooh. I am SO sorry.”
AssClown: “Are you fucking serious? I am not moving.”
Me: “Thats okay. I will just move you.”
AssClown: “That is doubtful.”
Me: “Ok.”
That is why I moved his ass out of the motherfucking way. He had to ask these 2 bitches to move their seats down so he would have room. *grin*
I WIN!
I won’t mention (or maybe I will) how Tara fell out of the bathroom stall while I was peeing or how I stood on the bar stool trying to get the bartenders attention because he was serving everyone around us but ignored our very existence. I also won’t mention (lies) how Tarable and I were wrestling like drunkards or bum fights and I flipped her ass over the top of me onto the floor and she got mad and pouted about it.
Good times. We were definitely off one all night. It was almost a make up for the fact that I was not invited with enough time to plan for the DC trip this weekend. I may or may not be bitterly butthurt about it still.
New York or California? Why?
Do you collect anything? What?
What was the worst rumor that was ever spread about you?
Would you rather publish your diary or make a movie on your most embarrassing moment?
Tags: bar, drunk, going out, pretty, tarably wicked
TMIThursday: Uninvited PenisGuest & Cherry Pop.
Jul 22, 2009 Friendship, Random, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's, The Tarably Wicked Show, This Thing Called Marriage.
Hello my gluttons for TMI Punishment!
You know the drill… I blog about totally inappropriate shit… (sometimes literally) and sometimes, you throw up in your mouth a bit.
If you are interested in participating, reading more train wreck worthy blogs…
Click the pic below and enter the hub of TMI Thursday….
Today’s TMIT will be like the mixtape of TMIT’s. I have a few short, totally related stories that are starring none other than the love of my life, D. He has been so gracious (read: given no choice) to allow me to put his majorly hilar. and totally inebriated fuck-ups.
Once upon a responsible life of 2 kids and responsibilities… there lived a me and D. We had parties. They were parties that consisted of a great deal (read: pyramid’s of beer cans) of alcohol present among other favors that could be punishable in a court of law if caught participating in. (I will leave that to your own wicked imaginations) So we would get smashed. Completely belligerent. The most affected? D.
I know, right!? Shocking. Especially those of you who knew him then. Bwahahaha.
Annnnnnyfuckingway.
Story number 1 of Uninvited PenisGuest:
We are all hanging out. Our good friend brought his new but old but new girlfriend over to hang out, and (I am almost positive) introduce us to her for the first time. We were all sitting in the living room, watching TV. D and our friend get up to smoke on the deck outside. Our loveseat sat perpendicular to the sliding glass door. New but old but new girlfriend was totally zoned out, watching the movie with her back to the slider. I was across the room on the couch.
Something told me to look up at what the boys were doing, and when I did, I was horrified to see D standing over the back of the loveseat, his penis rested gently on her shoulder. Horrified, I make eye contact with him. He seems to think the event is epic, (that’s what she said… I get it) and when he saw the look on my face … I am pretty sure that was when his brain cells connected as to how NOT COOL it actually was.
We both dart our eyes to our friend, who (rightfully) was livid.
Because none of us wanted new but old but new girlfriend to be made to feel awkward, this was the silent-eye-contact convo that happened.
Friend: “Are you fucking for real?”
D: “So this is not okay?”
Me: “Are you really asking us that?”
Friend: “Get your DICK off of my girls shoulder, dog. Now.”
D: “Are you sure? I mean…”
Friend: “NOW.”
D: (backing up slowly) “My bad, dog.”
Me: (looking at new but old but new girlfriend to see if she noticed. she didnt.) “THANK YOU.”
Friend: “I should fuck you up right now.”
D: “No disrespect. I thought it was funny.”
Friend: “SO not funny.”
Me: “Yeah. Like not even close to funny.”
D: (pathetic face)
Meet my husband. The Puthispenisonhershoulder Guy.
Uninvited PenisGuest Story # 2.
At one of the many parties we hosted, the knife hit was discovered. Or rediscovered. Whatever. Anyway, amongst the heavy drinking and endless knife hits, D became … what is the word I am looking for?! W A S T E D. Right. Wasted. Thanks.
After a several minutes, we all kinda stopped and looked around. D was missing. I scan the living room and the deck. I wander around to the dark staircase and decide to head up to see if he passed out upstairs. Instead, I trip over him. He was passed out face first, on the staircase, his pants and boxer briefs at his ankles.
*le sigh* Decisions, Decisions.
A good wife would have channeled her inner secret squirrel stealth pants pulling up skills and put him to bed.
Heh. I am NOT a good wife.
I snorted and hollered for all of our equally inebriated friends to come see D and his ballsandmore spread eagle on the staircase.
If I would have had a camera then … I would have taken a picture. And I would still have it and I would post that shit on this blog.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I dont. So you are all left to picture my husband and his balls passed out on a staircase. You are welcome.
Last but not least… A TMIT feature from the archives of Tarable:
“Okay so I had liked this guy since I was a freshman. Junior year rolls around and we are at a party at my friend’s house. As high school parties go we were all too drunk off some random fruity vodka drink and the guy I liked was there. One thing lead to another and we ended up in an upstairs bedroom. You may assume that we had sex, but we didn’t. At the time I was the big V and didn’t want to yet, but we pretty much did everything else. When Dan woke us up the next morning he completely freaked out on us.
Boy I liked and I jumped up to blood smeared sheets and clothes. GROSS!
The worst part was that it was on his face! Ask me how quick everyone at school found out that he popped my cherry.”
There you have it folks, 3 TMIT’s for your Thursday enjoyment.
As always, (but you never do) feel free to share your own TMIT’s, links to your TMIT blogs or whatever.
And… if you could be a kind of “pop” what flavor would YOU be?
Tags: alcohol, cherry pop, drunk, friend, girlfriend, high school, penis, tarable, tmit
Popping My TMI Thursday Cherry: “Fuck You Like a Whaaaa?”
Apr 1, 2009 Friendship, Masturbate-able, Out of Wicked's Mouth, Random, Relationships, Sex, TMI Thursday's
So, because of an informal challenge, and because I have lived my life in a whirlwind of TMI… I am jumping on the TMI Thursday bandwagon.
Ready, Set, GO!
Once upon my old ass, I was allowed to go on my very first camping trip without parental supervision. I had to beg and plead to get my parents to allow it… but they finally caved. I am pretty sure that I left out the fact that I was going on this trip with my smokin’ football playing boyfriend.
*GASP!!* (who does that?!)
So we go to this kick ass location over the mountains. It was 6-8 of us rowdy drunken teenagers, with loud music and a lot of pot and alcohol. As soon as you could say “Freedom” we were commencing to getting wasted, some of us double-fisting bottles of Strawberry Hill Boones. (Who is old enough to remember those days of underage debauchery?!)
I don’t remember much, other than that there was a huge hill that we ran to the top of and rolled down several times, the group of about 20 campers at the campsite next to ours, and the fact that hunky football boy and I had yet to have sex. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd the fact that it was just him and I in a tent. Alone.
*Queue Porn Music*
So we are all sitting around a campfire, drunk off of our asses. I may or may not have taken another illegal substance other than the previously mentioned 2… but again, I have little memory of details. (alcohol and age dont mix I swear) HFB and I start making out all over the place, and before I knew it, we were stumbling back to our tent and ripping each other’s clothes off.
I did not consider the location of 1) our campsite and 2) our tent in the campsite. We were dead center of the campground. Our site and our tent.
We fell out in fits of giggles at the fact that the only condoms that *I* (not him, douche) brought were brightly colored ones. We argued (loudly, apparently) at which color to use… finally (loudly) deciding on the red one. (which, really looked hot pink when it was stretched out… I do remember that.) And then it happened. I, like the good little sex pistol that I was, flipped over into the infamous “face-down-ass-up” position.
And then… out of nowhere…
“FUCK ME LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!”
First, complete silence.
Second, a sporadic snort and giggle.
Then, the ENTIRE campground burst into uncontrollable laughter. Like, ROARING laughter.
What do I do? (Do you really have to ask???) “Well!? What are you waiting for??” I demand.
So he did. (He knew what was good for him.) Well, I dont really know what fucking me like a football player is… but I do know that he fucked the ever living shit out of me.
And it was goooooooooo oooood.
It was a live porn show for the campground. I was 16. Right. The next day, sober… (only for a hot second before I realized that in order to endure the humiliation that my mouth YET AGAIN caused me…) I was mortified. After a few bottles of Boones, I laughed right along with them. The remainder of the weekend random people all over the campground would shout the famous last words… “FUCK ME LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER!!!” into the night, echoing out into the air.
And… of course I never lived it down. I run into old friends who werent even THERE… and they still call me out for it.
*sigh*
So there it is. My very first memorable TMI moment. Be prepared for more where that came from.
To read other kick ass TMI posts, Visit LiLu. She always links them on her post. PQ posted a great one today as well.
Have you ever publicly humiliated yourself in a moment of sexual arousal?
What is your most embarrassing or funniest sex moment?
Tags: Boone's, camping, condom, drunk, football player, humiliation, Sex, tent, TMI Thursday's
The Mother (in-law) Load.
Dec 10, 2008 Addiction & Recovery, Relationships, Thoughts and Perceptions
Raise your hand if you have one.
Raise your hand if you know of a friend or relative who has one.
Now. Raise your hand if you or your friend/relative’s expieriences are pleasant ones… most of the time.
I have a friend. She is one of my oldest, dearest friends in the whole world. She happens to have the mother in law from hell. I could tell you horror story upon horror story of the manipulation and gameplay that has commenced on a weekly… sometimes daily basis with this one.
I have another friend. She has a mother in law who is a loving caring woman. She respects boundaries, doesnt overstep into the fine lines that are drawn in the sand over parenting styles… her grandkids adore her… and for the most part, so does my friend. The problem is that she has a tendency to be flaky. This is not new information to my friend. In fact, if you asked this MIL, she would attest to her flaky ways.
Today, my friend wrote to me… partially in jest of the situation, but the other part angered. Here is what she wrote:
“We all know she is a great woman. We also all know that she has a problem. I tried to ask her to leave her debit card at home, and just take minimal cash with her to the casino. She, of course, refused… and went missing for 24 hours. No call, no nothing. She finally called me at 2:30 AM because she ‘was not having fun anymore.’ She wanted one of us to come pick her up. Of course He did… because that is his mom, but mostly because I simply did not have it in me at that hour to even acknowledge the reality or validity of this phone call. So He drove 40 minutes to this casino, where he found her sprawled on a bench in front of the entrance. He pretty much had to carry her to the car. Her and the liquor cabinet that she was carrying on her breath.
We, including my child, were all worried sick. I called hospitals and police stations… but in my heart I knew that she simply was being selfish. She was not hurt… she just didnt think to call. My mother in law literally lost track of 24+ hours.
Bottom line, I have lost respect for her. She has crossed the line, and what I have to say… she doesnt want to hear”
What does she do?
Does my friend have the right to say something to her about this incident?
Or is she to leave it to her son to handle?
Do you have an in-law-from-hell story?? Even if it isnt your own. I would love someone to top this.
Tags: alcohol, casino, drunk, hospital, in laws, lost track of time, money, respect, worry
